I suppose now is as good a time as time as any to reply. What is my opinion of myself… I'm an unproductive NEET and I cannot justify my consumption of resources, the only justification I have for my continued existence is that I am capable of making up for this period of unproductive consumption at some point in the future and freeing myself from this sense of guilt and obligation. But beyond that, I don't think I'm that awful, I have made progress in improving myself and taking control of (or at least responsibility for) myself and my life. I still hate myself on a base level, but I have cultivated some level of self respect. While I try not to dwell on them, I can't forget my past sins, the beginnings of getting my shit together is a fairly recent development, and I have a long way to go before I can feel like I've done more good than harm.
I try to live low impact, avoiding motor transportation, meat, and excessive waste. I volunteer occasionally. I'm healthy and I'm in decent shape, and I'm learning kung fu/wushu and I'm making slow but considerable progress. I'm also making some progress towards learning 日本語. I'm totally free of psychoactive substances, psychiatric or recreational, for a significant period for the first time in my adult life (I was medicated form age 7 to 20), so I like to believe that I am responsible for myself, my progress and my faults, and no other.
Ultimately, I really don't like myself. I regularly think about suicide and have a history of suicidalaity. While the idea of death or non-existence is appealing, I must relinquish conciousness at some point. I think the process or experience of relinquishing conciousness will be easier or less painful if I can do it with some level of dignity, with minimal regret and a sense that at the very least, the aggregate of my presence and actions did not make things worse. All of the progress that I have made is to this end.
I do not love myself. I'm fucked up and I have a lot of shit, my heart and my soul are ultimately toxic. It's been that way since childhood, possibly from the beginning. I don't know if I will ever be able to love myself. For a while I thought I was unlovable, but I no longer believe that. I have a had of couple of people love me. But ultimately because I am unable to love myself, I was unable to truly reciprocate that love. As a result of that, exposing them to the toxicity of my heart and soul, and my own stupid actions, I hurt them. Post too long. Click here to view the full text.