No.4664
I wanna kill myself so I can get to meet you :3
No.4668
>>4654But I wanna be a Haibane D:
That'd be rad as shit.
No.4673
Kinda off topic but do any of you have a suicidal thoughts play list? I mean songs that make you feel worse when you feel like letting go of everything.
or even just a particular song. I would be interested in listening to any you might have
No.4674
>>4673Yes. 'Komm, Süßer Tod' from Eva; I always thought that would be a perfet song to play while you kill yourself. Or 'Thanatos', which suits perfectly the death drive feeling in my opinion.
Or 'Irisu Syndrome' playlist. If you think about it, that game is really depressive. The feeling the music made me feel really like shit. As if I had no feeling but I was able to feel pain and nothing else.
That's basically the kind of music that brings me suicide thoughts.
Anyway, I love that kind of music because I like music that makes you feel like shit. It makes me feel more appreciation for the composer, as generally they put their thoughts in the songs, and I am able to understand it more and deeper. Some kind of empathy I like to feel.
And, as I have a Death Drive, I generally am drawn towards that kind of music/feelings.
No.4685
>>4673I tend to listen to Yume Nikki Piano Arrangement: "Lucid Suite" subconsciously when I become depressed
http://youtu.be/f4D90YXPO9cand some Nicole Dollanganger songs can really depress me especially this one because it always leaves me with such a hopeless feeling afterwards
http://nicoledollanganger.bandcamp.com/track/please-eatThis version of Conturbatio & Decretum is especially sad
http://youtu.be/LEHqtMqQqcAFlare (lyrical version by horizon)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btHd1zrjkqYit's hard for me to pinpoint any other exact song. I try not to purposely listen to too many songs of that nature when I'm in depressed mindset. Usually I'll just loop one or two songs over and over
No.4687
>>4684http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_drive(Whether or not such a "drive" [to quote from that article, "a force that is not essential to the life of an organism (unlike an instinct)"] is debatable, but then again so is a lot of Freud's stuff.]
No.4688
>>4687I actually wanted a more personal like answer just to see what it sounded like from someone else, but that's good too. Thank you.
No.4689
>>4688Well if you want a more personal answer I suppose I can say that its more about giving up on your life than aiming for death.
Just coasting through life with no real intentions or ambitions and waiting to get hit by a truck or killed in a terrorist attack.
No.4691
>>4690I know what you mean by happiness. I see it as more of a release from the my life. I feel like Satou in NHK where I'm not willing to take my own life but wouldn't mind if it was taken from me.
Just to be relieved to know that my time is up or something like that.
No.4698
I don't want to kill myself but I don't want to be alive either.
If that makes sense.
No.4700
>>4698Yeah. It's called apathy.
Either that are you one of the laziest people to ever live
No.4703
Funny fact: According to Sigmund Freud, humans have a life instinct—which he named "Eros"—and a death drive, which is commonly called (though not by Freud himself) "Thanatos". This postulated death drive allegedly compels humans to engage in risky and self-destructive acts that could lead to their own death. Behaviors such as thrill seeking and aggression are viewed as actions which stem from this Thanatos instinct.
>TL;DR The death drive is sometimes referred to as "Thanatos" in post-Freudian thought. Also, in Greek mythology, Thanatos was the daemon personification of a pacific death.
That's why that song is called like that, and that's why that song is in Evangelion. Rei has a Death Drive, and (Beware, Eva spoilers ahead) **when she dies, that's the song it's played in the background. Saddest part, Rei finally realised she had emotions and something even more important. Oh, the irony…
That song is really charged with emotion. Or I feel it like that as I love that serie.**
PS: I just tried the spoiler and it didn't work, let's try again.
No.4704
>>4703Well, fuck you too, spoiler markup.
No.4715
Suicide is dumb, it's like going to clean up the mess someone else created. I noticed it one morning when there was cat shit on the floor in the kitchen. I thought, it's not my cat, so why should I immediately clean it up?
So I did not, and ate a bowl of cereal and did some other things. Then I picked up the shit later because it was dry and easy to do.
No.4716
>>4715You might want to suicide because everything is just so dull and boring. Or because you don't feel like this earth is your place. Don't think it has anything to do with other people.
No.4719
I won't, but I fantasize about doing it every single day. I'm a worthless human being.
