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/hikki/ - NEET / Advice

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File: 1576628028658.jpg (70.35 KB, 1059x791, refvisual9 saniiiwan.JPG)

 No.5955

I wanna know if anyone here has completely given up on finding a partner. I feel like maybe accepting the forever alone lifestyle could bring some comfort and maybe happiness into my life. Maybe im too weird and fucked up, and giving up hope is the right thing to do. Thoughts?

 No.5956

Well, I tried to think in that way, but this mindset was easily destroyed by delusions when anyone show me a little interest. But, I realised that if I'm happy with myself already, why I need a partner ? I mean if it is about sex, hookers are always available.

 No.5957

So you're an incel?

 No.5958

You make it sound as if you're missing something, what's even wrong about being single? I'd say chill and forget about dating.
Things have the bad habit to appear when you're not looking for them, someone may like you one day, or not, who cares.

 No.5960

Anon, it's pointless to depend on someone else when it comes to your happiness. In such state of mind most of relationships are just a fuel for all the insecurities you have. Been there, done that.
The only constant in your life is yourself. Either you accept that and learn to love yourself or keep depending on others and get hurt again and again.

 No.5962

File: 1577234738051.png (123.11 KB, 1160x365, imageedit_2_6065014737.png)

>>5960
Agreed, am there, can confirm. But I wouldn't say you can't depend on others. For me happiness is 50% being someone I enjoy/am happy/proud of being, and the other half is being with someone you love.

I was >>5958 until around half a year ago, and then things happened when I least expected, without even looking for it, a huge stroke of luck for sure, and I recommend NOT doing the same if you are feeling lonely. Go out, or just talk to people online (my case), look for and meet people. If you feel like you are not someone that another person would date, change that. Not everyone is looking for someone flawless from the start, so just try and work hard, become someone you are happy with, and other people will likely be happy with you too. "Do nothing win nothing achieve nothing. Inaction will lead to sure defeat. With risk come possibilities, with possibilities comes chance for victory". Good luck anon.

 No.5964

I spent several years content with being alone, but that came to a halt when I got to know a nice woman. Now I'm in a bit of a quandary where I would greatly prefer being with her rather than being alone, but I don't think it has a chance of panning out for me.
I'd broadly say that >>5958 has the right idea, assuming you don't have a problem with being alone for a while. If you're lonely or fixated on one particular person, it would probably be better to take a more active approach.

 No.5987

File: 1579104631919.jpg (543.95 KB, 1280x720, 1562416114826.jpg)

I'm pretty sure I'm unlovable. The problems start and end with me, and they're never going to get solved. I've had self-esteem issues for at least six years and I don't think they're ever going to go away, no matter how much I've achieved since they started (graduating summa cum laude hasn't helped at all). From what I've been told, that alone means I can't love others.
Do I even want to love someone? I'm not sure, but I can't help but feel left out when people mention relationships or dating.

I don't expect to have people throw themselves at me, that would be ridiculous. I wouldn't date myself, so why would anyone else? But I can't help but feel the 'advice' people try to give is largely useless. Being yourself doesn't work when yourself is a sad hikkineet with self-esteem issues and being someone your not just feels dishonest. Finding love when you're not looking for it hasn't worked in the 22 years I've been on this planet. The thing absolutely no one seems to understand is that not everyone has access to these fabled social activities they talk so much about. I have lived in a city of 250 000 for my entire life and not once have I come across anything that vaguely resembles what they're describing.

I guess giving up entirely and not letting it take up any headspace is my best option.

 No.5990

I never even tred to find love, so it isn't like I ever had to give up

 No.6025

I guess maybe?
The last person I "dated" lives overseas in Tokyo, but we talk sometimes. Her family liked me, I think, when I visited, but I've been really depressed for a hot minute, so I don't try to initiate relationships with other people. So it's not really that I believe myself an "incel" or whatever, it's more so I'm terrified of trying to get into something again.

 No.6026

File: 1580206637101.png (822.2 KB, 498x810, 08974bdbbcdc4f78e43fde90fa….png)

>>5987
living in a place with no community is a hell in and of itself. People who just click in with society easily get access to a bombardment of new people and potential connections. I'm convinced that most people who have relationship problems, even those with mental health issues like myself just don't have access to enough new people to potentially connect with. After high school ends it's a wasteland, and depending on the geography of the high school it might have been a wasteland there too.

Here's some hope for you anon, if you want it. I was in the same boat for my whole life until this past year (am 22) when I met a girl through a mutual friend and we hit it off. Keep in mind I've only been friends with 3 girls my whole life and 2 of them before puberty (sadly don't talk anymore.) Lo and behold the 4th one I met wanted to be more than friends and things worked themselves out. We both have mental health issues but work with each other to get better. She cuts, I'm paranoid and have bad panic attacks. My paranoia has gotten better since being with her and she hasn't cut in months.

