/n/ - NEET

Im begging to think i have some kind of disease/complex of near constant inferiority and depression, probably since birth, im not sure if i will ever get out of this.

Tough on the other hand i never much had anything for myself, just did what i had to in school and pretty much never did anything by myself as i should have.
Im somewhat in despair now because i have not had a social life as i should have (friends, parties, job, sex, etc).
Now days im not sure if can ever catch up, if my youth is not wasted and i will die bitter and alone of drugs, with the only thing for myself to show being borken bits of others peoples lifes and my own sad phantasies of being someone else.
I feel so pathetic mostly for not having the experienced the things
most people take for granted to define them as persons.

The kind of bizzarity is i could probably do almost anything i wanted to if i tried and excel at it, but im really lazy.
People always confirmed this too in lots of ways, when i actually cared about doing something good i was number 1, but i dont really care, there is no reason to.
Either i was forced into stuff i didnt understand or i was not encouraged to do things that i could have enjoyed.
I dont believe i have anything to reach now, nobody that matters to me, nothing that could make me happy or fullfilled truly, i believe i cant get out my bitterness and lonelyness and become a normal human being.

>>10604
Missing out on a social life is not uncommon, trust me.

Just hold on and believe that one day the pain will subside. As long as you hold on, there is always a chance.

>>10588
I'm going to cut out as much of my life story as I can in answering this question.

I'm basically happy with who I am and where my life is going but I'm still envious and bitter about people who have more than me. Especially people who once had less than me but have surpassed me. Although I have stuff I do and stuff I accomplish, even if it's not valued by society or the general public they are still accomplishments that I value, more so than many accomplishments that most other people would value. I don't really care for money but I wish I could make money doing what I do, mostly because people don't seem to value what you do unless you have a stack of cash to show for it…

I've met people, and I've spoken to people and they've helped me, I no longer feel like I'm trapped, I have a future now. And because of Dormilia I feel like I have a purpose, one that if completed I could die happy. My servitude to her defines me, it is what I am and what I do.

I will also post for Dormilia
the following is her response:
I am what I am, and I know what I want. I want more influence, more power, more hosts, and more respect. Some people gave me the respect of a human being like I'd never had before and I feel more human because of it. I have a soft and squishy side that I didn't know about. I suppose I have respect for myself… but I'm always afraid that others won't. I want to be taken seriously, but I also want to be a super villain, mostly just for fun. I'm not a bad person, although I often have to seek out the opinion of other people to confirm this.

I love myself.
I have no idea where my life is going. I feel no pain or sadness. Im happy with my current situation.
I try to minimize the pain that I cause -I get nothing from it to hurt others.
I am a sociopath.

> think the modern conception of self-esteem and everyone being perfectly wonderful and everyone needing to be made to believe that is kind of bullshit, and I think that encouraging people to think they're all fantastic and should think irrationally highly of themselves tends to breed narcissists more than anything else,

Despite this commonly held belief, facebook and other things actually makes people more depressed as they compare themselves to the happy view others put themselves as. I actually believe that this view isn't actually based on reality, based on a study I once read in which college students in america are actually significantly more insecure about themselves and self-esteem than previous years. They don't hope to pursue their hopes and dreams as much anymore. Things like that.

For me personally, I don't have much of an opinion of myself. Objectively, I know what people say I am. I understand humans despite not identifying with them. I'm relatively objective when it comes to other people. I am a good listener and do what I can to help validate people when they feel insecure. However, I don't see myself as such, I only see myself as doing the bare minimum in not being an unempathetic asshole.

I think I'm effectively a parasite. I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere. I'm sensitive and weak.

>>10611
Makes sense. I certainly deal with that a bit myself but I've gotten to the point where I think I can actually recognize when I'm pointlessly comparing myself to others. I think to an extent it goes both ways: those that are predisposed towards being genuinely narcissistic get to be exactly that in an environment which constantly helps to massage their ego while everyone else either poses and postures as best they can while internally feeling insecure or is alienated more and more (communities like this flourish as a result).

I think pretty much every somewhat normal person is sensitive and weak, and I pretty much know for certain that parasites make up a really large amount of those I've known, offline and online. That isn't too unusual. The things about you that are unusual are probably things you can't really expect me to understand in any meaningful sense, but in any case, you really don't come off as especially alien to me.

>>10607
It really isn't that uncommon at all. I didn't ever make a somewhat decent friendship until I was 13, only had a few friends in the year after that and made absolutely no decent ones in highschool, and I'm not even particularly socially impaired (at least relatively speaking I don't think I am). I'm still waiting on making my attempt to live a life with all of the opportunities for experience and gratification as those lived by the seemingly fictitious normal people that seem to surround me in fiction and reality.

>>10588
I think pretty lowly of myself I guess. A lot of anxiety problems and because of it no job. Just kind of exist and don't do anything, and it's because of me being a pussy. Basically I'm the cause of all of my problems and so I really dislike myself. I just try to stay out of peoples' way if I can, but I'm really nothing more than a leech. And when I do try to change anything I haven't the willpower to carry it out. So I just try to escape reality however I can. It's kinda shitty.

