/hikki/ - NEET / Advice

>>3907
My friends are kind of just like that. we basically read every particular horrible piece of fanfiction/ written prose we can find on group calls and it's god damn nightmarish. You haven't lived until you balanced gagging and laughing hysterically in equal measure for 30 minutes straight.
seriously, i would highly recommend trying it sometime with whoever's available

>>3906
What the hell are you talking about? Every word you just typed makes no sense to me. It's like a tapestry of gibberish. I don't need other people to be happy. I have my own hobbies and all the emotional stimulation I could ever need is in books, shows, videos and games. Whatever this, "apathy", you talk about seems to afflict people who can't be satisfied with themselves."If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company".

>>3909
Oh, I understand that! There are plenty of people who are fine with solitude- in fact, I was at my worst when I'd only just begun to associate with others. But there are a lot of people in this thread, it seems, who crave that closeness with another and don't seem to think it's possible for them, so… this was addressed more at them than any trueborn hermits.

I don't doubt that there are a lot of born hermits here, but there also seem to be many stuck in hikkimode purely through the weight of depression and its lethargy. Like, tons of them in this thread, and those are the kinds of people who could benefit from more love and tenderness, I think. …As an aside, though, I feel as though at this point I'd be quite content with being alone if my online friends happened to go away suddenly, vanish into nothing without it being my burden- They made the solitude I spend many of my hours in a comfortable one where I no longer cower from my own thoughts. Reclusiveness and depression do seem to be capable of independence from one another although one can be born of another at the same time. Strange thing!

>>3909
Doll-anon… is that you? If not nevermind.

>>3911
If you are referring to me, then no, but I'm still around, although I don't discuss my shit anymore. I seem to receive a lot of projection in the replies/people telling me what I do is wrong and should change, even though I'm happy as things are right now, and in the end I just get really tired trying to tell them I'm not justifying my things just because I don't agree with their view of the world.

I've been able to get a better relationship with my classmates and although I sill don't have friends I have people who I can talk with in class who also share some interests with me. I haven't been able to get a job as I wanted because college is eating all my time.

>>3912
Well, I'm glad you're okay, when I read that post, I got worried that maybe things took a turn for the worse and that you just gave up.

>I seem to receive a lot of projection in the replies/people telling me what I do is wrong and should change, even though I'm happy as things are right now

It's funny you mentioned that, I've started to just rant and type out how I feel offline in a word processor just to avoid random people's opinions. But that's because I wanted to get my emotional responses out so I can later talk about problems whether IRL or on imageboards.

We may not see eye to eye on things, but again, pretty happy that things are going up for you.

>>3913
The way I see it, there is nothing wrong with not minding being alone. Company is like alcohol, I don't drink it even though I like wine (and too much of it can suffocate me). It's like having a jeep, it would be nice, but it's not like I don't enjoy walking. When I go to sleep I think about my interests, problems or whatever just as other people, but I don't sigh at the thought of not having a partner because, why?

The problem last time seemed to be that people misunderstood what I said and assumed that I either consciously or unconsciously wished or desired for something they themselves were craving in the first place. How come I don't really want a share of the treasure when everybody would kill each other for a share of it? Their justification being, sex. Sure, sex may be nice and whatever, but I also wish I had a tank and I don't go about posting on imageboards about how depressing my life is for not having a 5-ton vehicle with a 75mm cannon. Obsessing over it is just… I don't know, pointless, don't you think? On a related note, my sexual drive has increased the last year, so I think my lack of it before was a hormone problem. But I still hold my views about it. It'd be nice, just like a panzer, but there are dozens of doujin there as well, so, why worry?
And when I mentioned I thought women where something out-worldly when I was 13? Fuck, all the people with problems with their views of the other sex went on with some sort of "You are afraid of women and you need help NOW". I speak with girls all right, I was pointing out just why I was shy back then and didn't relate too much with anyone and my lack of experience with how courting even works, and probably why I have so little interest on it. Maybe that did affect the way I think right now, but I have a girl sitting next to me on numerical analysis and she and other 3 guys are pretty much the only people I talk with during that class, so… what's the deal?
In the end, it was pretty much me getting tired of even discussing it. It felt like I was an adolescent trying to justify his behaviour to his parents, and they'd dismiss all he said no matter what. That actually was more annoying than helping, so I just decided to shut up and that's been about it, pretty much.

