I remembered that on one of my posts about getting into uni, I was directed towards this board when the post wasn't really about recovery. funnily enough, I do actually have something to say here now
I wasn't ever a complete NEET, I would still go to school and occasionally see friends, see my dad, et cetera. I was more in a weird grey area where while I was doing stuff, the second I got the chance, I'd recede back to where I would be most comfortable
At home, it'd be my room. at school, it would be the backwater classrooms where no actual classes were held (it was where my friends at the time hung out between classes), when visiting my dad it would be the side room with the strongest wifi. id always scurry back to hide once all the mandatory socialising was done. My family used to forget about me during the summer because I'd hide in my room all day long.
I always used to tell my miserable self that 'once I got out of school, things would change' or that 'once I could legally drink, I could see people more and talk to them without tearing my hair out'.
For the most part, that has been true. I've been out drinking with my classmates, I've been out with my family more, I'm booking my own doctors appointments instead of hiding behind my mum. It does feel great.
However, there's been a weird emptiness gnawing at me ever since I reached this point. I know I should be happy, I know I should be enjoying life, but I kind of miss being as sad as I was back when I was a teenager.
my loneliness was a sort of blanket made up of self pity and tragic backstory that I could use and wallow in. Being sad is weirdly comforting, being alone is that sad, messy blanket. I was in that messy situation for most of my teenage years, so it might be a form of nostalgia? I don't know, but I hate how much I miss it.
It's kind of hit a bad point as well. I've started listening to a lot more grim songs in order to channel my feelings somewhere, plus my writing is getting a little darker again. I used to write some dark stuff when I was at my worst, to put my feelings somewhere, but now that I'm trying to take my writing professional it might hinder me a fair bit.
Anyone else struggling with this kind of thing? I hope I'm not intruding here by not ever being a full NEET, but it's still about my issues with recovering from when I half was. Sorry if this is in the wrong place.
One often finds themselves confronted with a feeling of guilt when feeling nostalgic or attached to ones own past. Feelings of emptiness and a longing for a return to how things were are all very standard procedure for what is essentially just growing as a person. You should not hate this or yourself, or feel any form of guilt, as to shy away from these feelings is to deny a part of yourself that is evidently very real. Part of maturing as a person is realizing you still have feelings for your youth and accepting that, but not allowing it to control you.
I too have recently undergone a big change in my life, and like you I find myself frequently thinking of the past and how, despite myself being miserable during those times, I really wish I could go back. Unlike you however, I had the brief chance to return to my old life, although only temporarily; And a funny thing happened during that: I quickly realized that I had left such a life for a reason, and that when I looked back on these times I romanticized and embellished them to be or have felt better than they actually were. I looked back on these awful times fondly because the life I live now is foreign and difficult, and so, in order to cope with the difficulty of adapting, I looked back on when my life was admittedly easier with rose-tinted glasses.
And so my advice to you, if you are even still checking this thread; Is to recognize your feelings, to accept them as part of you, as you as fluid as you may be are still resistant to change like all humans are, and for you to not relish in the past you clearly remember wishing to leave, nor for you to attach emotions to memories which had no emotions to begin with. To accept the burden of your currents life's difficulty and to surpass it, as that is what it means to mature as a person.
Hope this helps.
Anon here. I’ve been trying to come up with a reply to this for several days now but with no luck because you put it all so well that I don’t think words could be used again. the best word combination has been made. Everyone go home.
I’ll instead just say that this reply made me bawl in the middle of the night. thank you anon.
>I had the brief chance to return to my old life, although only temporarily; And a funny thing happened during that: I quickly realized that I had left such a life for a reason, and that when I looked back on these times I romanticized and embellished them to be or have felt better than they actually were
no joke, that’s what happened to me too when I was writing the first post. Uni’s out right now and I only left the house once or twice during christmas. I’m going out drinking with friends again soon though, and I couldn’t be more excited.
>Hope this helps