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/hikki/ - NEET / Advice

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File: 1639786372713.gif (1.32 MB, 640x640, jack-frost-smt.gif)

 No.6987

How do you deal with an embarrassing past?
Also, share your embarrassing past. None will beat mine.

Humiliation is hard to overcome because I feel like I'm a trash human being, I'm constantly afraid that people will see my past in the afterlife and see all the humiliating things that happened to me and cringe. I can't be friends with them because I feel unworthy of their friendship.

I was a special ed student at 5 years old, spent all my youth with disabled people, they would lock me up in a padded room with no light when I misbehaved anyhow or didn't listen to the teacher.
I went to normal school after that and the teacher refused to let me use the bathroom, I peed my pants in front of the whole class and was bullied for 3 years over it.
I was bullied in 3 different schools because I had been sheltered and spoiled by my parents who thought they had a "special son".
I was beaten by bullies, isolated, humiliated, and had no friends for years.
I became bitter and angry and joined the chans, which fucked me up even more with gore videos and whatnot.
My parents left me to rot as a NEET for years to take care of my sisters and never paid attention to me.
I know my dad and mom hate me secretly and prefer my two sisters who are neurotypical.
I was an autistic retard, my whole youth. I can't overcome that and become someone I'm not. I will always be a retard.

 No.6988

>>6987
no idea, something I struggle with
autistic NEET, tons of weird and embarassed retarded shit in my past and everytime I make friends or get close to someone I just nuke things and start over because they might find out who I am

 No.6989

same

 No.6990

Big same

 No.6992

File: 1639945218087.webm (7.96 MB, 490x360, ZAMAGI It's So Good Now ….webm)

I forget about it and focus on now instead.

 No.6995

>>6992
Mmm no I think it's too late for me, I'm gonna sudoku soon.

 No.6996

>>6995
>I think it's too late for me
>I think
You can always change your thinking. It's not too late while you're still here.

 No.6997

>>6996
How do I live knowing that I am autistic beyond repair?

 No.6998

>>6996
But what if changing your thinking doesn't do anything?

 No.7001

>>6987
yall ever just be going about your day and your mind reminds you of that time you pissed yourself in the school assembly and shows you the piss puddle in the empty assembly hall
my mind just constantly reminds me of embarrassing shit fun fun fun

 No.7003

i remember when i slipped on someones vomit in 2nd grade and fell on it and everyone laughed at me and i got sick

 No.7005

>>7004
That's not embarassing anon, your mom is just a toxic person it seems. My mom did the same thing when I went to her in 9th grade to tell her things that troubled me.

You have no reason to take anything out on yourself over this. Seems she might've gaslighted you into thinking so

You are the victim, I have shit ton of brain fog so I can't come up with anything else, so take care

 No.7006

its too late

 No.7011

>>6997
Stop thinking you're autistic beyond repair and think about the life you want to live.
>>6998
It could be that you're still thinking thoughts that block your new line of thought. Alternatively your old line of thinking could be so deeply rooted that it'll take a while for the new thoughts to override it.

Patience is the key and what you focus on is what you're gonna get more of.

 No.7015

>>7011
What when you don't know what kind of life you want?

 No.7017

>>7015
The answer is already within you, but is likely repressed by outside influences. Disconnecting from the world and spending more time with your own thoughts will bring you closer to it. For starters, you could think about the life you don't want to live and then think about the opposite to that way of life.

 No.7030

nothing beats being pathetically heartbroken

 No.7042

File: 1641217120762.jpg (55.06 KB, 981x698, 6813e30d1c028034446edcccd9….jpg)

>"embarrassing past"
>describes being subjected to chronic child abuse

 No.7043

I was put in solitary confinement too as a kid for being labeled autistic. You’re probably American, this a very American problem. It’s an immense human rights abuse that i’ve been angry about for years and had a very negative impact on my life. There were weeks where I would arrive at school, get put in that cell, and not get let out until the bell rang. for the day to be over. This went on and off for for 3 years before I got switched to another school.
There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, this culture fucked you over like it fucked me over. The only thing you can do is move on in spite of that, and maybe if you gives you some purpose, like it does for me, use the hope of organizing to abolish solitary confinement in “schools” as a motivator to get out of bed.

 No.7049

Just dont talk about it. if you have to mention it, keep it brief.

"yea xyz happened a few years back, im over it / i changed"

make it a footnote and you wont have ot explain to people.

 No.7050

honestly?

i want to fucking die!!

 No.7072

>>6987
Learn from it, don't bring it up, and consider external references to it like rolling a 1 in dnd.

 No.7151

>>7050
same

 No.7154

what?

 No.7156

>>7050
You deserve better. I wish that someday you no longer want to die.

 No.7161

i dont want to share but i feel taht way too, like im messed up for life i really just want to die!!!!!

