I have a strong desire to be alone, if I never had to leave my room I would love that.
Whenever I'm out with people I feel like the spare part, everyone else will chat awat with each-other with no problem, myself always getting left
out, the only way I'm able to take part in a conversation is if I force myself to be a part of it and even then that only lasts a few moments before
everyone else gets back to chatting among themselves.
If it's one on one I'm able to talk away fine but that's only because there is no-one else other than myself and and the other person.
I am constantly worried about what other people think of me, I'm certain that my "friends" are talking about me behind my back, barely tolerate me or
are only friendly just to be polite, like I said, whenever I'm in a group of more than two people I feel like the extra part.
Even though I would like to be alone the idea of lonileness still gets to me, I want to feel like I'm apart of some group, I want to be with people
who like me, want to hear what I have to say, who respect me.
The paranoia always gets to me though, I never feel comfortable around any group, even with the only one person I feel comfortable around I still
feel like he secretly hates me.
That one person is the only person who ever calls for me, asks me if I want to hang out or whatever but the only times that actually happens, which
is a rarity in of itself, are when he's around with no-one else, I feel like I'm being used in a sense which just further feeds the idea that he
secretly hates me.
I don't want to work or go back to school because I feel I would not be able to handle to responsibility, I've become too used to my comfort zone I
guess, being in my room alone. I've applied for a college course a few months back, did the interviews and all. I'm scared of the reply that I should
recieve in the next day or two, not just of recieiving a negative reply, I'm also scared of being accepted. I dropped out of a college course before,
I was lazy, didn't pay enough attention, etc. I got sick of wasting my time, the class' time and my teacher's time so I dropped out.
Now I'm scared that I might end up doing the same thing.
I don't really know exactly why I made this thread, I like to think I'm looking for advice but I could as easily just want to vent, I honestly don't know.
Also, copy-pasting from a text document seems to mess up the format.
I have an online friend who is going through something similar. I've gone through a rough patch as well when I was younger, didn't really have any friends at all. One of the problems usually is how you perceive yourself, not how others perceive you. One thing I used to try to do is imagine how worse off other people are than I am. It made me feel like I shouldn't take shit for granted and waste my time moping around feeling sorry for myself (although it can be good to do that sometimes).
You shouldn't delve too deeply into what your friends might think, hell, this friend of yours might think the same thing and think you hate him, especially if you don't call to hang out that often. If anything, I would try to talk to him or your other friends about how you're feeling, or maybe talk to your family about it, there's always a way to overcome it. Stuff like that affected me too; I had to drop a whole semester of courses because of depression at one point. But I overcame, and I thought about how much life would be better if I took the initiative and tried my best to meet new friends and work hard in school, even if it meant some discomfort in the process. Even now, I still don't have many friends, but sometimes it can take awhile to meet people IRL that have common interests.
Well, I guess what I'm trying to say is have confidence in yourself and do whatever you can to be happy.
Maybe it is how I see myself.
I also know that everyone has their issues and problems but that just makes me feel worse, that I'm being a little bitch and that my problems aren't "real" problems.
You're right about that I should make more of an effort with that one friend but he lived in another town so it's difficult in that sense but the other day he moved further away to live close to the college he was accepted into so I probably will only see him a small handful of times a year for the next four years.
My other friends, I don't really properly hang out with them unless I'm with my closest friend, I don't really feel comfortable enough around them.
I do want to talk about it with someone, my parents are the ideal choice, yeah but I'm scared that they'll look down on me because of it, look at me like I'm weak or like I'm a burden…I don't acknowledge that fear as much as my fears towards my friends though because I know that they do care about me, it still floats around at the back of my head when I consider it though.
Yea, I used to go back and forth in my head too about how my problems weren't comparable to others too, yet I couldn't deal with them.
I wouldn't try to think that your parents would look down on you. They're there to help you, that's what family is for. If they did otherwise, they wouldn't be the greatest parents. I would try at least. I mean, there's not much to lose, and a lot to gain really. It might make you feel more comfortable about the situation and have some more confidence.
