No.488
officially diagnosed with c-ptsd after a whole teenhood of misdiagnosis, wrong meds and unalive planned attempts failed because if i did the religious child adoption shelter would've closed down after my death and i'd mess up innocent kids' lives even more after being saved too like me from worse fates. a hikk for years, now finding myself out there, barely adulting, smiling through the emptiness and trying to think positively. had some shitty jobs, i don't trust easily, quit professional school because of younger kids (like 3-4 years older) bullying me again like in high school. my grades dropped, my depression worsened. i feel useless as people my age i know ever since childhood just finished uni and are having "real" jobs. i feel so much envy for their easier lives. but i cheer them up too. despite my inferiority complex and thinking i will never be good enough despite, according to others, being "so kind", "resilient", "stronger than anyone". that doesn't save oneself. from oneself and their environments.
i decided i want to use my shit life to help others who will go through the same things as me in this shit of a world. if you want a reason to keep going on or avoid the hikk life, it's the only valid reason that gives meaning to my meaningless life. people need doctors and psychologists who can truly relate, not somebody who's there nodding and misdiagnosing you because they truly don't care. i do care because i've walked hell, too.
i will be real honest here. study online. this is the only way for many of us to get some quality education. especially if you're shy or people has a tendency to prey on your kindness. grades over people, you don't need your classmates. you only need yourself and some saved up money.
uboachan gives me so much nostalgia i end up always coming back to it, somehow. i hope this reaches someone. i know many ppl here are also struggling. you don't know who i am, but i'm proud you're still here.
