After I didn't have any friends anymore I looked to getting back in with some friends from a very long time ago who might not hate me like everyone else. I finally hit it off with somebody who I messaged, just as I had given up hope they realized there was a message from me in a different folder than her inbox. We both were hating the place we lived in, and long story short we we moved out, combining our resources with a few people she met online who I had also been enjoying the company of. I was a desperate, depressed idiot at the time so when the gang got into drugs I was like "lol ok".
Over the course of the year we started dating, but she was also dating most of the other roommates. Even though she roped us all into this she was experiencing jealousy issues and paranoia that kept anyone in the house from interacting properly. But we already knew how unstable she'd become, so breaking up with her she'd probly just kill herself like she threatened all the last times something went wrong. We wanted to help her get over this issue or decide how this relationship triangle should be worked out.
One night she had gotten her hands on some benzos I didn't know about, she had binged on them all night apparently. We had an argument the following morning, she wasn't giving me any time to respond or think, she was desperate and I wanted to give her an answer so badly. I snapped at her and told her to come talk to me when she can discuss this calmly. Maybe if this hadn't happened the moment I woke up I would have remembered she had access to a gun.
I would never hear until she was gone all the dozens of ways she would turn us against each other to get us to leave, one by one until only I was left. She had made her choice that she only wanted be with me a long time ago. If I were to try to follow the timeline far back enough, based on what she's told me, she wanted to do anything she could to get closer to me from the moment she met me. I should have realized what that was going to mean. But would I have acted differently? I loved her so I believed every lie she told me to make it okay. I still love her and I wish it could have worked out because she taught me so many beautiful ways to look at life. She had so much positivity when she wasn't in her darkest of moods.
We thought we were healing each others wounds but we were actually living in a land made up of lies we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better about how fucked up Post too long. Click here to view the full text.