 No.7182

File: 1652700848560.png (40.84 KB, 212x346, 23.png)

>>7043
The state of American public schools is a very understated yet critical issue in that country, even among "dissident" forums such as imageboards. I don't think it's really been grounded into people who were subject to this system how it effected their childhoods and adolescence.

 No.7209

Nevermind my embarrassing past; Let's talk about my embarrassing present; Let's talk about my embarrassing future!

 No.7445

I sometimes see threads like these and want to post but in the back of my mind have suspicion that a family member installed something on my laptop allowing them to watch everything I'm looking at - so I won't.

 No.7446

>>6987
>None will beat mine.
>Humiliation is hard to overcome because I feel like I'm a trash human being
>I was an autistic retard, my whole youth
Literally me

 No.7447

>>7042
this

 No.7448

File: 1664973015067.png (154.86 KB, 432x539, sad.png)

>>7445
Non ironically take meds. This much paranoia is definitely something that can be made better with medication. I inherited some schizophrenia from my parent and after medication I can now discern what is a real concern and what is me schizoing out.

>>OP

I fucked a tranny for six months. I was too lonely and hugless/hand holdingless virgin at 27 yo and since I can't talk to woman I resorted to the ugliest tranny I could find on tinder. Pounded his fat ugly and hairy ass for six months on end… Do not recommend.
It did however taught me a lot. Trial by fire if you will.

 No.7467

>>6987
I was bullied, humiliated, mistreated in my youth and I still feel major resentment. Trying to distance myself from this and fix my anger

 No.7468

>>7467
And its embarrassing when something that happened to me as a kid still has a profound effect on me, its helped me justify mistreating people and its just made me a bad person.

 No.7477

File: 1665918953055.jpg (25.54 KB, 632x319, 59554946_493804591153646_3….jpg)

Please enjoy my embarrassingly long post.

I have multiple kinds of embarrassing pasts; I'm in an embarrassing present, I anticipate embarrassing futures.

I've been bullied, I've been a bully, I've been an extreme fuckup (and still am, at almost 30), and I've been so paralyzed by my remorse over this dark past that I've been, at points, embarrassingly dysfunctional. Embarrassing isn't quite the word I think this thread is looking for. Maybe 'remorseful and traumatic' might suit it better….

OP does indeed beat mine, I never experienced abuse at that level. In my life, I've abused more than I've been abused. I don't expect sympathy for my remorse over being a real piece of shit, indeed it'd probably be painful if you were sympathetic to me, but I really do feel remorse. I won't go into details, but suffice to say some of the stuff I did was illegal, and some of it was the kind of stuff that's illegal in every society and always has been.

My life is filled with embarrassing and stupid moments and I remember them well. In elementary school, I was bullied a lot, mostly for being weird and overweight and bad at academics, and sports, and everything else that a child is judged in. My young childhood was basically just me fucking up over and over and over again, without stopping. Sometimes, especially when people wouldn't leave me alone, I would lash out, often more violently than anyone was ready for. Most of the time, I threatened them to make sure they didn't tell anyone that I was the one who did it. One time that didn't work, but I still somehow got off with an apology. These incidents were rare, but intense for a kid under the age of ten.

Things got bad when I was a teenager, and I stopped being someone who didn't know how to talk to people, and started really trying to figure out how people worked. Puberty took me from fat to lean in two years. I started succeeding in class. I figured out what made people laugh, or what sort of words embarrassed other people. I gaslit and manipulated people, offended people or broke their stuff just to act like a victim and turn other people against them, stuff like that. I flew close to the sun a lot, but I never got caught. The only people who knew were the ones I targeted to isolate - unlikable people who others didn't want to believe. I realized I was getting a little out of control and tried to simmer down. At around the same time, I started to feel bad about the fact that there was clearly something wrong with me (something I'd known for a long time, but decided I didn't care about).

I tried to keep it under control, but in the last years of high school, my social life got me into touch with alcohol, and even though I was trying to stop it, I guess I really wasn't ready to deal with being some kind of sociopath and being drunk at the same time. Things got really bad. No details. but if you can imagine what a mean drunk teenager can do, then you might imagine what a mean drunk sociopath teenager leading a group can do. It wasn't only one incident, but there was definitely one that stood above the others. When I woke up the next morning without even a hangover, I didn't know what was going to happen.

I got off scot-free, this time without any manipulating on my part. Not 'got off easy' or even 'just a warning' but actually consequence free, as if it hadn't happened at all. If I had been reported and thrown under the bus, I wouldn't have resisted. But nobody called me out. Not a single person. I asked someone who was there. They looked at the ground and told me 'it's fine.' They didn't say another word. To this day, that's the only acknowledgement of this incident I've ever had. I was angry at everyone else at first, but I figured out pretty quick that I was the person I should most be angry at. Anger quickly melted into despair at who I was and what I had done.

