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/hikki/ - NEET / Advice

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File: 1540078636222.png (644.78 KB, 1366x768, tomoko2.png)

 No.5207

I don't think I can endure it any longer. Life is just too much of a drag for me.

I stopped going to a therapist almost a year ago because he moved into another office, so the reservations were cleared. There are no other therapists in my town and going somewhere else is just too expensive. I've been trying to call him for several months, but he hasn't responded to me once. Maybe he doesn't want to interact with me anymore since I'm so broken.

My social skills are progressively getting worse. It's so severe that I'm even anxious when I talk to a friend on Discord. Most of the time even the simplest messages contain grammar errors, are unfinished, and sometimes even completely unrelated to previous ones.
As for the real life conversations, they share most of the same problems but it's accompanied by stuttering and similar speech impediments.

I have a crush on a Twitter mutual (yeah, I'm that sad) and I fucking regret it. She's an artist and I really look up to her, so I started to practice my drawing skills for a while so I can get noticed by her, but no one ever even noticed them (the way I draw is shit anyway, so I believe didn't have any chances lol). I replied to like 2 of her tweets with my shitty jokes that she for some reason really liked, or maybe she just pretended so I can feel noticed/respected/whatever. I wanna talk to her but I don't know how. Even a simple thought like DMing her saying "hi" makes my heart beat like a nuclear bomb.

I was never diagnosed with it, nor do I want to self diagnose myself, but there's a high chance that I'm on the Autism spectrum. I have a plenty of similar symptoms to Asperger's and PDD-NOS. The thought of that makes me extremely depressed all the time and I don't wanna exist anymore.

I haven't been suicidal for about 9 months, but the wish to end myself has returned about 2-3 days ago. I'm only 18 and I don't see any glimmers of hope in the distance anymore. Every single day since I graduated highschool exactly 5 months ago I've been doing nothing but laying in bed and playing some shit idle game without any sort of changes in daily routine. I don't even know what I should do anymore.

(sorry for the terrible composition and grammar, i havent written anything serious in a long time)

 No.5208

What were you like in high school and when did you notice your deciline start? When did you start feeling suicidal to begin with and why?

 No.5209

In highschool I used to be that weird quiet isolated kid at the corner of the classroom, and the decline started way back in elementary school when I started to act eccentric to gain attention. I started to feel suicidal during the sophomore year of highschool when I started to progressively get more self-aware.

 No.5213

File: 1540083346240.jpg (263.72 KB, 850x1358, __drawn_by_circle_hitori__….jpg)

>>5209
>I started to act eccentric to gain attention
Why did you start doing this? Did you feel neglected by your parents, and or ignored by your peers? How did other kids react to your behavior? and did acting this way give you what you wanted?

By the time you were in high school, you were already quiet and ignored, so how did that change happen?
>I started to progressively get more self-aware
Was there a catalyst for this, or did it just start happening? What's different between the point were you became, "self-aware", and before?

 No.5215

>>5213
I was severely abused by my family, both mentally and physically, which led up to me wanting to be accepted by others.
I guess thinking too much about what kind of weird stuff I've done in the past was the catalyst

 No.5217

My dear OP, I was just like you when I was your age 10 years ago, I even felt like killing myself all the time and now that desire is just background noise, though sometimes the desire comes back at full force for some days.

You need to get to a therapist ASAP and get on medication, also you need to get a job to have steady income, look for a low stress job with few working hours, as for autism, if you curious, seek a professional.

Please understand the need for urgent psychological support, don't risk further damage to your personality, if you too long then dissociation and avolition will kick in and it will too hard to get out.

Fear not OP, you are so much like me it feels like I'm talking to my past self, I know what your going through, take walks outside and talk to your family, you can definitely get better if you seek help, but you need to do it very fast.