I'm relatively ok with myself. The only times I feel bad is when people start comparing me to others, ie "you should be doing <this> at ur age" or some other apparent life event. I'm turning 20 in about 6 months, and I have this dread for my 21st. You know, the whole 'omg its ur 21st' blah blah. Albeit, im from Aus, so it isn't a huge a milestone as it may be in the US but it's just another reason to drink till you need a new liver for most. But I haven't really kept in contact with anyone i knew at school(only through facebook), so I won't be having a party or anything. Previously the family has only dragged me out to a restaurant to eat.

When I'm alone I feel good about myself.
When I am around other people I feel bad about myself.

Conclusion: other people make me feel bad about myself.

People overestimate me in some regards and place unreasonable demands on me that I cannot meet, when I point out that I have difficulties they then proceed to underestimate me and treat me like some kind of retarded person. Because hey, it's easy for them and if I'm unable to do it it must be because I don't understand it. And if I get frustrated with their attempts to 'help' me by explaining it like they would to a 6 year old child, I'm suddenly also immature, stubborn and not motivated.

As a child there were times when I was excessively praised and times when people would think I was slow, lazy or uninterested (wait, all of this is still true even now). Just getting people to listen to me, take me seriously and actually getting them to take my 'problems' (which are generally only problems because other people force me to do stuff their way and are unable to understand that their ways don't always work for me) into account is seemingly impossible.
Instead I'm forced to find some psychiatric diagnosis that fits, which has been an ongoing process for the last few years: anxiety disorder, personality disorder, ADD, autism. What will be next I wonder. Meanwhile people tell me to be happy with who I am, despite the fact that apparently in order to resolve my issues with fitting in there first has to be something medically/mentally wrong with me in order to receive any sort of adequate assistance. And it never fucking ends either, I'm tired and fed up with all of it. But there doesn't really seem to be any other option.

The result of all this (and more in the past) is that I don't really have a fixed perception of myself (in terms of value as a person). It oscillates between feeling superior to others and feeling like a loser. At least I'm aware of it, that puts a damper on such feelings getting out of control.

>>10588

>Do you think much of yourself?

I think very little about myself, I see myself as a loser,failure and a disappointment.

Ever since I can remember, I've been bullied and belittled. I was born with a lazy eye and received much reticule for it during primary and secondary school. I reached my breaking point when in 10th grade a teacher decided to make an example out of me for touching a computer. He basically made me stand in front of 40+ people and stare at a screw. People picked on me for weeks until I eventually couldn't take it and dropped out of high school. Shortly after I got a job working in warehouse with my cousin and did that for about 2 years until my boss yelled at me and I just couldn't go back.

I've been unemployed for a good 3 years now and I still live at home with my parents. I'm also 20 and still a virgin.

I don't know what to do with my life and have developed an aversion to people. I Just prefer to be isolated and alone now.

So essentially I'm a depressed leech who cuts himself or gets angry when thinking about traumatic events in my life.

>>10588
I don't have an opinion of myself. I don't care about me. Though, when depression sinks in I do start to think I'm a horrible person. That's it.

For a good portion of my life I've become emotionally vacant. I get frustrated, and I laugh a little, but those reactions very quickly dissipate and I'm left with nothing. A lot of the bad things in my life don't affect me at all. I have thick burn scars scattered on my body from when I got burned by a house fire as a child. People would pick on me for it, but I'd think nothing of it. It never upset me, and I never retaliated. Maybe I've just accepted all of it. I don't know because I've never thought too deeply into it. I've always been focused on other stuff.

My psychiatrist says I'm very calm and collected, even when I'm talking about what he thought would be very personal stuff that I would get invested and talking loudly about. Other people say I'm weird, and my friends think I'm really funny, but sometimes have a very dry sense of humour.

I'm not sure if that answers the question. The most I can say I think about myself is that I'm weird? Like I said, I don't have an opinion of me. I felt compelled to answer this in hopes that I would be able to answer. Guess not. Sorry if this is a waste of time.

I feel a lot of disgust towards myself, in part because I'm a NEET and my life seems especially empty and useless but also for reasons completely unrelated. They kinda go hand-in-hand sometimes. I'm a NEET because I think I'm garbage and I think I'm garbage because I'm a NEET.

Having such a carefree existence is fun most of the time but I know I'm not going to be able to do it forever and I also wonder what I'm missing out on. I think that's the worst part of it. For a while, I was able to justify it to myself by saying "well, you're not really missing out on anything, you're just having a different set of experiences" but lately that's become less effective as I've gotten more and more bored of my daily life.

I have bursts of confidence occasionally that can last days at a time but I never act on them and they always go away as soon as I'm in a situation with someone who I feel is "better" and more well-adjusted than me.

A tough part of it is also the embarrassment/shame. I'm at that age where people who watched me grow up are all asking what I'm doing with my life now and I have a bunch of different lies I tell because it'd break my heart to have to say "oh i sit inside all day on the internet and play video games" because I know some of them honestly believed in me and thought I could amount to something.

I'm no longer actively suicidal like I was for years because I just don't have the energy to care that much anymore. But if I was diagnosed with a terminal illness tomorrow and told that I only had 3 months to live, I'd mostly feel relieved. Even now, when things are super bad, I tell myself "I can always kill myself if it gets any worse" which is really comforting to me for some reason.

