No.9892
I'm starting college very soon. It's past midnight, so right now, on my birthday, I'm now 18 years old. I still feel 16 though. I know all of you here have jobs, have it 'functioning'. Though I know a lot of you have it very tough. I don't know where to go or who to voice my concerns to. I feel like I'm not in the right place right now to use discord much, I never had much privacy in my life. But at the very least, I can post here, on this board. I can do at least that much, right?
God what do I even say? I keep typing something and removing it after. I'm just so scared. I don't know what to do. If I think to deeply on this, my heart sinks and I start to cry like a wimp. I never really talked to people. It's not even hard irl, I just feel like I don't have the space.
In high school I was always daydreaming of escaping and having complete control over my life by the time I was 18. I could drive around in my own car, work my own job, get my own money, and live for MYSELF. I don't know what to think or what to do anymore. I'm staring at the website of the College I'll be going to in a few months and all the bad memories from high school come flooding back. Nothing bad happened at all in high school. I got by and had friends. But the state I was in. I was falling apart. I remember crying myself to sleep each night. I didn't know what was going to happen in the future. I didn't want to live for someone else. I wanted to live for me. High school ended, and I was at home. Not alone, people still expected stuff of me, but it's fine. I would learn to drive, get a job, get money, and go to college. And just a few months later it's already time. I don't even have a drivers license, only a graduated permit or whatever. Jobs are not easy to get. So I'm just wasting away. All the time I'm just panicking looking at my screen. I don't want life to be like this. For how long does life have to be like this?
Even typing this now, I'm trying not to cry for a second because I don't want anyone to see me. I just want to live for myself only. With no one expecting anything of me. I wish some other kid could take my place and live in my stead, making my family proud and my friends happier. It's not even a desire to not exist. It's the desire to do things that make me happy, and for people to love me for it.
I took a glance at this board below, and I see so many people scared like me. It just makes me sadder. On discord my friends tell me how things are falling apart. I just see people falling apart. I'm going to fall apart any moment now in the future. I'm going to fail college or something because i've never been studious or determined like other kids. It's hard not being overly critical of the stuff I make like my art. But I know screaming about how bad my art is wont get me anywhere. I just know it's going to happen. It's going to happen soon. I'm going to fail. I don't want to grow up. I know i sound like a pathetic whiny brat. Maybe that's because I am. I just don't want to spend more painful time in school for what? Just to get an opportunity for a better job, for what? Just to work more and more, and more and more. And then what? What will happen? I have to get married right? Thats what my mom always says. I have to . I don't know what to do. I never had a dad. My mom raised me by herself. I love her, but she's way too overbearing. When she saw my self-harm scars, she said she would kill herself if I died. It didn't help at all. In fact, it made it worse. I'm not living my life. I'm not me. I'll never be. I don't have what it takes. There are so many times where I'm staring at the ceiling in bed and I just go limp after realizing the only way I can live is if I just live for someone else. I'm so tired of hiding it and being quiet. i just want to sob.
I'm so sorry I rambled so much. I don't know much so this might be deleted. But I don't care, i just need someone to tell me it'll be okay. Even if it wont be in the future. I've abandoned my social media and stopped posing art because I felt like I wasn't good enough. I made a post like this before, on this site, maybe over a year ago. I hardly interact with other people online, and this text is the longest thing I typed out for human eyes since that last post. The only thing that's different, is that here is now. The future will always be coming. There is nothing nobody can do. So whether I live for myself or not doesn't even matter in the end. All I want is for somebody to love me, and tell me it'll be okay.
Thank you so much for giving me that ability to sob again. I needed that. I would have never though Yume Nikki would affect me in that way.
hah, I worked up the courage to visit my friends twitter after cutting them off and they made this piece of Yuyuko. (As if they're artwork couldn't get more peak). I ADDED THE PHOTO AFTER, IK IT'S UNRELATED. I LOVE MY FRIENDS AAAAA