>>3914
Well, I don't know your situation beyond what happened in that thread and your follow up posts in this one but at least for me, I have land that I would like to pass on so the work me and my family did to get it doesn't go in vain. There's a chance that they might fuck that up but at least give them a chance to continue that legacy. I might be a weirdo who jacks off a lot, wants sex toys like some freak, and all that shit but I do have a lot of pressure from my family and while I don't like that pressure I eventually have to produce a child to keep that land in the family. I'm open to adoption now but as it stands the easiest way to do that is to find a loving partner who can give me a child and also help me with the work I have here. Plus baby making sounds fun to me.

And admittedly, even I, the monster girl faggot was projecting onto you looking back on it. You weren't even criticizing me for my life choices. That's one thing that has changed with me, just because I deal with a high sex drive and enjoy having other people involved with a lot of things I do (not just sex related though, not interested in orgies) doesn't mean that my way is the only way. My problem back then was idealism, I had in my head an ideal view of how things should be.

And when it comes down to it, there really is nothing wrong with being content with being alone. Or not being focused on sex/reproducing for that matter. I could have sworn I had apologized in that thread but I am sorry for how I treated you.

>>3913
>I got worried that maybe things took a turn for the worse and that you just gave up.
Wait, are saying there's something wrong with me?
>>3914
Oh, I remember you. I was the internet psychologist who was fucking around with you for the fun of it. Sorry I guess. I barely remember it. Does that thread even exist anymore? Anyway, i'm glad to hear that you're content now. I think the whole, "i'm asexual, but I like to masturbate occasionally", thing rubbed me the wrong way. It's one thing to not be interested in a relationship, but it's another to not be interested in the opposite sex. Maybe i'm remembering it wrong.

>>3916
So you're the dude who posted >>3909?

It was more of the tone that I got from the post more than anything else that got me. And what I said to Doll-anon applies to you to, I no longer see any issue with people who are content with being alone or merely preferring to do things alone. I'm just not going to project my wants onto other people.

Plus, he already said that he was content with his life the whole time. Basically it was us and I think one other anon badgering him about his lack of a sex life. Not that I was in a better position since most I've ever gone with a girl was being forced to touch a boob (by said girl every Thursday my circle of friends would grope each other and the girl just wanted me to participate) and a kiss on the lips.

And anyways, that thread is long gone. All my Risky Boots posting is gone forever.

>>3917
>So you're the dude who posted
Yep. People are always saying that they don't like the way that I say things. Being really harsh and untactful is cathartic for me, so I guess you can call it a bad habit.
>Basically it was us and I think one other anon badgering him about his lack of a sex life.
Yeah, that's the thing. It seems out-of-character for me to just start berating somebody for their lack of and lack of desire for relationships. I myself don't have any interest in that stuff. Are you sure he didn't say something along the lines of, "i'm asexual", or, "I don't even want to have sex"? Maybe I myself have changed since that thread.
>most I've ever gone with a girl was being forced to touch a boob (by said girl every Thursday my circle of friends would grope each other and the girl just wanted me to participate) and a kiss on the lips.
wut
>And anyways, that thread is long gone.
I still don't know what the deal was with that script kiddie, "hacker", faggot.
You know, that monster girl thread I posted a while back didn't get anywhere and that kind of bums me out.

>>3918
>Wut?
I take you never had the kind of outright bizarre friends I had. I still remember when I first met this hardcore Naruto fan who was actually talking about chakra. Being a person who usually just goes with the flow, I would just ask him about all the crazy shit he was talking about. He turned out to be pretty cool, actually, I think he wanted to be a rapper too. He must not care for social media because after finally saying, "Fuck it, I'll just get a FB" I haven't found him yet.

Groping Thursdays was just the beginning of the weirdness. It was kinda weird when she forced me to touch her, she was on the chubby side and so she had some massive breasts and silly old me acted like some pure hearted anime male protag. I wonder if that's some sort of fetish for some women? Likely is.

But I'm going off the rails here, "hacker" in my 2017 thread? Wait, if it was you Armchair Doctor, Doll-anon, Me aka Monster Girl faggot/guy who was obsessed with sex but also scared to fuck because "broken home" and mommy issues (which I got over)/OP, Kibbles, some chick, plus that other guy, then this "hacker" faggot must of been after I left the thread.

