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/hikki/ - NEET / Advice

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🎉🎉🎉 Happy Birthday Madotsuki! 🎉🎉🎉

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I missed out on everything as a kid. I was always left alone by my peers which fucked me up of any social skills in the long run. I still have trouble holding a conversation. Have you guys had any trouble as a kid? This extreme isolation happened from 3rd to 8th grade which was enough to cripple me possibly my whole life. Or what is left of it anyway. Nearly 6 years of my life consisted of going home from school and back. Every day. Never talk with anyone, not even with family. Just me and my thoughts from a young age

I don't want to be like those other anons who just vent out shit here, so I'll ask the question, have you guys went through something similar that had a damaging effect on you? I still feel bits of loneliness from it.

pic unrelated FLCL just makes me feel like shit


I'm honestly scared making this thread. I am not a lurker but it's still anxiety filling thinking I may bring up some unpleasant memories to some anons. Maybe it's the coffee. Mods please delete if you know best and sorry


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i wouldn't be sorry anon. we're all friends here, even if we'll all call you a fag.

my life was pretty much the same from being a kid to when i left school, and even when i was still able to work i didn't talk to my coworkers unless i absolutely had to. i don't think anyone can be in that kind of state of isolation and not develop some weird ways of thinking and fucked up, recursive logic for the way the world works. i think it's damaging in more ways than just being starved of contact, because you'll inevitably end up justifying your isolation in some way, by blaming others or yourself in the most toxic of ways.

the only real human interaction i had (and still have tbh) was with randos online, but that could never really fill the void for me. do you use imageboards a lot, or interact in forums or irc's at all? i always find it so empty, even moreso than my few interactions with my family, though i guess it's good that i talk to them sometimes nowadays, at least…

for me, i wonder if my early categorisation as being an asocial nerd who liked walking through the backend of nowhere was just early symptoms of extreme social anxiety. when you're a kid, it's harder to understand what the fuck is wrong with you, and for others to do the same. and like you say, it kinda fucked me up forever as well. i not only didn't get to develop normal skills like holding conversations or looking people in the eye, but i ended up not noticing what was actually going on until i was too alone, too poor, and seemingly unable to fix it.


Exact same experience. It was pretty much voluntary though.


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Similar story for early life. Only ever had friends on 1st grade and we never talked (we just gathered sticks together outside). After 1st grade I was left alone, but I didn't mind it. It was nice to just think alone all-day. It was like this for the rest of my school years. surprisingly I was never bullied for it.
As for this isolation having a damaging effect? Surely yes. I try to avoid places and times of day where I would have to meet people. If someone asks me anything usually my response is just one word and I get called absent-minded for this, but guess I am. Hehe.
Life is currently pleasant overall and i don't mind my past or present.


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(op here. Dashchan)

>do you use imageboards a lot, or interact in forums or irc's at all?

> i always find it so empty

I agree. It never feels like I'm part of something. It doesn't matter if I've been in a group for a year and half. It doesn't matter if everyone knows me as another one of them, sees me as an individual. I will always feel empty and lonely. I have a habit of deleting socials and making new accounts as a "new beginning". It doesn't matter if its something I did or just out of nowhere. It always happens eventually and I end up at square one.


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>Life is currently pleasant overall and i don't mind my past or present.
not a bad state to be in at all tbh. there's something peak-comfy about just riding the wave of whatever state you've ended up in.

>It doesn't matter if everyone knows me as another one of them, sees me as an individual. I will always feel empty and lonely.

fuck, i relate to that. ever wonder if you're just stupid and haven't found the "right" group to be in yet? it's true for some people, but sadly i think other people are just made to be alone even if they hate it.

>I have a habit of deleting socials and making new accounts as a "new beginning".

i was in that kind of loop for years, and only gave it up because i ran out of motivation to make more throwaway emails for it. it's kind of weird to remember people's names but not have a single person who could recognise me by my online aliases anymore. i hope you get out of it and find an actual place to belong.


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>ever wonder if you're just stupid and haven't found the "right" group to be in yet?

Always. I was really scared of this when I was in late high school (11th to 12th grade) it suddenly hit me like a train that I either find a group right now or spend my life possibly by myself all alone, but no matter how hard I tried to fit in with other people I just couldn't. The closest I went to being a functional social person was when I joined this random Turkish guys Discord server, and I actually started to use Discord a lot because of it, though I also saw the friend group crumble around me too. Even if I was really well known and loved by all members I still felt extremely lonely and it hurt a lot. It hurts a bit writing this too

Kinda similar background I think(?) I was a very social kid in 1st and 2nd grade, when I went to a different school in 3rd grade I was always left alone by others. The only times my middle school "friends" "hanged out" with me was in 8th grade, when I told the school counsellor about my suicidal tendencies. Figured easily she told them to hang out with me, since she couldn't really bother considering she tried to ship me off to CPS as soon as she could.

I do not trust theraphy because of her. My dad made fun of me for a whole year because of her. I will and do base me not getting help solely on her and I do not care.