I'm really sensitive and easily hurt, but at the same time I can be really judgmental about certain things. I have no talent, I have barely any friends, I'm not funny, I'm not endearing, I'm not smart, my interests are weird, I have the personality of a shrimp, I have the creativity of a maggot, I can't write, I can't draw, I can't sing, I can't carry a conversation, I'm not pretty, I'm not witty or savvy, and I'm transgendered. Who'd want to be friends with me? The people I do know barely talk to me anyways. I can't approach them or become significant parts of their lives. I contribute nothing and if I disappeared tomorrow everyone would forget about me.
Case in point, I've been staying with somebody while I try to get a job and a place to stay (I can't even manage that). I want to talk to her and get to know her better as a friend, but I'm too shy and we both seem to be avoiding each other anyways. I'm a degenerate and it would be better if I just disappeared, but I'm too cowardly to do that.
The only thing I've ever had were my own delusions and dreams. I would fantasize about having friends who care about me, having somebody who loves me, etc. and during the time I'm doing this, I feel happy. But I also feel like shit when I focus back to reality and realize I'm too pathetic to realize those dreams.
Sorry about this wall of text, it's really unwarranted and I just started typing it without thinking. But that's why I want to kill myself.
No.4720
>>4719>I'm a worthless human beingThere is no such thing!
Just knowing that you're part of this community, I would be sad if I knew that your contribution, however big or small, was gone from it forever. I don't want anyone to go. I wish I could do something to make everyone in this thread feel better, even though really I'm just as powerless and socially awkward
No.4721
>>4719Most of us are not talented or popular or anything worth mentioning, but that often is because we somehow end up choosing not to try new things.
You already have someone who lives with you. Think of it as a privilege. Try thinking "fuck it" one day, disregard what they you think they think of you and talk to them about something trivial that you you can't decide about. Or ask about some interest of theirs and pretend that you're interested. Or make them dinner.
No.4725
>>4719>I'm really sensitive and easily hurt,There's one good thing about you, at least. It might not seem like the best, but there are people out there thicker than bricks and cruder than mud, and you are miles and miles above them.
I don't remember the word for it, but think of it as a sort of intelligence. You haven't really been taught to do much with it because the world isn't based around people like yourself.
It's like that uncontrollable superpower in all those animus. It's difficult as shit in the beginning (and the middle), fucking nobody knows how to help you, and some of them are being huge dicks trying to keep you down.
But seriously. You have a secret weapon of sorts. It's a pain to deal with now, but know that if you find some way to apply it, you'll be a something to reckon with.
Also, your fantasies could probably be channeled into something like writing, or making comics, or whatever. Whenever you start fantasizing, run with it, take it in, and then write it down. It might seem silly, but that's what I do, and I can tell you, there ARE people interested in your fantasies.
Maybe you feel like shit when you think of reality, because right now your reality is shit. So fuck it. Fuck your shitty reality.
Fantasize and turn your reality into fantasy and your fantasy into reality and just fucking fuck it goddamn it don't kill yourself or I will be so mad anon
No.4726
>>4719Don't give up you useless piece of shit. If you're living with someone and if it's just the two of you I'm sure you can become great friends. Sure you'll come off as awkward as fuck but if you show that you're willing to have a nice and friendly relationship with that person than I'm sure they would take a liking to you.
[spoiler]Are you ftm or mtf?
No.4735
>>4734It's going to be a hell of a surprise if you don't.
No.4738
>>4737That doesn't make any sense.
If you are indeed immortal then suicide is of no importance to you.
No.4742
>>4673>>4674Since school til now, 'Komm, Süßer Tod' has been one of my suicide songs. That and various covers of 'Gloomy Sunday', the song that supposedly made people want to kill themselves whenever performed. I especially like the Bjork version. Oh, and "The Art of Suicide" by Emilie Autumn basically sums up my useless feelings.
No.4766
>>4765Oh, yes, Saya no uta OST is pretty sad. Specially when you end up it all; It comes with a huge emotional weight. Specially 'Song of Saya' I and II.
I forgot to put it there, as it is too on my 'suicidal' playlist.
No.4772
If I kill myself I can't fly. So no.