I remember someone who was saying that sex was for degenerates but he was kinda shut down. The hacker kid sounds funny.

>>3919
Nah, he didn't post in the actual thread. A couple months ago(when you were not using ubuu I presume), some kid posted a thread on /hikki/ complaining about how he can't get his life together because he keeps spending his money on black male prostitutes. He was promptly banned. A week after that some guy(who I think is that kid) started spamming /hikki/ with countless threads with some gore image and advertisements for the shitty website of some hacker group. The admins cleaned all of it up, but most of /hikki/ was deleted in the process.

I just got a job, maybe not all is lost for me.

>>3957
Where do you find the time to compile this information about people when you could be doing literally anything else? Most of the time I can't even keep my own life straight since it's gotten so messed up. I am legitimately curious.

>>3958
The time I spend pursuing through the interwebs is the same time that I spend compiling info because all of that shit stays in my head. All of it. Finding pics and stuff like that when I need them is the easiest part. I don't need to go out of my way to research. I just find stuff. Browsing is what I spend almost all of my free time doing. Everybody has free time, right? I play piano and exercise sure, but sucking up info on other people is what I love doing most. You know, it's weird. I remember all of the random little things that happen to me and other people, but I can't remember dates or names to save my life. I guess that just shows what my brain values the most. If I could I would just forgo my physical body and spend every second floating into houses and buildings, watching people and thinking about things forever. No eating, no sleeping, no worries.

>>3960
>all of that shit stays in my head. All of it.
I don't usually recall everything I read on the internet with that level of detail. I love your mind

>>3961
I remember ideas, people and locations with perfect clarity, but i'm not a word for word kind of guy in the long term. My lack of attention to and retention of FINE detail is why i'm mediocre at math. I used to draw, but my process was torturous, so I lost interest. Painstakingly putting every line that I see in front of me onto paper(which was the only way I knew how to do it) was just too draining. I envy people with photographic memory. They're like superhumans or something.

>>3962
That's how I and pretty much all the people taking drawing classes learned how to draw. Once you've drawn something enough times you can redraw it without it in front of you.

If you have a good 3D understanding of the object and what it looks like when it turns in space then you can invent drawings for such an object, though they won't be hyper-realistic given the nature of how they were made. You can fudge it a little. Generally speaking, though, you get this understanding by copying the lines of the object in several positions.

>>3963
My Art teacher in high school always said that I wasn't making, "real art", because my hyper-realistic, masochistic approach nauseated her. I got pretty good at doing cups and chess pieces without a reference before I lost interest. I never figured out textures, shininess and again, fine detail. Those three things always eluded me. I never even managed to finish a human, though I did start a few. My greatest feat was drawing the face, ears and hat of porcelain piggy bank(exactly like pic, but with scholar cap) which I intended to finish but never got around to. People who saw it said that my drawing had more life to it than the actual pig.

>>3965

Face is good but the cap's perspective is completely off.

>>3966
I'm sure your art is way better.

>>3966
Hmm, you haven't seen the actual pig though. I'll make a pic of it for the angle I tried to draw.
>>3967
Oi, I appreciate criticism. Open discussion creates a better environment. For all you know, anon could do better.

>>3968

I appreciate your appreciation of criticism (unlike some other pissy defensive people we'll have around) but in absolute terms I don't need to see the object to say that the hat is off, as it's physically impossible for an object with a round base to be perched on a curved surface at that angle and not fall off. If the drawing is true to life, it means the piggy bank is badly sculpted, which is a whole different issue.

I got to say, you got an amazing ability, you got three out of four posts right. That first one is not mine, not shitting you, I wasn't posting about MGQ during July of 2017.

But I am a monster girl faggot who wants sex toys to stick his dick in and I used to obsess over creating a broken family but I still would like to become a father. I made a post a while back on another thread about how I am getting over my mommy issues when I made a post learning that I made a post like six months ago about how I hated single mothers but I had stopped being so mad about it.

tl;dr I'm a degenerate faggot and you're a pretty good shitposting analyst.

>>3970
Damn. Did you at least contribute to any of the 4chan mgqp threads?
>>3969
Keep in mind that I drew this pig over the course of multiple days. I tried to keep the angle consistent, but those things are prone to error. This was close to the end of my, "artistic career", so I was pretty burnt out at this point and couldn't muster the patience to draw the whole thing in one sitting.

