I'm going full psycho and it feels good tbh fam
I started doing qigong in the mornings and evenings, and doing a simple excercise routine after breakfast. The excercise is little more than stretching, but it takes about an hour and it leaves me quite tired (which is good).
But this whole week I've been slacking, I used to do it daily but this week I only did it one day. I felt physically weak and I started spending my whole day at shitty imageboards. I yet have to retake my routines.
On the other hand, today I made a little Ba Gua circle in my yard with some bricks I had laying around, which makes me happy. Let's see how this works out.
I have a very large room, but for some odd reason I've relocated my mattress into my closet. It's a walk-in closet - small, yet spacious enough to fit a twin-sized mattress while having the door fully open. I feel 'safe' in here. I'm not sure what it is about being in my room or other parts of my house that have made me feel uncomfortable lately, but here I am.
My new medication I've read people describing it giving them more vivid dreams, yet I haven't experienced this. Up until a little over a year ago, I used to have very vivid dreams (had more control over them as well). My sleeping schedule has been all out of sorts since I began trying medications for anxiety and depression again a few months ago. I still try to log my dreams, what little bit I'm able to recall.
I barely talk to my few online friends anymore. I want to create a tulpa, but I currently lack the focus. I feel desperate for some sort of communication within myself. Communicating with other people feels lacking, so the idea of another 'consciousness' existing inside of this body, potentially being able to experience and feel what I am - it brings me comfort.
I took 60mg mirtazapine and 5mg klonopin the other evening. The experience was more annoying than I expected it would be. I was getting constant bright, colorful flashes of imagery from video games I've played and places I've been all the while being unable to stand or walk for a even a moment without collapsing. I slept for about five hours after that. I didn't remember my dreams, nor can I remember much of what I've done since then. All I know is I've barely had anything to eat or drink.
I'm finally seeing a therapist again for the first time in a few years. I think that's in a couple of weeks, I'm not sure, but it's in April at least. I'll need to take enough klonopin beforehand so I don't 'freeze up' due to anxiety. I'm not sure what to expect and I'm not sure what to tell her. Benzos make me cry more often, I've noticed, so maybe 'everything' will come pouring out. I'm curious about what I will say to her.
My desktop computer needs a new motherboard and has needed one for the past three months now, but I've been so apathetic that I can't even get myself to buy the darn thing. I have the funds, I know which model and where exactly to buy it from, yet my PC continues to collect dust while I lay inside of my closet, also collecting dust, talking to the walls and hoping at some point they talk back.
>>2866>I have a very large room, but for some odd reason I've relocated my mattress into my closet. It's a walk-in closet - small, yet spacious enough to fit a twin-sized mattress while having the door fully open. I feel 'safe' in here. I'm not sure what it is about being in my room or other parts of my house that have made me feel uncomfortable lately, but here I am.
sounds cool imo
I sometimes feel like I'm dying inside because my relationships are going away with people that I call friends and the crushing loneliness is devouring me.
I'm working at a Japanese Daiso here in LA and going to my local community college but I feel more and more friendless as the days go on only relying on my immediate family to fill some kind of void. Sometimes I wish I could just fade away to get away from all of this but I still think "I have to go to work today or I wont have money" or "I have to go to school today and study or I wont have good grades" finding it harder and harder to still have those justifications run through my head as the days go on.
Sometimes I just want to shoot my family and then myself because I hate them so much.
I just really wish I could live with my dad so that I can stop living with these people who do nothing but make life harder
What's so bad about you're family? They're good enough to be substitute friends.
im graduat from comunit coleg
now to a real school
My childhood was so abysmal that I never want to experience being less than 20 years old again ever in my life, and I feel like it is a miracle that I am even alive at all these days
To each their own I guess
>back when Spoony actually made content
Ah, good times.
Even in the shittiest of times I could ignore it a lot easier when I was a kid. I can't get absorbed into fiction anymore or write stories like I used to. I feel like most the fun things that made my life worth living back then is gone and I'm left with just the shit.
I always talk about being a cringey weeb when I was 12 because it was fun as hell. I didn't know enough to care about how retarded I was being. I was happy and had friends who were also autistic retards who indulged in the same things I did. I guess in a way I'm trying to relive that or at least trying my best to not give a fuck about being "cringey" and acting on my weird impulses because it makes me happy.
You don't have to be socially inept to enjoy certain things. Acting like a well-adjusted person has nothing to do with your happiness. If you have friends with the same interests as you, indulge in them, maybe even indulge in retardation in private, but keep that shit out of my face. I remember in my freshmen year of high school, everyone had to sit in a big auditorium for the whole day for some reason. Seven hours, everyday, for five days. The first day there was this Indian autist making a big scene because a bunch of other kids were saying he was the brother of some other kid(who was actually completely normal). They said all indians are related or something like that and the autist just got madder and madder. The normal kid really didn't care at all, he wasn't the one being directly bothered, but the autist was shouting his disgusting, trembling, subhuman lungs off. I remember just thinking to myself, why do you have to get so mad over something so stupid? Please shut the fuck up. The only reason why they're bothering you is to get a reaction out of you. Eventually I started hoping the other kids would beat the shit out the autist. I thought it would be extremely entertaining to hear his wails of pain. I started thinking that if I had the chance, if I was in a dark alley way with him and had a gun, I wouldn't hesitate to blow his brains out. Seven. Hours. The next day, in front of where I was sitting, there was a group of five kids. Every single one of them was unbearably obnoxious. The girl in the group was short, scrawny, and had dyed hair in a lesbo cut. She wouldn't shut up about how she could beat anyone in a fight using, "pressure points". To prove it she kept getting into other kids personal space and seeing that sight made me want to pour boiling water onto screeching cats. They were so loud, so horribly loud and shrill. They talked about anime and video games and I knew about everything they talked about, but they were so annoying about it. The other three days played out pretty much the same way as the second. Those five days left deep, inflated, pulsating imprints in my brain. If you tried to stick your arm into those imprints, they wouldn't be able to reach the bottom. In fifth grade I used to have a friend named Adam. We were both into anime and stuff like that so we hit it off. Both of us were very, "cringey". He also said he could take anybody out using, "pressure points", and that he read about it online. No training, no nothing(pressure points are pretty much just a way for some one to say they could beat anybody up without having to work at all to earn it). We grew distant after a while. While I changed, he stayed the same. Actually, he got worse. He legitimately started wearing fedoras and trench coats in school. We were in the same tour group when seeing the high school for the first time(at this point we pretty much stopped talking to each other). I remember him saying to somebody else in the group, that he wished they taught Japanese in the school. I wasn't the brooding, edgy type. I didn't wear all black(in fact I wore quit preppy clothes) and I didn't come off as very violent to other people, but I wanted to pull out his intestines when he said that. The point is, it's important to be courteous to others and act decently in public.
That's not really what I meant by it. I meant it more as not giving up that childhood mindset. I'm not gonna parade my autism around others but in my own time I should do what makes me happy which is specifically going full obsession in private. Indulge in all the weird imaginary ideas and scenes I can think up.
When I got in my first relationship everything changed because I had things outside my mind and media I was consuming to make me happy so I kinda gave up on my own imagination. It really made me lose a lot of it because I lost that childlike spark.
It's pretty sad that you gave up your imagination and appreciation for fiction just because you didn't need them anymore to occupy your attention. It's like the only reason why you indulged in those things in the first place is because you had no other alternative. Now you realize that what you gave up was far more valuable that anything petty, fleeting relationships could ever give. Try waking up really early in the morning and taking a long walk outside. Maybe sit under a park tree and just think to yourself for hours on end. Lay in bed at night and contemplate about yourself, the connections between the people you know and how everything fits together and came to be. The more you just think in isolation, the more imaginative you become.
>>2895>Japanese Daiso here in LA
If you mean Los Angeles, I also live in the area. I wonder if meeting up would even be worth it, to actually know that other people out there on this smaller board physically exist.
On the internet, nobody knows you're a dog kind of thing. I am lonely, but I am not sure if I honestly don't want to be.
Wow what an edgelord. People shouldn't have to change who they are simply to make you feel comfortable.
So you're saying that if some guy just liked spitting on the floor and screaming at the top of their lungs that shouldn't bother me. What if I like cutting lines? Why should I have to change myself to make other people comfortable? I guess it's okay to blast music during an early morning subway ride because that's just who I am! You probably get annoyed with people all the time. Everybody does. There's such a thing as common courtesy and manners. Sperging out in public is extremely impolite. How would you like you like to be locked in a room for seven hours with a screaming autist or maybe some sweaty guys in fursuits assfucking?
Getting annoyed with people who lack tact and literally wishing to impose physical harm upon them are two entirely different things.
In what way are you going crazy? I feel the same way. More and more I feel like I'm just different from other people. The way I think and others just seems completely different. I see myself retreating deep within myself and forgetting the proper ways to communicate with people, but honestly I don't care because I don't give a fuck about what other people are talking about usually.
If I don't get a job by June my dad said he'll force me into the military (which he can't actually do but whatever). The last thing I want is to go to the military. Hopefully I can find a job for once and not have him sabotage me getting it.
If I don't I guess I'll try and move in with a friend or go back and see my mom who I despise.
Man all of this sudden pessimism seems uncalled for.>>2956
Japanese people are notoriously xenophobic. Is why they're more immune to affects of globalism. Finding a good job there and being respected by the majority of people is nigh impossible for somebody who isn't Japanese. Being a wage slave does suck, but there other jobs available to people with enough education which you could get more of. >>2957
Well, if you're living under his roof and are older than eighteen, by, "force", he probably means threatening to kick you out, which he can do. Why would your dad sabotage your job finding efforts and why do you despise your mom?
He said he wouldn't pay for a bus ticket or anything if I wanted to leave and would make me sign up. One time I got a job on the spot but it was in a place he didn't like driving to and I couldn't walk to it so he not only led the manager of the place on and told me to "try it out anyway" but then made just not show up to orientation when I was already hired. So the poor guy had to rehire someone instead of training two people at the same time like he planned.
My mom let my sister who has tried to kill me back into our house after I told her not to and that she hadn't changed. She was pregnant and had a kid while she lived with us. She was crazy, she threatens my mom, threatened me, freaked out over tiny things. She was a bitch and I hate her. She did even worse things to my older brother when he was growing up. And my mom let her back in. Not only that she lost her job (which I don't blame her for) but then used up all the savings on cigarettes and weed, tried to live off food stamps my sister got that only I, my sister and her baby were under even though we had two other mouths to fee. Could barely afford the electricity or water bills but still always found time to buy smokes and weed. She smoked more weed than me at some points and it was embarrassing and pissed me off. She even out right told me that she never even considered my opinion when she originally asked me if my sister could live with us again.
She's not a bad person just kind of stupid and irresponsible. She's actually really nice but too nice to a fault. I used to really love her growing up but after the years i lived with her last I lost all respect for her and realized how shitty she was as a parent. Sure she loved me but she didn't even teach me basic hygiene or ever care about whether I did good in school. My life would have been very different if she actually cared about my grades and pushed me.
the other person I could live with is my brother but he lives like he's in a garbage can. Doesn't clean and has been an asshole to me multiple times in the past. Even when I was honest with him it backfired.
Wow, how shitty. How'd your sister try to kill you and what sort of things did she do to your brother?
Was your sister just always like that, or do you think something caused her to change for the worse?
Man you should have known that Japs, Gooks, and Chinks are known to be generally workaholics. You should have known that before you moved there expecting to work. Atleast you experience something not many of us will ever accomplish. You should try learning more Japanese and start a teaching career or something since it would be a waste not to use that.
I am no longer a hikki because I started working today.
She would torment me since I was a very young child. She was always fucked in the head and made even worse by our grandmother spoiling her. She'd tickle me with really long fake nails to the point where i'd be screaming in pain telling her to let go of me. I was probably 7-10 years old. She did it a lot and I loath any for of tickling now and get kinda violent if someone tries it and doesn't stop. The main thing I remember is how she was smothering me with a pillow one day. I was probably only 5. I said she was trying to kill me but I don't think she had intent to kill. I think she wanted to torment me and make me fear being killed. I blocked it out of my mind but had a nightmare and was suddenly reminded of it a year or so later.
I don't know many details about my brother (who's a few years older than me and our sister 6-8 years older than us) but my mother told me about how when he was a baby still in a crib she was caught picking him up and slamming him down. Over and over until our mother walked in. She also would cut open frogs and other animals while they were alive and try and sew them back together after taking out an organ.
She's fucked and now has kids. I feel so sorry for them.
Does anybody know who the father is, or does your sister sleep around a lot? Are a lot of the people where you live like your family?
