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/hikki/ - NEET / Advice

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File: 1669453175706.png (1.06 MB, 602x838, ivy (small bg photo).png)

 No.7533

Real quick, I'm a schizophrenic NEET on disability but because Murica I do not make enough to live off of on my own. I've always had to take roommates to share the rent with, and because most people don't do that for free, it's usually a romantic partner I move in with. Because I'm vulnerable and stupid, I end up falling for a person who hurts me, or even starts beating me and insulting me just to put me down. So I run away. I call a friend somewhere else in the States who can move me somewhere else, and then it starts again. I meet a person, they hurt me, I leave.

You get the point, basically. Medicaid is state based, so when you move elsewhere, you need to reapply for that state's version of Medicaid. As I've already been to half the states in the country, and already moved twice this year, it's been very hard to keep my medical benefits steady (they can take up to 100 days to approve an applicant after the forms are filled out or, if you have SSI, respond to a change of address.)

I can't get my meds so it's harder and harder to go outside, I can barely get food, and might be moving again in another few months too.

My family says they're willing to house and feed me and take care of the cost of my medicine, but the only stipulation is that I cannot bring anyone home with me. THe problem with this is that I'm extremely codependent, too broken to live for my own sake, so I need someone to lean on and be my purpose. But after 6 or 7 consecutive relationships that turned abusive, I'm really just thinking there isn't much hope for me living comfortably, or doing anything other than struggling like an animal every day to survive.

Are there any other diagnosed schizophrenics here whose conditions are severely disabling? If so, I'd love to know how you're all getting by, because I'm having a really tough time out here. (pic unrelated, just a drawing I did when I moved here)

 No.7534

File: 1669473670200.jpg (225.82 KB, 939x1446, 920.jpg)

>>7533
My situation is a bit different from yours, but I relate a lot to the hyper co-dependency and running away a from relationship and into another. Cultivating a sense of apathy can help shield you against toxic relationships, but it comes with the cost of everything feeling transient. Not sure how I can help, but I'm here if you want to talk - AngelSyrup#4138

Nice drawing, I hope things get better for you soon ♡

 No.7535

>>7534
Thank you ; w ;
I added you so we can talk.

 No.7536

>>7533
>>7534
Hello you two.

I can't relate to what you have been through, but I wanted to say that I am glad that you don't put up with abusive relationships. This only makes you worse, so always get away from that.
You >>7533 say that you can move in with your family. If you are on good terms with them, then I would take that offer. It can help you gain some sense of stability again and you won't be beaten. Maybe you can even start to work a little, maybe to save for the future? Or do you feel like you need therapy? Perhaps then you can try to move in together with somebody again, when you are in a better situation. Hopefully >>7534 has a family who is willing to support too.
I am not from the USA so I can't really extend a hand to you two, but your story really makes me to give you a hug. Good luck to you.

 No.7539

Not a diagnosed schizophrenic, but I have experience with other disorders and similar relationship issues.

OP, I agree with >>7536's suggestion to move in with your family. How easy it will be will depend on how aware and helpful they are towards your issues with abuse, so take it slow with them, and let them know your fear with regards to your lack of dependants within their stated requirements. There's a chance they could be more supportive than you think. When I actually set both my needs and my boundaries with my family, it became much easier to go outside sometimes, though there were a few concessions made to make it work.

It sounds like moving back in with your family could be a financial aid for you, too, that you could put towards saving to move out again, which is a fair goal to have, or seeking urgent long-term care, which I recommend. This will unfortunately make you reliant on staying in one place for a long time, and I cannot direct you towards anything specific, but if you have any ideas on what services or changes to your lifestyle that can mitigate or help your dependancy issues, that might make your future a little easier to reach. Living for others is a common trap for people with all kinds of mental health disorders, and it's easy to justify the toxicity because it helps you and benefits any abusive people you're dependant on. Recognising this is not actually okay is a good sign, and is the first step to finding a new method of living.

Your drawing is nice. Best of luck.

 No.7542

>>7533
I'm not schizophrenic and I'm not wandering, but I know what it's like to be dependent and to need other people to justify eating and breathing. I've been in rough relationships. I am not sure really what advice there is to give; I am not coping well with what I have and barely get by - but I do get by. I have, at least, gotten this far.

When it comes to falling into bad relationships, all I can really tell you is that we can pick who we live for, and I don't believe it has to be with someone who will take us in and fuck us. When we're codependent like that, it is a pretty common course of events to be taken advantage of, as the desperate often are. Entering into relationships like that is usually asking for something to go wrong.

Probably somebody has told you that before, and my advice is obvious to see and difficult to realize. Probably none of this is helpful. I don't really know. I know that nobody told me, and have had to learn the hard way that it's better to become close with someone because you trust them, rather than just trusting them because you want to become close.

It's very hard to be alone; it's like dying of poison. But toxic relationships are eponymously poisonous too. I try to live for many people. More than once I have stopped myself from killing myself by imagining, one by one, all of the people who my death would affect. The major and the minor, the people who would only pretend to care and the people who would be on suicide watch themselves. That sort of makes me feel like I'm living for lots of people - a whole spectrum of reasons to live. At least, if you care about any of them, which I haven't always.

After one relationship turned particularly bad, and I couldn't sustain myself anymore, I moved in with my family, and they became my main reason to live. We aren't particularly close; people are often surprised at how distant we all are from each other. Nevertheless, they are my people, and they have always come to help me when I fall, which is very often. Relationships are necessary to almost everybody. Most people aren't really equipped to be alone. But there are a lot of kinds of relationships, and they can be what a desperate person needs, too. I hope there was something worth thinking about in here; good luck.