>>3971
Let's see, I think the last time I posted in any of the MGQ threads that was at least four years ago. I remember because shortly after getting my current job I had quit imageboards for like two or three years. And when I was posting on 4chan on a regular basis, it was for /vg/'s monster girl quest general, along with /co/.

Nowadays, I try not to spend too much time there, but 8/monster/ is the only other board I frequent now besides Uboa and Sushigirl. And with /monster/, I just funpost with very little personal griping and ranting because ranting about your issues isn't possible when there are monster waifus to discuss. Not to mention on boards like that MGQ is old hat now, last I heard Grape-kun died with his waifu and that's one of the latest bits of news for monster girl fans.

>>3972
>Not to mention on boards like that MGQ is old hat now
How could it be old hat? You do know that toro toro is making a new sequel/spin-off trilogy called monster girl quest paradox, right?
>Grape-kun
Who?

>>3973
>MGQ spinoff
I did kinda forget about that. I should be keeping up with that. I just assumed it wasn't a big deal since /monster/ usually stickys any major release like they did with the Monster Musume anime.

Grape-kun was a penguin who was abandoned by his mate in a zoo, and he grew attached to a character from an anime, I think it was called Kemono Friends. They put the penguin girl cutout in there and Grape-kun would spend as much time as he could near it, even after the other characters were taken down Grape-kun got to keep her. So a lot of people said he had a waifu that wouldn't hurt him. The whole story is a weird mix of cute and sad.

>>3975
>Grape-kun was a penguin who was abandoned by his mate in a zoo
I thought his mate had died?

I'm learning right now the downfalls of turning academia into an extended adolescence. It's too easy to coast along for 8 years and come out not knowing what you want to do with your life. I have to find a job soon now but this shirt is intimidating. My medical and mental problems aren't helping.

>>2958
The Japanese are far from immune to the effects of globalism. The country has consistently chosen to remain protectionist and adverse to immigration. We are now starting to see the cracks in that strategy. The government is drowning in debt. The pool of taxpaying adults continues to shrink as the number of retirees grows, adding further burden to the country's infrastructure while simultaneously reducing the capacity to keep things running.

Before I die I want to travel to Japan to see as much of it as possible before things start rapidly declining or collapsing. No doubt the resulting military government won't tolerate soaplands or H dojinshi.

>>3975
Part 1 is already fully translated, so you should get on that. I recommend the illias route.

I haven't been to uboachan in I think at least 6 years. Hello old friends.

Been a hikki on and off (mostly on) for about 8 years now. Chances are I might be getting a steady job soon. In retail. Out on the sales floor. Ahh I'm terrified… I wish I could have kept my old photo lab job. I was only there for a short time but I was in my own little room with two other employees maximum, far away from customers. It was nice.

I'm scared that once I get this, my brain will become too busy and I won't be able to remember my dreams anymore. That I'll be too tired to create new things. I should have used all these years to make my own fangame…

>>4010
What game? Have you released any info we could preview? It's always interesting to see new fangames.

>>3915
Fuck this post, Doll-anon, rereading this was a shitty cop-out post. I need to become a better poster and get my real point across from the get-go from now on.

I have a tendency to really think about posts that stick out to me on imageboards. I remember that thread a lot better now and my intentions. I'm not making this post out of anger, this is honestly more for me. I should respect you enough to not just give you some half-assed "I'm sorry bruh". It felt really shitty for me.

When I saw that first post saying that you was you never had sex and never would, it made me think that you wanted it but eventually gave up. It was the reason why in the mist of me avatarfagging and ranting about my own issues I pointed out that I felt that you likely wanted sex more than you let on. It's true that the discussion was more focused on sex, but each post I just saw a general theme, and it was pretty much confirmed with >>3914. I focused a little too much on sex and monster girl meme shit but you just come off as someone with little passion or drive. I mean, I still remember the pastebin you posted as well, it all came off as someone who was too fucking distant. I know this personally because I often did the same shit to people, especially when I was much younger. You mentioned projection, but projection is common when someone sees another people that mirrors them pretty closely. I projected a lot because I saw similarities between us, people are not that unique, really.

