No.651
My parents have been giving me self-improvement type exhortations over the last few days because I revealed my 2.76 GPA to them and told them I wasn't enjoying my time at the expensive out-of-state college they're sending me to. My dad got kind of mad at me because I spend a lot of my free time practicing guitar instead coding or doing whatever you're supposed to do to get better at compsci.
It sucks that the one thing I'm currently able to dedicate myself to getting better at with vigor (guitar/songwriting) is a useless hobby that doesn't help my career out at all. Same with reading, which is my other main pastime besides like occasional vidya, retarded reddit websurfing and talking to my friends on discord. I get bored with coding even though I find it kind of interesting, and thinking about career-maxxing literally makes me nauseous.
I didn't tell my parents the details, but at university I only have one daily friend and a few friend-acquaintances. The first month of university was fine, but I basically turned into a NEET after that. Most of the time, I would just talk with my high-school friends on discord until 2 or 3 AM. I would skip meals and stay in my dorm. I stopped studying for my classes. I even picked my porn habit back up after not using for about 3 years. It's funny because stopping porn was the first thing I did to try and improve myself back in sophomore year of high school and I took great pride in stopping. It's like I'm simultaneously regressing and too tired/bored of "self-improvement" to engage and do anything to improve my mental state now.
I fly back for university tomorrow. I'm scared because I really don't want to disappoint my parents academically again, but I also don't feel socially or mentally ready. I went autismo mode and gave myself a buzzcut like a week ago so I'm going back looking like an actual monkey lol. Hopefully there are cool people in my Intro to Game Studies class but I'm pessimistic. It's like LinkedIn and trying to get a good internship is the main hobby for most people in my major.
The one positive I can remember from last semester was the fact that I worked out semi-regularly. So in this vein I'm going to try to join a self-defense club this semester. Hopefully I'll also pick back up the gratitude journaling/meditation stuff I used to do. But I want most of all to do better academically and am willing to compromise on this other stuff if it means I can get a 3.5+ GPA.
(2/3)
No.652
I know I seem really neurotic when it comes to the GPA and pleasing my parents but they've given me everything. If it wouldn't disappoint them I wish I could just abandon everything and run away to some town near an unpolluted sea where I can eat fresh raw fish every day and swim and do a menial physical-type job for the rest of my life. But it would disappoint them, and I don't think there are many places like that left on Earth. And my dream is just a dumb escapism fantasy. Looking back on everything I just typed, I see how ungrateful and unrealistic these dreams are, and how self-centered my thoughts are. It feels like life is gradually but surely revealing that I'll never change and that I'm just not good enough, that I have a really impure damned soul that will only hurt the ones around me. It's like this weird need to seem pitiable and sensitive and not responsible is imbued in my thoughts. It's like I want you guys to blame my parents or something. But I've done a lot of fucked up things in my life that a good person just wouldn't do, and the way I live my life is selfish and focused on my own personal comfort. And I want to change, I want to change the direction my life is going and the type of person I am, but everything I try just makes it worse.
If anyone's actually read through this entire thing thank you and I hope it didn't drag down your mood or anything. I know that self-pity slop probably doesn't go for much on here, but I wasn't really intending to vent, even though I ended up typing way more than I thought I would.
Do you guys have any methods for developing discipline and having more willpower/energy, or success stories or something? Maybe a hobby that would be good for my career and also give me more self-confidence and adequacy feelings? I'm sure there are some people who have similar college anxieties to me here, or maybe had them in the past.
(3/3)
No.655
Are you Asian? Because you sound Asian.
I hate to break it to you, but you don't owe your parents anything. What you do you have to do for you. If you don't break free, you'll never be happy.
There's lots of people who have it worse: r/AsianParentStories.
No.658
>Not everything you do has to be in the pursue of money.
100%
No.659
>>656What's this angel cat art from anon? Unique style I haven't seen before, would make a good game.
No.661
>>660I'd say you're already pretty into modelling! You're birba looks great.
