>>6535I have no idea. I only ever got one friend online but that only lasted I think three months. No idea why he had to leave, maybe he really had BPD and I shouldn't have dismissed and ignored that. Maybe he just got sick of me because of my weird autistic ramblings. I can see how someone a lot more normal than me would think that I'm too much to deal with. First time this ever happened and I got "ghosted", as the kids say.
Over time, reality looks simpler to me than the internet. But either way you have to expose yourself to other people somehow, but even that involves a lot of chance. I want to risk everything and go to places in real life that could increase my chances of finding some degree of happiness, but as soon as I decided that I had enough of being a hikki after so many years, the world decided that no one is allowed to go anywhere anymore. It's like it conspired to ruin me. I'm sure that a lot of people feel the same way.
>>6536Even in communities that match my interests (and I have more than most people, which is kind of a problem in a way) I'm still weird and not compatible with most people. People like my posts in various places and say nice things, but it doesn't help, it never leads to anything and I don't know how to be that active. People even said things like "I need a friend like you" before, but how am I supposed to respond to that? I don't even know anything about them because there was no discussion leading up to that, it was just me rambling as I always do. Anyway, I strongly regret not getting contact information from the few random people that I really enjoyed talking to a lot, over the years. That was a huge mistake. I can't recreate those situations either, because all of those encounters happened by accident, mostly in places that don't exist anymore.
Groups are also troublesome. Big groups are more active, so it's easier to find a discussion to join, but it's also easier to be ignored and it's more difficult to have anything meaningful. Small groups are dead, so if I say anything the focus will be entirely on me and I feel like I'm being watched by a silent crowd and that makes me too anxious, more than just being part of a crowd. And there is nothing to talk about anyway. Discord doesn't work because I have lurked and people don't talk about anything. Maybe I should look for groups, but I don't even want to use that thing because it's spyware. Additionally, I don't know how anything in groups and also in real time could possibly work. In a situation like that, there is no way to have a good discussion that would make me want to talk to someone. Ideally it would be not in real time, like here, and a small group, but also somewhat active. The best interactions that I ever had were in situations like that.
Everything is way too complicated And this is just friendship, it's easy mode compared to trying to find actual love in this nightmare world. I lived most of my life either unaware or in denial of my needs, so I have no experience with any of this. Maybe I should just leave contact information everywhere I go, and make a website that contains some information about me. I have been thinking about that. I have the skills to easily do it, so I should.