Now maybe you are a lot more social now, in which case, the discussion no longer applies. Maybe you are satisfied with just a shallow social circle and a daily grind that is littered with small distractions like vidya games and anime, but that just sounds like settling to me. Forget having sex and getting a girlfriend, or using your own example, owning a tank for that matter, your general attitude is what worried me and wanted to help you.

I'm not going to say that you can magically get anything you want, but just shrugging your shoulders like adorable Renge-chan isn't the solution either. But this post isn't about solutions or even to help you because I'm done helping people who didn't ask for help or throws out advice or ideas. Which brings me to the actual thread this whole discussion started on;

I was not clear in my intentions for the thread. And actually I want to have another thread for 2018, so venting my thoughts will prevent the overflow into the next thread. It was a thread for talking about new years goals, and I envisioned the thread to be a thread where anyone, whether that was me, you, Kibbles, anyone could be RESPECTFULLY called out for potential bullshit attitudes. I see that you feel like we "have problems with how we view the other sex". I would have loved to have heard how I have problem with women. Maybe you could have enlightened me, and I don't mean that sarcastically. I really mean that. You could have told this monster girl faggot what his problem is and to stop being a little bitch about his daddy not being around maybe not that insulting, you get the idea. A little whining is good, it gets the emotions out and lets you think of solutions too.

All in all, I'm happy for you, and is that post about the job yours? Awesome if it is. But I will say that I would love it if you posted on the next thread. And if you don't, whatever, that's fine too. I don't hate you because I wrote this wall of text. Most of the post, again was for me so I won't drive myself crazy about writing this post. That and my laptop for rants is locked up.

I just spent all this time over an ancient discussion, I really need a fucking good video game and jack off session, goddamn

>>4024
Yeah well, I think you just went from having one complex to having another one. Going from being excessively defensive and opinionated to excessively apologetic and self-deprecating isn't that much of a step up. To me complaining = asking for help. That's just my standard and i'm going to stick to it and believe in my own ideals. If you bitch about anything to other people ever, they have the complete right to give whatever advice they feel is would help. If you don't want poeple to do this, don't complain to them. People shouldn't expect others to tell them what they want to hear when they invite themselves to be spoken to. Basically I don't think you did anything wrong. If doll-anon was truly hurt by your words then there was many ways for them to disengage from the conversation. Have a good day and please stop belittling yourself.

>I just spent all this time over an ancient discussion
Now I feel like a silent therapist of sorts, like that midget in the willy wonka movie.

Basically, what >>4025 says. Chill out.
When I realized things weren't going anywhere I stepped out the topic. My posting on the conversation wasn't so much a complaint but just a "This is my case and things don't necessarily have to be the way you guys think". Then it was dismissed and the point derailed into a topic I had no problems with. No need to worry about it so much, I've been on imageboards long enough to engage in many retarded discussions of every sort, so it's not like it killed me inside or anything like that.

>Now maybe you are a lot more social now, in which case, the discussion no longer applies. Maybe you are satisfied with just a shallow social circle and a daily grind that is littered with small distractions like vidya games and anime, but that just sounds like settling to me. Forget having sex and getting a girlfriend, or using your own example, owning a tank for that matter, your general attitude is what worried me and wanted to help you.
Some time when I was a pre-teen (maybe slightly before, I can't tell), I realized there was a gap between me and most of the people I knew. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean I was a special snowflake of some sorts, it's just that I couldn't understand people and I felt like they were at the other side of a deep chasm. I engaged on my own interests while neglecting socialization and I came to appreciate my time in solitude, where I could do as I pleased. I've grown up practically living like this, so now that I actually know some people who happen to share those interests I simply talk them out and engage in the socialization I neglected for all these years, since these people happen to have one of their feet on this side of the chasm.
I still have some little problems, yes; for example, I notice I change when around people, I tend to do very silly jokes and put on a childish attitude for the sake of joking, and sometimes I don't like how I act. Some part of me inside is calling me out for being too extrovert. But I don't think that is bad at all, it's just that it's new, and my brain is too overwhelmed with all the new activity. Old habits are hard to break, after all, and years joking on imageboards about normies certainly push my thoughts from time to time, but the important thing here is that I can identify these retarded thoughts as what they are. So all in all I don't feel problems with having shallow circles and small distractions and can manage it well. Which is why I fail to see why this settling is bad at all. It's just an alternative point of view of how happiness works. It works for me, at least.