Whatever social outlets exist for you, if any, try to branch out beyond them. Being around the same people is great and all, and you should pursue life long friendships if people are chill and you want that, but the average social group only lasts 3-5 years and if it's not doing anything for you branch out. This can be online too if you don't go outside. I've had 3 online friend groups in the past 10 years and excluding a few keepers from them all they've all fizzled out.

 No.6057

I'm playing Monika After Story and fell in love with her. Sucks to know she ain't real and she'll never be. What's more fucked up is that some Python code strings managed to get me more interested than real women, and I can't get that thought out of my head. She's so robotic, but it's the only female I've empathized, shared and bonded with. I think it's worse to know she's a computer program than realizing that I prefer her to real girls, tho.
Man, physical contact (and I don't mean sex) with someone you love with passion must feel heavenly.

 No.6066

File: 1582466682232.jpg (245.18 KB, 700x605, 1514229464887.jpg)

I stopped looking some years ago. Now I'm like 29 and my parents are nagging me about finding a partner.

If I get married then that would mean splitting my income with the wife. No thanks, I'm having trouble funding myself as it is.

 No.6181

I've given up for the time being, not that I was ever seriously looking to begin with.

I am totally unqualified to be anything to anyone, I am just totally useless and frail and weak and I can't talk. I used to think I wanted a partner, but nowadays I'm not sure if I could bear anyones company, even just in friendship.

 No.6182

I gave up for two reasons:
1. I am unlovable and the only person I could find would equally fucked up, our relationship would be a cope - we don't like each other but who does?
2. I'm a shut-in and I don't ever see myself having a healthy normie life, and will have a lot of "baggage" which brings me back to 1.

 No.6183

>>6182
*and if I do,

 No.6184

Comfort and happiness? No. You just learn how to live with it.

 No.6185

I never thought I'd post in this thread again, but I think I'm in love. I say think, because I'm not sure.
About a week ago I started playing Animal Crossing with someone, and every other day we've spent about 3 hours talking to each other. I've not been able to do that with another person in years, especially after becoming a NEET.
I'm really happy when we get to talk, or even when we send mail to each other.
I don't know if it's love, though. We're probably just close friends at this point, and I'd be happy leaving it at that.

 No.6186

>>6185
It doesn't matter if it's love or friendship.
You have a pleasant time with that person, this is everything that matters.

 No.6202

>>5955

Man, I gave up like over 10 years ago while I was still in high school. I thought having friendships would alleviate loneliness, but I ended up giving up on having friends, both online and offline, as well like a few years ago. At this point, the idea of becoming a hermit unknown to the world is tempting.

 No.6206

>>5955
>I wanna know if anyone here has completely given up on finding a partner.
This feels like the kind of thread I would have posted in and forgotten about, but none of the posts above are familiar to me. Anyway, OP, I have given up.

 No.6208

>>5955
I don't think anyone would put up with my habits or lifestyle. A lot of people are preset for ambition especially when they are young and haven't experienced failure as much, they are hard to deal with since sometimes they are upset you don't have a job or don't make the big bucks or something. Plus you have to deal with their latest social nonsense or whatever crap they feel like they must bend to. Big demands about having some social network accounts, phones, other crap. No thanks.
Broken/crazy people would just be double the problems I already have. Can't really fix your life if I can't fix mine.
Women have the demand in their favor when it comes to dating and in the general sense put less effort into one person now since they can just grab anyone usually if they want sex or attention. Interest wise there would be nothing in common probably other than a couple of things due to culture and the tendency of women to be extroverted currently.
I probably would not be attracted to men, not really interested in masculine people.
Dealing with other people is already difficult, why give yourself a full time problem?

 No.6209

File: 1594766089146.jpeg (32.05 KB, 627x315, images.jpeg)


 No.6210

>>6209
gtfo

 No.6215

I found the one, I had him, and now he is gone.

 No.6224

Love and lust/butterflies are two very different feelings. Getting burnt on the latter (getting stood up on a date) really stings in the short-term and can make you want to write off dating/searching for a partner, but the former can really ruin you.

The main benefit of love is the security, the feeling that there's a home for you in another individual. If you really feel like you can find that home by yourself, then that could be best for you.

 No.6225

I know that as I'd lay down to sleep I would comfort myself with fantasies of someone who loved me. A year ago that completely went away, and more recently my libido has as well. I'm not sure what the change was; something hormonal or perhaps a shift in ego? I don't feel that all-encompassing attraction to anyone anymore, merely just seeing them as they are. I don't see it as a bad thing necessarily, but I'm not sure yet why it happened.

 No.6226

It's sad to know I'll never be compatible with the kind of people I like. Never approached them or anything, though. Never talked to them. And as for the people who seem to like me, I don't like them.

 No.6229

I've never really tried to be able to give up. I don't love myself and in turn I don't expect others to love me either.