I'm slowly realizing that I'm so fucking weird when it comes morals and values. Because I come from a broken home, I value family more than anything else. Family has become so important that I see my behaviors changing. I for example, really wanted to find a girl and just fuck for a while. I even bought some condoms and practiced putting them on, but now, I realized I can't do it. I just can't risk it. I'm not a prude, I think jacking off and fucking is normal but the idea of sleeping around with random women or even just having sex with someone I don't plan to have a family with seems so wrong. And yet, that's what the rest of the world seems to be doing, mindlessly fucking and not really caring. I can't seem to find anyone with my sense of family values, it really is about doing whatever you want nowadays.
At this rate, I would (and likely will) buy a sex toy before I do something so horrible like create a broken home or dysfunctional family like I was raised with. My kids deserve better.
I've also been trying to get people to share their stories about being raised by single mothers or otherwise bad parents so I can collect them and make people aware of the issues that come from single motherhood and similar situations but it seems like people at least on chan sites aren't interested in recording themselves and ranting/storytelling about their experiences. I feel like if my mother knew the pain she would have caused by choosing to be a single mother beforehand, she would have found someone who would be willing to stay with us. I could have posted these tales on YouTube and gotten plenty of eyes and ears on the hurt and pain people often cause for their kids.
Maybe I could save some other kids too from that life. Maybe I should be more vocal about my beliefs, maybe some women will notice me.
One was some guy 5 years younger than her and they're still friends but she had to move away from him when she moved in with us. The second kid is som drug dealers baby so shes never letting the guy see the kid or something. She doesn't care for the baby herself anyway and forces it on our mom.
I moved to a richer area way before any of this happened, so no not really.
I'm from a broken home and family became so important for me I developed an incest fetish.
Congrats and good luck.>>2977>family became so important for me I developed an incest fetish.
Oh. That explains a lot.
I laughed a little unless you didn't mean that as a joke or mocking me. But as the other Anon said, kinda explains the fetish.
Unfortunately it's not a joke but it should be. It all kind of happened as an accident, actually. I randomly called a friend my brother and then got a crush on him and the rest was history. I don't find the guy romantically attractive at all anymore either but it sure did make me have a huge fetish and want an older brother figure to be romantically involved with real bad.
I've since grown kinda distant from the whole thing. I'm with someone who I can openly express the fetish to and also has it but I rarely do anything like that anymore.
I was raised by a single mother and I much preferred how things were before she married my now-stepdad. It's less about a "broken" family and more about how a child is raised. Just slamming a nuclear family together doesn't magically create excellent parents.
I'm aware that just because two people have kids and stay together, doesn't automatically make them good parents. My mom while well meaning, was and still is a shit parent but I feel that her having a partner to push her a little would have helped her. But then again, she had both her parents backing her up raising me and she still is this anti-social robot mom with no bf. And I know most of my resentment with her choosing to be a single mom was knowing that she had her father, so why couldn't she pick someone who would have stayed and been my real father?
And also, despite being really big on family and family values, I actually dislike the concept of the nuclear family. I was raised in an extended family with uncles and aunts as well as my grandparents along with my brothers. I think the multigenerational family unit is superior to the nuclear family unit, but even a nuclear family is better than a single parent household. And hopefully your mother was better than mine, but I can never consider the standard single parent as good by any measure.
This is my first time posting here but I thought I'd give it a try.
I live with my significant other and we happen to temporarily live at his parents right now. He has a job and financially takes care of me. He doesn't mind, and I wasn't neet/hikki when we first met 4,5 years ago.
I absolutely despise his family and refuse coming out of our bedroom without him as a chitchat buffer. Only when I'm 100% home alone I feel truly comfortable. His parents judge me hard for being like this but they are a part of what made me this way.
I cook and clean and do his laundry and iron his shirts etc, as long as I can do it with him being in the same room or no one else being home. Lately I've been starting to cook 15 minutes before he comes home, risking interaction with his family so I guess you could call that an improvement.
I leave the house maybe once a week because I do still enjoy doing things outside the house like going to restaurants or going out drinking. But if I'm left alone I start freaking out, crying, unable to breathe etc.
Last few times I was left alone outside I was almost robbed, someone tried to take my phone out of my hands, and another time in a bar I was drugged and passed out in the bathroom there, wasn't found for about 45 minutes.
I don't speak to my own family anymore and have left behind all of my irl friends, except I talk to them online on a rare occasion. I have some solid online friends though who I've recently met for the first time irl.
The free time is good and I'm never really bored having a decent pc and a Netflix account lol. Can sleep as much as I want. I think I can improve once we move out of here which is hopefully soon. I still don't aim for being anything more than a housewife though.
My significant other is quite similar to me. He lives like this with me, just us in a bedroom against the world, except he has a job and isn't socially retarded. We spend all of our time besides his work together and it's actually really nice. I'd be doing the exact same stuff if I were on my own I'm just doing it with someone else in the room. Our room is literally just a double bed, 2 pcs, 5 monitors and a whole lot of empty rum bottles and pizza boxes.
At least I'm not lonely.
Sorry if this was lengthy but it was nice to put it into perspective for myself.
If it weren't for the parents that'd sound pretty nice. You should look into getting pepper spray or something similar(tazer) or go sign up for self defense classes though.
Hopefully you get out of there soon. Does he know how much you hate being around his family? You should open up to him about if not, it might push him to move out sooner.
He's very much aware of my hate towards them. They were always very nice to me and I liked them at first.
At one point a year or two ago they went full rage against me out of nowhere, telling me how worthless I was and how they despise me for everything I am. This was actual screaming for a solid 30 minutes. I was kind of emotionless about it at the time, but he took it as a massive insult and has never forgiven it fully. We lived somewhere else at that point and cut all contact with them for half a year, leaving their texts on read and hanging up the phone without saying a word, refusing to acknowledge holidays or birthdays.
Then they came crying to us about how sorry they were and that they'll just accept me because their son matters more to them than their disagreement with the choices (dating me) he has made. The main reason we agreed to be in contact with them again is the fact they offered money along with their apology.
The next time we saw them they acted like nothing had ever happened, like before, when I still liked them. I've completely lost trust in people because of it over the long run. I know they hate me. And I hate them too. But they like to pretend nothing ever happened and as if they're actually interested in me.
I don't want any of that interest, there's mutual hate and I'm not gonna pretend that there isn't. You don't care how my day was you're just trying to be polite for the sake of keeping peace with your son. I refuse to deal with these people one on one.
As for the pepper spray etc, I don't think it's even legal to carry something like that around here. I used to do kickboxing and I'm fairly strong and able to defend myself, but it's not the fear of people doing something to me being alone outside. I just refuse to be around anyone who is potentially threatening while alone. Knowing self defense or carrying around weapons isn't going to make me more comfortable. I can likely deal with a lot of things but I just don't want to be put into that kind of situation in the first place.
Sorry, another lengthy post haha.
Different anon, but that does sound pretty horrible. They sound pretty shitty if they are going to sit there and yell at you and telling you that you are "worthless". It'd be one thing if you actually did horrible things but that's terrible to hear. I like that their son's happiness matters enough to accept you, but that could have been done without being abusive to you. Like, they could have politely expressed their disagreements with whatever they had with you, like adults should do.
Just really sad to hear about a new member of a family be treated like that.>>2982
I forgot to reply to you, sorry. That's so bizarrely interesting. While I don't have an incest fetish, I can understand how some people can get off to it, there's just something about motherly type femdom for me, but I guess it's a coping thing since my mother wasn't that great of a mom.
They need a swift kick to the nuts.
I can empathize with the shitty family part except in this case it is my own family.(who are also largely responsible for keeping me stuck in this cycle) But.. i just have to say one thing. Be glad you have such a dependable and accepting partner and just make sure you cherish him like you've never cherished anything else before for you are lucky in that regard at least, I would kill for a good friend, lover, mentor, anyone really that would be able to give me some help, take me in, and legitimately care about me. So i urge you to think of the one good thing you have right there when your tormentors get you down and please make sure to cherish him for your own sake and the sake of all of those like me who thought they had found a light at the end of the tunnel but then were let down and abandoned but still desperately hoping to somehow still be saved from their pathetic overgrown mess of a broken existence.
>>2976>She doesn't care for the baby herself anyway and forces it on our mom.
This reminds me of my cousin:
>hardcore stoner guy with 3 kids>meets a girl with another 2>have another after they hook up>neither of them work, living off my aunt>late 2013, marijuana is legalized in Colorado>cousin suddenly decides he wants to start a business in Denver, despite living several states away>dude road trip lmao>leave newborn with aunt and take off>gets there, no money, no connections>something like 5 days go by>realizes he doesn't have a business yet>leaves>"It just wasn't the right town for my industry lol."
Last I heard he got a job after that, but all this happened over 3 years ago so I have no idea what he's doing now.
I can't think straight anymore - if I see a family or a mother/father - son/daughter interacting with one another I get mad which occupies my mind for the rest of the day.
It is so fucking weird to have both parents that are married to someone else.
At this point I just want to hit that imaginary reset button hoping that it'll actually reset my life, you know?
I'm in a residential treatment center. I'm fucking terrified of getting a job now that I'm at that point in the program. I'm scared.
I have been able to hold that job I got last month, but everybody thinks I am weird as hell and mentally ill.
it's OK, the people who have are be say anything what like that about then someone whois donot matter, itis real
I dropped down to 157 lbs and built myself up, mostly with PT. I moved out of my parents and am living on a coach I have to turn away from the window in the one-bedroom I'm sharing with some dim redneck so as not to get woken up by the sun. I've been working fucking 60 hours a week flipping burgers in a gas station, but well, we serve mostly car guys. Salesmen, techs, etc. And I've realized that honestly, if I don't give a shit, which I don't, mercifully, most of the time, I'm PRETTY GOOD at being charismatic with random people. Goddamn shame about my parents rendering me a NEET the first 19 years of my life, but oh well. Anyway, put in two weeks, gonna skirt by on what I've made the last couple months while finishing getting my driver's license, then try and get a job selling cars. Barring that, still going in the navy, probably as an MC. I'm fine with sitting on it if it isn't available, fuck being an engineer who works 12 hours a day at things I scarcely care about, fuck being a nuke.
The other day I hit on the cute girl at subway.
"So I'm working 60 a week at something damn similar to that. And I go to work and I come back and go to sleep. You know what would help that I bet?"
"Someone cute to talk to."
Stammering and embarrassment on her part for 2 minutes I swear. Had a boyfriend, but I got the impression she found me cute. It' something I guess. Or maybe not, but oh well.
I probably sound like a fucking chad so far, but to be fair I still don't have many real friends or anything. I've just realized people are basically animals that care mostly about shows of dominance by way of confidence because they're a social species. That isn't even a negative fact, necessarily. Being bitter at people just makes it worse. Just not giving a shit and pretending to be confident seems to work, at the very least up until people actually know you.
My first love and my second were both neurotic black holes as humans, the first by way of sheer ambivalent psychopathy and the second by way of being fucking broken, and I don't really have a strong feeling I'll actually find anyone to relate to, but in a way, just failing to give a shit anymore is having good effects.
i've been depressed the past 2 months bc i realized how unhappy and unpopular i've become for the past 2 yrs but i'm trying to lose weight bc i feel like it'll help
i still have my best friend though and shes great company :)
I don't know what's the best way to say this but essentially me and my mother are fucked. I live with her, she's a single mom, she gives me everything - shelter, food, internet -, and she is working hard 24/7 to make money. But recently I found out she is very heavily in debt. She told me it's some 6K USD but knowing her it could very well be more. Taxes, rent, electricity bills, you name it. She is a real estate broker, there's no fix pay and how many deals she gets depends a lot on market conditions, so right now she's not making any money either. The worst part about all of this is she has been getting eviction notices because of unpaid bills. There's a currently ongoing court suit that could get me and her both homeless. It will very likely happen. And there isn't anything I can do about it. Of course I already started looking for a min wage job, but it would take two years worth of salaries to pay all those debts, and that's assuming it's only 6K and I spend no money on current bills, on food, internet etc. I'm very much seriously considering suicide for the 7th or so time in my life. I don't know how it's going to be like being homeless with my mother. Everyday I woke up I would carry on as normal, taking things like the bed I sleep on, the internet I use, the water I drink, as things that were just part of my life, and despising my mother in a very teen age way, getting into ferocious arguments for no good reason and so on. Now the hole is about to get a lot more deeper. The funny thing is she's carrying on as normal. She is very optimistic as always. I'm not completely insane either. I think I feel that way since it's just something I have no power on. I don't know where I'm going with this anymore so I'll just end this rant right here.
