/hikki/ - NEET / Advice

Well, not really like a matrix error or similar, but since the pandemic I've felt considerably out of touch with people. As someone with Asperger's, I have never been one of many friends or being recognized but even so you don't feel like you are on a different planet. But since then, I now see and feel things very differently than others, to the point that you feel like an island separate from the rest of the lands. I remember as a child having zero ideas of these thoughts and living happily in that stupid but beautiful innocence of the world. Sometimes I feel that social networks have had something to do with it, but I don't even have clear evidence, so I can't say anything about it.

That, and even when you try to talk or minimally socialize, your head doesn't stop thinking about what things you might have said that made you look ridiculous or that you wasted someone's time. Even playing something online you feel totally out of touch with other players.

Yeah op it’s called autism spectrum disorder

>>8056

You say that, and maybe in jest, but my issue feels more like an outbound issue where autism is more of an inbound issue. I can read other people just fine, maybe too well, I overthink every little facial twitch. But when it's my turn to act, it's like I'm pretending to be human and doing so very poorly.

I wish I was autistic because then I'd have a group of people I could potentially relate to.

>>8057
>I overthink every little facial twitch

Someone else that suffer that. Great.

>>8057
I was only saying it partially in jest. As a diagnosed autist, I did see a lot of my experience in your post, and this reply actually confirmed my suspicions further. The hyperattentiveness to people’s expressions is actually just as autistic as a lack of attentiveness, as I can attest personally. The ‘pretending to be human’ comment is especially poignant to me, for a while in my childhood I genuinely thought I was an alien who couldn’t assimilate into society because of my alien traits. Op, I’m not a doctor so I can’t and won’t diagnose you here, but I will say about 6 of my peers have been formally diagnosed with it since I introduced the idea to them. It’s worth a look, I think. Lol

yeah, i've felt like this just about my whole life. as though I was born with some kind of malediction that makes me impossible to be happy

kind of a corny way to approach life, imo, but i get what you mean op.

there is a sense of loneliness i felt a lot when i waa younger, being exposed to the internet and delving more deeper into the online world. i sometimes forget that the things i see online everyday and not reflective in real life situations. it makes me feel like an alien who struggles to properly adjust to human society. i still have a lot of things to look forward too but it's primarily for my sake.

Pretty much for all my life, I always felt like the odd one out even though I never stood out except my right hand (my thumb was amputated) but it obviously never bothered me. Is hard for me to relate to people or even feel empathy for my Family and Friends, I recently starting to doubt my love for anyone, that's one of the reason why I go out as little as necessary and even be cautious about when to get out of my room for food or the toilet, so I don't meet any of my siblings.

My father is the weirdest person I've ever met, and one of the strangest people I've ever seen both online or off. So it only makes sense I'd turn out weird too.

But how is he weird? Well… whenever he speaks, it's like there's 3 or 4 different possible ways to interpret it. You never understood what he was really feeling, and he floated through life as if it were a game or a joke. Every time he did something, you had the impression that he would be perfectly content never doing it again.

Actually, I was deeply close with my father from birth until age 10, and this has permanently shaped how I see the world. In school I would try to befriend the quiet kids, but as soon as they warmed up to me I lost interest because I felt I understood them. Only those who I could not understand could hold my attention. Perhaps my baseline was permanently ruined by the influence of my father, or perhaps it's genetics.

Either way, as an adult I moved onto studying more complex figures like Arthur Schopenhauer or Yukio Mishima. Unfortunately, here too I was at a loss. Whatever intrigue which exists in these figures is rapidly diminished by close pattern observation. They don't follow the same rules as other humans, but once you watch them closely, you'll figure out their patterns in no time. And once I understand them, I can no longer take them seriously. My whole book collection could go up in smoke at this point, it wouldn't matter. I turned to philosophy, to mysticism, to numerology, to science. None of them contained what I was looking for. They didn't come close.

Nothing in the world can satisfy my desire, so I'm forced to create it. Whether I succeed or not remains to be seen. But I'll try.

Yeah
I don't know who I am, I only feel confusion and uncertainty
And I can't communicate or connect with anyone because I can't even connect with myself

>>8110
I think once you understand your father, the spell will be broken

anon..,,i relate to you anon. This iswhy in the first place i have decided self isolation is the next best thing after a few attempts. I cant say i fully hate my life though, id just prefer not to exist, sorry for getting off topic n all.

Can't quite put my finger on it but yes. I've always blamed it on being an immigrant even though I speak the native language without an accent and all my friends were natives growing up. I'm not able to articulate myself how I would want to. Writing is the closest thing I have.

In the end, although I'm not the dumbest in the world, I'm not smart enough to figure out what the underlying mechanism to this great problem with belonging is.