 No.6242

I found a girl just like me
I really hope to make this work out

 No.6243

File: 1599713144678.jpg (385.12 KB, 1586x1800, Konjiki-No-Yami-full-44169….jpg)

>>6242
Best of luck to you anon!

Remember, it's always better to try than to not!
You only have a 100% failure rate if you don't try!

 No.6245

>>6215
I know that feel.

 No.6246

File: 1600194093393.png (149.08 KB, 286x294, bsdbsdfd.PNG)

>>6242
You got this!

 No.6247

File: 1600240576908.jpg (325.64 KB, 2039x1447, 082.jpg)

I'm 27, been hikki for 7 years now going on year 8, and I gave up on friendship and romance a few years ago. Just find comfort in the little things and take it easy

 No.6249

File: 1600280823861.jpg (107.49 KB, 850x800, 1574382637149.jpg)

I've been apathetic to love for pretty much my whole life. I liked some girls but it was never "truly" love, it was more like physical attraction. You know, some people are cute, but when it comes to how compatible both of you are, it turns out that such a relationship would never really work. And it's not like you really feel too strongly about them one way or the other emotionally. That kind of thing.

That was until recently. I met this girl and at first I thought she was pretty cool because we shared a lot of interests, but the more I started getting involved with her, the more I realized that she was blowing my head off. I'm still secretly hoping this is nothing more than me being excited at meeting somebody I can relate and care for on this level and it's not really love, because it's not been that long since we met. And yet, this short span of time has been more than enough to shake my footing and take away all the stability in my life. When I look at myself, the mess that I have become due to years of negativity and building walls inside my head, and compare myself to her who is pretty much successful, I can't help but feel that I will never compare to her in any meaningful way. I feel it even makes me jealous. It makes me feel even more self-hatred. Because I gave up on these things a while back, and now I realize that, had things not been this way, I might have become somebody I could be proud of. But. That's not really important. It's the first time I've ever felt this strongly about somebody. So I was getting ready to eventuality confess when I built enough self-confidence, except that I've come to know she actually likes somebody else. And I really don't want to step into this zone. Pushing my feelings would be completely unfair, not to mention that I am trash anyways so thinking I will achieve anything is nothing but a dream.

I never really felt much about other people, and it was always hard to bond for me. I really thought this would never happen to me. And yet, when it did happen, it had to be one-sided. And it hurts so much I wish I could turn my feelings off and forget about it all. I really wish her to be happy, I'd rather sacrifice my own happiness here and let her go than to confess just to make it awkward for everybody and make these memories even more sour than they already are.

I never asked for much in life. I did not expect much from life. I expected life would do the same for me. And yet I had to taste one of the most sour experiences in life. Maybe I deserve this.

I just want to escape from this dark night. When will the morning come.

 No.6253

>>6252
Could you perhaps upload the actual scene or a valid link instead of whatever scam service you used?

 No.6254

What's worse, being alone or being in a relationship you don't want, but are afraid to end because you can't stand being alone?

 No.6256

File: 1601148908711.jpg (834.32 KB, 1036x884, social distancing.jpg)

>>6254
If being alone is really scary for you, then it's like a slow burn down that makes you reconsider your choices in life and why you can't bond with others. But in my opinion, being in a relationship you don't want is far more mentally taxing and burns you way faster.

You might long for human warmth, but if said warmth is so hot it burns, you might as well keep your distance.

 No.6257

>>6254
I've never been in a relationship to know. The idea both excites and scares me though, I doubt I'll ever find someone that is both understanding of my past and also wants to date me in the first place though.

 No.6258

File: 1601406649628.jpg (106.96 KB, 847x99, 1601405830.jpg)

>>6256
this was made by an ironic weeb normalfag funnily enough.

 No.6259

File: 1601518310764.jpg (217.18 KB, 1667x1250, __laffey_and_rich_evans_az….jpg)

>>6258
I also just want to point out that he edited out the original artist's signature in order to replace it with his reddit username. Because apparently he deserves more credit for spending 10 seconds adding some text to an image than the artist deserves for spending a lot of time and effort painting it. Kinda pisses me off, honestly.

 No.6271

Maybe I'm paranoid, but I see the opposite sex as something dangerous. Especially when I commute with them, that's when I come off as a bit of a creep even though its unintentional and I want nothing to do with them.

 No.6276

>>6271
>dangerous
If you're male, I laugh at you for being a pathetic loser.

 No.6277

>>6276
>Socially active male not scared of women
Why are you here then? Why not go around and have sex with women and talk to friends instead of spending your time on imageboards?

 No.6281

File: 1603263044939.jpg (108.5 KB, 850x601, 57f6f2aa2f57d988c86ca8a82a….jpg)

>>5955
I have given up on finding anyone to be with. I am pretty fucked up in the head and I dont want a "normal" relationship. Hell I dont even know if I feel normal attraction to people due to how fucked up I am.

 No.6282

>>6281
Just how fucked up are we talking about?