I've probably left the house a dozen times in the last five years. Once you stay enclosed for that length of time the outside world tends to morph into something quite surreal and even dreamlike. I spend the vast majority of my time tethered to the PC, usually reading or chatting with the handful of online friends I somehow managed to scrape together. I used to play a lot of video games, but now as I've grown older and my circle of friends continues to diminish it has become less and less appealing.
The days drift by and blur together, with no real end in sight. I often wonder what will become of me when my mother eventually dies and I finally experience what it is like to truly be alone. I'm sure that by that point, after having not worked for several decades, I'll find myself wrestling both homelessness and suicide. I have no ambition, and no real desire to change my position in life. While I can't say that I am happy, perhaps not even content, I am at least somewhat comfortable. My country's welfare system is kind to me, and so long as it continues to pay me $15,000 a year of disposable income I doubt anything will change. That's not to say it enables me, it just removes the only possible thing that would force me into that hellish existence: poverty and starvation.
I have to say it's strange to so readily accept a life of loneliness and ostracization, especially when it's destined to end so badly. I don't really know why this is. Perhaps it's my ever precarious mental health, or maybe because I gain some perverse pleasure from my abdication. I can't say that I feel much envy towards those who spend their life working, though I can't really say I feel much at all anymore. I often wonder if I'd cope easier in a prison than I would at a workplace. Maybe in time I will find out.
I'm always surprised to see the positive messages in places like these. While I have respect and admiration towards those who find the strength and resolve to conquer their difficulties, I find the desire so foreign; it's disconcerting to know that I even struggle to relate to those in similar circumstances. Maybe I just have it too good right now, but I still can't envision a situation in which spending half of my life working and studying is desirable. Perhaps I just lack the desires and drives that most people have, or maybe I've just realised that for me it's easier to learn not to want something than it is to actually attain it.
Either way my future is a slow ride downhill, until I reach an inevitable cliff-edge of bereavement where I'll find myself faced with some very hard choices. I try not to worry too much though. In light of the realisation that I will never lead a prosperous or fulfilling life I find it important to enjoy what little comfort and pleasure I have. After all, to ruminate constantly on my future would be paralysing. Until the so-called "judgement day" comes I will continue to sit here drinking and smoking, enjoying every last second of it. Each to their own, I guess.
I'm 24 and I just graduated with my bachelor's degree. I screwed around a lot early on, drinking, playing video games, skipping classes and failing them, skipping classes and dropping them, so all in all it ended up taking me about 6 years to graduate. Now I have my degree and I'm working as a minimum wage job. I don't mind it, I never expected to get a job out of college related to what I studied, but I can't say it isn't somewhat somewhat disheartening. My teachers recommended I go to graduate school, but even if I wanted to go, which I'm not sure about, I would not want to immediately throw myself into school again. I made almost no connections with fellow students in school because I rarely left my dorm room (luckily I had a single room the whole time) unless it was to attend class.
I'm currently living with my mom and stepdad but I am moving into my own apartment this month. I'm looking forward to finally being completely alone; even though I like my mom she has a tendency to try to micromanage every aspect of my life often in very misguided ways–the exact opposite of my fairly apathetic dad. I get along with both of my parents though for the most part. I will probably have to pick up another job to make rent and pay bills, although I have managed to save up a lot of money because I have no social life and thus never go out, never go to bars, rarely eat out, etc. I would really like to get a job at a bookstore or something.
I used to have a lot of suicidal obsessions and would dwell on suicide every single day, even when I was on SSRIs (which is one reason I ceased taking them), but this has abated recently. I still think about suicide every day but with less frequency and less obsessively. I'm not sure why as I am still just as lonely as I have ever been, perhaps more so since I moved away from the only "real life" friend I had, and my life feels just as aimless and meaningless. I suppose it's because I am now working more and worrying about more tangible things and thus have less time to dwell on the things happening inside my own mind. Life really is just about constantly trying to distract yourself from the miserable state of things.
I have acquaintances at work who I can carry out small talk with but none of them feel like people I could be friends with. I'm too particular and I guess what could be called elitist (although I really just like what I like) so even when conversations about topics I'm interested in like books, movies or games come up I find myself unable to contribute much. Overall I guess I'm fine.
>>3138>mother kills herself inside to give the one thing she loves most of all a chance at life, her son>son wants to throw it back in her face and commit suicide
I hope you one day realize that healing is possible. I think you should give your mom a hug.
Seems to work better if you call them rather than waiting on them to call you.
This. I found I got more interviews when I called back, or wrote interview follow-up emails, etc. whatever would make the managers think, "Okay, I get it, he wants to work here."
There's a difference between attempting suicide and thinking about it.
I've also noticed myself going back to a magical view of the world with spirits trying to fuck with me and stuff like that like I had when I was younger.
I have to stay on top of being aware so I don't regress into a paranoia like I used to have
The years of NEETdom are blending together. It seems like as time goes by, my life becomes less and less eventful, less and less stimulating. Like a rocket heading out to space, pieces are falling away and fading into the atmosphere, and just an empty void is in front of me. Back when I was in college life was hell, but it was an interesting, challenging hell with sparkles of hope amidst the constant stress and worry. When I got out, I spent lots of time on various chan boards, got really invested in things like Yume Nikki, music and anime I was into, and lots of other fun stuff. It was scary being a NEET but the internet was exciting too.
Over time, my passions died out. I spent less and less time on each of those things that interested me, and instead replaced it with video games. Not like, interesting video games, but junk food video games. Games I binge for hundreds of hours and feel no satisfaction for. But every morning I wake up, my body just autonomously gravitates toward them again and again. And that's all I do. I used to have a wonderful internet friend from back in the *chan days that every day would wake me from my game coma, but three months ago they gave a simple "goodbye" and disappeared
That's where I'm at now. I'm finally too bored with my junk food games to play them right now and am instead visiting uboachan again, something I haven't really done in a couple years. I know I need something to push or challenge me, because left to my own devices I won't make a change. Really, my life isn't bad. My parents are still here, taking care of me. It's just boring is all. Someone come smash my PC with a hammer and give me a reason to move please.
Was with a woman today for the first time in five years. It was nice other than us having to finish out time together abruptly.
It's really not the same with someone when the both of you aren't in love.
Real relationships take longer to build and are much more difficult work but they're so much better.
I feel really alone right now.
It's been about 7 years for me, but I literally refuse to sleep with someone who I'm not in love with.
I think I need to feel like I'm waiting for The One to keep me going.
I want to find the one for me but things seem so much more complicated than I once thought they were.
If I want to find “the one” or a “one” it seems like I’m really going to have to throw myself out there and perhaps get my heart broken a bunch of times. I probably have a lot I need to work on for myself but I wonder if I’ll ever actually make it.
I turned 27 recently and I wish I was ten years younger and hadn't wasted all this time by myself because it seems the more time I spend like this the more difficult it is to get out.
No idea how to proceed right now.
Feeling more shaken now than I was feeling yesterday.
You've fallen into the entertainment trap.
Media will always, at some point, stop being entertaining. You can lose interest in all your activities, no matter how much you enjoyed them in the past. There's no point seeking entertainment, no point craving it and clinging to it. I, you, and I would make an educated guess that many NEETs with these hobbies fall into this trap. Those junk-food games and trying to rekindle old passions for things is just scraping the bottom of the barrel, trying to get your next fix, and it almost always turns out to be mediocre and unsatisfactory.
See boredom as freedom. Stop seeking entertainment, and just sit there. Watch your breathing. Let go of the future, and the past. Do some exercise. Meditate. Seriously, it's the best thing you can do. Go for a walk. Just walk out that door and wander the streets, without aim or purpose, like you're in your own YN game. Lift left leg, lower left leg. Lift right leg, lower right leg. Appreciate the peacefulness and freedom. Learn to be content in the present, because it's the only moment you'll ever experience.
Once you stop craving and seeking entertainment, you'll find that you're able to enjoy it once again.
Absolutely right. Nothing really entertains me these past few years. Every time I jump onto a new thing, I quickly grew tired of it knowing that its another pointless activity. This is why my only form of entertainment these days is tying a rope over my neck and choking myself while masturbating.
That's actually really motivating! I want to save your post and keep it as a reminder or something. There have been a couple instances where I pushed myself out the door and went for a walk around my neighborhood. It's pretty nice. I wish there was more to explore than endless suburbs here, but I do appreciate the time away from distractions.
Doesn't matter if it's suburbs, anything's good. You learn to appreciate even the smallest things. There's lots of neat little dead-end streets around where I live, as well as lots of birds and insects. Cats, too. Sometimes you find a cat that doesn't run away from you but instead comes running up to you and basically throws itself at your feet for pats. That's always nice. If they run away, that's cool too. Sometimes you meet friendly old people out for a stroll. It's fun to see how those familiar streets change at different times of day and with different seasons, too. Everything's an opportunity for appreciation and an insight into how you personally choose to experience things.
If this stuff appeals to you, I recommend checking out Taoism and Zen. I found this book to have nice, brief but detailed summaries of each in a relaxed and easy to read manner. There's a PDF on google. I'm not sure how accessible it would be to a complete beginner, but it did seem to be fairly accessible. If you're very deeply entrenched in the Western ways of thinking we're often brought up in, it may seem confusing or even pretentious, but that's ok. Just try to keep yourself open.
You should get plastered and smash it yourself.>>3263>>3264
Love is fake. It's just a chemical in your brain This applies to all emotions, but love is the only one that drains so much from a person. Happiness is enjoyable, love is a pain in your ass that fades with time and leaves you with an anorexic wallet and a deep sense of regret. There is no, "the one". This isn't the matrix, there is no special person out there made just for you. There's seven billion people on earth and at least a handful are people who you're compatible with enough to slap genitals together with. This is probably really easy for me to say because I have never felt love before. Never. Lust, definitely, infatuation, maybe, love, no. Sometimes, I'm not even convinced that love is a real thing. When I think about it, I can feel what love would be like hypothetically, but it's more directed towards the idea of somebody I would love than to anything more tangible than that. Don't waste your time on it, indulge your body in pleasure. Don't be a faggot purist. There's nothing to stop your love from being a cheat or adulterer.
Love is a very loosely-used word. For some, the lust and infatuation you mentioned are considered love. The word "love" can also apply to for example: loving a best friend, a parent loving their child, loving a pet, loving an ideal or concept, the love of somebody trying to help another out of empathy or sympathy, teenage "love" (that weird chemical kind where your mind just decides you're attracted to that person you've never spoken to who isn't even that physically attractive).
Love is just a word. But through how it's used in media, we come to believe it's some special bond. That love is a -thing- and not a -word-. That's where the confusion arises. If people are looking for somebody to spend their time with, I believe it's best to do away with the "love delusion" and instead just pay attention to those whose personality traits are the traits that you find pleasant. Also, their interests. The idea of romantic love is still not very sound with how subject to change a "self" is, though. You cannot romantically love a person for what they "are" because that "are" is always changing, and could in most cases quite easily become something you find repulsive, let alone what you yourself are searching for changing.
In short, it's best to just be around people you are happy to be around, without clinging to them or seeking anything further. The search or longing for a romantic partner is futile and distracts you from the happiness you could find in the present.
That's exactly what I was saying.>If people are looking for somebody to spend their time with, I believe it's best to do away with the "love delusion" and instead just pay attention to those whose personality traits are the traits that you find pleasant.>There's seven billion people on earth and at least a handful are people who you're compatible with enough to slap genitals together with.>The search or longing for a romantic partner is futile and distracts you from the happiness you could find in the present.>Don't waste your time on it, indulge your body in pleasure. Don't be a faggot purist.>>3271
You've been reading too much Freud. I genuinely am not sure if love in the, "traditional", sense is a real thing or not. It seems like some sort of made up concept that women confuse for lust and men just play along with. The, "love", a parent has for their child is really just affection, which everyone knows is different from, "love, love", or, "like, like". It is also an objective fact that love is not some sort of force that exists in the universe so in that way it is pretty much fake despite what the movies say. If you look up what love is, the definition includes the word love. That's really all the proof you need.
My folks got married a month after they started dating and have stayed together for decades, they’re not so happy together and they still insist on staying with each other. It’s gotten better over the past few months but I can’t imagine staying with someone who made me miserable for years on end.
I guess the shit called “love” that media and marketing push is just a tool mostly to sell shit. I guess it’s just another bullshit quick-fixit-all solution that doesn’t work and can make you end up in a situation like my folks.