 No.5218

>>5207
>Even a simple thought like DMing her saying "hi" makes my heart beat like a nuclear bomb.
tweeting something like "hi" or "hey" is terrible because you're not starting out with a topic to talk about, so it'll die out really quickly

gotta mention something – a lot of people mention weather, but on the internet it's different, so you'd start with a joke or a random fact or something… some way to break the ice in order to get a conversation going

that being said, twitter is just twitter, not tinder or okcupid or something

people are not expecting to be hit on there, nor do they want it

 No.5219

>I have a crush on a Twitter mutual (yeah, I'm that sad) and I fucking regret it. She's an artist and I really look up to her
oh OP you are digging up some of my 4th grade emotions. I was into this artist girl in my class. She was so talented, her drawings looked beautiful. On top of that she was gorgeous, tall and slender. Brown hair, shoulder length. Her eyes were large and had a deep but warm brown color. I was an artfag as well but I was always mediocre at best. I compensated lack of talent with lots and lots of work and only got moderate results. Once I scored 3rd in a contest. She was #1 of course.
Oh once I let her borrow my beige color crayon when she did not have any and once she said she liked a design I drafted in a sketch book. I wish I talked to her more. We could have gotten along well I think.

Just wanted to tell you I know how that feels…

>I wanna talk to her but I don't know how.

conversations can be started pretty easy if you have some common ground. In your case I think it is easiest if you just write her a short message where you explain you have been following her for x weeks and you absolutely love her style. Then you might ask how she does this or that and if she has a special technique. Tell her you are an artist as well and that you wish to improve your skills. This will break the ice and then you can talk about pretty much anything else as well.

>I was never diagnosed with it, nor do I want to self diagnose myself, but there's a high chance that I'm on the Autism spectrum. I have a plenty of similar symptoms to Asperger's and PDD-NOS

I am as well. I researched this a little and I think that people like us naturally become what I call "autistoid" because of bad parenting, bad genetics and bad environment. We adopt habits and self desfense mechanisms that resemble autism but in reality we are just too afraid to get hurt or do something stupid and get laughed at. Keep in mind that legit autism begins in childhood already. If you were "normal" back then, you probably are not autistic.

As for you not knowing what to do. Well, I am 27 and have the same existential problems. Maybe the solution is to not think about it and just do what gives you fun. If there is nothing like this you might try looking for new things to try out.

In any case. Good luck and report back how it went!

 No.5220

Go to a therapist, you probably have depression, ask them about avoidant and schizotypal as well, these are very easy to mistake for autism and probably plague several neets.

 No.5222

File: 1540201705175.png (209.23 KB, 551x800, d.png)

>Most of the time even the simplest messages contain grammar errors, are unfinished, and sometimes even completely unrelated to previous ones. As for the real life conversations, they share most of the same problems but it's accompanied by stuttering and similar speech impediments.

If this is something relatively recent, you might want to consider doing a blood and hormone test. Certain vitamin and other chemical deficiencies will take a huge toll on your concentration, memory and general-well being in a simple and straightforward way that no amount of conversing with a therapist will be able to fix.

I'm saying this because I had (still have, actually) the exact same symptoms that you describe. While trying to write quickly during any live chat my mind just randomly blanks out every now and then, and I end up writing any word that mechanically comes to me instead of what I was actually planning to, leading to a constant streak of mistakes. For example, I'm talking about a theatrical play, but instead I automatically write 'player' because, obviously, I play video games and use that word incredibly often when talking about other people who do the same. Same thing happens with grammatical lexemes, writing 'ed' instead of 's', even with nouns.
Anyway, other than that I'd also noticed that my short-term memory and cognitive, as well as motor skills had gone to shit in the past two years, did a test and lo and behold - I have thyroid problems. My case is pretty mild, but going through some testimonies online people in a more critical state get actual blanks in memory. Letting it get to that point seems like a terrifying proposition.

>>5219
>I am as well. I researched this a little and I think that people like us naturally become what I call "autistoid" because of bad parenting, bad genetics and bad environment. We adopt habits and self desfense mechanisms that resemble autism but in reality we are just too afraid to get hurt or do something stupid and get laughed at. Keep in mind that legit autism begins in childhood already. If you were "normal" back then, you probably are not autistic.

