/hikki/ - NEET / Advice

Also realized that I've been suffering from depersonalization for the past 15 years. I tried to explain it to my teacher but I couldn't figure out how to describe it. Read the DSM and some psychology books at the time but didn't find anything that resembled it. I think this is it.

>>9830

nothingburger

Changed my mind. I like the other social worker more. She is my crush now.

We went shopping, cleaning, and working on computer stuff today. She is my crush now.

I'm sick so I can't see my social worker tomorrow. It will be at least half a week until I can see her again, and that's if I'm lucky. My life is over.

Drank a beer.

Slight headache but I think I'm better. Tomorrow I may see my social worker and hopefully she will have some time to do stuff with me. I talked to her on the phone and she said that she wanted to show me here Halloween costume. She said it in a professional voice so I wouldn't be confused and get the wrong idea. Even though she is my crush I know that anything but a formal relationship is impossible. It is just nice to not be alone and feel something for someone sometimes.

>>9843
nigga i hope you get cut off your tardbux and get depressed as fuck and cry yourself to sleep fuck u(USER WAS SPANKED FOR THIS POST)

>>9830
lmao nigga outright saying you're old as fuck. fucking stupid ass reddit ass millenial. you probably say shit like hecking chonker doggos dumbass old ass bitch ass nigga(USER WAS BLACKED FOR THIS POST)

based neet anon making normies seethe

>>9843
>It is just nice to not be alone and feel something for someone sometimes.
Aww… I'd love to hug you if I could, neetfriend.
>>9834
I totally get that, it's so easy to get crushes when someone is so kind to you, although I've personally found crushes difficult to tell apart from just wanting to hug and be with someone… Can't even use sexual attraction to make the distinction cuz I'm asexual…
>>9830
>15 years
That's such a long time…
I've dissociated for a long time too (dissociation stuff really is difficult to describe, for me it was often the "freeze" in a "fight-flight-freeze-or-fawn" type of situation) and it took me some years to work through the worst of the trauma and C-PTSD stuff. Like, I got emotional flashbacks in a hyperarousal kind of way (I think it's called an acute stress response, I also read psychology stuff to try to figure out how to describe my feelings, it felt so impossible) so I forced some sort of dissociation with self-harm to get out of that (hyperarousal is the worst) and my therapist gave me advice on alternatives to get out of it without injury, like shocking my senses for a bit by eating something sour or spicy and stuff like that. Idk if you ever get stuff like that, but in case you do, it can get better. I only had these symptoms years after the fact when I was in a safer place and able to just process the trauma emotionally and it was pretty rough. It really got a lot better though, I don't even remember when I last had any sort of flashback but it was more than a year ago and despite my AvPD, I managed to make and keep friends as well (I'm still not the best at initiating contact, but I'm working on it).
Sorry for rambling, I hope this didn't disturb your journal thread…
Idk what your coping strategies are or what kind of things are affecting you, but I wish you the best for your journey!

Like the first social worker more again. We did chores today and talked about stuff. She's funny and has a cute personality. Tomorrow we go to the store and afterwards is hot chocolate. This must be what having a friend is like.

>>9850
The few times I have woken up from it have seemed to be at complete random. I haven't noticed anything in particular triggering it. I'm trying to start therapy but every attempt so far has fallen through. Meeting a new therapist next month so I might finally have a chance to work through it.

I really like her personality. She is cute and funny and I want to know more about her. I don't know why. She is interesting to me. I wish I was better at interacting with people so I could be like a real friend and have fluent conversations and make her feel comfortable and happy. Maybe I could reach that point with enough exposure to these social situations but it doesn't feel like it.

>>9857
lmao u suck

>>9857
>I don't know why She is interesting to me
proximity

>>9857
>She is interesting
>I don't know why
It's normal to be interested in sweet people who are nice to you. I assure you that you'll meet many more.
>I wish I was better at interacting
>Maybe I could reach that point
You certainly can. Social skills are a matter of practise, like every other skill. The more you interact with people, the better you'll get, even if you fuck up a lot. It's all part of the process.
>It doesn't feel like it
Process usually isn't a dramatic leap, but once you've gotten further, there'll be a point where you can look back and really see that you've gotten much better at social interactions. That's how it was for me. I'm not super good at this stuff either but it's a huge difference from how I used to be.

>>9858
If that's how you interact with people, what does that make you? Uno reverse, fucker.
>>9859
True.

I was straight up in love with my previous therapist. I stalked her on every social media profile I could find: pinterest, spotify, her sisters instagram - anything. I would have butterflies when she entered sessions. I dreamt about her. I would find porn with women that looked like her to jerk off to. I jerked off to her psychology today profile (low point). I was devastated when I found out she was engaged to get married. But still, I remained delusional. Then, our second to last session… we talked about fantasy, delusions. My annoying trait of creating and conversing with versions of people I know in real life in my head. I realized so much of my life was spent with these versions of people. They weren't reality, just my sad attempt at controlling peoples narratives of me. I decided to stop having convos with people in my head - these imagined convos were effecting me negatively; shaping how I saw those people in real life when they had never expressed those opinions to me. My therapist was included in this. Overnight the fervency of the crush died down. The next session (our last) was weird, and I think she must have felt it too. I never scheduled another session.

It's weird, reflecting on our time, it feels like a relationship. It activates the same part of my brain that tingles when I think about exes…

>>9862
LMAO u suck, the cocksuckers are going to have a hard time singing your praises after this

She played her Spotify playlist today and I liked every single song. I knew at least half of them by name or Artist name. Why is God tormenting me like this?

She likes the same music as me. She likes thrifting and browsing the trinkets like me. She likes crafts and makes cool stuff at home. She has a playful personality and is fun to spend time with. She is cute but not in an intimidating or artificial way. She is interesting and cool. She makes my heart race when I'm near her, and gives me that sad longing pain in my chest when I'm by myself and can't get her out of my mind. I'll know her for a while and eventually she will be gone. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain.

>>9881
sucks 2 suck

Anyway. I'm happy that I get to spend time with her in any capacity. I'm sure I'll feel worse tonight when I'm trying to get to sleep but for now I'm just glad that I know her. I'll try to work some self improvement into my life and maintain a positive demeanor. Disappointing her would make me sad.