No.4787
>>4726MtF. As for the person I'm staynig with, I feel like I'm overstaying my welcome. I'm still homeless and incapable of finding employment. I can't even feed her cat properly when she was away on vacation. I'm a complete fuck up who can't do anything right. It doesn't feel like she really cares to get to know me, so I'm afraid to push it.
I'm not really a suicide risk even though I want to kill myself, since I'm too scared to do it. The worst I do is scratch up my arms with a pin needle occasionally.
No.4851
I follow that Satou rule: I'm not special enough for something so dramatical as suicide. I live a normal life without emotions, I'm not suited for anything like that.
No.4872
I tried and failed. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that I didn't care anymore if I lived or died and in retrospect it could have ended either way.
Now that I'm calm because I cut away all the stressful things from my life I won't do it. I end up thinking about my family and how it would hurt them.
Sometimes I do wish it would have ended up differently that time. It would be so much easier.
No.4873
If I kill my self I kill Dormilia.
That can not happen.
No.4877
I don't want to die. Dying doesn't make you happy. It doesn't make sense to me.
No.4881
I've decided I'm going to kill myself in the coming months if a certain thing happens, I'm very positive that this thing is going to happen. I want to tell my online friends what I will be doing and ask them if they have any unanswered questions for me before I go. I can't figure out a safe way to do this without them interfering. I don't know what to do.
No.4882
>>4873You can't die until we've recieved a vivid recount of how she raped and dominated you.
No.5031
>>4719You sound like a heavily self-deprecating person with an interesting condition, those I usually like.
No.5143
It's been about 7 months since I first and last attempted, and while I'm generally stable enough to not have any breakdowns or anything, I kind of fear (look forward to? not sure, rationally thinking I'd rather not see that day but I'm rarely fully rational in that sense) the next day I just feel like not living anymore. It's not like a strong feeling or anything, it just feels like "ah, well. May as well kill myself now". Last time, I backed out, probably, within the minute where I would have passed out and most likely die, I guess it was a pretty stupid method but it was the most convenient one at the time I decided to just go ahead; I usually have plastic bags lying around the floor where I live 'cause I'm too lazy to throw them away/put them where I usually collect them from groceries or whatever, so I took the belt I had on the pants I wore that day, and sort of threaded the bag handles so that it wouldn't slide off accidentally. Then I just tightened the belt around my neck and went to bed as if I were to go to sleep except with a bag over my head. I also didn't listen to any music, I had already "gone to bed", but I was sorta lying in bed thinking about nothing when the thought struck me. I was a little sleepy at the time, so that's why I felt it would be the best to just pomf =3 again and do it rather than sit somewhere, or lie somewhere strange. It took probably like 2 minutes before I realized, fuck this is pretty discomforting, particularly the plastic sticking to my face because of my breath. It was also a little painful near the end in various places of my body, I can't quite recall the pain so it's difficult to describe. I kept inhaling what was in the bag at the time, in which my body didn't like very much. When I got out, the first few breaths were pretty satisfying but I felt rather indifferent/apathetic to what just happened, which in turn made me feel a little scared because I knew that I should have been reacting with something more.. but I just didn't. I then talked it through with a friend on IRC, but all in all the episode still remains as a pretty "meh" thing, I don't feel particularly negatively/positively about it, didn't learn much, didn't gain anything.
No.5145
>>5144Did you just doodle that? It's really accurate, particularly in the way the room is arranged. 10/10
No.5393
>>5214Thanks for linking this.
No.5397
I start college in a few days and I have no idea how I'll possibly be able to do anything without my parents, who I depend on for everything. I can't drive, I have no motivation, I've been clinically depressed since I was 11 (and nothing has worked for it), and I have a litany of other mental health issues. Nothing makes me happy. I have no friends and I don't want any either. I can't stand being around other people; if anything, it makes me even more depressed. I never leave my house other than to see a movie with my father and I don't even feel like doing that anymore. I barely even feel like getting out of bed. I am an empty, meaningless shell of a person. I see no real point in going to college because I'll just be a mindless drone like everyone else and you can't get anywhere in life unless you have connections anyways. Society only values you based on how much money you have and the masses are just tiny drops of oil in the machine that the elite run and benefit from. But I have to go to college and get a job. It's my obligation to. I just don't know how I'm going to do it. I feel like this world wasn't meant for me at all and I have no place in it. I hate myself and I hate the world. My mind is a wreck and I feel like it will always be that way no matter what. I want to kill myself, but death is just too terrifying a concept for me to face and I wouldn't want to devastate everyone around me either. I just can't stop thinking about it, though.