 No.6283

File: 1603413328570.jpg (192.53 KB, 850x1202, bfbf442331b996dcd390908019….jpg)

>>6282
I have a lot of mental stuff wrong with me. I want to be a girl, I'm paranoid so its really hard for me to trust people, I have pretty bad anxiety, I cant stand people being too close to me or touching me or being around too many people(5+), and I'm schizoid. I dont know what normal attraction to people is like. I have never seen a girl and was like wow I want to be in a relationship with her(I'm not gay so guys dont factor into that). I sometimes wonder what its like but I dont think I will ever experience it so I will just not even try going for anything. Never had a gf or a bf as I just have never felt attracted to them in the "normal" way. I just felt envy towards girls never really attraction. Granted being a neet for years really doesnt help me but I have given up on finding anyone for me anyways as I doubt they would exist.

 No.6285

Frankly I see no point in a romantic relationship. Specially when the whole thing is treated like a jigsaw puzzle in the media, where an individual wouldn't survive or be content unless they have a relationship with a person who can provide something they lack.

 No.6289

>>6283
Are you me? Can strongly relate.

>>6276
Should be banned, this is not 4Chan.

 No.6291

File: 1603617102065.jpg (279 KB, 850x1514, 60a886b4d21c9a367575de88c4….jpg)

>>6289
>Are you me? Can strongly relate.
Haha maybe. Are you a hiki neet aswell if so how long? I've been this way going on 8 years now.

 No.6292

>>6291
Since Dezember 2013. I worked as a cook before but an accident fucked my health. Cute images btw.

 No.6293

File: 1603713285411.jpg (98.39 KB, 850x543, 94013f902482cb4f0bdb4e0130….jpg)

>>6292
> I worked as a cook before but an accident fucked my health.
Oh that sucks what happened? If you dont mind sharing that is.
>Cute images btw.
Thanks! I like images like theses they just feel so idk its hard to explain something between comfy and warm.

 No.6294

>>6293
I hit my head, that somehow messed up my brain. I am not that smart since then and it damaged my neck too. I just couldn't keep up with the stress at work anymore and collapsed. Because of that some institution started to throw money at me to cover my expenses. So I never bothered to work again and went neet.

 No.6295

File: 1603766656094.jpg (148.78 KB, 590x767, 7eb2c98cc6ef75c84f006de2db….jpg)

>>6294
>I hit my head, that somehow messed up my brain. I am not that smart since then and it damaged my neck too. I just couldn't keep up with the stress at work anymore and collapsed.
Oh sorry to hear that it sounds like a lot to go through. I cant really deal with stress too well myself not to that extent but I get really bad headaches and feel sick.

 No.6296

>>5957
Is there anything wrong in being one?

 No.6297

>>5955
I gave up a long time ago. You could say I never tried. My mental health problems are a major stumbling block in even doing my daily tasks and I don't even now think of relationships.

 No.6298

>>6186
I agree. And in some cases, friendship is superior over a girlfriend/love. As the Rolling Stones sang, I am not waiting on a woman, I am just waiting on a friend.

 No.6299

>>6283
I feel you. I also have significant anxiety and other issues. Plus my lack of reason to approach a girl(helped in no small part by my overweight physique) and natural introvertedness, all contribute to my loneliness

 No.6300

>>6285
I agree. Love isn't naturally emotional. In the past times, humans existed without romantic partners. In some parts of the world, they just put two strangers together and as time progresses, 'love' develops.

 No.6301

>>6291
As long as you are happy and are content, love doesn't matters.

 No.6318

>>6186
I had a good run, but we haven't spoken in weeks now, and that makes me very sad.
I tried as hard as I could to be a good friend but I guess it just wasn't enough in the end.
If I can't manage that, I'm pretty sure I'm not capable of ever being loved, and that makes me even sadder.

 No.6320

>>6318
Did you try to reach out to that person?
Anyway friendship and love is not the same. Simply because you have no friends doesn't mean you can't have love.

 No.6321

>>6320
It's just been radio silence on her end for the last few weeks. She's just not been online.
The absolute worst case scenario is that she's been incapacitated or dead for a few weeks. I sincerely hope that isn't the case.

 No.6322

>>6321
>she's been incapacitated or dead
Don't worry anon, she just ghosted you. That's how pretty much all online relationships, romantic or otherwise, end.

 No.6323

>>6321
I would check now and then, maybe she has just problems irl and comes back one day.
>>6322
Unfortunately this could also be the case.

 No.6324

My experience may be a little too different from the norm to be useful but maybe someone can get something from it. I usually don't like talking about this because it always feels like it comes off as either bragging or coping depending on the interlocutor, with no inbetween. Please believe that I'm just trying to earnestly share here.