 No.7478

>>7477
continued

I stopped talking to everyone from my school or social life. I soon turned 18, applied to a college, and moved away immediately. I shut myself up in an apartment, I stopped talking, I ate a small meal of cheap veggies twice a week, and started hurting myself in various ways. I would lay in bed at night and just replay those moments over and over in my head. Not just some nights, but every night. For over a year without stopping. Nightmares became so bad I would go days without sleeping just out of fear. I was equally upset at the notion of being caught and condemned as I was about being forgiven. Things eventually fell apart, and by the end, I was so underweight I couldn't run. I couldn't even walk any faster than a slow, zombie-like shuffle. My hands shook, and after my family took me into a health exam, I had induced a heart problem. My past was 'embarrassing' me to death.

It took me a few years to deal with it to any extent. I didn't want to die, because that would make the people who love me sad. I didn't want to do any more bad things. Even if it really seemed like I deserved to die, making them sad was just another bad thing. It's been years since then and my opinion on it will never change, but I understand now that in life there are always consequences, but no justice. There were other embarrassing incidents along the way - this time not involving me hurting other people. Being caught hurting myself, being chewed out for being useless, and of course, being hikki and neet, something I've been on-and-off ever since.

I'd still never admit it; I've told almost no one. I've never known the person I want to be, but I've always been aware of the person I don't want to be. I just ended up doing it anyway - because I'm an autistic retard. No one ever put me in a padded cell and called me that, but I'll always be that - a person who isn't normal and can't live normally, and can't even stop themselves from fucking everything up. There's not much point in hating myself anymore (there's nothing new to learn from the constant, endless refrains), and I've gotten better about it, but I can't stop that either.

I did it to myself; OP didn't. It should make a difference, but I'm not sure it really does. I should have gone to jail for what I did, but I didn't. Everything has consequences, but justice is just in our heads. Either way, we experienced something that was so intense, it branded us. We created that world in our head where we're absolutely that - retarded and broken and useless. What happened definitely happened - no use trying to pretend it didn't. But how we judge it, what we perceive to be the final truth of the matter belongs to us. Most of us, myself included, can't just change our mind about it and go "oh, gosh, guess I'm not a retard after all!" Brands don't rub off with warm water. But if we can make a part of ourselves that condemns us, then we have the mental capacity to make a part of ourselves that can free us.

I'm still a fuckup, and I'm still suffering, and I'm still the person who did what they did. But I've learned I like myself better when I'm not awful to people, and I haven't done it in many years. I've got a lot of problems, but they aren't the same problems I had back then, and the brand isn't the same either. I try to think in terms of consequences and not just feelings or ideas. Back then, I had to ask myself: is what I'm doing good? Can I live with myself? Later I had to learn to ask myself: is how I'm hurting myself good? If dying is bad, then can I live with myself this way?

TL;DR I deal with 'embarrassment' by asking myself "is this really relevant to right now? Does this memory, this feeling, help me at all? Does it help anyone else? Can I live like this?" If the answer to all of that is no, then that feeling, and the judgment that made it, is something you can and should work against. Don't expect to wrestle it down and declare yourself champion for life. It'll be more like guerilla warfare. Just remember that it's not your friend, and be aware that the less you believe it, the weaker it gets.

 No.7479

>>7478
da hell did you do boy god damn

 No.7497

>>7448
Is it easier to get a boyfriend than a girlfriend, or are other men just as selective in who they prefer?

 No.7503

holy shit I've been looking for a thread like this. I'm obsessing over the past. I worry that even if i become the president or something crazy like that, people will find out about my past and destroy all that I will have accomplished up to that point. This is why I have no ambition.

 No.7509

Don't really have it in me to write anything long-winded at the moment, but I struggle with daily things normal people find effortless and it sucks, especially at my age. I've only kind of learned to conceal it and play it cool, but this base incompetence follows me around no matter where I go it seems like.

 No.7530

File: 1669388211537.jpeg (110.77 KB, 749x732, A961E1CB-DE69-4D1B-814F-9….jpeg)

Embarrassment is a huge set off for me. Spent a lot of my childhood as a non masking autistic and I ended up getting in a lot of shit situations because people could point at me and say ‘yep that’s definitely an autistic.

must’ve been in like fourth grade when I realised I had forgotten one day that it was own clothes day (uniformed school lel) and everyone else had come in their clothes while I was in my uniform. Ended up having a huge meltdown in the street because of my embarrassment, got stared at loads.
Own clothes days have set me off ever since, I even broke down in twelfth grade when I realised I had done it again and I had to go home because I was crying so much.

I still don’t know how to deal with it, since embarrassment kind of comes pre packaged with being autistic in such a society. Getting jeered at, stared at, wondering why you’re so different.

Embarrassments just never been my favorite feeling in the world



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