No.5399
>>5397I felt the same way, and then I dropped out of college.
Been a NEET for years!
I have learned the following:
1.) You are inside of your body, looking out through your eyes for your entire life. Sometimes you have your eyes closed; sometimes you are asleep, and infinite worlds await you.
2.) You are nobody's puppet, which is the first realization. It's not even likely to happen, ever. This means the obvious: a. All of your actions at all times are powered by you; b. you dwell within your body always, now and until it perishes; c. it happens to be your vehicle to navigate reality. Reality is where you do things.
3.) If you don't want to do things, and don't do them, even if all social expectations are arrayed against you, you can still not do them, and ultimately have spent your physical time not doing those things. This can be highly problematic, with lasting repercussions, however.
4.) The second realization. Fear is a focused thing. You objectify fear. Fear has a name, even if it is the unknown. To reject fear, you must no longer fear the unknown. The unknown must still be of
concern to you, but when the current moment is spent in anxiety about the very next moment, there is no escape. You will become eaten by fear.
5.) The choices set before you are warped by others, not shaped. Your mind and judgment is what matters most, above all things. You must maintain it, as if a garden. Uproot harmful thought processes, tear into them analytically, dissect them, understand them, and they will become knowledge.
6.) The third realization. Knowledge is almost all you have. Your brain contains all of your amassed knowledge, yet to remember it all would be deleterious to one's continued wellbeing. Focus your knowledge, and decide what it is you have enjoyed, do enjoy, and want to continue to enjoy knowing. Know those things intimately. Pay no mind to anything else; know it is all background radiation, inexorable but tolerable.
7.) To become lost in thought is to abandon the body temporarily. You are the spark, the thing which you have been and will continue to be. Your body is a shell, it is just so much meat, lumbering to your next destination as you, inside of it, see fit to explore. Your thoughts are how you spend your time, ultimately, as post-action, there are only the thoughts of what was done.
8.) You will be nowhere else but here, for infinite time, as pre- and post-consciousness could likely be described to this particular experiental self as being "n/a". One lifetime takes as much time to experience as the next: 100% of it's duration. There is no escape. You are logged in and unable to disconnect without physical intervention or ultimate corruption.
No.5401
I've given too much personal information to creepy people online in the past and it really terrifies me.
No.5417
>>5412Do you want some sort of in-depth answer? I can't say I'll say anything smart or wise.
A lot of it makes sense and concurs with what I know/have learned.
No.5420
>>4812A few things to add
Ben Frost - Hiding in the Ether
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdzO5rwWt_cHave a Nice Life - A Quick One Before the Eternal Worm Devours Connecticut
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fS26orQu-jsGiles Corey - I'm Going to do it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGL5SXrCFXkHave a Nice Life - Bloodhail
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ri5F633xSsYPretty much the entirety of HANL's Full Length.
No.5527
Rei Ayanami herself is a terrible character.
No.5531
>>5527What are you implying here?
You didn't like the character? You think she's terrible since she just wants to die (hence like 'oh god, I don't like this kind of suicidal people)? Or simply that you don't like her?
Either way, the character is well applied in the series. She's not a human, she doesn't know how to be human, she doesn't know much about humans, and, more importantly, she was literally born just to drive everybody to the Human Instrumentality. So, what is the point to be alive/something, if whatever-is-going-to-happen won't affect the fact I'm just nothing?
It all returns to nothing. Rei is just a nihilist entity with no desires for anything but to return to the nothingness.
No.5532
>>5531I think Rei smells funny!
No.5560
>>4673https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hu_9It7xxvohttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=971Qyl8SURchttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kn7jpINpqbQMaybe not so much the first two but the last one…It's enough to make even my sunny outlook turn bleak. That band makes me rethink my life and wonder if it was all worth it.
No.5561
>>5560DEUUEAUGH
>>4673Remember in Soul Eater when Crona's emotions are verbalized into the form of a poem, and everyone who reads it wishes they were never born.