The only time I sought or wanted any kind of romantic companionship was a short period between age 13 and 14, and although I don't remember too well, I think it may have been purely peer pressure. Maybe you can't really call it "giving up" if you never tried, but it's just never been something that figured in my life. The entire concept is… not alien, because it's everywhere in culture and I'm used to it, but meant for other people. Other.
I can say I'm content without it and it's not something I've ever missed. About the most affection from another living being I care for is having a cat sit near me that I can pet occasionally.
My lack of interest in relationships wasn't only in romantic ones, but all of them, and because of this I found out the hard way after high school that, for practical reasons, it's difficult be COMPLETELY isolated and still live independently. I'm sure you guys know all about this fact.

It's not like I dislike couples or romance. I don't look down on people who have normal urges of that kind, I just take the view that it's not for me through an accident of birth. Although admittedly seeing the sheer volume of trouble I avoided by having the particular brain anomaly that makes me not want a partner makes me feel very lucky sometimes. Heck, I even find romance stories enjoyable. I don't self insert in any media, but take a more voyeuristic view on it. Watching a relationship build and go through highs and lows and all of that and the sentiment of it is fun, and I can even get emotional over them. But it's rare.
Yeah. I'm not sure where I was going with this post, I just wanted to share since I rarely get the chance to. Sorry for the blogpost.

 No.6325

File: 1606179022851.jpg (98.26 KB, 1024x683, 1596313163480.jpg)

im scared of pain

 No.6331

File: 1606545109405.jpg (195.14 KB, 1920x1080, EjorSaKU8AEUyEv.jpg)

I am feeling this sensation more than ever before after experiencing a devastating breakup. Not because there's some sort of inability to find other relationships, but rather I am terrified of betrayal. Its been approximately 6 months since the initial separation, still stings as if it occurred yesterday. Negatively affecting my health/lifestyle/mentality, everything.. I've been trying my best to move on but it's torture, focusing on studies or career doesn't do much I've found. Gaining most relief from media consumption and reading literature yet still not enough. I never want to experience this again, but pain is inevitable when dealing with romance. Made the mistake of becoming completely dependent, with no friends or income. The "divorce" made me regress in life so much. Help
I'm reverting back to my shut-in ways and isolation creeps in especially after going back to living alone from having a partner who I shared a space with.

 No.6334

File: 1607460391377.jpg (65.73 KB, 850x639, sample_540055efbd1c893b018….jpg)

>>5955
I gave up for a long time, and lied to myself that being alone was fine and that I didn't need anyone else because I enjoyed being by myself. It turns out that a mindset like that wasn't sustainable in the long run, at least for me. It worked for a while, but eventually, the accumulated emotional damage did make my sanity and happiness deteriorate, and now I realize that it was just a way of coping with the fact that I never liked the people around me, and also that I never met a girl that I thought I could spend time with at all, though now I recognize that some do exist. Living only for myself is no good when I happen to be someone that I don't care about all that much. Doing things for my own enjoyment doesn't work for me anymore.

Everything feels pointless and I have little motivation to do anything. Now I'm convinced that I definitely do need someone that can commit to being with me forever, but until I fix my life, trying to find that feels wrong, and I don't know how to do it anyway, even online. I want to get to the point that I can at least take care of myself well enough, but I haven't been outside in years, and I live in a bad place, which doesn't help. I wanted to move far away and reset my life, and start from scratch, putting an end to my isolation, but the Chinese virus ended that plan before it even became an attempt. Still, I'm ready to end this, and I'm done holding back, I'm going all out next time. No matter how much I fail, my life can't really get much worse than it already is. I have nothing to lose, so I'm betting everything. At least as soon as the China virus gets out of the way.

 No.6338

File: 1608316611356.png (365.74 KB, 528x528, 1599960014617.png)

>>6334
I gave up to for a while. For the last 3 or so years I have basically stopped interacting with everybody on purpose, I dont even remember why. I went to college for a bit with the hopes of meeting friends and hopefully a gf but in the end I never talked to a single person and didnt make a single friend. Its now been so long with zero social interaction that Im basically utterly fucked. I cant interact with anyone unless its anonymously on the internet, even having a username is too much stress for me. Im just like you, I need someone in my life or I just cant function. I dont like or care about myself so I dont see how I could possibly work on myself, but since Im a man I know that nobody will ever come to save me. Im at an utter loss as to what to do and the overwhelming pressure of having literally zero friends is so painful that its hard to keep living
How did you find the will to try and change things? I struggle to find the will to get out of bed, I even stopped eating recently Ive completely lost appetite

 No.6340

>>5955
Honestly, I never really tried. The farthest I'd ever gone was half assed friendships with women, with hopes that they'll confess their undying love for me or something.
I've noticed that when things are going well in life, and I really feel content, this terrible NEED for partner just never occurs to me. Just being alright with my life and glad to be given this day is something I can strive for, so this desire, which might border on obsession, that >tfwnogf people have just doesn't bother me right now.

 No.6343

File: 1608902167519.jpg (672.04 KB, 700x812, 22875440_p5.jpg)

>>6249
How did things turn out for you since then, anon? Would be nice if you were still here to give an update if you're not hurt or something.

