/hikki/ - NEET / Advice

Nowadays it's all about the harm I can inflict on myself with my own body. While cutting was a choice, this is a compulsion. The decision is made and executed before it reaches consciousness. I've strangled myself enough to spit blood. It's not so bad though because the marks it leaves always fade away.

I'll allow the conversation, but guro images are a violation of Rule 3.

I dunno what there really is to say or discuss, but I've self-harmed for a long time. Started cutting around 13 and am late 20s now, but have self-harmed since I was a kid by biting my hand and stuff, but didn't think anything of it.

I always cut with blunt scissors, enough that it'd cause a lot of superficial bleeding but no serious deep scars, so my arm is still scarred, but it's all very faint. Used to do it very often, multiple times a week, and it'd usually be impulsive over being upset or angry, but I've not been doing it as much recently. Doing it with a sharp blade not only scars more, it was less satisfying because it cuts so easily. Using blunt scissors felt satisfying because it took more to cause bleeding.

I've only been self harming every few weeks now though, and when I do it, it's usually so impulsive that I just punch my thigh or arm instead. It doesn't feel as satisfying as cutting with scissors, but the bruises still look nice to me in the same way that bleeding did.

Picture is a photo I took one time, I liked how it looked.

>>7289

Well a week later and I just got so upset over something that I ended up cutting again for the first time in almost two years. I fell out with a friend and I responded negativity, but they said very malicious things they likely knew would make me feel the worst they could make me feel.

I've not been this upset in a long time, I feel like I've lost years of progress just from this. Recently I have been going to gym near daily and just got a part time job, but was waiting for dates, but now I feel like ghosting them and I don't want to go to gym with cuts. Wearing long sleeves during summer sucks, I wish I was better at controlling my emotions. They're so strong it's like a physical need to get them out, or I can't stop being fixated on them until do something.

I don't know why I'm blogging here, I should probably just try doing a personal journal.

I used to. I started when I was 12 using a woman's shaving razor. I didn't think much of it and assumed the marks would go away though I'm turning 23 this year and they're still there - some faint, some darker.

Sometimes they make me want to cut again as life has been upsetting. But beyond my arms… maybe.

>>7297
Shit anon that's horrible. I'm sorry if my thread put the idea of cutting back in your head by the way. I usually punch myself on impulse now too. Hope these arm ones fade quickly.

>>7298
Safety razor scars staying there for 11 years? Do you have paper skin?

>>7299
It's ok, the thread didn't contribute to it, but thank you. I'm just bad at controlling my emotions, and it crossed the threshold where I needed to do something more this time.

How long have you not cut for now? Did you begin doing other things because of scarring?

>>7300
I started doing other stuff (punching, clawing, strangulation) first as knee-jerk reactions to despair. When I started cutting it was just because blood is cool. The ritual of getting out my knife and the focus enduring the pain took would take me out of whatever loop was going on in my mind, but I never relied on it so it wasn't hard to stop. The scars are why I stopped, specifically a diagonal one who's angle I find extremely ugly. I've thought about slashing it up with horizontal cuts to cover it up but that would only make it worse. Judging from the timestamp on the photos that was about a year ago. I'm just glad I never slashed my face, I know I was tempted in the bloodlust.

Hi :)
NEET for 10+ here with some time between.
Haven't posted on this board for a few years now… like 6 ?
Wasn't it called something different back then? nvm

I did self harm in my early 20s and still have some scaring on my belly. The sad thruth is that you won't ever get rid of it so you need to include it . Going for a swim is hard and I still try to avoid it wherever I can.
That said if your scars are not on your arms and legs a public display can at least be avoided most of the time.
For me those marks slowly reverted into the background of my daily life. But sometimes they are a reminder how I was back then.
Sometimes I even want to be that person. It is weird but most likely I am just envious of that youthful guy that was so full of life that this yearning was enough to leave these marks on my body. Even though I romanticize that time. . .

The reason I even answer is the second to last sentence of your second post. I resonate with that feeling and action… But mutilation was the wrong approach even if it was impulsive. IT was the only way I could feel anything at this point of my life. Really it is the perception of being worth nothing that leads to this behavior.
You just do it without thinking.

