/hikki/ - NEET / Advice

I will die alone.

I blocked almost all imageboards, forums, porn sites, discord and youtube from my router, changed the password to a random one hard to type one, and scheduled an email to be sent to myself with the password one mont from now.

For three days I have been cut from using the internet as cheap entertainment. I wonder if I should have cut music streaming sites too.

Seems like I missed blocking this site but it doesn't seem too active anyway so I'm safe.

Manga and books are getting a bit stale. Went through four of each.

I don't know what I'm going to accomplish with this. I'm curious if anyone has done this nosurf/nofap/whatever thing. I don't really care for the outcome.

Has anyone here ever been obsessed with someone for no reason at all? Not in a crush-esque kinda way, just platonic, if that.

For example, I saw someone a while back on a Discord server and they're probably the only person who shares the same interests on the server as I do. I can't get them out of my head and am constantly thinking about doing stuff together. I've got a circle of friends already, but I just feel some sort of a special connection (?) to them. Am I becoming a creep or something?

I am hikikomori and I used to get upset about it but then I tried to overcome agoraphobia and social anxiety only to discover I prefer being by myself.
There is nothing out there for me so I sit inside and listen to music and I feel very tranquil yet suicidal at the same time I think it is peak apathy. I have given up on myself and that is honestly ok with me I see life differently now and am gla I spent near a decade as a hikikoori.
I have had a lot of time to investigate thoughts and the world from reading and experience but have come to understand that there is no understanding and trying to do so will only lead you to the abyss.
Reason leads to pessimism and bleak existential despair because we are human and cannot cognize beyond what we can observe without building on top of many abstractions.
I might die or I might not and none of that matters unless I think it does but I did want to make this post to try encourage some other hikki not to improve as such but really think about everything.
If you do not desire a normalfag life why bother trying to gain one and if you do ask yourself why.
I took a knife to my watch and cut a sliver off as I hope that it may help someone else.
It can always get worse in life that is a certainty but also as the Buddhists say our desires bring us pain however we need to juggle well and not go to any extreme with ascetism and just throw our hands up whilst experiencing the wind brushing against our face and accept it as it is without any other added abstractions.
Mindfulness is important a lot of us we think far too much it causes much of our social anxiety also and it is not bad to think a lot but we have to realize our cognatize skills have become over extended and are useless do you understand what I mean? do you understand what I mean when I say that empiricism can never explain anything beyond an observation of what appears to be and a philosopher can never explain anything beyond a structure built from abstractions which are untestable?
We cannot know and the more you know the more you know that a universal theory or answer to life is out of our hands for it requires understanding every single moving part that exists and we will never know because we are limited that is a theme repeated throughout life.
We could birth a machine with a semblance of consciousness a meta human but no matter how "intelligent" it too would be trapped within the simulacrum from which it was constructPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

I hate people who glorify pain and suffering and "hard work" at the expense of your own health, free time and happiness. Suffering doesn't make you deep, it's not meaningful, and most importantly it's not necessary. These people brag about working 13 hours a day just so that other people can see how much they can endure. From an outside perspective, they look stupid. If you can find shortcuts, why not try them?

The people who win at life are the ones who know how to enjoy it, and you just know that the martyrs are seething with jealousy. This is where their criticism comes from (mainly about freelancers but also some neets), that they are shallow, that they have it easy, or "why do they make money sitting on their ass while I put in hard work"? Well, tough luck I guess? You're not superior for having a shitty life.

I'm curious, have any refugees from magicchan or /tower/ found their way here?

I have failed again it seems that I keep wasting a day away and then starting the work at the last moment, I have tried every reformation but it all makes it go worse I don't know what I can do to fix it, I dunno what gets into me in the day, I have no idea about why I made the decisions I made, what the fuck do I do? what the fuck can I do right now to ensure that I don't fuck up tomorrow morning? it's as if I am a different person, I really have no fucking idea anymore, everything I have tried has failed, I can't fucking give up.

I broke every vow I ever took over the past few years, I lied and lied whenever it was convenient

I was able to stop being a neet but I only ended up making my situation worse, I am trying to cover HS with homeschooling since I dropped out ages ago.

I have no idea what I should do I wish I was convinced in what I was doing but every fibre of my body wants to go back to being a neet, I have to cover up an years syllabus in 2-3 weeks if I don't wanna waste an year.

When I have to interact with people, quite often, they will find a way to misinterpret my anxiety. There are many misinterpretations, but they all seem to revolve around the other person involved. They think I must only be anxious because of them, not realizing that people with social anxiety are pretty much always anxious around people, except perhaps around their family members or a small group of friends. But around people they don't know, they will be anxious.

I have been accused of racism for being anxious around non-white people at my college's cafeteria, despite the fact that I get social anxiety around white people too. One time, a female counselor implied that I must be anxious around women, not understanding that I am anxious around men too. People have said thinks like "anon is bad at talking to girls" or "or anon gay?" but I am just bad at talking to people in general. Saying I'm "bad at talking to girls" implies that I'm good at talking to guys, which is not true.

The female counselor I saw sent me to a male counselor in the same counseling office place and I was anxious around him too. He seemed to take it personally and thought it was about him as an individual. Very unprofessional across the board. He also asked me about drugs and alcohol and I told him about my drinking, and so he thought I must be anxious because of drinking too often (it's the opposite: I drink too much to cope with anxiety, not the other way around).

Another time, someone invited me to volunteer at a homeless shelter. I was sleep-deprived and also still had social anxiety, because I always have it, and being in a situation where I had to serve people food and talk to them made it especially bad. The person who invited me implied that I was afraid of homeless people, even though they've seen how I act around other people.

A final example was how I was invited by my friend to spend Thanksgiving with him and his family. They are extremely loud and outgoing and it was a little intimidating with all the questions and being put on the spot a few times. My friend thought I really enjoyed checking my phone, when in reality I was only doing it to avoid making eye contact or to cope with my extreme anxiety.

I don't get the impression that very many people truly understand what I'm going through, and these accusations make it even worse.

Have people ever misinterpreted your mental health issues? If so, what happened?

Ever consider taking a vow of silence?

Like I get so tired of people calling me stupid or retarded… or just giving me *that* look. It would be so much easier to just shut up forever.

My girlfriend is a NEET.

She has had a few jobs in the past, but she has always had to leave due to mental health problems. She has been struggling with mental health problems ever since her teenage years. Specifically, she has BPD and depression. I can relate with many of her feelings and experiences, because I also struggle with depression. One thing I should mention is that we have only talked online; I will be meeting her in person for the first time very soon. I seek other opinions and perspectives.

If you are in a situation similar to her, how would you want someone to support you?

If you have been in a similar situation, how did it go?