It seems like it’s an action or a skill that needs to be learned like everything else. Being open to new experiences and people, learning what you like and can't stand, taking rejection, letting go when it bites you in the ass, and in general not acting like a cyborg-NEET.
It was jarring when I started to realize this six years ago when I left the cult that drilled the idea that their version of marriage was somehow more holy than anyone else's and was the only way to be happy.
The tism makes change difficult but I guess I better get used to it sooner rather than later.
I don't think I'll go back to that lady again, I think I'd be happier just hanging around others and stuff. I miss the community that the cult had and maybe I should be looking for the community without the weird shit.
>>3272>My baseless assumptions are proof
I'm sorry no one ever loved you anon.
Love is mistakenly seen as a way towards happiness. Because of this, people seek love. Meaning they crave it, they feel lacking without it and when they find it they cling to it. But clinging to the impermanent and transitory will eventually result in dissatisfaction, disappointment, suffering.
Love without clinging is much more fruitful. But many people are so immersed in craving in so many aspects of their lives that this is quite rare. I'm having trouble considering a "romantic" love that doesn't include clinging or craving of some kind. It seems to be a required element of it. Perhaps that's just from the way the term is used, though. Words and concepts can be awfully unreliable.
Happiness and contentment are what must be "learned". Though it's more like rediscovering them by understanding what's making you unhappy and then untangling yourself from it. At that stage, appreciation, compassion and kindness towards things just seem to well up on their own, and you can "love" things without any kind of investment or attachment. It just kind of flows forth from you, and you're no longer seeking to take anything from the world.
>>3285>too old to employ
Do we have posters here in their 60s??? Got damn
You're just afraid of the truth. Anyone can just call something a baseless assumption. I could say that gravity is a baseless assumption. Maybe objects just secretly want to go down? >>3275
Nobody has yet to actually define what love is. You did explain why even if it did exist it's not worth much though.
>>3288>Nobody has yet to actually define what love is.
What do you mean? It has already been explained in what ways the word love is used.
>>3288>Anyone can just call something a baseless assumption. I could say that gravity is a baseless assumption. Maybe objects just secretly want to go down?
But gravity isn't baseless, there's a whole demonstration about how mass distorts space and causes a vector field that accelerates objects onto each other and is inversely proportional to the square of the distance between the masses (which also implies that objects "don't want to go down" simply because there is no "down", both masses attract each other). Reasoning? Straight facts proved both empirically and theoretically. That, my friend, is called a base, whether this assumption is real or not is another fact.
I don't know if love is real or not, but I do know that comparing objective facts with delusions and subjective wordings such as "love" doesn't work, and the reason this whole discussion is pointless.
I can drop you a dozen sources from different academia and scientific research proving gravity exists, don't make me do it, that is different from you pretending your opinions on the internet are fact.
Whether or not gravity is a baseless assumption or not is besides the point. The point I was trying to make is that anybody can simply say that something is baseless. The base for gravity is all of the empirical data backing up it's existence and the base for my, "assumption", is the complete lack of evidence backing up love's existence and my personal observations. So no, it not any more of just an, "opinion", than gravity is. This discussion is also not pointless because I am trying to convince people that they shouldn't inhibit their ability to enjoy them self in the pursuit of something that I believe does not exist. Why is it that people constantly get hung up on how something is said? Pay attention to the what, not the how. A lack of tact should do and does nothing to discredit me. Also, I looked it up and couldn't find any connection between proylene and human emotions.
>>3293>Whether or not gravity is a baseless assumption or not is besides the point
Read my post again, your argument was "Since you can say anything can be baseless your argument is invalid" and then proceeded to give an example of a thesis that not only had a base but also is explainable since it's an objective fact
that can be measured and verified, and not a subjective stupidity such as what love is or isn't (and that being the main reason it can't be defined). That is my point, not whether gravity can be verified or not.
You dismiss the other faggot's opinion because it is an opinion, while it's just as valid (or baseless, if you prefer) as yours because neither can be proved by anything anyone says, hence why the whole thing is stupidly pointless. You may change somebody's idea of love, but you won't change this faggot's idea of love, and he won't change yours either.
>The base for gravity is all of the empirical data backing up it's existence and the base for my, "assumption", is the complete lack of evidence backing up love's existence and my personal observations. So no, it not any more of just an, "opinion", than gravity is.
Two things, first: love is chemicals in the brain, the guy has more points than you because it's been verified that people do feel love; what is this sodding "love" people feels is an entirely different topic I won't approach because it's all philosophical bullshit about what one believes love is. This means, there is evidence backing up love's existence, but every person perceives love in a different way.
Second, change the word "love" here for "god" and you will see why I say this is pointless.
>Also, I looked it up and couldn't find any connection between proylene and human emotions.
It's hydrogen bromide, and there isn't. http://www.chemguide.co.uk/mechanisms/freerad/alkenehbr.html
>>3293>the base for my, "assumption", is the complete lack of evidence backing up love's existence and my personal observations.
No no no, you're far away from understanding.
>Gravity is supported by science and proven by professionals better than you and me
>Your…post is supported by you and your opinions.
Also, under your argument, cold and darkness do not exist either. Yet you need a blanket and a dark place to sleep comfy in winter.
My argument was that your argument was invalid because you provided no evidence that went against my argument. My post was not about what love is, it was about how I am convinced that love in the way op and a lot of fiction defines it is not real. You provided no evidence that would prove that wrong which is why your argument is invalid. Again, gravity has nothing to do with it. Anybody can just say something is invalid and leave it at that. I've already said that a million times. >Two things, first: love is chemicals in the brain, the guy has more points than you because it's been verified that people do feel love; what is this sodding "love" people feels is an entirely different topic I won't approach because it's all philosophical bullshit about what one believes love is.
Really? What evidence do you have to back this claim up? Again, nobody is debating what love we're
talking about. I'm talking about the sodding love. I'm saying that it's not real. It's not philosophical. Something fake cannot directly bring you happiness. The belief in god can provide some relief, the belief in love prevents people from being happy. >the belief in love prevents people from being happy
This is an opinion.>love is not real
That is not. >It's hydrogen bromide
HBr is hydrogen bromide, CH3CH=CH2 is proylene. Look at the picture again. >>3295>No no no, you're far away from understanding.
You're doing it again. >Also, under your argument, cold and darkness do not exist either. Yet you need a blanket and a dark place to sleep comfy in winter.
That's what I was referring to by personal observations. Cold is the slowness of particles, darkness is the absence of light. I can feel the cold and I can see when it is dark. I can not feel love
Saying that my, "assumption", is just an opinion and therefore invalid is as dumb as saying that gravity is just an opinion. I'm not talking about if a movie is good or not, I'm talking about if something is real or not. Not being real is an objective fact. Love not being real is the fact that I believe to be true, and no evidence has been brought up that would prove me wrong.
>>3298>Saying that my, "assumption", is just an opinion and therefore invalid is as dumb as saying that gravity is just an opinion.
>Everyone's random opinions on the internet are as valid as scientific discoveries, backed up by professionals and academmia.
You made me laugh so hard I came.
It's as dumb because it follows the same flawed logic. Any brain dead moron can say that something is just an opinion on the internet. There is no evidence backed up by science and academia supporting the existence of love so no, it is not just an opinion. Even a pig whose brain has been cut out could figure that out. The total lack of evidence and the lack of anybody's personal observation is nearly just as conclusive as the evidence that backs up gravity.
No tangible evidence. No observable footprints. No reason for existing that would explain something that is real(even god god has that). Doesn't exist. Not much more of an opinion than gravity. You obviously need a lot more evidence to prove that something IS real. If it's real it probably also has a lot of evidence that does back up its existence. Seeing that something is almost certainly not real is just basic logic. What evidence could you even find that something isn't real? You couldn't. Unicorns aren't real either. That's almost certainly a fact, but you don't say that it's just an opinion because of a lack of evidence that couldn't even possibly exist. By your logic, if somebody says unicorns aren't real, they shouldn't be taken seriously because that's just an, "opinion". If they said that thinking that unicorns aren't real is just an opinion is as ridiculous as thinking that gravity is real is just an opinion, would you still be creaming your pants? People just want love to be real and they think that if they look hard enough they'll find it. A lot of people even delude themselves into thinking that they found it like some kind of lunatic. If emotions were something that people could see, nobody would think love is real because it's just as fake as horses that grow horns.
Dude, the point is you have nothing, let me make it clear, NOTHING, to support or back your point of view up. While as I said, I could dump a bunch of links here to all kinds of professionals proving gravity exists.
I had to clean my keyboard it was all sticky.
Jesus christ, look at this thread. See why did I say this is stupid? The worst part is that loveless rambo is discussing with a troll and doesn't realize it.>>3297>My argument was that your argument was invalid because you provided no evidence that went against my argument.
Eh, no. I wasn't the anon you tried to dismiss with "anybody can say something is invalid", I merely tried to show that that logic isn't well applied in the conversation because you're discussing abstract and subjective concepts that change from person to person, and not something tangible and measurable. Later, I explained of a proof that explains that some kind of love exists, regardless of what it is.
>Really? What evidence do you have to back this claim up?
Dude, you know about it, you said it here… >>3269
And thus the rest of the paragraph is irrelevant. Can you prove love isn't real? It's been proved that love exists, just a bunch of things your glands produce. Can you at least prove this isn't love? If it isn't, what is it?
>HBr is hydrogen bromide, CH3CH=CH2 is proylene. Look at the picture again.
Oh, that… did you mean propylene? We usually call that propene in the labs. But why do you care? I left a link about peroxides and what not.
>There is no evidence backed up by science and academia supporting the existence of love so no, it is not just an opinion. Even a pig whose brain has been cut out could figure that out. The total lack of evidence and the lack of anybody's personal observation is nearly just as conclusive as the evidence that backs up gravity.https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biological_basis_of_love
There. You made me google it. Congratulations. Thus has been proved what is behind the sodding love. Could you spare me the discussion of what it is, or you will make a quick neurosciences course and debate how this isn't real and keep going on your fantasy?
God damn it mate, you don't have to go this autistic to explain that people should immerse themselves in stupid fancies about the "perfect love" or whatever enemy you're trying to make out of it. If people suffer for being stupid, LET THEM SUFFER. We call that "life" and been doing damn well since the last few centuries. Let people live the way they want, even if it means them wallowing in the mud. In the first place, if you are THAT stupid as to suffer for not finding "the perfect one" or whatever homosexual term you are thinking, then you deserve it. Completely. Even worse if you actually have some good things in your life (like a warm room, meals, hell, a roof over your head) and dismiss them simply because you didn't fulfill your love fantasies. This is like dealing with teens man, you let them grow on their own, and if they don't they won't last long, and that's good for the species.
Call me edgy, but I doubt you'd like to approach somebody who is so obsessive they reach vast degrees of stupidity whilst grazing madness at the same time. The very few people who happen to think like loveless rambo thinks "most people think" are either what we call mentally ill people who are pretty damaging to themselves and pretty much anybody they're associated with, or people with teeny mentality going through a phase that will eventually dilute( or not, and that would be even more pathetic).
For the first I feel pity, for the latter, I don't. If they're so indulged in being a victim instead of improving as a human then they may as well enjoy it through and through.
And you have nothing that proves that unicorns aren't real. It's the same dumb argument.>>3306>you're discussing abstract and subjective concepts that change from person to person
No, i'm not. I'm, talking about the kind of love that you find in movies and books. The kind of love that's basically like magic. Every time I say love, that's what i'm referring to. The love in books never fades, is not based in sexuality, has ties to destiny or whatever, apparently spans across space and time, etc. That's the kind of love that I don't think exists, but a lot of people seem to do.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2Brm4g4HPU
That's the sort of love that I think op is insisting on withholding sex for. They even said that they're waiting for, "the one", and that finding them will magically fix their problems. >Dude, you know about it, you said it here
What I meant to say was infatuation.>There. You made me google it. Congratulations.
I looked at that article you put, and it's entirely about the connection between an obsessive attachment to another person and sex. Not magic love that the brain has no gland to produce. It even says that love is based on sex drive, and attractiveness. It also says the chemical responsible for more long term infatuation has more to do with the activities that partners engage in than the people themselves. Doesn't exactly fit the idea of, "the one". >In the first place, if you are THAT stupid as to suffer for not finding "the perfect one" or whatever homosexual term you are thinking, then you deserve it. Completely. Even worse if you actually have some good things in your life (like a warm room, meals, hell, a roof over your head) and dismiss them simply because you didn't fulfill your love fantasies.
You're preaching to the choir.