I hope you are at least out of this hole. Rest assured that most of you self worth issues are not your fault but the way we live. People don't know and don't want to know and this can have a result in many ways. One of them is self harm. If you want to have some way of control you need to blend in at some point.
It is a constant struggle and sucks but it needs to be done to survive.

Sorry for my bad english

I have cut my thighs in the past with a razor blade. Recently I have preferred to burn myself with matches, I like that a lot better. It just gives me a rush and I feel a little better, it is a slight compulsion.

>>7307
Thanks for the reply lain. Yeah… if mine haven't faded by now they're probably here for life like you say. I don't care much about strangers seeing them, but around my family I'm always paranoid that my clothes will come up and they'll see and put me in therapy or something. I have nostalgia for times in the past where I know I was just as miserable too. It's weird. Everyone wants to switch their struggles with someone else's, but doing that to myself makes me feel like a goldfish. I'd write a note to my future self, but I'm hoping I won't be in a position to need it by then.

The thing causing it for me isn't so much self worth as despair for the state of my life/future/world/reality. Self worth is mixed in there but it's not a big part. I'm not quite out of the hole yet… and honestly I don't know how I could be, because most of my despair feels completely justified and reasonable. My way of seeing is always developing though, maybe there's something new in the distance that puts all of this in a different light.

>If you want to have some way of control you need to blend in at some point
Could you explain this a bit more?

Another cutter fag here, I used to do it to snap out of depression trance, that state where you can't discern your surroundings. I mostly don't care if people see it because I hardly consider most people people, but it makes me self conscious around the relevant people.
Anyone ever tried something to ease the scars? I read about a silicon gel but the thing is expensive.

Never cut myself on purpose but I would punch and kick things as a habit absent mindedly so much that my skin would break on my shins and knuckles. I have also smashed my head repeatedly against walls as well as punching walls in anger really hard most of the work I have done in my life has been hard labor and lots of alchohol abuse so I have been hit in the head by people and objects many times and I know it has affected my brain not so much physical scars(tho I do have them) but the scars on my brain

I cut very infrequently, but reliably, for years. I always did deep, but relatively small cuts, to maximize pain and blood for minimum scars and visible damage. Sometimes I bled a lot, but I've always had an interest in medicine and first aid, and had stitched some shut in the past. I considered the pain from suturing a bonus.

To this day I can't say for certain why I did it. I think it was in some way because I wanted to be scarred. I wanted to be a mess. I wanted people to look at me and know there was something wrong with the world. Even so, I took care to treat the wounds and limit the scarring. They're scattered around my body and not in any rows or anything like that, and I've always healed really well, so many of them have faded despite being deep. Most of them are now subtle darker spots.

I eventually stopped because I was stupid. I was in a very tumultuous time in my life, and had just dropped out of college to go full NEET. I was very angry at myself. I had just started using a really nice hunting knife to cut, and I wasn't really familiar with it yet. While making a few smaller cuts, I got overzealous, and started to cut my back. A lot bigger and a lot deeper than I intended. I tried to deal with it myself, but it was too big, and too deep, and it being on my back made it very hard to suture, and I was losing way too much blood. After I couldn't stand up to see in the mirror anymore, I eventually gave in and called an ambulance.

My emergency contact proceeded to tell absolutely everybody (cops, family, hospital, friends….) what had happened. I tried to tell the social worker that they sent to evaluate me in the hospital that I didn't mean to hurt myself that badly, and that I wasn't going to do it again, but they told me I was 'unremorseful' and told me to my face that I was lying to them. Then they put me on involuntary medical hold in a facility. Let's just say that staying sane there was much tougher than the healing process.

After that I stopped, because it all felt so stupid and not worth the tribulations. I still get the urge, and have clawed myself a little bit in some more severe moments, but I've never actually cut again. As I said, the urge exists, but I don't miss it, really. Looking back, it feels very pointless. I still can't express that feeling of making other people see me, but I sure couldn't do it with cutting.

I get questions sometimes, mostly while swimming. If it looks like a classic self-harm scar, people know not to ask, but mine looks like someone came at me with a katana, so most people ask. I usually lie, or sometimes just deflect. Deflecting feels better, but they know that you didn't answer their question.

