I remembered that on one of my posts about getting into uni, I was directed towards this board when the post wasn't really about recovery. funnily enough, I do actually have something to say here now
I wasn't ever a complete NEET, I would still go to school and occasionally see friends, see my dad, et cetera. I was more in a weird grey area where while I was doing stuff, the second I got the chance, I'd recede back to where I would be most comfortable
At home, it'd be my room. at school, it would be the backwater classrooms where no actual classes were held (it was where my friends at the time hung out between classes), when visiting my dad it would be the side room with the strongest wifi. id always scurry back to hide once all the mandatory socialising was done. My family used to forget about me during the summer because I'd hide in my room all day long.
I always used to tell my miserable self that 'once I got out of school, things would change' or that 'once I could legally drink, I could see people more and talk to them without tearing my hair out'.
For the most part, that has been true. I've been out drinking with my classmates, I've been out with my family more, I'm booking my own doctors appointments instead of hiding behind my mum. It does feel great.
However, there's been a weird emptiness gnawing at me ever since I reached this point. I know I should be happy, I know I should be enjoying life, but I kind of miss being as sad as I was back when I was a teenager.
my loneliness was a sort of blanket made up of self pity and tragic backstory that I could use and wallow in. Being sad is weirdly comforting, being alone is that sad, messy blanket. I was in that messy situation for most of my teenage years, so it might be a form of nostalgia? I don't know, but I hate how much I miss it.
It's kind of hit a bad point as well. I've started listening to a lot more grim songs in order to channel my feelings somewhere, plus my writing is getting a little darker again. I used to write some dark stuff when I was at my worst, to put my feelings somewhere, but now that I'm trying to take my writing professional it might hinder me a fair bit. Post too long. Click here to view the full text.