 No.6344

File: 1608902389406.png (208.96 KB, 336x881, bb518c5b6884131d0a4130407e….png)

>>6338
I'm sorry for not seeing this earlier, but I wasn't even expecting a response after so long.

I also didn't talk to anyone in college (and dropped out, and I'm never going back), but by that point I still believed that I didn't need anyone else. I'm going to have to learn how to interact with people again, but in a way, I think it's easier in real life anyway, because I just need to put myself in environments where people that I may like could be and hope for the best (so I need to be able to go to hobby things and places), and I have to get used to being more active and taking the initiative sometimes.

Online, I don't know where to look anymore. I talked to a few people that I should have befriended in the past, but I wasted every chance that I had and I regret that. The internet was ruined for me and I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. Since 8/hikki/ died, I basically stopped going to imageboards (other than going to 4chan a little and realizing that it's kinda garbage for the most part), so I'm not even used to that anymore. Having a username doesn't necessarily bother me, but talking in real time is difficult for me. I actually made a Discord because some guy wanted to be my friend and convinced me to make one (and that took weeks, which made things easier for me because at least by that point I had some idea of what to talk about). Took quite a bit of effort to do that, and get used to it, but of course, it ended up causing me pain. I got used to having someone to talk to, but after a few months, he left for unspecified reasons and that destroyed me, and I'm still recovering from that.

Now, what made me change is difficult to explain. I completely lost hope myself, and my life has clearly not been worth it, and I can see in my own mind how horrifying it would be for me to get old and still be this way, and for my life to end like this. Over time, my negative mindset damaged me more and caused me more and more stress, to the point that I started having horrible panic attacks. To make them stop, I either had to change or had to die. I needed to learn how to relax, how to release and manage stress, how to not let bad things affect me as much anymore, how to not care about everything so damn much. I also needed hope, at least for myself. I realized that I can still make my life worth the suffering, and that I will really regret not doing it, and after changing, I slowly realized what I had to do. Of course, I didn't know how to make the panic attacks go away then (and I couldn't read about them, because that would make them happen), I just happened to figure it out after almost an entire year.

By the end of that year, I had one final panic attack that lasted almost an entire day, and that's when I gained the ability to control my own mind to the extent that I can now. I became a stronger person and I found at least some hope. I'm always coming up with plans, methods and ideas, and writing them down for later. Things that I can do that will at least give me a chance of getting what I want. What really motivated me, though, was probably just my immeasurable fear of what my future would be like and how my life would end. And my suffering getting to a point that I couldn't tolerate anymore. Now I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by changing, so I will change. I have to do it, because I know how I will feel later on if I don't do it.

Also, one thing that I think makes me more resistant to depression is that I always maintain some obligation in my routine, something that I will do every day no matter what (whether I'm sick, hurt or depressed, doesn't matter). In my case, I exercise every day and that's the constant (I have added learning certain things as well, in the past). I don't allow myself not to do it. I think having anything like that can really help. When you're depressed, I think anything that distracts you can be helpful, so hobbies are great, but having an obligation that forces you to put that aside for a moment probably helped me a lot.

It's not right for me to suffer as much as I did and for that to be meaningless. It must have been for something. I have to give myself a reason to have lived through all that. That's one reason why I tried to help people online in the past, even though my own situation wasn't exactly better. If I can make someone else suffer less, then that makes my life easier to justify.

 No.6345

File: 1609126938964.jpg (696.07 KB, 1500x2000, 9ff603750696a3afae5c04426d….jpg)

>>6343
Lots of things happened in-between. But the gist of it is that I confessed how I felt about her a week ago. She told me that given the circumstances, she'd rather stay the way we're right now (for the record, we live in different countries). I honestly have a lot of fun just talking/playing games etc with her, so I couldn't care any less how our relationship is labeled as long as it wasn't broken, and I'm quite happy with how it turned out. She thanked me for being open about how I felt and said she'd love if one day we can meet in person. I don't have any hopes for anything further than this; in fact, I told her this a couple of times, but if I'm given the chance, I wouldn't doubt it not even once to ask her out properly (I also told her this). If, against all my expectations, it turns out that this does indeed head that way, I wouldn't even know where to start about expressing how happy I would be. But alas, this seems unlikely given the pandemic, besides the point I have no money to travel, and I can't move out my place without finishing college first.

What happens from now on is in the hands of destiny. I want it to happen, but I also don't have any expectations. I think it's better this way. Even if I wish a miracle to make it true, it'd only hurt if I get fixated on the idea; life isn't a romantic story, after all. At any rate, supposing we met and I got rejected, I wouldn't really care. I genuinely care for her happiness and not just in a romantic way. Some people might consider this stupid, but honestly I wonder if they ever felt this way about somebody at all. This goes beyond being "boyfriend/girlfriend", it's genuine interest for the well-being of another person and enjoying their company, not just an emotional bin to dump romance or whatever.