I also dated a girl who cut. She had the classic razorblade lines along the wrists and thighs. She alternated between trying to be proud of them, and liking their aesthetic, to (the somewhat more frequent response) of being really ashamed of them. I told her that it was her business if she did, but I didn't want her to. When she was insecure about it, I told her a scar is just one more landmark on her body for me to remember, but I don't think it made her feel better. I don't think anything I did made her feel better.

I would like to tell people to just live with the scars, and not really be ashamed of them. To look the world in the eye and say "yeah I did some crazy shit, I sure was stupid.". But I sure as hell am not going to do that. I can't expect anyone to do that. But if I could give you the fake advice of an idealized person, I would tell you all to see them as the chapters of your life, like height marks on the wall. They are sad, but they are just you, and life.

I used to cut infrequently, usually during stressful or overly dull moments in my life I guess. nobody except for my boyfriend has ever seen my scars, and the ones I have anyway are close enough to certain places that they just look like stretch marks or whatever. I always thought it'd be tacky or too shameful of me to go the classic arm route, but I used to feel kind of envious of people with visible scars who could "be so open about it" in my head. I've always been too prideful about certain things, maybe cutting was one of those things, or maybe the decision to not cut on my arms was one of those things. it's probably the only thing that's kept me from fucking myself up too badly, or visibly.

>>7342
man, being admitted against my will has always been my worst nightmare and possibly the one other thing that's kept me from doing anything too deep or too near something. like you I always dressed my wounds appropriately, trying to make things heal as best as I could, while also secretly hoping someone would somehow see me as a wreck of a person too or something. it's such a desperate feeling.
I'm sorry you had to spend time under hold though, especially like that. I hope you're doing better, you sound like a nice person. for me the scars if anything just keep me from wearing certain clothes I'd really like to try. I don't know if I'll ever embrace them but who knows, it'd definitely be a lot easier if everyone could.

i've been cutting my back for a few weeks now. sharp blade so i don't have to force it in, just can feel a burn sensation as i forcibly slide it across my back. it feels nice, i like how it looks too. it's one of the only ways i can feel really in control of something in my life.

>>7283
Used to punch myself in the face and head when I was younger, now I just cut occasionally

When I was around 13 and just starting to really ease into my, so far, lasting depression as well as the beginning of my schizoid-ism I felt like my feelings must not have been so bad as others since I never really cut myself or felt a desire to like those I knew in person or heard about online.

I always felt very strange and ostracized compared to other kids. I mean I had the token attributes in the sense that I was bullied and I suppose neurotypical in that sense but even then I kinda felt like these feelings of being different and even to an extent being depressed I had was just an imitation of what I saw in media as the people around me who also had the same titles would do things like cut themselves or hit their heads on the wall, etc, etc while I largely remained overall very apathetic and lacking of any real outward response like that.

I'd like to say that such childhood feelings didn't really affect me much in the long run but I'd be lying if I did. Even now I still heavily struggle with imposter syndrome regarding my feelings and even official diagnosis. I always felt and still feel that in comparison to those around me I don't really react or emote in any way or vent out my frustrations in any way at all besides the occasional blog post like right now.

I wouldn't be lying if I said that I have a slight amount of irrational envy for those who were able to find a form of outlet via a light amount of self harm, even if that's incredibly insensitive and selfish to say or think.

>>7471
I've had the exact same experience.

>>7471
This isnt uncommon, felt this way when I was younger (especially when hearing about people who went through worse shit)

>>7471
Maybe some people might find it insensitive, but I don't. In my case, my cutting was some very strange way of trying to express myself, or perhaps manifest my feelings into some real way. Although I did it many times, I never felt like it really 'worked'. That mysterious feeling I had was never satisfied, and I never really thought it would be satisfied through cutting - I just couldn't think of any other way to try.

We're both trying to find and express some kind of feeling, and match it up and manifest it into the real world. And it's really hard. I wish I could understand myself better and express myself better. Many of our feelings aren't well understood and many of our behaviors are learned rather than intrinsic. And many of us just have missing pieces - or at least missing connections between them.

In my opinion, formed as my own cope for my own problems, if you feel frustrated or envious, it's proof you're feeling something, and proof that there are real feelings and desires conflicting inside you. If you feel that you have something to say, there must be something to say. even if you can't find any way to say it. It might not be anything special, but it's there.

Pic related, my session from a little while ago. Spoilered but nothing that graphic.