 No.7550

File: 1670190043228.jpg (4 MB, 4160x3120, 9.jpg)

>>7533
very similar situation here. schizoaffective, chronically ill and disabled, neet, opiate and stimulant addict. i've either been homeless, squatting, or desperately moving between places since i turned sixteen. i've applied for disability at some point last year but they're being real bastards about letting me in to the system. I went to court to appeal to a judge recently, and i think it went well, so I am hoping with any semblance of luck i will at least get into those bare minimum neetbucks soon. right now i am in a cold northern part of america and am settling in for the winter. i get by financially with food stamps, applying for emergency funding programs from whatever state i'm in, and accumulating debt to the landlord when all else fails. it's not a good way to live. i am tired and sick and broke, more and more antisocial and introverted with each year. it sucks, too, because i'm not an entirely useless person - i've always been artistically talented, and i am accomplished in several skills, but they are skills that don't make you money unless you have charisma and business sense, of which i have none. so i basically stay in my little worlds in my head and my room and try to stay warm and i move to the next place when it all falls apart. i've slept everywhere from empty vans and campers to sheds filled with dogs. i hope i can stay where i am until it's spring again.

honestly i would settle for an abusive relationship again myself, as long as it was with someone who tried to take care of me. i'm sick of being unable to take care of myself.

photograph from my wandering

 No.7551

File: 1670214015823.png (1.15 MB, 870x641, melting (small photo).png)

>>7550
I'd really like to talk to you as well. I know what it's like to want to go back to an abusive relationship where your financial needs were once taken care of, even if it was terrible. Poverty and homelessness are hell on earth. Lately every night I have the same dream, and for some reason it's really disturbing. I'm a kid again, it's the end of the school day for all the 5th graders, and I wake up to the bell signaling the end of the last class. In that moment I suddenly "become aware" that everything I remember of my life prior to falling asleep is a dream and I'm actually going to go home to my parents. I get excited, even though I know that I'm about to go home to my abusive dad. Because none of the torture I endured as an adult was real, and I could start over from scratch.

Only, my parents don't come. The sun sets, it gets cold. I get hungry. Years pass. Then, someone leaving the building late, like 9pm, comes up to me and asks "What are you waiting here for, sir? Do you know where you are? Are you okay?" I look down at myself and I'm an adult again, and for the horrifyingly long second it takes me to be jarred awake by this realization, I'm not even sure what's real. I know what the dream means, and I know that I have to go home to live with my family. I just don't know what the hell I'm doing after that. And in the mean time, I'm already in a committed relationship, so I'd have to abandon that person. I know that's for the best by this point, but I am scared of hurting them, all because I'm incapable of standing on my own two feet.

pic unrelated, just another drawing I did.

 No.7553

I like colored pencil artwork.

 No.7555

>>7539
I already conceded and am going to move back in with them even though I'll be alone. It's unfortunate, and my relationship with my partner is unlikely to last, but I won't be any good to her or anyone else dead.

>>7553
I would post more but I think it's prohibited to dump art here for no reason. Glad you like it, anyway. If you want to see more, I'm on Twitter as @wanderersn3xus, and on Tumblr as @alver0sa

 No.7556

>>7555
It's not prohibited to dump art here "for no reason", but if you want to start a thread exclusively dedicated to art, feel free to make one on >>>/o/

 No.7558

>>7556
I feel like it may do well on the creepycute board, but I'm unsure about the rules there pertaining to posting your own work. I don't want to get banned for shameless self-advertising or anything like that, lol.

 No.7559

File: 1670456149839.png (144.23 KB, 400x400, i am a robot.png)

>>7555
Surely you're not here to be told the obvious, but genuinely: go into this with an open mind. None of us here know your family or your relationship with them, and I won't assume it's good just because they've offered to support you for now - God knows I've known people with a shitty family life that still feeds them and puts a roof over their heads - but it never hurts to try it. If you can have a talk with them, or try to involve them in your long-term treatment and coping with your disorders, you might get a little time to stabilise your life.

Try and get your meds as soon as you can, and determine what's most pressing to work on: your unstable lifestyle, your abusive relationship issues, or those dependency issues. I'd hope more schizophrenics will post soon, as again, I can only really relate to your dependency problems, and mental disorders more generally. But if you ever need to reach out in a low-risk way, this board is a good place to do it sometimes. Just be careful with what personal accounts you advertise on any imageboard.

I personally wouldn't worry about getting b& for posting original content with your posts, >>>/cc/ included. You can always try to summon Sei and see what they think.

 No.7560

>>7559
There's no rule against posting your own content. I suggested >>>/o/ because that's where "art" generally goes (even the creepy or "unnerving" pictures), but feel free to use >>>/cc/ instead if you think it's more fitting. Both boards deserve more love and activity.

Also, sorry if I didn't comment anything in particular regarding your situation, but I agree with the other anons, and I don't have much to contribute myself, sadly. I sincerely hope things get better for you soon.

 No.7596

>>7533
Hey, I am curious since you said you had to endure "abuse" from your dad since you were a child, yet you are planning to go back home where, I suppose, he would be waiting for you too? May I ask what's the relationship with your father right now like? Do you feel like you can trust him? I am just asking because it may be something to consider.



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