>do you use imageboards a lot, or interact in forums or irc's at all?
I know I answered to this in 6632, but I'd like to add more)

I started to use 4chan back in 8th grade, I really liked the anonymity it gave me. If i posted anything in Facebook or whatever my peers would find ways to berate me with them, I really liked that I could take on anon identities in 4chan and other forums. Going into high school I kinda figured I didn't agree with the same things as the people of 4chan talk about, so I searched for other boards, lainchan etc etc… and ended up here. Uboachan is really nice. Some people in high school thought I was really cool for a while (because I used imageboards lol) but that didn't last long and they moved on.

This was probably the longest post I've ever made my whole life. Definitely has some errors. sorry in advance


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>I really liked that I could take on anon identities in 4chan and other forums

yeah, same. i think this is why i keep coming back to imageboards, despite wanting "actual" friends i can talk to on a more personal level. for some reason the anonymity is much more comfortable for me than having any kind of name to my posts. i often change which boards i use and my typing styles to make myself even less identifiable from day to day.


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I went through the same shit anon. but judging by the replies it's depressingly common. I actually think it will become even more common in the coming years as the cumulative damage from how things are these days starts to show.


I was the type of kid in school that made an ass out of himself in grades 1-7, which got me a small clique of "friends" that laughed behind my back, save for one dude that forced me to end a growing relationship with a nerdy girl my age because he thought "I was too cool for her and it would ruin our image/friendship". Then as I matured, I became extremely reserved and forced into class with sociopaths and ghetto retards. During my high school years, a lot of fucked up abuse went on (including an event which lead to hospitalization and a permanent ugly scar on my chest and stomach), which lead to a lot of body issues. It was so bad, quitting school was a plausible option. But I manned up and got my diploma. Now I'm just another anon looking for a job that leaves me with enough time to tend to my own hobbies.


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Went through basically the same.
Socially isolated growing up, and the little interactions I did have probably ruined me in the head considering how little I trust to talk even with my parents nowadays. I repressed most of my life and now I have problems remembering and problems being honest in a conversation.
Trust issues I guess, always a feeling I have to please the other person, getting attached too quickly because of a lack of understanding social norm, feeling simultaneously accepted as part of the group and yet thinking they would all be better off without me and won't even notice if I'm gone.

I think I have been better off not socializing. If I can't be alright with myself, I won't be alright with anyone else, and they won't need to bother with me.


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Because of work reasons I was dragged off to internet cafe's at the age of 6 or so,I spent 4-12 hours a day there, everyday(averaging around 8-9 hours a day) until I was 11 and the internet cafe I went to went bankrupt. I actually had a few friends there, but they obviously couldn't be playing in the internet cafe as much as I, and our relationship was more like distant older brothers/little kid than anything else because they were all way older than me, so I spent the vast majority of my time alone. There was only a specific set of games there and because I was too young, and didn't know english or any sites in my native language basically everyday was spent playing the same games over and over again, at some point I started acting like there are various different me's in my head(like a tall one, fat one, etc. all with different opinions and ideas) and I would talk to them, though thankfully that stopped by itself after a few months.

I would almost never talk with my parents, because they woüld always come home past midnight, though I myself would go to sleep extremely late too(like 12pm as a 7 year old, a few years later I would start spending going to sleep only at 4-6am, and only get 4 or so hours of sleep a day because of school and whatnot). Until I was 11 or so I would rarely see my mother, and my relationship with her was extremely bad with her. I would rarely see my older brother too, since he got chased out of the house when I was 5 or so, and I've only seen my older sister 10 times or something my whole life.

At school I actually had a decent social life, several times I had my own little group of 3-4 people that I would lead, and in 4th grade I was the best friend of the class' "chad" so to speak; that same kid introduced me to anime, which basically became my downfall though.

Because my parents were always at work, and because I spent my entire childhood at the internet cafe without being let outside I couldn't navigate the streets at all, and due to that I spent every summer vacation at home with nothing to do, instead of playing with school friends.

At that time(summer vac of 4th grade) I had already learned english well enough to read english subtitles on anime without problem, and my brother had recently given me his PC too, so I started to watch anime on my PC, all the time. But that soon became a coping mechanic to deal with my horrible surroundings(all alone at home everyday, poor so I live in a disgusting squatter's house where there's no shower at all and no plumbing, shit like that) and I started thinking exclusively of anime girls, self-inserting, etc and started hating everybody, especially my parents. I even snapped one day and was about to stab my father from behind one day, but I pussied out at the last second, and thinking back I think he knew I was going to do it.

Anyway, that isolation caused me to lose all of my social skills in just a single summer vacation, and the immense loathing I had of other people stopped me from trying to improve it too. By the start of 5th grade I had turned into somebody who would exclusively interact with others by shaking his head or nodding, and I continued that until 7th grade, where I finally became a bit more normal and less angsty, though I still had no friends. By 10th grade I became somebody who could interact normally, though awkwardly, with other people, but I also became somebody who literally doesn't give a single shit about social interaction, and can't even feel lonely anymore. Even now in my working life I just go to work, go straight home the moment my shift ends, and then spend all my free time on the internet. I haven't had a single friend since that guy from 4th grade, and to be honest I'll probably kill myself when I run out of fun things to do in the internet.

This became a 10k word long autistic blogpost instead, but I'm too lazy to sift through my post and shorten it



I hope you're ok.


going through the same shit as you man.
not that it means much coming from some ghost on a forum, but I hope things get less terrible for you.

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