This is a purely anecdotal story, but i think it might help you. I believe a lot of my mental illness stems from bullying and humiliation in my early and teenage years. It made me believe i was undeserving to even talk so people could hear me. I was so afraid of someone hearing what i was saying and starting something on me for it. I've been diagnosed with bipolar type 1 and GAD, and i believe the manic episodes are the bodys natural defence to extreme levels of depression. I used to self harm, ive fucked my arm up, I have nerve damage in it. I used to binge drink, I fractured my skull, eye socket and had to get a finger amputated because it got ripped off in a particularly stupid drunken incident. My stepdad is abusive, he's got violent with me multiple times, and he is extremely manipulative. I've been forcibly hospitalized multiple times. I think I might have and idea what you're going through
After all this, and only recently, I finally realised im deserving of things like basic human decency. I am maybe good enough to have someone actually like me, not love, but it's a good first step. Maybe you can too, it's just a mindset, you need to believe it for it to be true. Your thoughts create your reality, if you only think in negatives, your life will be negative. Notice I used the word believe a lot.