I'll allow the conversation, but guro images are a violation of Rule 3.
I dunno what there really is to say or discuss, but I've self-harmed for a long time. Started cutting around 13 and am late 20s now, but have self-harmed since I was a kid by biting my hand and stuff, but didn't think anything of it.
I always cut with blunt scissors, enough that it'd cause a lot of superficial bleeding but no serious deep scars, so my arm is still scarred, but it's all very faint. Used to do it very often, multiple times a week, and it'd usually be impulsive over being upset or angry, but I've not been doing it as much recently. Doing it with a sharp blade not only scars more, it was less satisfying because it cuts so easily. Using blunt scissors felt satisfying because it took more to cause bleeding.
I've only been self harming every few weeks now though, and when I do it, it's usually so impulsive that I just punch my thigh or arm instead. It doesn't feel as satisfying as cutting with scissors, but the bruises still look nice to me in the same way that bleeding did.
Picture is a photo I took one time, I liked how it looked.
Well a week later and I just got so upset over something that I ended up cutting again for the first time in almost two years. I fell out with a friend and I responded negativity, but they said very malicious things they likely knew would make me feel the worst they could make me feel.
I've not been this upset in a long time, I feel like I've lost years of progress just from this. Recently I have been going to gym near daily and just got a part time job, but was waiting for dates, but now I feel like ghosting them and I don't want to go to gym with cuts. Wearing long sleeves during summer sucks, I wish I was better at controlling my emotions. They're so strong it's like a physical need to get them out, or I can't stop being fixated on them until do something.
I don't know why I'm blogging here, I should probably just try doing a personal journal.
Shit anon that's horrible. I'm sorry if my thread put the idea of cutting back in your head by the way. I usually punch myself on impulse now too. Hope these arm ones fade quickly.>>7298
Safety razor scars staying there for 11 years? Do you have paper skin?
It's ok, the thread didn't contribute to it, but thank you. I'm just bad at controlling my emotions, and it crossed the threshold where I needed to do something more this time.
How long have you not cut for now? Did you begin doing other things because of scarring?
I started doing other stuff (punching, clawing, strangulation) first as knee-jerk reactions to despair. When I started cutting it was just because blood is cool. The ritual of getting out my knife and the focus enduring the pain took would take me out of whatever loop was going on in my mind, but I never relied on it so it wasn't hard to stop. The scars are why I stopped, specifically a diagonal one who's angle I find extremely ugly. I've thought about slashing it up with horizontal cuts to cover it up but that would only make it worse. Judging from the timestamp on the photos that was about a year ago. I'm just glad I never slashed my face, I know I was tempted in the bloodlust.
I have cut my thighs in the past with a razor blade. Recently I have preferred to burn myself with matches, I like that a lot better. It just gives me a rush and I feel a little better, it is a slight compulsion.
Thanks for the reply lain. Yeah… if mine haven't faded by now they're probably here for life like you say. I don't care much about strangers seeing them, but around my family I'm always paranoid that my clothes will come up and they'll see and put me in therapy or something. I have nostalgia for times in the past where I know I was just as miserable too. It's weird. Everyone wants to switch their struggles with someone else's, but doing that to myself makes me feel like a goldfish. I'd write a note to my future self, but I'm hoping I won't be in a position to need it by then.
The thing causing it for me isn't so much self worth as despair for the state of my life/future/world/reality. Self worth is mixed in there but it's not a big part. I'm not quite out of the hole yet… and honestly I don't know how I could be, because most of my despair feels completely justified and reasonable. My way of seeing is always developing though, maybe there's something new in the distance that puts all of this in a different light.
>If you want to have some way of control you need to blend in at some point
Could you explain this a bit more?
Never cut myself on purpose but I would punch and kick things as a habit absent mindedly so much that my skin would break on my shins and knuckles. I have also smashed my head repeatedly against walls as well as punching walls in anger really hard most of the work I have done in my life has been hard labor and lots of alchohol abuse so I have been hit in the head by people and objects many times and I know it has affected my brain not so much physical scars(tho I do have them) but the scars on my brain
I cut very infrequently, but reliably, for years. I always did deep, but relatively small cuts, to maximize pain and blood for minimum scars and visible damage. Sometimes I bled a lot, but I've always had an interest in medicine and first aid, and had stitched some shut in the past. I considered the pain from suturing a bonus.