I have found the real life equivalent: Lord Byron's "Darkness"
http://www.strickling.net/byron_darkness.htm No.5563
>>5561Jesuschrist they made a song about Hikikomoris
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-VKaA8ruf4Also I had to read that poem in English class, so the feelings were diminished. Too busy having to dissect the meaning and the metaphors and write them down and all that "fun" school stuff that makes poetry feel LESS meaningful instead of more
No.5572
>>5563You speak of dissection as if it is a chore! We should throw ourselves into enjoying dissecting the ones we love.
I don't think understanding can bring less meaning.
also scool lol
No.5573
>>5572Finding the meaning in a poem or a song is cool when done on your own time at your own pace with your own ideas, but in school it's "You have five minutes to tell me what this line of the poem means in relation to the death of the poet's ninth son"
at that point it is a chore. There's no thought or feeling to it. Just putting together the right combination of words that will please the teacher.
No.5578
>>5573No, not always.
One time we had to dissect this in school, and I was the only one who knew what it meant.
http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/i-m-nobody-who-are-you/Although it helps that I knew that frogs can be a symbol of immodesty.
No.5592
>>5573It helps if you know your shit, then you can turn "being asked" into "showing off", and really, who wants to be someone's lesser, so to be confidently/arrogantly correct and/or know doing so, people will learn that you are on a different plane and not the same
I always shat on the people around me in school, if they bothered me, and it earned me a lot of grief and extra attention from other assholes, but the whole point is to be correct. If anyone go around being wrong, they are fucked! The fact is the smartface already knows the answers, but at this stage, it's all just a pace-y ceremony where you are told and re-tell, also exams, this is where you
prove that you know what you're talking about. Teach yourself everything constantly, on your own time, and just nod when they tell you to nod.
Thanks, Booger-chan, for being so special. I'm not going to suicide you.
No.5603
I just might.
>>4684It's called the destrudo effect.
No.5608
>>5602Teachers always picked on me and knew they could get me to blush insanely red and maybe cry if they yelled loud enough (I had many overtly cruel teachers, which is surprising, because they're employed by the city to educate children), and my not knowing was replaced with my knowing and not caring, a trend which has continued to this day.
I don't blame my family for as much as many people here, not that those aren't deserved, but I blame my forced daily dose of insane people with me as their dependant for much of my pained reclusive remains. Also, my family.
No.5647
I don't know if it falls under the category of suicidal, but there are times where I want mother nature to erase me from existence through natural disasters. I'm scared of dying, but as long as it's a quick and painless death, I wouldn't mind.
No.5656
>>5647That's not suicidal, but a deathwish, I would say.
I'm similar, in that I can be left alone in a room with knives, but I want something to kill the shit out of me when I least expect it.
My father is retired, my brother and sister have their lives, my mom and stepdad have their lives, while I have my non-life-life. If I go, my wishes are granted, and they can all feel sad for a bit, before resuming their daily grinds.
Hell, they might even bond over saying things like "Yeah, I always knew he wasn't going to make it" or something.
Fucking everything makes me want to leave here more.
I've had sex once, done a bunch of chemical trips, self-released albums and sold them to people online, and numerous other things I "wanted to do before I died".
Who knew it could be done so soon?
—
Think about it:
Many of us are
ostracised by our own communities. We
aren't wanted in the lives of those around us.
What do you do with that?
What
can you do with that?
No.5704
>>5699You've a lot of life to go through before you can say you will be unable to produce a thing worth remembering. I don't say this as a kindness and in fact it can be taken as a torturous fact: if you give up now then you only make certain that you'll be forgotten.
Wanting to be a person of mention is further than most people go. Don't get caught up in feeling useless before you've began. I know I'm not very convincing, but that's how it is.
What do you want to create?
No.5705
>Every time I read anything on a genius or great historical person, I can not find anywhere about me a reason to continue living.
What we remember of these people is often not much more than fiction based on real life. The real person does not remain. And even then the sun will swallow the earth eventually… and if we move to other planets before than it's likely that eventually the universe will stop existence (heat or freeze death) and nothing will be remembered by anyone.
No.5711
>>5705I find this interesting. I'd love it to happen right now.
No.5720
>>5705You could always hope that entropy is reversible. I don't much care for being remembered, I just want to experience as much as possible.
There are even some theories about massive black holes that could survive a 'big crunch' scenario, thus preserving information from previous universes.
If it even works that way, which is probably doesn't.
No.5725
Ozymandias will not be forgotten.