Here's some comments from the video.>As someone who can induce a DMT trip, I can vouch for this statement. Just thinking of someone that I spent a few nights with long ago blasted me off, I was surrounded by pure energy, all after I simply thought of her name in meditation.>the best love definition
Also, it seems really contradictory that they're looking for somebody who they love to have sex with, when according to the article that you put, feelings of, "love", are directly tied to having sex.
>>3309>No, i'm not. I'm, talking about the kind of love that you find in movies and books. The kind of love that's basically like magic. Every time I say love, that's what i'm referring to. The love in books never fades, is not based in sexuality, has ties to destiny or whatever, apparently spans across space and time, etc. That's the kind of love that I don't think exists, but a lot of people seem to do.
An abstract concept. A fucking abstract concept. You can't touch it, therefore it's abstract. It's one interpretation derived of said abstract idea, therefore a concept. Are you fucking kidding me? IT IS an abstract concept; an extremely retarded one, but it is, and it is only one, not all of them. People blame destiny all the time, I could say walking on shit next monday could be my destiny and rant about how it was inevitable, if I ever wanted, but that doesn't make it magical nor impossible, I could step on shit one of these days regardless of how magical I made it sound. People love to idealize things and talk words to make them sound magical, but adults also realize the world is not all that sparky and glistering, only kids and retards still have that kind of hope of ideals being real.
If you are ever that lucky to find somebody you can spend your whole life with, without feeling any regrets, congratulations. A hard catch, but don't come talking about red strings please.
>I looked at that article you put, and it's entirely about the connection between an obsessive attachment to another person and sex. Not magic love that the brain has no gland to produce. It even says that love is based on sex drive, and attractiveness. It also says the chemical responsible for more long term infatuation has more to do with the activities that partners engage in than the people themselves. Doesn't exactly fit the idea of, "the one". >Also, it seems really contradictory that they're looking for somebody who they love to have sex with, when according to the article that you put, feelings of, "love", are directly tied to having sex.
Could you, please, quote when did I even suggest anything minimally related to any idea of love I hold, at all? Because I haven't, not a single time. I merely pointed out that people do
have the capacity to feel love, which not only has a part in the sexual drive of each partner but also involves a shower of hormones that cause, among other things, happiness. Woah! People feeling great about being together with somebody they like, does it ring a bell? Not all loves are Shakespeare-like and involve complicated paragraphs about destiny and magical symbols and all the bullshit, just as you can fight with somebody you hold very dear and turn the relationship to shit.
You are being pretty unfair, on the other hand; the love you speak of is twilight-tier, but many a couple hold different ideas of love that are real to them and have nothing to do with the ideal "Love" you talk about, and we're approaching the same thing yet again. Different concepts
. Everyone has one. Do you want to discuss about fetishes and how wanting to fuck a monster isn't possible (thus any other fetish isn't) too?
There are some kinds of love out there, your problem seems to be how retarded it can be or not depending on the person, not whether love exists or not, in which case we both agree.
>>3312>An abstract concept. A fucking abstract concept. You can't touch it, therefore it's abstract.
No, nope, nada. Love is an emotion. Emotions are tangible and they can be explained by chemical processes in the brain. It's not abstract because regardless of what somebody's idea of love is, everybody agrees that it is an emotion. All emotions, real or fake, are tangible by the definition of what an emotions is. >only kids and retards still have that kind of hope of ideals being real.
Well, I guess op and a lot of other people are retarded because they clearly still hope that those ideals are real. >Could you, please, quote when did I even suggest anything minimally related to any idea of love I hold, at all?
I was referring to the idea of love presented by the article that you put. If the article doesn't agree with what you think love is, you shouldn't have cited it as evidence. I assumed that they coincided.>I merely pointed out that people do have the capacity to feel love, which not only has a part in the sexual drive of each partner but also involves a shower of hormones that cause, among other things, happiness. Woah! People feeling great about being together with somebody they like, does it ring a bell? Not all loves are Shakespeare-like and involve complicated paragraphs about destiny and magical symbols and all the bullshit, just as you can fight with somebody you hold very dear and turn the relationship to shit.
I keep trying to get this point across to you. That's not the type of love i'm talking about. I refer to the type of love that was in the article as infatuation, because that's what it is. Being around somebody you like is clearly different from being madly in, "love". People don't love their friends. In a good, long lasting relationship, the dynamic is closer to the one best friends have than the type of stuff in romance novels. A winning relationship is based on affection and compatibility of personalities. A bad one is based on lust and infatuation. Affection is not what I personally would call love, but that's besides the point. The love i'm talking about is purely magical. The love I am talking about is an emotion that has ties to the forces of the universe. No such emotion exists. God isn't considered to be an abstract concept either. Every religious person thinks god exists in the tangible sense. People like op believe in a magical emotion that is undetectable. God can not technically be disproven, but magic love can be because all emotions are based on chemical reactions. >many a couple hold different ideas of love that are real to them and have nothing to do with the ideal "Love" you talk about
Well, if those couples' idea of what love is has anything to do with magic or fate or the will of the universe, they're wrong.
>>3314>No, nope, nada. Love is an emotion. Emotions are tangible and they can be explained by chemical processes in the brain. It's not abstract because regardless of what somebody's idea of love is, everybody agrees that it is an emotion. All emotions, real or fake, are tangible by the definition of what an emotions is.
Right, call it an interpretation, then. À quoi bon? my point still holds. Funny how love suddenly is real now while 5 seconds ago you were saying it wasn't right there in that post. And before you come with the "but I mean magical love!!!", that's exactly my point, if it isn't real, it's just a gay concept made by faggots for faggots about magical bonds.
>I was referring to the idea of love presented by the article that you put. If the article doesn't agree with what you think love is, you shouldn't have cited it as evidence. I assumed that they coincided.
You keep doing it mate, why do you assume what I think or not of love? I don't care what love is or isn't, I've already said so a million of times among all those posts, stop trying to bend my words to make it look like you are actually holding your points. That article point out some proof that love exists (namely, the existence of chemical reactions that produce a state we call "being in love"), not what it is and we both don't care about that one way or the other. Besides, it actually doesn't mention anything to do with romanticism… wait a second, oh dear god, please don't tell me you actually wasted your time reading the psychology part? Because I haven't.
>I keep trying to get this point across to you
Did you even read the last part of my post? I know what you mean, I only think you are an obtuse faggot who doesn't know how to explain his shit and sounds pedant as fuck as a consequence when trying to force his ideas onto others with the mighty power of… internet opinions. Here, I will quote it one more time so you don't miss it, again.>There are some kinds of love out there, your problem seems to be how retarded it can be or not depending on the person, not whether love exists or not, in which case we both agree.
>Well, if those couples' idea of what love is has anything to do with magic or fate or the will of the universe, they're wrong.
Can you even read? It explicitly says it's not the bullshit you meant. What does "and have nothing to do with the ideal "Love" you talk about" mean to you? Do you need a Venn diagram or something?
Okay whatever, rambo, congratulations in whatever your mighty mission is and good luck spreading the word but it's obvious you don't have anything else to say other than to bend anything I say for your fitting. I'll go drink battery acid or something to kill my neurons and be ready for the next round. Good night.
I never said unicorns were real, I am not the one making a statement, YOU ARE, sustain it with something or recognize your opinions are nothing to take as fact.
i've never had any interests or aspirations in life, so its easy for me to be a NEET. all i want is a safe space where i can fap and consume until i die. i have literally no talent at anything whatsoever. i am a totally worthless person, but i don't care.
>>3316>Right, call it an interpretation, then. À quoi bon? my point still holds. Funny how love suddenly is real now while 5 seconds ago you were saying it wasn't right there in that post. And before you come with the "but I mean magical love!!!", that's exactly my point, if it isn't real, it's just a gay concept made by faggots for faggots about magical bonds.
Well fine, the specific interpretation of love that involves magic is fictional. I'm trying to get this point across to op, because they seem to be under the impression that this interpretation is correct when it is definitely not. >You keep doing it mate, why do you assume what I think or not of love?
Because you put the article in your post as evidence. The article presented a very clear, "interpretation", of what love is. Sorry for assuming that you agree with the evidence that you googled.>That article point out some proof that love exists (namely, the existence of chemical reactions that produce a state we call "being in love"), not what it is
Again you said, "we", so do you agree with the article's idea of love, or not? Also which love are you referring to, "being in". The article explains the existence of a certain interpretation of love, not all interpretations. I assume that your interpretation of love coincides with the article's interpretation because why else would you put it there? That interpretation is what I would personally call infatuation. Again, that's besides the point. >don't tell me you actually wasted your time reading the psychology part? Because I haven't.
Yeah, it took like three minutes. Spending anytime on this message board is a, "waste of time". If i'm arguing with someone, and they use an article as evidence, I read the whole thing unless it would take more than twenty minutes. At least read your own before using them. >I merely pointed out that people do have the capacity to feel love, which not only has a part in the sexual drive of each partner but also involves a shower of hormones that cause, among other things, happiness. Woah! People feeling great about being together with somebody they like, does it ring a bell? Not all loves are Shakespeare-like and involve complicated paragraphs about destiny and magical symbols and all the bullshit, just as you can fight with somebody you hold very dear and turn the relationship to shit. >I keep trying to get this point across to you. That's not the type of love i'm talking about.
Don't take my quotes out of context. If you know what I mean, then what are you even trying to prove to me? Do you agree with me? Because if you do, then what else is there to say?>It explicitly says it's not the bullshit you meant.
No you didn't. Those were two different parts of your post. If you said>hold different REALISTIC ideas of love that are real to them and have nothing to do with the ideal "Love" you talk about
You would be right. Even if their idea of love is different from the ideal, fictional, magical one i'm talking about, if it has anything to do with something fantastical, it is not real. If that couple thinks ogres come into people's houses at night and spit on their faces and in their food to make them fall in love, that would be different from the type of love in romance novels, but it would still be fake. >>3318>I never said unicorns were real
I'm using unicorns as an example of something that I don't have to provide evidence to prove that they don't exist. Unicorns not being real is not more of an opinion than gravity being real. How thick are you? If I just said gravity was real, you would believe me. If I just said unicorns are not real, you would believe me. So when I say magic love tied to fate and blah blah is not real, you should just believe me too because anybody with more than two brain cells would. I don't need to give you evidence to prove that unicorns are not real, so why do I have to give you evidence that magical emotions aren't real?
>>3316>it's just a gay concept made by faggots for faggots about magical bonds.
Also, there are a lot of faggots out there. Tons of them.
Thread theme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEXWRTEbj1I
>CTRL+F "Love">170 matches
This thread is bonkers, this is what you get when you combine a general negative atmosphere with a bunch of self diagnosed depressed/tfwnogf people.https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love
I think >>3269
is an obvious troll/false flagger, even the most tryhard cancerous messed up people don't post these ridiculous 2edgy4you Nihilism 101 bait.I usually see these edgy philosophy "i am right and you are wrong and btw nothing matters and everything is shit so im going to kms bye" arguments on tumblr, hence why i said he's false-flagging>>2758
I've been doing better, i gone full blown out NEET for the past month or so but i've been slowly upping my ratio of work to leisure.
>>3332>I don't need to give you evidence to prove that unicorns are not real, so why do I have to give you evidence that magical emotions aren't real?
I am FUCKING THICK, the answer is simple, opposition, you will hardly find any if you say unicorns aren't real, but for some people, they are, people just believe in some things.
What I mean is, that if you found someone who disagrees with you about unicorns, they will ask you to prove they don't exist, not me, though.
However as I disagree with you about the main topic of your rant, I will ask you for evidence, this is the internet, give me a source.
In the end of the day if you just can't because magic, or God can't be proven or disproven, I can't say they or love exist, but you can't say they don't exist…unless you give me evidence, which as it seems, you can't.
However it is not me saying love, or God, or magic or unicorns don't exist, it is you.
You do not know if love exists or not. That is the truth.
Thinking that unicorns are real is as ridiculous as thinking that magical emotions are real. https://www.quora.com/Can-magic-spells-actually-work
There, there's your fucking source. There weren't any scientists who would be dumb enough to think that it would be necessary to makes a study on why something that obviously doesn't exist, doesn't exist, but some of the people who responded to the question are pretty qualified. >>3336>I usually see these edgy philosophy "i am right and you are wrong and btw nothing matters and everything is shit so im going to kms bye"
My first post has nothing to do with nihilism and I didn't say I was going to kill myself. The message was that op should enjoy themselves more and not inhibit themselves for the sake of a fictional ideal. How is that so edgy? Only dumb fucks get hung up on how a message is presented and ignore the actual point that was trying to be made.
You also seem to be under the false impression that I think or subconsciously think that having a relationship would make me happy. I'm not interested because I don't plan on getting married and committing so much of my time to somebody else. What's the point of a relationship that will inevitably end? More Freudian logic.
