I have a very large room, but for some odd reason I've relocated my mattress into my closet. It's a walk-in closet - small, yet spacious enough to fit a twin-sized mattress while having the door fully open. I feel 'safe' in here. I'm not sure what it is about being in my room or other parts of my house that have made me feel uncomfortable lately, but here I am.
My new medication I've read people describing it giving them more vivid dreams, yet I haven't experienced this. Up until a little over a year ago, I used to have very vivid dreams (had more control over them as well). My sleeping schedule has been all out of sorts since I began trying medications for anxiety and depression again a few months ago. I still try to log my dreams, what little bit I'm able to recall.
I barely talk to my few online friends anymore. I want to create a tulpa, but I currently lack the focus. I feel desperate for some sort of communication within myself. Communicating with other people feels lacking, so the idea of another 'consciousness' existing inside of this body, potentially being able to experience and feel what I am - it brings me comfort.
I took 60mg mirtazapine and 5mg klonopin the other evening. The experience was more annoying than I expected it would be. I was getting constant bright, colorful flashes of imagery from video games I've played and places I've been all the while being unable to stand or walk for a even a moment without collapsing. I slept for about five hours after that. I didn't remember my dreams, nor can I remember much of what I've done since then. All I know is I've barely had anything to eat or drink.
I'm finally seeing a therapist again for the first time in a few years. I think that's in a couple of weeks, I'm not sure, but it's in April at least. I'll need to take enough klonopin beforehand so I don't 'freeze up' due to anxiety. I'm not sure what to expect and I'm not sure what to tell her. Benzos make me cry more often, I've noticed, so maybe 'everything' will come pouring out. I'm curious about what I will say to her.
My desktop computer needs a new motherboard and has needed one for the past three months now, but I've been so apathetic that I can't even get myself to buy the darn thing. I have the funds, I know which model and where exactly to buy it from, yet my PC continues to collect dust while I lay inside of my closet, also collecting dust, talking to the walls and hoping at some point thPost too long. Click here to view the full text.