Hm, I think about this a lot. My social skills are pretty sad, I miss a lot of nuances in conversation, things that I always notice a few moments too late, I fail in controlling the tone and colour of my voice, leading to monotone questions and questioning answers, etc. etc. But then again, I DO pick up on clues that aren't as obvious, just often choose to ignore them, I like speaking metaphorically rather than literally and I read too much into shallow things. It feels like most of the negative aspects weren't there during my childhood. It makes me think I'd simply not had enough practice, that I could've learned to socialize better if only I'd actually socialized.

But it's also entirely possible that I've forgotten about the autistic things I did as a child because I had barely any self-awareness. After seeing some old home videos and thinking long and hard, I can see that there somehow was something odd in my conduct, some kind of social stupidity and weird body movements, and I can recall certain embarrassing tantrums, but I have no idea if this was normal behaviour, considering my age.

 No.5223

>>5222
>old home videos
I cannot watch them anymore. hurts so much and nostalgia

 No.5224

File: 1540234557216.jpg (181.38 KB, 850x620, __original_drawn_by_hotaka….jpg)

>>5222
I don't get how a, "lack of self-awareness", could affect memory. If it can, how many people out there lack self-awareness, but come off as normal? How the hell does that even work?

 No.5226

File: 1540241080560.gif (2 MB, 540x408, laugh.gif)

>>5224
Fuck, I wrote a long winded response to this only to realize I'd completely misunderstood your post.

It's not self-awareness directly that affects memory, but attention.
As most children do, I didn't delve much into how others perceived me other than the usual shallow observations of "Oh no, no one likes me :(" and "This guy's not mean when I play with him, he likes me :)" As such, I didn't really care about how I acted; I didn't pay any attention to my actions and deemed them unimportant. When something's unimportant, you don't consciously think about it often, and when you do that, you eventually forget things. Adults whose brains function like this usually aren't deemed normal, I don't think.
Very much different from all the embarrassing situations that plague your self-centered mind as a teenager, that you perhaps remember still to this day.

 No.5227

OP here. Thanks for all the replies, I thank all of you for giving me advices.

>>5219
>In your case I think it is easiest if you just write her a short message where you explain you have been following her for x weeks and you absolutely love her style.

Thanks for the advice, I legit didn't think about that at all. I'll try to message her when/if I gather enough courage.

>>5222
>If this is something relatively recent, you might want to consider doing a blood and hormone test.

Yeah, it's fairly recent. It started to occur about a year ago. I might take the tests some time in the (near) future.


I forgot to mention one thing related to my worries about being on the spectrum, though. I have a few neurological problems as well. I was diagnosed with a cyst and lesions on my brain.
I've researched a bit about those, and I started to worry even more. I apologize if I'm talking too much about autism.

 No.5228

>>5227
>I'll try to message her when/if I gather enough courage.
>I might take the tests some time in the (near) future.

Considering the lack of motivation that you've described, I feel like this is going to be never. Try to maybe set a concrete date, else you're going to procrastinate this to hell and back. I don't know about your country, but the queues here are unbearably long as well. I know it first took me two weeks after talking to the doctor to get tested, a week more for the results, and now I have to wait for two more months for a "more detailed examination." God knows when I'll get to the treatment part.

>I apologize if I'm talking too much about autism.


On /hikki/? Lol.

 No.5232

> I'll try to message her when/if I gather enough courage.
you are doing it wrong
you need to do this asap or you will forever delay it and say "it is just not the right timing". One day she will dissappear and you will hate yourself forever for not trying. So next time you both are online just do it.
Even if she does not like you, it is worth to get out of your comfort zone and be bold once every now and then.

 No.5244

>>5232
Yeah, I'd go with that. I used to have things I delayed until forever, and they disappeared quickly like snap of the fingers. Drink something for courage if you have to.

 No.5258

OP here again. It's too late for me to message her. She posted an update on Twitter today saying something about her new boyfriend. I can't help but feel extremely guilty since you've told me to message her as soon as possible.

Well, I can't do anything about it so I'll give up. I need to stay away from everyone so I don't get hurt anymore.

 No.5261

>>5258
please be safe op

 No.5276

>>5207
>>5258
Relationships don't mean anything, stop comparing yourself to others. Isolation does wonders for the mind, you can free yourself through it.



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