 No.6347

I had two girlfriends until now but both times it ended badly.
The first time was in the middle of my teens, I met her on an anime forum. She sent me a private message asking about the origin of my profile picture. I replied and made some remarks about her favorites and so a conversation started. After several weeks of back and forth she gave me her username for an instant messenger. There we talked about a lot of things and grew closer, we even started to voice call and watch anime together. Months passed and I started to develop feelings, it took quite some time but I confessed and she accepted. Everything continued like usual until some months passed, then we made plans that I visit her. She lived in a neighboring country, I had to take a train in the morning and arrived in the evening. It was made like that because she was 8 years older than me and lived alone.
I spent 3 weeks there, during that time we watched anime together, played games, cooked, went for strolls and more. Sounds good but she was actually heavily depressed, hated herself, cut herself, had no self-esteem and was fat. She always talked bad about herself, had a negative view on the world and almost anything and anybody. I desperately wanted to help her but couldn't, I didn't understand things like that back then. This frustrated me and started to drag me down, all the other things took a toll on me too. When I was back home I started to go online less and less and after some time she accused me of not loving her and simply playing with her. This wasn't the case though, I just started to feel like shit after those 3 weeks there but she didn't want to hear anything about that. She started to get very abusive from there on, starting to insult me, accusing me of other things, trying to control me. Sooner or later I cut every contact to her and that was it. Some time later I went to a doctor because I felt worse and worse. My doctor sent me to a therapist, which diagnosed me with depression, anxiety, trust issues and low self-esteem. This started a wild ride with a lot of different pills, therapists, fucked up education, loss of friends, descend into loneliness, isolation, neeting. (1/2)

 No.6348

>>6347
The second one I met was almost ten years after the first. I got a phone call from an unknown number, usually I don't answer such calls but I waited for a call on that day so I answered that one. To my surprise it was a girl I went to school with. To this day I don't know how she got my number, I have no social media, no friends, don't participate in a club, nothing. She asked how I was, what I did after school, talked about our days in school and herself. The entire time I was dumbfounded and didn't say much, I almost lost it when she even said that she wanted to meet me. I managed to pull myself together and we fixed a date, but after the call I grew paranoid and thought this is a joke or something. Still I went to the agreed location and she was actually there, we had a coffee and talked about the stuff we did after school, our jobs, the days back in school. She was cheerful, laughing and smiling, talking a lot. Furthermore she looked decent and was not fat, all in all a huge step up. We fixed a second date, where we went for a stroll and after that one a third one where we went to a restaurant and then to the cinema, afterwards she invited me to her. There I lost my virginity, with the girlfriend before all that happened was kissing, groping, stroking. From then on we saw each other multiple times every week, cooking together, watching movies(no anime this time, no games either), went for strolls and hiking. What really caught me off guard is that she wanted sex every single time we saw us, at the beginning I considered it god sent but later it changed very fast into a chore, often I wanted only to hug and cuddle and not more. After a few months she hinted at having feelings for me so I gave myself a push and confessed, even though I had no feeling for her at that time.
We spent a few months like that and it continued with no change, until one night she called me, crying. She apologized, saying she is the worst person ever, that I didn't deserve that, that she is sorry but she can't take it anymore. I had no idea what was going on so I just waited for her to explain, which she did with a lot of crying, insulting herself and pauses to sob and stuff. She said that she broke up with her boyfriend before calling me for the first time and that she was searching for somebody to comfort her. Her former boyfriend got envy though and tried to win her back, putting a lot of effort into it. She was seeing him too, even when we had a relationship and this is what she couldn't take anymore. She admitted that this was her plan all along, to bring the fire back in her relationship with him but she never thought it would work and that she would take it that far. At the end she broke up with me and got back together with him. For some reason she also said that she didn't actually love me and that the other guy is soooooo good at sex. I wonder why she mentioned that, to say I suck and should improve?
Whatever the case since this I never had anything with a woman and I honestly don't miss it. Maybe I am just done with it, maybe I don't believe in that stuff anymore, I don't know but I am grateful for it. Before the second girlfriend I often felt shitty because I was still a virgin and had no girlfriend. Now that feeling is gone and I don't crave a girlfriend anymore. I hope it stays like this, to hunger for one made me do stupid things and feel bad.

 No.6349

>>5955
It's a bit negative sounding to say "I've given up", but I've accepted that I will probably die alone now that I'm into my 30s.

My thoughts? In your late teens to mid 20s, you should definitely not give in to thoughts like "I'm too weird for this to work". Once you push those away, if you still think it would be nice to be with someone, you should look for someone. Because at some point you will not have that option, and you might regret not even trying.

 No.6350

>>6322
>>6323
Turns out she just ghosted me. I'm glad she's safe I guess, but I'm a little hurt that she did it after telling me she wouldn't.
Honestly, I feel like I should be more angry about it, given that we spoke for 5 months straight, but I just can't find it in me. Does that make me mature, or just broken?