>I'm not going to say that you can magically get anything you want, but just shrugging your shoulders like adorable Renge-chan isn't the solution either.
A solution solves a problem. What is the problem you see here, exactly? Neglecting parts of life people generally agree are needed for finding happiness? Disregarding experiences because they don't really tingle enough inside me? I'm honestly interested.

>All in all, I'm happy for you, and is that post about the job yours? Awesome if it is.
No, it's not mine. It's really mind-blowing how much time studying needs, and I don't think I could handle working and studying at the same time. Or at least, at the pace I'm going through right now, maybe if I lowered the number of curses I take at the same time I could.

>But I will say that I would love it if you posted on the next thread. And if you don't, whatever, that's fine too.
I generally post in every single thread on this imageboard. Generally, unless the topic doesn't really interest me (generally /dreams/ and some /og/ games).

>>4025
>Stop belittling yourself
One habit I want to break, my early rants used to be in that belittling style.

>excessively apologetic
Ugh, that's what I wanted to avoid. I recently decided that I was just going to be apologetically me, because in general I'm not a bad person so why the fuck am I saying sorry a thousand times a day?

>>4026
>Chill out.
Completely unrelated to rest of the post, but I'm pretty calm now. Slept way better knowing I was more concise with my point and of course was much more honest and upfront. That said, long emotional spiels like that are why I make private journals for me to bitch and be as nonsensical or whatever if need be. Then I think way clearer.

>A solution solves a problem. What is the problem you see here, exactly? Neglecting parts of life people generally agree are needed for finding happiness? Disregarding experiences because they don't really tingle enough inside me? I'm honestly interested.

A little of both I guess, but those kinda goes back to the to fact that if I feel that someone is being indifferent to something that is somewhat important because I at this point in time, I feel that my indifference to a number of things messed up certain elements of my life. Plus, I feel like if I'm not improving in some way, then I'm just stagnating. So if I see that in someone, I really hope they at least make baby steps for a better life. But it's more than just you though, in real life I have a younger brother making similar mistakes I made. Of course, he won't listen to anybody, I didn't mention that because, not relevant but I guess it kinda is since it relates to how I view problems. Indifference and the regret or problems that often come from is just something I see in myself and other people and it annoys me.

My job training starts soon. I had to get a job eventually but I really just want to curl up in a ball and stay in my room.

>>4013
I haven't released anything yet, sorry. What I'm hoping to make someday is a cute low poly game packed full of dreams which I've had over the course of my life. Even after such a long time I can still remember a lot of them to varying degrees.

So far I have character designs and some rudimentary location sketches and a massive rough draft map linking the areas together. My biggest hurdle which I have yet to overcome is that I have no idea how to "accurately" fill up explorable areas of locations which I never went to when I was dreaming. I was originally hoping it would be 100% dream content with no filler/made up content just for the game, but since that won't be possible I'll just have to figure something else out and deal with it.

Once I seriously start making progress I'll most likely talk about it here.

im learning several programming languages. i want to be able to read and write basic things in practically all languages there are, i am studying 12 languages more in depth because i like their paradigms syntax niche uses etc a lot, and a final language as my swiss army knife with all its libraries etc.
next year ill go to an university and get a bs in applied math with a minors in pure. ill be taking a lot of electives. classes from neural networks, bayesian inference and ai to information, model and automata theories to algebraic topology and differential geometry to algorithms II and algebraic graph theory, i think its a really cool course.
then ill get a ms in cryptography and a phd in information security. during my ms im planning to focus almost exclusively on cryptology so i can be very good at it. then learn more practical things during my phd, and other things i didnt get to learn before then.
also im learning 4 human languages. maybe ill pick a couple more with time depending on my progress.
im addicted to studying, i spend all day reading, when i wake up i hurry to my computer to read pdfs, when i go to bed i think about what i learned today until i fall asleep. i dont do anything else anymore, i dont watch anime or read manga or play games or masturbate or listen to music. every day is reading all alone. this will be my life for 10 or so years. its an extremely frugal and repetitive lifestyle, i eat the exact same meals every single day. like grinding in a rpg.
i had a very agonizing first two decades of life, in the past couple of years ive experienced more things than in my whole life before, im experiencing a lot of things for the first time, its like im just born. im finally free to be myself. the best years of life are gone, if i could start over id have gotten into computers as early as possible and do nothing but study and study every day like im doing now. its like living the childhood i didnt get to live. i dont think theres a point in even trying anymore, i have no expectations of success but im doing it anyways. im extremely happy. my life is a mess and im against overwhelming odds but if everything is up to me then i think im going to make it and ill be really outstanding at what i do.
and i want to never again talk to anyone. i want to spend the rest of my life all alone with computers.

