R: 15 / I: 2
I have a strong desire to be alone, if I never had to leave my room I would love that.
Whenever I'm out with people I feel like the spare part, everyone else will chat awat with each-other with no problem, myself always getting left
out, the only way I'm able to take part in a conversation is if I force myself to be a part of it and even then that only lasts a few moments before
everyone else gets back to chatting among themselves.
If it's one on one I'm able to talk away fine but that's only because there is no-one else other than myself and and the other person.
I am constantly worried about what other people think of me, I'm certain that my "friends" are talking about me behind my back, barely tolerate me or
are only friendly just to be polite, like I said, whenever I'm in a group of more than two people I feel like the extra part.
Even though I would like to be alone the idea of lonileness still gets to me, I want to feel like I'm apart of some group, I want to be with people
who like me, want to hear what I have to say, who respect me.
The paranoia always gets to me though, I never feel comfortable around any group, even with the only one person I feel comfortable around I still
feel like he secretly hates me.
That one person is the only person who ever calls for me, asks me if I want to hang out or whatever but the only times that actually happens, which
is a rarity in of itself, are when he's around with no-one else, I feel like I'm being used in a sense which just further feeds the idea that he
secretly hates me.
I don't want to work or go back to school because I feel I would not be able to handle to responsibility, I've become too used to my comfort zone I
guess, being in my room alone. I've applied for a college course a few months back, did the interviews and all. I'm scared of the reply that I should
recieve in the next day or two, not just of recieiving a negative reply, I'm also scared of being accepted. I dropped out of a college course before,
I was lazy, didn't pay enough attention, etc. I got sick of wasting my time, the class' time and my teacher's time so I dropped out.
Now I'm scared that I might end up doing the same thing.
I don't really know exactly why I made this thread, I like to think I'm looking for advice but I could as easily just want to vent, I honestly don't know.