I generally use razor blades & cigarettes on my inner arms & thighs. I do it as a form of self loathing & a grounding technique, but the pain is transient these days.

What I really like is feeling dizzy from blood loss - it's like getting high. I don't recommend it though.

Also, if my BPD really latches onto someone I'll do tributes for them too.

How do you guys control how deep you cut? Like, how do you ensure you don't cut your ligaments, or damage your nerves?

>>7486
nice aesthetic desu. when was your last tribute? do you regret tributes after you're over someone?

>>7489
Thanks. My last tribute was a couple months ago (pic related, censored). I did it a few times & they seemed to really enjoy the attention.

After limerence gave way to obsession, things got burnt out as you might expect. I don't regret the tributes even if the endings were bitter.

It's nice to trace the scars & remember the time when all I could focus on was one person, a peaceful mania where self-hatred & ahedonia were silenced by infatuation.

>>7487
You can bend & flex your arms/legs to relax the ligaments, which draws them away from the surface.

I caught my palmaris longus once, which sent a sharp shooting pain up my arm. So if you feel that, stop if you want. It's practically vestigial so it doesn't really matter though.

>>7486
This is nuts, you're insane



Post more

>>7493
why is it always femboy asians that do this (nice stockings)

I cut my arms up really bad in my mid-late teens/early twenties. It's definitely been hard to deal with but you learn to live with it and wonder sometimes why the fuck you did it. The mind adapts.

Also, I'm not sure why you get called a teenage girl when you admit to it when I can provide countless examples of fairly masculine men self-cutting. Seems like posturing to me, especially on these sorts of places.

>>7515
Here you go. Add me if you want, I'm not going to post anything graphic here anyway. Maybe you can be my next obsession. AngelSyrup#4138

>>7517
Thanks ♡

>>7521
I'm not sure - maybe directing anger inwards is perceived as feminine & directing it outwards is seen as masculine.

>>7487
I did cut some. It's taken me a long time to recover, but I have. I don't cut anymore.

Rewriting this because my post was deleted for no given reason.

The only time I "cut" myself was in elementary school. It was game day and being an energetic young boy I was goofing off and talking like I usually do, and the teacher got mad at me again and decided to revoke my participation despite meeting the academic criteria to participate in which it would've been the only chance to play Pokemon with my friends. It doesn't need to be said how upset this made me so when I was put in the room with all the kids who failed to participate I took a pencil and start plowing it across my arms, leaving 5 marks on the left and 3 on the right. When my dad saw it he asked who did it repeatedly until he realized I was telling the truth that I did it to myself, and my parents started yelling at me and threatening to put me on pills which they did later that year for another reason and likely were influenced by what I did to do so.

I also started punching myself in the head 6.5+ years ago and I have to struggle not to do it whenever I'm overcome with self-hatred. I bite myself from time to time too.

bad habit for me was impulsively scratching my face really sharply. would leave deep marks for a while. would do it whenever i was in really awful tension/fear. last time i did it was a couple years ago it left marks for weeks despite my fingernails having been cut prior. i was unsure of what could have happened if they weren't, and i got ridiculed for the marks on my face without anyone knowing how it happened.
something that i have been doing more recently has been refusing to eat for days. it is easy to do for me since i don't like to eat much but it has made me a lot weaker.

>>7486
>What I really like is feeling dizzy from blood loss
by far the best part abt cutting besides the pain and visibility of it all
still glad i stopped tho;; at least for now

i never really cut in any meaningful way, but i did use to bang my head against shit when i was really depressed. i liked the thuddier pain than the sharp from cutting, also im too much of a pussy to actually cut.

>>7471
Your thoughts and feelings aren't invalidated just because they aren't as dramatic as others' nor your feelings unworthy of being expressed or left to be undeveloped, and that emptiness you feel counts as your chagrin, you don't have to lash out for that to be proven. Everyone has an interiority or inner world that shouldn't be denied on account of feeling spoiled or privileged, of which feeling spoiled or privileged is a matter of self-reflection. There is no other person to be but the soul you possess and body you inhabit.

>even if that's incredibly insensitive and selfish to say or think
It's not even if it is about harming your body and the state of mind to do so, everyone wants what the other has. Someone wishes they were as cool-headed as you and you wish you were as expressive or genuine as they. Harming themselves was their choice as well.