Nice completely unrelated link bro, fact remains you can't prove love doesn't exist.
I'm glad we agree.
Is has to do with magic and by extension magic love. If I tried to drill into your head with a half foot long drill bit, I wouldn't reach one third of the way through. Are you so fucking dense that even now, you can't tell that i'm not trying to disprove every person's, "interpretation", of what love is? Anybody can just say that an article is unrelated. Do I need to prove to you with evidence that the evidence that I gave has something to do with what i'm arguing? Do I need to give you evidence that I really think what I think?
>>3346>Is has to do with magic and by extension magic love.
It doesn't, magic and love are different things, go read the dictionary.
So you can not disprove love so you have to disprove some other random thing and beg me to find them related somehow, LOL.
>Do I need to prove to you with evidence that the evidence that I gave has something to do with what i'm arguing? Do I need to give you evidence that I really think what I think?
No, just recognize your opinion is just your opinion and not a fact unless you bring scientific evidence.
MAGIC LOVE. Two words, together. Not love, magic love. If you have read any of my last ten posts you would understand this. If you have only read my posts that were specifically replying to you, then go back and read the whole thing like a person with an attention spam larger than a gnat would.
Blah blah blah still can't prove love doesn't exist yeah I know.
The love-argument faggots in this thread need to shoot each other. Do it on another thread you fucks.
>>3609>I got hired yesterday, looks like I'll be helping to…
I got suddenly very excited for you!!>wash dishes every couple of days
I'm really sad to hear that
Sorry the rest of the world is harsh on you and your dreams. (You can still make animations and music, btw. It might not be for pay but ask yourself if that really matters enough to you to worry about it)
pay doesnt matter so much as being able to show something I'm proud of. Working and going to school part time will still give me plenty of time to make things.
I hope that my free time being more precious will motivate me to at least try more because I haven't been producing anything since a break up of sorts years ago.
that's actually what i thought about my free time but actually i'm much more productive on the weekends. on weekdays i usually am too exhausted after work (which still pays minimum wage god bless america)
I've started slowly working towards living a normal life. Recently started speaking to a psych and it's nice to finally just have someone to speak to about what goes on in my head. Getting outside a little bit more every week and it's starting to get easier but I don't feel too comfortable yet.
Tonight has been the first really shitty one in a few weeks, can't stop thinking about all of the time wasted sitting in my room with nothing to show for it. Really feel like I've wasted an important part of my youth and just upset I didn't get to experience highschool. I feel so far behind all of my friends that I still speak to online.
Just have to keep telling myself that my situation can only improve as long as I keep pushing forward.
>>3654>I'll just enlist as an infantryman.
If this is the US military you're talking about, you may want to formulate a Plan B. I have heard the the US Army is actually turning down applicants nowadays. With a history of antipsychotic drugs, you may be screwed
Got my first job at a convenience store, ended up quitting month and a half in. Pay was shit, above my country's min wage (that's 4 USD a day, I got paid like 8 USD a day) but that's not saying much. Basically found out 8 hours six days a week is a long fucking time and that I can't stand dealing with customers, there wasn't any incident fortunately but I got really tired of them. At the end of the day when I got home and had dinner I ended up doing nothing until I hit the bed. Sometimes I ended up working different shifts, which fucked with my sleep a bit. I basically didn't have any communication with anyone during that period, which didn't help at all. These past weeks I'm still feeling shitty, I'm not eating normally and I basically spend all day slacking doing nothing, just drifting on chans and sadpanda sessions, like not even vidya or anime. Funny, since when I was working I was only thinking "All this time I spend working I could be learning how to draw or Japanese or guitar or *fucking anything* else right now" and now I can't be arsed to do anything at all. I've barely gone outside for a while now too. At least I've got uni to look forward to, but even then I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do about it. My father is already worrying I might end up going full NEET.
So you have the choice of being unhappy and making no money or being unhappy and actually getting something from it. Did you drop out of school or something? Why can't you get a better job?
I'm not given enough time to go to school, not allowed to take breaks at work (unsure if I'm getting docked pay for breaks I'm not taking as well), and I'm finding it really difficult to take care of myself.
I might have to quit.
I like the money and feeling like I'm at least kind of contributing to society but I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. Somehow my circadian rhythm is more fucked up than usual.
You live in Japan? How the fuck did you get in?
Plenty of people have done it before.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSxjtk3eA8Mhttps://images.encyclopediadramatica.rs/b/b2/Mira_is_japanese.png>marrying your husband just because he is Japanese and is moving to Japan>divorcing husband because he is moving out of Japan for work>Becoming a kyabakura hostess to get expensive shit>Constantly talks about how Japanese people do things the wrong way while also saying that she doesn't want any foreign culture to get into Japan>If she does have children, wont teach them english because it's, "unnecessary">Says she will report comments to the police>https://images.encyclopediadramatica.rs/7/7e/Black_face_experiment.png>https://images.encyclopediadramatica.rs/2/28/Black_face_lie.jpg >https://images.encyclopediadramatica.rs/e/ee/Its_competition.png
Her japanese is cringy as fuck in some points.
Becoming an EOP English teacher, that's easy, but if one wishes for any decent future they should learn the language and take a degree.
/jp/ had a thread about thishttp://boards.4chan.org/jp/thread/17426193
Work has somehow made my circadian rhythm worse than when I was a NEET. At least it's kind of consistent now. I'm not sure if I'll be able to go back to school. I'm too tired to think most of the time, but I could probably do some more mindless work.
I don't have friends really IRL and while I wish I could figure out how to just be comfortable around people.
It seems like I can't go very long without it feeling like there's a hole in my chest. It hasn't really gotten better, maybe I should get a second job that's kind of mindless so I can save up a bunch of money for bullshit status symbols.
why are females so obsessed with drama, take it back to >>>/lolcow/
Why do you think i'm female? Pretty presumptuous of you.
I recently got another laptop just for venting my emotions by typing out my anger or sadness and also just general escapism that isn't just watching Youtube or gaming because I have other computers for that.
So far, it has help me a lot. For certain issues it would have been nice if I could have bawled my eyes out and gotten all of it out of my system but simply ranting, venting and exploring my thoughts and then getting to read it later helps so much with my issues.
I see now that until you get the bulk of your anger and other emotions out and calm yourself, discussing issues with people online is often meaningless. Too often I would get into stupid little spats with other anons because I was so fucking mad at the time.
Feels nice to just have an empty void to rage into now. On days I really need to vent, I feel absolutely amazing, like I had three orgasms at once or something.
because the only boards out there that gaf about petty female jvlog drama are
they both have something in common
Why the hell would you need a different computer just for "typing out your emotions"? Is your regular computer just not understanding enough?
It's mostly so I have less distractions, as I got this laptop (for free, mind you), installed Linux on it, and I intend to cut it off from the Internet completely. It's also so I can have my rants completely separate from my games and other shit.
As time passes, it might just become a general writing computer.
I've never used either of those boards. I brought up the individual that I did to make a point. >>3669
seemed to think that moving to Japan is an impressive feat, so I brought up an incredibly stupid person who managed to do it to disprove this.
>>3844>an incredibly stupid person
I understand that most people here don't go outside, so I can see how you would make this mistake, but surely you mean that this person is of average intelligence, right?
used to be very popular and happy, had great friends.
went to a private boys only high school some 4 years ago lol i dont even remember and ever since then my life has completely changed. ive considered suicide multiple times because i really dont see a future for myself. i hide everything i do and try not to talk to anyone but being a naturally social person in an environment like this is extremely hard. not a day has gone by where i haven't had severe anxiety unless i take drugs or nyquil before school. my school is extremely strict and i haven't found anyone who i genuinely like. there's a whole plethora of other issues i dont feel like getting into. i also really wanted to join the football team. i missed every single tryout
hoping college is better. i really want to join a frat
I find it funny that you tell someone to go back to /lolcow/ but you kinda post like someone who would frequent such a board. True, that other anon did come off as a bit stalkerish by posting a lot of screencaps of little spats but his point still stands. Maybe she isn't actually stupid but rather she comes off as immature but she still is in Japan.
This is an interesting video about the Greek theory of love, which was split into four different parts.
>>3846>being a naturally social person in an environment like this is extremely hard>i really want to join a frat
You must have had some kind of mental break-down. Anyway, this is what I like to call toxic extroversion. When somebody who is incapable of functioning without the continuous validation and attention of others is deprived of those necessities due to poor social skills it mutilates and twists that persons personality until they become a deranged, hollow shell of themselves. Being a shadow of yourself must really suck. Introvert master race #1.
>>3853>thinking with only one brain
introverts are plebs
Better than being an ant.
Looking good so far. When I last left this place two years ago, I was working at the assembly line for minimum wage. During that time, I quit and after a while landed a nice and surprisingly well-paid job. I never thought I could get such a job as a college dropout. No complaints here. My social skills are shot, but talking to coworkers gives me opportunities to practice.
For the first time ever I have a job that I don't dislike. That's great. Now I think that I could do more with my free time, because I usually spend it in the most passive/unproductive way imaginable: watching videos on YouTube, lurking on image boards, playing video games, etc. all day long. It's a very difficult problem for me to solve right now, with unclear goals and methods.
What kind of job did you find that actually pays decently?
Software tester in a bigco. Normally you need a degree to get hired, I'm pretty sure. But apparently there is currently such a shortage of potential employees in the market that some companies are willing to look for people without a diploma as long as they have a modicum of experience with some of the technologies they're going to use on the job. Then they spend a few more weeks training them on site and if they show some promise, they get a job offer. That's how I got in. The company I'm working for is currently quickly expanding and has been repeatedly organizing those training programs where they accept CVs from just about anyone, provided they meet some of their lenient criteria, e.g. basic knowledge of Linux, C++, any version control system, etc. Like, all I had on my resume was one failed year of CompSci and a shitty Python script that did some things like look up titles and durations of YT videos posted in the chat for me (the chat did not support any form of multimedia embedding). Almost anyone can sign up, but the entrance exam and the month-long series of trainings and tests that followed, on topics I have never heard about before, were very difficult, at least for me.
I'm really lucky I have an internet friend - maybe not a good one, but we had known each other for a long time and even had a chance to meet IRL once - looking out for me. He made me aware that such a training program even existed in the first place. In fact, he did so on three separate occasions over the course of over a year. While I thought it was an interesting prospect, the first two times he mentioned it I was too… scared? skeptical? apathetic? to do anything about it. By the third time, I just felt like I had nothing to lose, so I decided to take that chance. What followed was easily the most challenging period in my life so far. I had to travel to a big city on the other side of the country a few times, then I had to move there. Mom had to take out a loan because I was broke and needed some money for at least two months during my stay there (participants were neither paid nor had to pay for the training program). She also helped me find a place to stay. And a lot of that happened at a moment's notice because to be honest, the whole thing was aimed primarily at students who were already living there. There was little time for me to prepare. Looking back, that was a terrifying adventure. I expected to fail each step of the way, and I still find it hard to believe I made it. I don't feel any less of an awkward shut-in than I was 2-4 years ago, but I'm in a better place now. I get to do computer stuff for a living which is ideal for someone like me who spends 16 hours a day in front of one anyway. I'll take that over assembly line work any day. But I wouldn't be here now without the people who helped me along the way. Especially mom.
My life turned out so surreal it almost feels like a joke. Began a PhD when it still seemed like a viable life option, now I'm shuffling groceries in a supermarket for a living. I had to pass FOUR interviews to get that job.
Not to mention, I also had the foresightedness to choose for my studies one of the few fields in which women are at an advantage. Go me.
I haven't been here for a long time. Two years, I think? But things have gotten much better. I took antidepressants for long enough to start CBT, then stopped; after much struggle with that, things looked up. My then-recently earned and very first lover moralized me, so together we trudged through the thick sludge of depression until I felt… happy, again. Well, one of my first emotions that emerged from apathy's mire was disgust, in actuality, felt for the first time reading a diaper Megaman fanfiction with my online friends, but happiness came to me eventually. After a lot of other very strange things. Hysterical fits of laughter, assumption that mild annoyance constituted deep rage, that sort of thing. Recovering from apathy is arguably stranger than apathy itself.