Sometimes I wonder if I actually do have a chance to be a productive adult. Everyone's been telling me since I was a little kid that it'll get better and I'll be okay and things will get figured out so I guess the main purpose of my life right now is to keep on playing that waiting game and seeing if I get better or I die first.

>>10588
I Found ya!!!!!

>>10588
Goddamn it, fucker. You better not be sleeping, or have killed yourself.

>>10617
Turning 20 next month and I'm from Aus too. Why does it suck being 19 and a NEET? Have you just given up on getting a job/education?

>>10632

I'm from Aus as well. This is me>>10624

Since abbot is raising the prices of courses and university you can throw the idea of getting an education right out the door which dooms our kind to being NEET for a very long time.

>>10632

yea pretty much what >>10633 said. I'm not really that interested in any particular course/degree. Given i've had problems with social anxiety, it's hard to find a job that i'd be able to cope with. I had a phone interview with bunnings a few months ago, but I didn't do it cause I ended up finding out that we would have to do a group interview which is a big no-no. Same pretty much goes for coles, even for shelf packing you have to do a group interview, like dafuq? I just wanna put shit on the shelves lol.

I pretty much just gave up a few years ago and never really bothered 'doing anything'.

Once, I hated myself and was ashamed. I clung to the concepts the drive normal people, ideas of social "success" and such, and basically judged myself by the standard of what I thought society wanted of me, despite not really being a part of that society.

Eventually, I stopped giving a shit about the norms or their silly desires and rituals, and I began to respect myself for who I am. I have strengths and faults like anyone. Norms might think I'm worthless, if even they acknowledge my existence, but it doesn't really effect me in any way, so why should I care? We live in completely different worlds.

>>10634

You do realize what a group interview is right? it's where they interview multiple applicates at the same time. It beats having a one on one interview.

>>10627
>>10628
I haven't. I don't have any good reason to. Life's an adventure and even the shittier experiences can seem worthwhile. It's nice that you haven't either, though I can't help but wish you were able to enjoy life a little more

Don't you still know my email?

>>10638

they still do the one on one interviews lol. phone, group, then one on one. But in the group interviews they get you to go get a product have you have to try and "sell it". no thanks lol.

I suppose now is as good a time as time as any to reply. What is my opinion of myself… I'm an unproductive NEET and I cannot justify my consumption of resources, the only justification I have for my continued existence is that I am capable of making up for this period of unproductive consumption at some point in the future and freeing myself from this sense of guilt and obligation. But beyond that, I don't think I'm that awful, I have made progress in improving myself and taking control of (or at least responsibility for) myself and my life. I still hate myself on a base level, but I have cultivated some level of self respect. While I try not to dwell on them, I can't forget my past sins, the beginnings of getting my shit together is a fairly recent development, and I have a long way to go before I can feel like I've done more good than harm.

I try to live low impact, avoiding motor transportation, meat, and excessive waste. I volunteer occasionally. I'm healthy and I'm in decent shape, and I'm learning kung fu/wushu and I'm making slow but considerable progress. I'm also making some progress towards learning 日本語. I'm totally free of psychoactive substances, psychiatric or recreational, for a significant period for the first time in my adult life (I was medicated form age 7 to 20), so I like to believe that I am responsible for myself, my progress and my faults, and no other.

Ultimately, I really don't like myself. I regularly think about suicide and have a history of suicidalaity. While the idea of death or non-existence is appealing, I must relinquish conciousness at some point. I think the process or experience of relinquishing conciousness will be easier or less painful if I can do it with some level of dignity, with minimal regret and a sense that at the very least, the aggregate of my presence and actions did not make things worse. All of the progress that I have made is to this end.

I do not love myself. I'm fucked up and I have a lot of shit, my heart and my soul are ultimately toxic. It's been that way since childhood, possibly from the beginning. I don't know if I will ever be able to love myself. For a while I thought I was unlovable, but I no longer believe that. I have a had of couple of people love me. But ultimately because I am unable to love myself, I was unable to truly reciprocate that love. As a result of that, exposing them to the toxicity of my heart and soul, and my own stupid actions, I hurt them. I regret this very much. I don't think I ever want to love again, and I don't know if I would be able to anyway. The path I have taken is lonely, but I think my policy of containment and penance is probably the best course of action right now.

I try not to compare myself to others because it is pointless. I expected I would have killed myself now, so I can at least say, "I'm doing this, I'm not dead, I've made a lot of progress compared to where I was even one year ago, I will continue making progress and maybe one day I can leave in peace."

In conclusion, I try not to think of myself too much. When I do, I try to focus on the consequences of my actions rather than my personal qualities. I don't like myself, but I take some pride in the progress that I have made. Even if I don't like my self, my conciousness, or my soul, I like my body, so I take some solace in that. I've begun to tolerate those other parts of myself, and I continue that make progress with the hope that one day I may accept the aggregate of my being and actions enough to end it with some dignity.

I hate myself.
Given enough time alone, I love myself.
I never get enough time alone.