I feel the same as you do, and also don't really care for anyone close to me. I'm wearing a cloak to fit in with the mood and spirit of people like this because anywhere else I would stick out so I feel dishonest or unworthy in comparison to things other people went through or did especially if out of their control. But maybe I do have enough emotional strife to have gotten off at this station. Maybe many of the people I met didn't have it that bad or used their circumstances to justify being shitty people, maybe I'm just compensating for my weak pathos.

Sorry in advance if this is stupid or unnecessary.

I just cut myself again. It feels like the right thing to do, punishing someone as inept and disgusting as myself with harm. Although I know ultimately it isn't doing me any favours. I always cut on my thighs, I'm too scared of someone seeing my arms so I don't cut there. I know I can keep my legs hidden. I usually cut with scissors because you need a lot of effort to get good cuts but this time I used a hobby knife, they are surprisingly sharp. I didn't bleed as much as other anons in this thread seem to though.
I also punch myself in the head sometimes, and bruised my hand once from doing it. I don't really enjoy pain, but sometimes it feels like the only way I can deal with my emotions without dumping them on other people.

i still do it frequently :/ i hate how repulsive it makes me look but it feels so good it makes me feel powerful but also punished?? that sounds kinda kinky i dont mean it in that way helppp

>>7883
the venn diagram of people who sh and kinksters is a circle. funny how weird and sad cutting is when youre alone but when someone else does it to you for a sex thing it just becomes weird. is it sh when i ask my gf to fuck me rough and hard while i cry and beg for her to stop? progressive lefties will say that the kink is ok but cutting is bad. i guess the general assumption is that people only cut when theyre depressed but does anyone here do it for fun? its not cutting its knifeplay masturbation lmfao

>>7883
there's people who cut because they want to die. we are NOT the same you fucking underage retard, go get groomed somewhere else

>>7890
anon you dont get it all the cool kids on twitter and tiktok say they cut and call themselves hikkipilled denpa menhera…
Jesus, I thought this place would be unappealing to minors, or at least minors that aren't severely traumatised/mentally ill.

>>7891
nta but if that is true that is some messed up shit.

>>7891
*ARE severely traumatised/mentally ill (typical of me to make such a mistake on a website where you can't edit posts)
point is this isn't a place you'd expect to see normies, let alone underage ones, only minors I imagine would use this place are future wizards

>>7890
>>7891
>>7893
“anyone who doesnt wanna kill themselves as much as i do is a normie minor” i dont think theres a way to make yourself look better than someone else with your suicidal ideation

>>7896
I didn't say that, I'm just saying they seem to be a minor who stumbled here (likely from seeing too many noriko edits on tiktok or some shit, judging by one of their posts) and are fucking around where they don't belong.
They are namefagging and talking like a thirteen year old, not to mention the thread they made ( >>7884 ). Either they are thirteen years old, a troll, or they are an adult hikikomori who still has the mind of a teenager and clearly can't read the room whatsoever. I'm going with Occam's razor here.

>>7891
>>7897
I was here long before I was 18 and I always got the impression that other people were too. Also your "we are not the same" shit is stupid. They weren't claiming to be le tortured soul, self harm just means harming yourself.

>>7898
1. literally the first rule on the rules page is that you have to be an adult
2. this is a forum for NEETs/hikikomori. Not only has the user we are discussing admitted to not being that >>7863 but last I checked in most countries it's illegal to be a NEET when under eighteen.
This is a place for NEETs and hikikomori. It should be common sense that anyone who does not fit this criteria should leave.
Even if you think rules are retarded, people who aren't NEETs should be allowed in a community specifically dedicated to NEETs etc. do you think a minor SHOULD be here? I sure as hell don't want anyone to grow up to be like me. I get the feeling that this minor romanticises this sort of lifestyle and joining in with communities dedicated to it will likely do more harm than good.
Also I'm not even just talking about their one post here, I'm talking about their participation in this community as a whole.

>>7899
I honestly don't agree with most of what your saying, legality doesn't really have bearing on whether a person can be a hikki or not, my school just lied about attendance to keep their stats up when I was that age. But this user obviously isn't a neet or hikki and should hang out on any other board on this site instead of this one.

>>7842
I forgot to mention that the scars lasted for 3 or 4 years.