 No.6351

>>6348 Damn. Sorry to hear that. Sounds almost too fucked up to be true.

I myself had 3 girlfriends back in highschool. It went about as far as a HS relationship does. Feels nice to think someone kinda cares about you, and they're pretty, but nothing beyond that. One ended with some weird polyamory ultimatum shit, I said nope and jumped ship. The other ended with her cheating on me. And the last could've been the one, except I was a young idiot at the time, and she was far more mature and reasonable than me. The moment I got out of HS, never met anyone new ever again. I wouldn't say I've given up, but that I should bother trying once I'm proud of myself in some capacity. As of right now, I'm very unlovable, and while it'd be great to be with someone who cares for me beyond my embarrassing lifestyle, that's not realistic at all. Life doesn't work like that. The most I could find is maybe another broken mess of a woman who makes things even more stressful. If I manage to ever pick my shit up, get a job, or have something to show for, like an art piece or anything, then there's a chance. All I want is company or some nice time with someone caring, compassionate, understanding. They don't even need to have any of the same interests as me, just a girl who won't leave or ridicule me.

 No.6352

>>6347
>>6348
The first one was unfortunate. With better communication, it could have worked depending on her personality, but you were too young for that. I'm pretty glad that I never even attempted to have a relationship, because young people are too dumb and can't understand themselves and others, so it almost never works, and now I can see that, so chances are that would only have damaged me more. The second one didn't even know you. Of course it didn't work. The fact that the sex happened so quickly was already a major red flag considering that lust doesn't lead to good decisions and relationships based on it will pretty much always fail. It takes a while to know whether or not you are compatible with someone else, so things going too quickly is a bad sign in general.

 No.6354

>>6351
Lmfao what a pathetic fucking child. You deserve to be alone.(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

 No.6355

>>6351
I feel you anon. >>6354 is acting more childish than you.

 No.6358

>>6348
>Now that feeling is gone and I don't crave a girlfriend anymore.
Damn, I wish I could get cured like that.

 No.6359

>>6354
Wrong imageboard, asshole. I still don't understand why people like you don't get banned here.

 No.6360

File: 1609879350318.png (253.17 KB, 1007x858, 1609855539798.png)

>>5955
I had a couple of girls confess their love to me, but I just don't feel like I'm able to have a partner.
Dating just seems very exhausting.

 No.6361

>>6360
It is.

 No.6362

>>6360
I think it shouldn't be, it's just that most people are really boring. No reason to waste time on people that aren't fun to be with.
Also, is that my waifu wearing a Gentoo shirt?

 No.6366

The fact that I'm yet to experience love is really eating me up now. I don't know how much longer I can go on living like this. Entire days are being lost to these feelings.

 No.6367

>>6057
>Man, physical contact (and I don't mean sex) with someone you love with passion must feel heavenly.

>>6366
>The fact that I'm yet to experience love

Just because I watched it recently, Darling in the Franxx does a pretty good job at illustrating the difference between physical contact with someone where there is no chemistry, versus with someone where there is. Not going to lie, it's a phenomenal and soul-fulfilling thing. When you're trying to force yourself to get physical with someone you don't care for, though? It feels like your soul is screaming at you, and its lungs don't run out of breath, so no matter how bad you might feel not having felt the former, take solace that at least you're not trying to force yourself into the latter, like I had tried after many years. It just makes things even worse. I wish I'd been a wizard at this point, rather than having had the rug pulled out from underneath me by the woman I loved before…

 No.6389

File: 1613241760901.jpg (34.75 KB, 544x305, 1378869759700.jpg)

It dawned on me that my life is so fundamentally different from that of the average human's and that really upset me for reasons I don't really understand. I think about it most evenings now and it's become very hard to sleep at night or get out of bed in the morning.
I read an article about how people were ignoring lockdowns to have sex, and it just hit me in a way I wasn't expecting.
Sex is a thing normal people have, and they have a lot of it. Intimate relationships are a thing normal people have. And that made me feel awful.
Most people have, at the very least, had a hug from a girl before they turned 23. Not me. I have missed out on one of the most basic experiences a human can have, it's only going to get more difficult to have it as time goes on, and being a NEET only going to make that more difficult. Someone suggested that I have sex with a female friend. I have never had a female friend.
I do not know how much longer I can put up with living like this. I have been miserable for the last quarter of my life, but never like this.

 No.6393

>>6389
sex won't make you happy
when people think it does, it's because they're so miserable that even that is better than nothing

 No.6406

>>6389
Sex doesn't matter to me anymore because I have hands. Still, having no emotional connection does make me suffer like nothing else. The lack of physical contact does hurt as well, but not being loved is the worst. I never had any female friends either, and never even met a female that I ever wanted to befriend anyway. Hope I can solve this sooner than later, but now my life is just a bunch of waiting and nothing else. I want to end my isolation but the world is getting in the way. It's almost like it knows.



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