No.5760
>>5699Your ripples build the tidal wave. Remember how geniuses stand on the shoulders of giants? The giants stand on the shoulders of gnats.
We are the gnats the will be forgotten - but that is not to say we never mattered. It's just a shame nobody will ever know how we mattered; not even ourselves.
No.5768
>>5766;_; that filename..
My point was, there is no clear good or bad to it and that it's quite easy to not feel anything at all. I don't think many people can be so zen and all is one with being a gnat here. No one is valueless, they just are very, very small.
No.5772
>>5768>No one is valueless, they just are very, very small.So, hey, we do agree. Sorry if the filename upset you.
Here, have something so delicious it will kill you.
No.5810
Suicide is the better option, atleast for me.
No.6096
>>6093You're literally the 3 or 4 person besides booger and sei who ever showed the face on this site.
No.6104
>>6093wait wait wait back up a sec.
>orange hair>green hoodie>headphones>frecklesHi Breif
No.6123
>>4719 here. I'm alive. A lot of things have happened, but I think things are getting a little better. I hope.
I have a job and I'm working towards getting an apartment. I still feel like killing myself most of the time, and I still don't really have anyone I feel truly safe and comfortable around.
I have gotten to interact with a few people and know them a little, but often it feels like I'm just convenient to them when they have nobody else to turn to. Like I'm just a distant acquaintance and not a friend. Someone tolerated instead of liked, you know? It may or may not be true, and it probably isn't true for one or two of them, but I wish I didn't feel these feelings.
I confessed a crush to somebody I've known for a few months who shares a lot of my interests and got turned down. I never thought anything would come of it anyways, but it still hurts and I'm still extremely worried about being alone for the rest of my life.
I'm still kinda worthless and sensitive/easily hurt and I'm trying to change the former by learning how to draw and write, but it's hard to stay motivated because I get distracted so easily. I don't think the latter will ever change (and I don't want it to honestly).
Again, sorry for the blogging, I just wanted to let people know what's going on, if there's anyone who was curious.
No.6129
I wouldn't mind dying. I have my reasons, which are actually really good reasons. I know for a fact I'll die alone, that's a huge one. I'm bullied a lot, I have intense psychopath problems. I'm also a child molester and I cry every night and morning
But I have too much shit to do. To busy to kill myself.
No.6170
>>6129>To busy to kill myself.Is that so…
Does it really take that long to prepare things?
The saddest thing is that people like you should be getting the most help, but instead you will get the most hate. Terrible world.
No.6193
>>6191I always wondered if anyone actually tried this.
No.6203
>>6191Heh, I already have that image saved.
Spending time in these corners of the web, you get maybe a bit too intimate with the idea of suicide. I don't even want to kill myself, but I do know some theoretically good ways to do it.
I'd post some suicide-related image, because it turns out I have quite a collection, but I'm posting from my laptop and I don't have my images on its hard drive.
No.6276
I just want to shoot myself in the fucking head.
- No gun.
- - Post on Internet.
- - - Repeat sequence.
No.10448
Death can't come quick enough
No.10449
Lately I've been thinking about how I will turn 30 in the near future. I'm not sure if I want to be 30. Being a teenager not doing much with your life is normal, being in your twenties and not making much of it is less normal, but it can happen. Maybe I should just be 29 forever. There is still time, but I need help and there isn't any. Not any good help anyway. Time flies by, yet getting proper help takes fucking ages. Like years.
No.10457
but I wouldn't commit suicide for a few years. I'd try and wait for a few years until all my siblings have partners etc/old enough.
No.10467
I'm not even a real person. So whats the point of killing myself; just like scrunching up a piece of copy paper.
No.10477
>>10467The thing is, you can still use that paper. Instead of crumpling it up, use it up to its full capacity. Hell, even if its a retarded babby crayon drawing, at least it was used. Even if you plan on scrunching it up, at least make your paper into a paper airplane so you could do something cool before you crash. Imagery and shit.
No.10487
>>10477I'm like blank paper that you can't draw or write on.
There's no point of me
No.10493
>>10487Paper airplane mother fucker. Plus where the fuck are you finding this crazy ass paper, goddamn.
No.10494
>>10487Every time you learn something new that bit of information is copied down onto the paper. As you read this post is being copied down onto your paper.