Yeah, when I feel good about it I'll try.>>99
I've been in groups who act friendly and buddy with each-other but when person leaves they all start talking shit about that person.
I learned once a few years back that one of my closest friends who I trusted did the same.
Further back one person who I trusted exploited that trust and held me against my will at knife point.
There's only person I feel I can trust now, that one friend I highlighted, who's my cousin and, as I said, my paranoia still eats at that.
My distrust of others isn't exactly unfounded.
Stop with the "I THINK everyone hates me" bullshit. If you sit around moping about what people MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT be thinking of you instead of engaging with them, then it's no wonder why people find it hard to get along with you. In fact, it seems like your entire thought processes revolve around what you think others are thinking, based on the actions of just a handful of people in your past. There are over 7 billion people on this planet, and yeah some are worse than others, but if you keep hiding behind lame excuses like "2 people were shitty to me so I can't trust anyone" then you're basically asking for your situation to be worse.
You say you want to get some friends in your life (even just a few), but your actions and thought processes say the exact opposite. You need to decide whether having friends is for you, and if you'd prefer it to being alone, then you need to start making an effort. Barricading yourself in your room and mistrusting every human being you come in contact with is NOT how you form lasting relationships with people.
I love how you can point out that everyone is not going to be a dick, while simultaneously being a dick about it.
Plus, the amount of time one must spend with there friends in order to maintain a stable relationship may exceed the amount of time one desires to spend with one's friends.
It's called "telling it like it is". OP (because I'm not sure if you're the OP or someone else commenting on this) wants friends, maybe a bunch or maybe just one or two but friends nonetheless, yet s/he is not doing what one should do in order to actually make friends. Dancing around the issue might be the non-dickish thing to do, but it's not going to help here.
And>the amount of time one must spend with there friends in order to maintain a stable relationship may exceed the amount of time one desires to spend with one's friends
Again, if you won't put forth the effort, then don't complain when no one wants to be around you. Simple as that. Relationships require effort from BOTH people; you don't want to do your fair share? Fine, that's your choice. But don't turn around later and act like it's some big mystery when no one wants to have anything to do with you.
It's not like I don't try.
Like I said, I feel like the spare part in any group, everyone talks away amongst themselves and I find it difficult to take part and when I do I usually get cut off mid-sentence, sometimes even by the person I was talking to so they can start talking to someone else.
>2 people were shitty to me so I can't trust anyone
Those were just the strongest examples.
Like I said, I've seen people act very friendly and buddy with each-other but the second one of them leaves the other will turn around and say how much they dislike that person or how that person annoys the hell out of them and so on. It's happened many times so is it really so unreasonable to assume people do it to me too?
To elaborate, it feels like I'm the friend of the person who's friends with everyone else in the group which I suppose is good way of putting it since I usually only hang out with everyone else through my closest friend.
The reason for that being my aforementioned paranoia.
I wasn't always like this, I used to be the one who actively went out and called for others before all the things that led to my mistrust of others built up.
So, yeah, I'm likely the one who alienated myself from everyone else and now I'm trying to be friends with people who are not really my friends any more which is likely why I feel like the spare part.
That's pretty much how it happened to me too. I just couldn't find anyone I really had anything in common with. You just gotta look for new friends I suppose. For example, I met a lot of cool people when I joined my university's eSports society. I still don't really have any close friends yet, but I still have some people that I hang out with from time to time and enjoy spending time with.
Maybe college/university will bring about a change, it would give me the opportunity to socially branch out I guess.
My fears and insecurities might still end up fucking that up though but I guess I'll just have to see.
College/uni won't change anything other than your surroundings if you don't change your attitude, too. It's not like you'll magically be gifted with social skills and a better outlook on life just because you went from one place to another.
To elaborate on my post, I was referring to the opportunity to meet people who might share my interests which would make it easier for me to feel comfortable in social situations and be able to identify better with the people around me.
I never said that my personality and mental state would magically change.