/hikki/ - NEET / Advice

I am hikikomori and I used to get upset about it but then I tried to overcome agoraphobia and social anxiety only to discover I prefer being by myself.
There is nothing out there for me so I sit inside and listen to music and I feel very tranquil yet suicidal at the same time I think it is peak apathy. I have given up on myself and that is honestly ok with me I see life differently now and am gla I spent near a decade as a hikikoori.
I have had a lot of time to investigate thoughts and the world from reading and experience but have come to understand that there is no understanding and trying to do so will only lead you to the abyss.
Reason leads to pessimism and bleak existential despair because we are human and cannot cognize beyond what we can observe without building on top of many abstractions.
I might die or I might not and none of that matters unless I think it does but I did want to make this post to try encourage some other hikki not to improve as such but really think about everything.
If you do not desire a normalfag life why bother trying to gain one and if you do ask yourself why.
I took a knife to my watch and cut a sliver off as I hope that it may help someone else.
It can always get worse in life that is a certainty but also as the Buddhists say our desires bring us pain however we need to juggle well and not go to any extreme with ascetism and just throw our hands up whilst experiencing the wind brushing against our face and accept it as it is without any other added abstractions.
Mindfulness is important a lot of us we think far too much it causes much of our social anxiety also and it is not bad to think a lot but we have to realize our cognatize skills have become over extended and are useless do you understand what I mean? do you understand what I mean when I say that empiricism can never explain anything beyond an observation of what appears to be and a philosopher can never explain anything beyond a structure built from abstractions which are untestable?
We cannot know and the more you know the more you know that a universal theory or answer to life is out of our hands for it requires understanding every single moving part that exists and we will never know because we are limited that is a theme repeated throughout life.
We could birth a machine with a semblance of consciousness a meta human but no matter how "intelligent" it too would be trapped within the simulacrum from which it was constructed like ourselves and be unable to cognize beyond itself.

Life is such a strange thing. for now I am nearly convnced I exist and I may move onto an anime world or burn in despair I can only be uncertain so effectively within stasis.
Wishing for death whilst lacking the psychological means because the physical is there.
What is man?