I shed tears of joy for the first time last month, and they've welled infrequently but consistently since, identifiable by an actual physical sensation of warmth in my chest. I don't think I can even call myself truly depressed anymore for the first time since I was 8- I once thought of suicide day in, day out, but not anymore- I feel as though I've a future in finishing college, moving in with my boyfriend, helping my NEET friends out of their situations… It's a recovery I couldn't have expected. Under two years after a decade of feeling nothing and I feel like an unmarred child again, looking at the world tentatively, still frightened of the outdoors to some extent, but now curious enough about what it offers to even venture outside voluntarily on rare occasions. I'm still autistic, but there's no curing that. And my boyfriend, my silly, gentle, tenderhearted conifer- well, even he's doing better! He's cooking for himself more frequently as instructed by me and planning on attending university soon himself for the sake of perhaps getting a slightly more stable job than the miseries of a minimum wage grind. We're recovering together, filling one anothers' hearts out like newly reunited pieces of one entity, and I'll be visiting him very soon, and we're becoming genuinely happy together.
I've never felt love or much affection at all for anybody before him, but now… I feel so much more deeply for everybody. Love is wonderful. I think the world doesn't have enough of it- people love too selfishly, and I'm sure I'd have been pursued just for my looks or the whole "woo dating an autist who looks like a 12 year old, my lolicon thirst is slaked!"(not to rip on any pedos/hebes here, i know that's a hard life to live) thing, and my conifer would have been alone and probably taken a toaster to his bathtub by now if we hadn't found one another. But love formed just through knowing others on the internet, no faces involved until later- that's really good stuff. I'd highly recommend it for the lonely hearts on here.
I hope the rest of you guys get better in the next few years too. I've gotten really lucky to have recovered like this. Unbelievably lucky. A miracle of chance. …I am so happy. If I become unhappy again, though, I know I'll be a little happy to be here with you guys again too.
>>3906>reading a diaper Megaman fanfiction with my online friends
do i want to hear this story?
My friends are kind of just like that. we basically read every particular horrible piece of fanfiction/ written prose we can find on group calls and it's god damn nightmarish. You haven't lived until you balanced gagging and laughing hysterically in equal measure for 30 minutes straight.
seriously, i would highly recommend trying it sometime with whoever's available
Oh, I understand that! There are plenty of people who are fine with solitude- in fact, I was at my worst when I'd only just begun to associate with others. But there are a lot of people in this thread, it seems, who crave that closeness with another and don't seem to think it's possible for them, so… this was addressed more at them than any trueborn hermits.
I don't doubt that there are a lot of born hermits here, but there also seem to be many stuck in hikkimode purely through the weight of depression and its lethargy. Like, tons of them in this thread, and those are the kinds of people who could benefit from more love and tenderness, I think. …As an aside, though, I feel as though at this point I'd be quite content with being alone if my online friends happened to go away suddenly, vanish into nothing without it being my burden- They made the solitude I spend many of my hours in a comfortable one where I no longer cower from my own thoughts. Reclusiveness and depression do seem to be capable of independence from one another although one can be born of another at the same time. Strange thing!
Doll-anon… is that you? If not nevermind.
If you are referring to me, then no, but I'm still around, although I don't discuss my shit anymore. I seem to receive a lot of projection in the replies/people telling me what I do is wrong and should change, even though I'm happy as things are right now, and in the end I just get really tired trying to tell them I'm not justifying my things just because I don't agree with their view of the world.
I've been able to get a better relationship with my classmates and although I sill don't have friends I have people who I can talk with in class who also share some interests with me. I haven't been able to get a job as I wanted because college is eating all my time.
Well, I'm glad you're okay, when I read that post, I got worried that maybe things took a turn for the worse and that you just gave up.
>I seem to receive a lot of projection in the replies/people telling me what I do is wrong and should change, even though I'm happy as things are right now
It's funny you mentioned that, I've started to just rant and type out how I feel offline in a word processor just to avoid random people's opinions. But that's because I wanted to get my emotional responses out so I can later talk about problems whether IRL or on imageboards.
We may not see eye to eye on things, but again, pretty happy that things are going up for you.
The way I see it, there is nothing wrong with not minding being alone. Company is like alcohol, I don't drink it even though I like wine (and too much of it can suffocate me). It's like having a jeep, it would be nice, but it's not like I don't enjoy walking. When I go to sleep I think about my interests, problems or whatever just as other people, but I don't sigh at the thought of not having a partner because, why?
The problem last time seemed to be that people misunderstood what I said and assumed that I either consciously or unconsciously wished or desired for something they themselves were craving in the first place. How come I don't really want a share of the treasure when everybody would kill each other for a share of it? Their justification being, sex. Sure, sex may be nice and whatever, but I also wish I had a tank and I don't go about posting on imageboards about how depressing my life is for not having a 5-ton vehicle with a 75mm cannon. Obsessing over it is just… I don't know, pointless, don't you think? On a related note, my sexual drive has increased the last year, so I think my lack of it before was a hormone problem. But I still hold my views about it. It'd be nice, just like a panzer, but there are dozens of doujin there as well, so, why worry?
And when I mentioned I thought women where something out-worldly when I was 13? Fuck, all the people with problems with their views of the other sex went on with some sort of "You are afraid of women and you need help NOW". I speak with girls all right, I was pointing out just why I was shy back then and didn't relate too much with anyone and my lack of experience with how courting even works, and probably why I have so little interest on it. Maybe that did affect the way I think right now, but I have a girl sitting next to me on numerical analysis and she and other 3 guys are pretty much the only people I talk with during that class, so… what's the deal?
In the end, it was pretty much me getting tired of even discussing it. It felt like I was an adolescent trying to justify his behaviour to his parents, and they'd dismiss all he said no matter what. That actually was more annoying than helping, so I just decided to shut up and that's been about it, pretty much.
Well, I don't know your situation beyond what happened in that thread and your follow up posts in this one but at least for me, I have land that I would like to pass on so the work me and my family did to get it doesn't go in vain. There's a chance that they might fuck that up but at least give them a chance to continue that legacy. I might be a weirdo who jacks off a lot, wants sex toys like some freak, and all that shit but I do have a lot of pressure from my family and while I don't like that pressure I eventually have to produce a child to keep that land in the family. I'm open to adoption now but as it stands the easiest way to do that is to find a loving partner who can give me a child and also help me with the work I have here. Plus baby making sounds fun to me.
And admittedly, even I, the monster girl faggot was projecting onto you looking back on it. You weren't even criticizing me for my life choices. That's one thing that has changed with me, just because I deal with a high sex drive and enjoy having other people involved with a lot of things I do (not just sex related though, not interested in orgies) doesn't mean that my way is the only way. My problem back then was idealism, I had in my head an ideal view of how things should be.
And when it comes down to it, there really is nothing wrong with being content with being alone. Or not being focused on sex/reproducing for that matter. I could have sworn I had apologized in that thread but I am sorry for how I treated you.
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>>3913>I got worried that maybe things took a turn for the worse and that you just gave up.
Wait, are saying there's something wrong with me?>>3914
Oh, I remember you. I was the internet psychologist who was fucking around with you for the fun of it. Sorry I guess. I barely remember it. Does that thread even exist anymore? Anyway, i'm glad to hear that you're content now. I think the whole, "i'm asexual, but I like to masturbate occasionally", thing rubbed me the wrong way. It's one thing to not be interested in a relationship, but it's another to not be interested in the opposite sex. Maybe i'm remembering it wrong.
So you're the dude who posted >>3909
It was more of the tone that I got from the post more than anything else that got me. And what I said to Doll-anon applies to you to, I no longer see any issue with people who are content with being alone or merely preferring to do things alone. I'm just not going to project my wants onto other people.
Plus, he already said that he was content with his life the whole time. Basically it was us and I think one other anon badgering him about his lack of a sex life. Not that I was in a better position since most I've ever gone with a girl was being forced to touch a boob (by said girl every Thursday my circle of friends would grope each other and the girl just wanted me to participate) and a kiss on the lips.
And anyways, that thread is long gone. All my Risky Boots posting is gone forever.
>>3917>So you're the dude who posted
Yep. People are always saying that they don't like the way that I say things. Being really harsh and untactful is cathartic for me, so I guess you can call it a bad habit. >Basically it was us and I think one other anon badgering him about his lack of a sex life.
Yeah, that's the thing. It seems out-of-character for me to just start berating somebody for their lack of and lack of desire for relationships. I myself don't have any interest in that stuff. Are you sure he didn't say something along the lines of, "i'm asexual", or, "I don't even want to have sex"? Maybe I myself have changed since that thread. >most I've ever gone with a girl was being forced to touch a boob (by said girl every Thursday my circle of friends would grope each other and the girl just wanted me to participate) and a kiss on the lips.
wut>And anyways, that thread is long gone.
I still don't know what the deal was with that script kiddie, "hacker", faggot.
You know, that monster girl thread I posted a while back didn't get anywhere and that kind of bums me out.
I take you never had the kind of outright bizarre friends I had. I still remember when I first met this hardcore Naruto fan who was actually talking about chakra. Being a person who usually just goes with the flow, I would just ask him about all the crazy shit he was talking about. He turned out to be pretty cool, actually, I think he wanted to be a rapper too. He must not care for social media because after finally saying, "Fuck it, I'll just get a FB" I haven't found him yet.
Groping Thursdays was just the beginning of the weirdness. It was kinda weird when she forced me to touch her, she was on the chubby side and so she had some massive breasts and silly old me acted like some pure hearted anime male protag. I wonder if that's some sort of fetish for some women? Likely is.
But I'm going off the rails here, "hacker" in my 2017 thread? Wait, if it was you Armchair Doctor, Doll-anon, Me aka Monster Girl faggot/guy who was obsessed with sex but also scared to fuck because "broken home" and mommy issues (which I got over)/OP, Kibbles, some chick, plus that other guy, then this "hacker" faggot must of been after I left the thread.
I remember someone who was saying that sex was for degenerates but he was kinda shut down. The hacker kid sounds funny.
I just got a job, maybe not all is lost for me.
Where do you find the time to compile this information about people when you could be doing literally anything else? Most of the time I can't even keep my own life straight since it's gotten so messed up. I am legitimately curious.
The time I spend pursuing through the interwebs is the same time that I spend compiling info because all of that shit stays in my head. All of it. Finding pics and stuff like that when I need them is the easiest part. I don't need to go out of my way to research. I just find stuff. Browsing is what I spend almost all of my free time doing. Everybody has free time, right? I play piano and exercise sure, but sucking up info on other people is what I love doing most. You know, it's weird. I remember all of the random little things that happen to me and other people, but I can't remember dates or names to save my life. I guess that just shows what my brain values the most. If I could I would just forgo my physical body and spend every second floating into houses and buildings, watching people and thinking about things forever. No eating, no sleeping, no worries.
>>3960>all of that shit stays in my head. All of it.
I don't usually recall everything I read on the internet with that level of detail. I love your mind
I remember ideas, people and locations with perfect clarity, but i'm not a word for word kind of guy in the long term. My lack of attention to and retention of FINE detail is why i'm mediocre at math. I used to draw, but my process was torturous, so I lost interest. Painstakingly putting every line that I see in front of me onto paper(which was the only way I knew how to do it) was just too draining. I envy people with photographic memory. They're like superhumans or something.
That's how I and pretty much all the people taking drawing classes learned how to draw. Once you've drawn something enough times you can redraw it without it in front of you.
If you have a good 3D understanding of the object and what it looks like when it turns in space then you can invent drawings for such an object, though they won't be hyper-realistic given the nature of how they were made. You can fudge it a little. Generally speaking, though, you get this understanding by copying the lines of the object in several positions.
Face is good but the cap's perspective is completely off.
I'm sure your art is way better.
Hmm, you haven't seen the actual pig though. I'll make a pic of it for the angle I tried to draw. >>3967
Oi, I appreciate criticism. Open discussion creates a better environment. For all you know, anon could do better.
I appreciate your appreciation of criticism (unlike some other pissy defensive people we'll have around) but in absolute terms I don't need to see the object to say that the hat is off, as it's physically impossible for an object with a round base to be perched on a curved surface at that angle and not fall off. If the drawing is true to life, it means the piggy bank is badly sculpted, which is a whole different issue.
Damn. Did you at least contribute to any of the 4chan mgqp threads? >>3969
Keep in mind that I drew this pig over the course of multiple days. I tried to keep the angle consistent, but those things are prone to error. This was close to the end of my, "artistic career", so I was pretty burnt out at this point and couldn't muster the patience to draw the whole thing in one sitting.
Let's see, I think the last time I posted in any of the MGQ threads that was at least four years ago. I remember because shortly after getting my current job I had quit imageboards for like two or three years. And when I was posting on 4chan on a regular basis, it was for /vg/'s monster girl quest general, along with /co/.