No.10515
>>10512This.
I always find myself hoping that some kind of extinction-level event will happen. I just wish everything would end.
No.10518
Openly suicidal people always seem to find me. Its getting annoying.
No.10519
I recently tought about suicide, not because my life is "bad" in a rational way, but its simply not worth living and i am not worthy to be alive.
I came to accept what sort of life is meant for me and have subsequently given up hope for a better life.
However i also realised that with alcohol and drugs i could be content with my existence.
Adding one and one together i decided not to give a shit anymore and live the life of a junkie for as long as i can, while still being as useful as possible.
I mean sure i could go out blowing myself up or hanging myself or just taking the gamble and see what kills me if i try to stay alive for as long as possible, il take the gamble if i ever change my mind i can always kill myself.
I sometimes wish that some sort of cataclysm happens so civilisation collapses and people suffer and die.
I want to witness war, famine, hunger and natural disasters.
Tough that is because i have a deep hatered for humanity and life in general and am a sadist repressed fuck.
Humans are not meant to live for long, we are supposed to fight and only the fittest are to survive, but things have changed and now we all are weak and getting even weaker.
We all have to die anyway sooner or later, why not make the best out if while you can and quit when you know its not worth it.
No.10520
>>10519You okay bruh bruh?
No.10528
>This topic
No.10639
To the anons here wanting to die, but find themselves unable to kill themselves.
People don't kill themselves because they have nothing to live for, they kill themselves because they had something to live for and can't find it anymore.
just my two cents.
No.10642
>>10639This. Motherfucking this. PEople who were born into poverty and [Bane voice] "molded by it", will never know the trials and tribulations that wealthy-turned-poor people feel. The same comparison holds true for permavirgins vs. ppl who once experienced F*cking, etc.
An anime/manga example of this trope can be seen when comparing the traumatic childhood events of Naruto and Sasuke; Naruto's lonely childhood pales in comparison to the burden Sasuke has to bear ever since he lost his beloved family and clan in a single night.
No.10695
I've been having urges to stop living a couple times a week. It is terribly frustrating as nothing bad is happening in my life - quite the contraty. I have some sort of future to look forward to, another person and pets to care for, yet the thoughts are still there. It makes me mad at myself and scared that I might do something stupid, which in turn leaves me stewing in an uncomfortable, miserable goo.
I am now pretty heavily medicated and the bursts are less common. Hopefully they'll go away entirely.
No.10702
>>10695I'm sorry Nami. I know how that os. I struggle with similar urges, although they aren't as intense or as frequent as they used to be. It doesn't really effect my life anymore. I've accepted that it's just part of who I am, but it's been part of life since the beginning. I don't know. You'll figure out the best way to deal with them for yourself. Good luck Nami, I'm rooting for you!
No.10724
>>10645You're right, I'm probably just projecting. The other guy who agreed with me sounds pretty retarded, so I'm probably wrong by association. But still, I'd like to hear another perspective.
What is the subjective pain of someone who has little attachment to the world? Because that's the trajectory of Neets and Hikkis.
And just anecdotally, I've never heard a story of recluse suicide before. Not on any of the shady sites I browse, nothing the obituaries, nothing. Hear about suicides all the time. Finance related, divorce related, education related…nothingness.. never seems to come up.
Its like a romantic trope, people killing themselves "because my life is empty". But I don't see it occur.
No.10736
>>10724I would guess suicide in those cases you mentioned is an act of despair and panic rather than sadness or misery, like in the neet case.
Now i never had a life so i can tell you my reflection on the second case.
Right now im on the knifes edge, i feel like these are the last moments for me of having a chance to atleast ever having experienced some of the things normal people take for granted that they consider valuable to life.
Tough i dont see myself being able to do so, i have no idea what to do.
Im in quite some mysery because of this, i feel like a part of me is dying, i end up having lots of toughts and emotions that are very conflicting and confusing right now, only way i hope to cope with them is to write them down and reflect on them at some point and hope things will work out by themselfs.
I never really actively attempted suicide but i end up thinking alot about it.
I cant really even tell whats holding me back or others for that matter, perhaps its hope, hope dies last they say.
The only other thing i can think of is that we are so used to being passive and repressed that we arent capable of dealing with the intensity of such an act.
