No.8110
My father is the weirdest person I've ever met, and one of the strangest people I've ever seen both online or off. So it only makes sense I'd turn out weird too.
But how is he weird? Well… whenever he speaks, it's like there's 3 or 4 different possible ways to interpret it. You never understood what he was really feeling, and he floated through life as if it were a game or a joke. Every time he did something, you had the impression that he would be perfectly content never doing it again.
Actually, I was deeply close with my father from birth until age 10, and this has permanently shaped how I see the world. In school I would try to befriend the quiet kids, but as soon as they warmed up to me I lost interest because I felt I understood them. Only those who I could not understand could hold my attention. Perhaps my baseline was permanently ruined by the influence of my father, or perhaps it's genetics.
Either way, as an adult I moved onto studying more complex figures like Arthur Schopenhauer or Yukio Mishima. Unfortunately, here too I was at a loss. Whatever intrigue which exists in these figures is rapidly diminished by close pattern observation. They don't follow the same rules as other humans, but once you watch them closely, you'll figure out their patterns in no time. And once I understand them, I can no longer take them seriously. My whole book collection could go up in smoke at this point, it wouldn't matter. I turned to philosophy, to mysticism, to numerology, to science. None of them contained what I was looking for. They didn't come close.
Nothing in the world can satisfy my desire, so I'm forced to create it. Whether I succeed or not remains to be seen. But I'll try.
No.8162
>>8110I think once you understand your father, the spell will be broken
No.8208
anon..,,i relate to you anon. This iswhy in the first place i have decided self isolation is the next best thing after a few attempts. I cant say i fully hate my life though, id just prefer not to exist, sorry for getting off topic n all.
No.8336
Can't quite put my finger on it but yes. I've always blamed it on being an immigrant even though I speak the native language without an accent and all my friends were natives growing up. I'm not able to articulate myself how I would want to. Writing is the closest thing I have.
In the end, although I'm not the dumbest in the world, I'm not smart enough to figure out what the underlying mechanism to this great problem with belonging is.