To this day I can't say for certain why I did it. I think it was in some way because I wanted to be scarred. I wanted to be a mess. I wanted people to look at me and know there was something wrong with the world. Even so, I took care to treat the wounds and limit the scarring. They're scattered around my body and not in any rows or anything like that, and I've always healed really well, so many of them have faded despite being deep. Most of them are now subtle darker spots.
I eventually stopped because I was stupid. I was in a very tumultuous time in my life, and had just dropped out of college to go full NEET. I was very angry at myself. I had just started using a really nice hunting knife to cut, and I wasn't really familiar with it yet. While making a few smaller cuts, I got overzealous, and started to cut my back. A lot bigger and a lot deeper than I intended. I tried to deal with it myself, but it was too big, and too deep, and it being on my back made it very hard to suture, and I was losing way too much blood. After I couldn't stand up to see in the mirror anymore, I eventually gave in and called an ambulance.
My emergency contact proceeded to tell absolutely everybody (cops, family, hospital, friends….) what had happened. I tried to tell the social worker that they sent to evaluate me in the hospital that I didn't mean to hurt myself that badly, and that I wasn't going to do it again, but they told me I was 'unremorseful' and told me to my face that I was lying to them. Then they put me on involuntary medical hold in a facility. Let's just say that staying sane there was much tougher than the healing process.
After that I stopped, because it all felt so stupid and not worth the tribulations. I still get the urge, and have clawed myself a little bit in some more severe moments, but I've never actually cut again. As I said, the urge exists, but I don't miss it, really. Looking back, it feels very pointless. I still can't express that feeling of making other people see me, but I sure couldn't do it with cutting.
I get questions sometimes, mostly while swimming. If it looks like a classic self-harm scar, people know not to ask, but mine looks like someone came at me with a katana, so most people ask. I usually lie, or sometimes just deflect. Deflecting feels better, but they know that you didn't answer their question.
I also dated a girl who cut. She had the classic razorblade lines along the wrists and thighs. She alternated between trying to be proud of them, and liking their aesthetic, to (the somewhat more frequent response) of being really ashamed of them. I told her that it was her business if she did, but I didn't want her to. When she was insecure about it, I told her a scar is just one more landmark on her body for me to remember, but I don't think it made her feel better. I don't think anything I did made her feel better.
I would like to tell people to just live with the scars, and not really be ashamed of them. To look the world in the eye and say "yeah I did some crazy shit, I sure was stupid.". But I sure as hell am not going to do that. I can't expect anyone to do that. But if I could give you the fake advice of an idealized person, I would tell you all to see them as the chapters of your life, like height marks on the wall. They are sad, but they are just you, and life.
I used to cut infrequently, usually during stressful or overly dull moments in my life I guess. nobody except for my boyfriend has ever seen my scars, and the ones I have anyway are close enough to certain places that they just look like stretch marks or whatever. I always thought it'd be tacky or too shameful of me to go the classic arm route, but I used to feel kind of envious of people with visible scars who could "be so open about it" in my head. I've always been too prideful about certain things, maybe cutting was one of those things, or maybe the decision to not cut on my arms was one of those things. it's probably the only thing that's kept me from fucking myself up too badly, or visibly.>>7342
man, being admitted against my will has always been my worst nightmare and possibly the one other thing that's kept me from doing anything too deep or too near something. like you I always dressed my wounds appropriately, trying to make things heal as best as I could, while also secretly hoping someone would somehow see me as a wreck of a person too or something. it's such a desperate feeling.
I'm sorry you had to spend time under hold though, especially like that. I hope you're doing better, you sound like a nice person. for me the scars if anything just keep me from wearing certain clothes I'd really like to try. I don't know if I'll ever embrace them but who knows, it'd definitely be a lot easier if everyone could.