I've gone full schizo but I refuse to seek medical help because I'm scared. I think I might have some kind of disorder where psychosis is the major symptom. Could be worse, though.

>>6721
Whats your iq may i ask

>>6721
i have the same kind of ambition to study as many things as possible, but unlike you, i'm not very good at doing it. I wish you success with that.

I suppose having my story out here once is better than not. I am a neet/hikki, haven't left my house for months, and when I do leave its for small trips or food. I do nothing but play games all day(Elden Ring invasions currently).

I just wish I could be better than this but, I have no ambition, no desire. It feels like something fundamental to living instead of surviving and while I grasp and claw to remember what it is it gets farther away.

My situation isn't that bad, dropped out of college twice after not caring enough to pass anything, then moved in with a roommate that I knew in highschool. I get a lot of my money from my parents/friends, my reliance on them has given me intense anxiety to the point I get jolts whenever I think about them.

I have all the hikki mainstay issues. Anxiety, Anhedonia, Depression, Apathy… you guys know.
I don't see myself ever getting better, I have no money and the free clinics in my area haven't gotten back to me in over half a year.

This is rambling on, I apologize if you made it to the end and its incomprehensible. I don't type out my thoughts often if ever, so organizing my thoughts is extraordinarily difficult in that way, but also, Thank You

Doc a few months ago said I'm either in a prodromal stage for schizophrenia, have schizoaffective disorder or have schizoid personality disorder. Of course the last option is the best outcome but they're all miserable in their own way.
Can't really say I'm too surprised now that it's all settled into my mind. Back when he first told me I had a slight mental breakdown, but now, like everything else that happened in my life, it's turned into a small whirring hum that never really leaves but doesn't cause any strong emotions one way or the other.
I've had some pretty bad cards dealt to me over my life, but this one has to be the worst just for the level of staying power. I've been mentally abused by my father, bullied through my childhood and teens, raped by one of my best friend, had a girlfriend that almost ruined the little social circle I had, and yet none of that even comes close to being diagnosed as a potential schizophrenic.
Life just kinda sucks right now and the desire to just kinda kill myself grows and grows. I don't like going outside, I don't like talking to people, I don't like consuming media, or playing games, or doing art anymore, or programming. I don't really like doing anything. It'd be more accurate to say what I tolerate the most rather than what I like the most because everything just kind of sucks. I've been NEET for about a year (minus a few months I went to college for a degree I then dropped out of), I spend my days mindlessly watching youtube, playing fighting games, and watching anime barely thinking much about anything. Then I go to bed and kinda mope and sob a little to sleep, and then I wake up and repeat the whole thing over again. It's a tortourous cycle that I can literally feel rotting away my mind, yet whenever I try to do anything about it I just end back up at square 1.
I'm starting university in september at least, not exactly in a degree I'm entirely sure I want to do, but hopefully the change of pace and the forced interactions with new people gets my brain active again where I can atleast be a high functioning manic depressive, rather than some guy who's slowly losing his mind in his room.
Sorry for the rant, I just wanted to get some things off my chest because I don't really have anyone else to talk to about them.

I'm beginning to feel less and less like a hikikomori as the days go by, I think. I used to feel a noticeable distance between me and the outside world but its almost like that distance is dissolving now.

Maybe it's because I'm starting to interact more with others online. I don't use vc and I but I'll listen and respond sometimes over chat. I feel as though I'm losing sight of something or I've yet to realize I've already lost sight of it.

>>2972
I have plenty though I feel it'd be exploitative to share them and for you to share these ancedotes on YouTube.

am doing good. recently ordered a new sleeping bag online as my old one's zipper broke after three years of constant use
i'd recommend any hiki to start sleeping in a sleeping bag rather than a bed, just cuz you don't have to deal with the hassle of wet/sweaty covers and stuff

>>7201
That's… A very interesting idea.