Nowadays, I try not to spend too much time there, but 8/monster/ is the only other board I frequent now besides Uboa and Sushigirl. And with /monster/, I just funpost with very little personal griping and ranting because ranting about your issues isn't possible when there are monster waifus to discuss. Not to mention on boards like that MGQ is old hat now, last I heard Grape-kun died with his waifu and that's one of the latest bits of news for monster girl fans.
>>3972>Not to mention on boards like that MGQ is old hat now
How could it be old hat? You do know that toro toro is making a new sequel/spin-off trilogy called monster girl quest paradox, right? >Grape-kun
I did kinda forget about that. I should be keeping up with that. I just assumed it wasn't a big deal since /monster/ usually stickys any major release like they did with the Monster Musume anime.
Grape-kun was a penguin who was abandoned by his mate in a zoo, and he grew attached to a character from an anime, I think it was called Kemono Friends. They put the penguin girl cutout in there and Grape-kun would spend as much time as he could near it, even after the other characters were taken down Grape-kun got to keep her. So a lot of people said he had a waifu that wouldn't hurt him. The whole story is a weird mix of cute and sad.
>>3975>Grape-kun was a penguin who was abandoned by his mate in a zoo
I thought his mate had died?
I'm learning right now the downfalls of turning academia into an extended adolescence. It's too easy to coast along for 8 years and come out not knowing what you want to do with your life. I have to find a job soon now but this shirt is intimidating. My medical and mental problems aren't helping.>>2958
The Japanese are far from immune to the effects of globalism. The country has consistently chosen to remain protectionist and adverse to immigration. We are now starting to see the cracks in that strategy. The government is drowning in debt. The pool of taxpaying adults continues to shrink as the number of retirees grows, adding further burden to the country's infrastructure while simultaneously reducing the capacity to keep things running.
Before I die I want to travel to Japan to see as much of it as possible before things start rapidly declining or collapsing. No doubt the resulting military government won't tolerate soaplands or H dojinshi.
Part 1 is already fully translated, so you should get on that. I recommend the illias route.
I haven't been to uboachan in I think at least 6 years. Hello old friends.
Been a hikki on and off (mostly on) for about 8 years now. Chances are I might be getting a steady job soon. In retail. Out on the sales floor. Ahh I'm terrified… I wish I could have kept my old photo lab job. I was only there for a short time but I was in my own little room with two other employees maximum, far away from customers. It was nice.
I'm scared that once I get this, my brain will become too busy and I won't be able to remember my dreams anymore. That I'll be too tired to create new things. I should have used all these years to make my own fangame…
What game? Have you released any info we could preview? It's always interesting to see new fangames.
Fuck this post, Doll-anon, rereading this was a shitty cop-out post. I need to become a better poster and get my real point across from the get-go from now on.
I have a tendency to really think about posts that stick out to me on imageboards. I remember that thread a lot better now and my intentions. I'm not making this post out of anger, this is honestly more for me. I should respect you enough to not just give you some half-assed "I'm sorry bruh". It felt really shitty for me.
When I saw that first post saying that you was you never had sex and never would, it made me think that you wanted it but eventually gave up. It was the reason why in the mist of me avatarfagging and ranting about my own issues I pointed out that I felt that you likely wanted sex more than you let on. It's true that the discussion was more focused on sex, but each post I just saw a general theme, and it was pretty much confirmed with >>3914
. I focused a little too much on sex and monster girl meme shit but you just come off as someone with little passion or drive. I mean, I still remember the pastebin you posted as well, it all came off as someone who was too fucking distant. I know this personally because I often did the same shit to people, especially when I was much younger. You mentioned projection, but projection is common when someone sees another people that mirrors them pretty closely. I projected a lot because I saw similarities between us, people are not that unique, really.
Now maybe you are a lot more social now, in which case, the discussion no longer applies. Maybe you are satisfied with just a shallow social circle and a daily grind that is littered with small distractions like vidya games and anime, but that just sounds like settling to me. Forget having sex and getting a girlfriend, or using your own example, owning a tank for that matter, your general attitude is what worried me and wanted to help you.
I'm not going to say that you can magically get anything you want, but just shrugging your shoulders like adorable Renge-chan isn't the solution either. But this post isn't about solutions or even to help you because I'm done helping people who didn't ask for help or throws out advice or ideas. Which brings me to the actual thread this whole discussion started on;
I was not clear in my intentions for the thread. And actually I want to have another thread for 2018, so venting my thoughts will prevent the overflow into the next thread. It was a thread for talking about new years goals, and I envisioned the thread to be a thread where anyone, whether that was me, you, Kibbles, anyone could be RESPECTFULLY called out for potential bullshit attitudes. I see that you feel like we "have problems with how we view the other sex". I would have loved to have heard how I have problem with women. Maybe you could have enlightened me, and I don't mean that sarcastically. I really mean that. You could have told this monster girl faggot what his problem is and to stop being a little bitch about his daddy not being around maybe not that insulting, you get the idea
. A little whining is good, it gets the emotions out and lets you think of solutions too.
All in all, I'm happy for you, and is that post about the job yours? Awesome if it is. But I will say that I would love it if you posted on the next thread. And if you don't, whatever, that's fine too. I don't hate you because I wrote this wall of text. Most of the post, again was for me so I won't drive myself crazy about writing this post. That and my laptop for rants is locked up.I just spent all this time over an ancient discussion, I really need a fucking good video game and jack off session, goddamn
Yeah well, I think you just went from having one complex to having another one. Going from being excessively defensive and opinionated to excessively apologetic and self-deprecating isn't that much of a step up. To me complaining = asking for help. That's just my standard and i'm going to stick to it and believe in my own ideals. If you bitch about anything to other people ever, they have the complete right to give whatever advice they feel is would help. If you don't want poeple to do this, don't complain to them. People shouldn't expect others to tell them what they want to hear when they invite themselves to be spoken to. Basically I don't think you did anything wrong. If doll-anon was truly hurt by your words then there was many ways for them to disengage from the conversation. Have a good day and please stop belittling yourself.
>I just spent all this time over an ancient discussion
Now I feel like a silent therapist of sorts, like that midget in the willy wonka movie.
Basically, what >>4025
says. Chill out.
When I realized things weren't going anywhere I stepped out the topic. My posting on the conversation wasn't so much a complaint but just a "This is my case and things don't necessarily have to be the way you guys think". Then it was dismissed and the point derailed into a topic I had no problems with. No need to worry about it so much, I've been on imageboards long enough to engage in many retarded discussions of every sort, so it's not like it killed me inside or anything like that.
>Now maybe you are a lot more social now, in which case, the discussion no longer applies. Maybe you are satisfied with just a shallow social circle and a daily grind that is littered with small distractions like vidya games and anime, but that just sounds like settling to me. Forget having sex and getting a girlfriend, or using your own example, owning a tank for that matter, your general attitude is what worried me and wanted to help you.
Some time when I was a pre-teen (maybe slightly before, I can't tell), I realized there was a gap between me and most of the people I knew. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean I was a special snowflake of some sorts, it's just that I couldn't understand people and I felt like they were at the other side of a deep chasm. I engaged on my own interests while neglecting socialization and I came to appreciate my time in solitude, where I could do as I pleased. I've grown up practically living like this, so now that I actually know some people who happen to share those interests I simply talk them out and engage in the socialization I neglected for all these years, since these people happen to have one of their feet on this side of the chasm.
I still have some little problems, yes; for example, I notice I change when around people, I tend to do very silly jokes and put on a childish attitude for the sake of joking, and sometimes I don't like how I act. Some part of me inside is calling me out for being too extrovert. But I don't think that is bad at all, it's just that it's new, and my brain is too overwhelmed with all the new activity. Old habits are hard to break, after all, and years joking on imageboards about normies certainly push my thoughts from time to time, but the important thing here is that I can identify these retarded thoughts as what they are. So all in all I don't feel problems with having shallow circles and small distractions and can manage it well. Which is why I fail to see why this settling is bad at all. It's just an alternative point of view of how happiness works. It works for me, at least.
>I'm not going to say that you can magically get anything you want, but just shrugging your shoulders like adorable Renge-chan isn't the solution either.
A solution solves a problem. What is the problem you see here, exactly? Neglecting parts of life people generally agree are needed for finding happiness? Disregarding experiences because they don't really tingle enough inside me? I'm honestly interested.
>All in all, I'm happy for you, and is that post about the job yours? Awesome if it is.
No, it's not mine. It's really mind-blowing how much time studying needs, and I don't think I could handle working and studying at the same time. Or at least, at the pace I'm going through right now, maybe if I lowered the number of curses I take at the same time I could.
>But I will say that I would love it if you posted on the next thread. And if you don't, whatever, that's fine too.
I generally post in every single thread on this imageboard. Generally, unless the topic doesn't really interest me (generally /dreams/ and some /og/ games).
>>4025>Stop belittling yourself
One habit I want to break, my early rants used to be in that belittling style.
Ugh, that's what I wanted to avoid. I recently decided that I was just going to be apologetically me, because in general I'm not a bad person so why the fuck am I saying sorry a thousand times a day?>>4026>Chill out.
Completely unrelated to rest of the post, but I'm pretty calm now. Slept way better knowing I was more concise with my point and of course was much more honest and upfront. That said, long emotional spiels like that are why I make private journals for me to bitch and be as nonsensical or whatever if need be. Then I think way clearer.
>A solution solves a problem. What is the problem you see here, exactly? Neglecting parts of life people generally agree are needed for finding happiness? Disregarding experiences because they don't really tingle enough inside me? I'm honestly interested.
A little of both I guess, but those kinda goes back to the to fact that if I feel that someone is being indifferent to something that is somewhat important because I at this point in time, I feel that my indifference to a number of things messed up certain elements of my life. Plus, I feel like if I'm not improving in some way, then I'm just stagnating. So if I see that in someone, I really hope they at least make baby steps for a better life. But it's more than just you though, in real life I have a younger brother making similar mistakes I made. Of course, he won't listen to anybody, I didn't mention that because, not relevant but I guess it kinda is since it relates to how I view problems. Indifference and the regret or problems that often come from is just something I see in myself and other people and it annoys me.
My job training starts soon. I had to get a job eventually but I really just want to curl up in a ball and stay in my room.>>4013
I haven't released anything yet, sorry. What I'm hoping to make someday is a cute low poly game packed full of dreams which I've had over the course of my life. Even after such a long time I can still remember a lot of them to varying degrees.
So far I have character designs and some rudimentary location sketches and a massive rough draft map linking the areas together. My biggest hurdle which I have yet to overcome is that I have no idea how to "accurately" fill up explorable areas of locations which I never went to when I was dreaming. I was originally hoping it would be 100% dream content with no filler/made up content just for the game, but since that won't be possible I'll just have to figure something else out and deal with it.
Once I seriously start making progress I'll most likely talk about it here.
im learning several programming languages. i want to be able to read and write basic things in practically all languages there are, i am studying 12 languages more in depth because i like their paradigms syntax niche uses etc a lot, and a final language as my swiss army knife with all its libraries etc.
next year ill go to an university and get a bs in applied math with a minors in pure. ill be taking a lot of electives. classes from neural networks, bayesian inference and ai to information, model and automata theories to algebraic topology and differential geometry to algorithms II and algebraic graph theory, i think its a really cool course.
then ill get a ms in cryptography and a phd in information security. during my ms im planning to focus almost exclusively on cryptology so i can be very good at it. then learn more practical things during my phd, and other things i didnt get to learn before then.
also im learning 4 human languages. maybe ill pick a couple more with time depending on my progress.
im addicted to studying, i spend all day reading, when i wake up i hurry to my computer to read pdfs, when i go to bed i think about what i learned today until i fall asleep. i dont do anything else anymore, i dont watch anime or read manga or play games or masturbate or listen to music. every day is reading all alone. this will be my life for 10 or so years. its an extremely frugal and repetitive lifestyle, i eat the exact same meals every single day. like grinding in a rpg.
i had a very agonizing first two decades of life, in the past couple of years ive experienced more things than in my whole life before, im experiencing a lot of things for the first time, its like im just born. im finally free to be myself. the best years of life are gone, if i could start over id have gotten into computers as early as possible and do nothing but study and study every day like im doing now. its like living the childhood i didnt get to live. i dont think theres a point in even trying anymore, i have no expectations of success but im doing it anyways. im extremely happy. my life is a mess and im against overwhelming odds but if everything is up to me then i think im going to make it and ill be really outstanding at what i do.
and i want to never again talk to anyone. i want to spend the rest of my life all alone with computers.
I've gone full schizo but I refuse to seek medical help because I'm scared. I think I might have some kind of disorder where psychosis is the major symptom. Could be worse, though.