Maybe we wait for some moment in our lifes to wake us up and we could snap.
Also it could be that we never hear about them because nobody knows people who kill themselfs, faceless nameless silent victims.
I dont really know what to make of this.
No.10738
>>10736
>I would guess suicide in those cases you mentioned is an act of despair and panicThis is wrong. Specifically, the panic part. The rest, I don't know, I won't make any harsh judgements, but that is wrong. All human pain is similar, people kill themselves for similar reasons.
As for the rest, again, the key piece of data we're missing here is if hikkis / chronic neets truly have higher suicide rates, and my lack of knowledge is just due to their complete isolation, or they in fact, do not kill themselves often.
So as a result, I'm deeply unsure of the validity of any advice I can give. My own life is hardly where I want it to be either, so again, question the worth of my advice.
The dead do not kill themselves. Only those living do so. You feel pain because are still alive. The longer you isolate yourself from the parts that constitute life, the less pain you will feel. The trajectory of that life is to a point of painlessness. I'd hardly imagine people at that point kill themselves, while those before seem to not do so because as you said, their orientation with the universe is a passive one, entirely opposite to that of suicide.
And I'm not saying that this applies to everyone who's suicidal on this board of course.
No.10745
I mean, I can't definitively say either way, but Japan has sky high suicide rates and appears to have very high levels of shut ins, and studies of hikkis in Japan show higher suicide rates (I can link if you want, but just search google scholar for hikikomori suicide and you'll see). Similarly, hikkis disproportionately belong to categories with higher suicide rates (mental illness, especially), so on that alone I think the presumption is at least an above average suicide rate.
I mean, you are less likely to hear anecdotes about shut-ins because you are less likely to hear anything about them; suicides are only interesting in who they impact, and thats a limited circle for a shut in. Regardless, though, anecdotes aren't really a valid form of data for addressing risk at a population level.
Of course, it is still the case that hikkis overwhelmingly won't commit suicide (if we exclude old age, where suicide rates leap again), but they are a very high risk population (I suspect most people on /n/ fall into at least a higher risk population due to some factor or other, mind).
No.10746
>>10738> This is wrong. Specifically, the panic part. The rest, I don't know, I won't make any harsh judgements, but that is wrong. All human pain is similar, people kill themselves for similar reasons.>>10736Here, i talked about the people who had things and then lost them, not sure if we talk about the same thing here.
Well i just assumed that having things taken from you would rob you from your identity and the shock might drive one to suicide as its in the said cases sometimes.
Well who can really say.
No.10747
I don't want to kill myself. The opposite, actually: I really want to live.
Living hurts a bit.
I hope I can achieve something substantial one day.
No.10748
If I recall correctly, and I may not because this was from a long time ago, but if I recall correctly people much more often killed themselves over many little things going wrong in their life in quick succession, rather than one big thing.
When your entire life is meaningless I suppose that would count as one big thing, although it still made of many smaller parts…
IDK
No.10815
Suicide is always at the back of my mind. I can't get it to leave, it seems like the easier option to take then to face things I don't want to do in life.
No.10816
>>10814>>5420>>4812Never listened to the Swans but aside from that you all have good taste. It's a little disconcerting how much music I listen to when I'm feeling nostalgic others listen to to facilitate intense self-loathing and introspection, but whatever, at least you made good choices when it came to music selection.
No.10822
I just finished reading Wlecome to the NHK! I really shuold have gone to bed earlier. I think I'll do that now. But before that, I just want to say I love you guys. I think about suicide more often than is probably healthy, but even so… let's not give up, together. (It's a stupid platitude, but I desperately need to so reach out and say something before I go to bed. Good night everyone)
No.10823
>>10822I need to finish the novel as well. I also hope to, one day, stop having suicidal thoughts altogether. I've recently been feeling like I'm getting there and I hope I can keep it up.
おやすみ
No.10860
Woe is a world where people are forced to care about worthless things until they fall apart.
No.10861
Life: The only reason it matters so much is because it doesn't matter at all.
No.10866
Life… Dreams… Hope… Where do they come from? And where do they go…? Such meaningless things… I'll destroy them all!
No.10871
>>10743This picture is just how I feel every single day. I guess I'm just waiting for a miracle to happen in my life.
Or perhaps waiting for the moment when I'll finally end it all. Probably won't happen, though.
