Greetings, Uboachan! Long-time lurker here. Anyway, as today is my birthday, and I don't have anybody to spend it with anymore (see below), I decided to pour my heart out to you all, and listen to your stories and opinions.
So, this is for the ones who weren't always NEET/hikikomori. This is for the ones who had the chance to make it big, and for a while did really well, but then, everything went downhill. How did you manage screw up your life?
As for me: first of all, I
dedicated wasted 5 years of my life on studying something that I grown to loathe as time has passed (pic related). This is my last year, the finals are near, I would only have to give it one last push and I would be clear, but I just honestly cannot be bothered. Actually more than that, I'm disgusted every single morning I park my car in front of that school, and just thinking of what I have to face on each day makes my stomach turn. And I keep on asking myself: what am I doing here? And why do I keep doing it?
However, the most painful thing: the girl I was dating for a long time cut me off a few days ago. In the beginning, everything was perfect. We made our intentions clear to each other. I liked her. She liked me. She never had a real boyfriend before, she had no dating experience, yet she felt happy and comfortable with me. We had a wonderful summer together, and we had plans. To make it even more painful, on our last date, she was the one who promised (and insisted) that we will definitely do something on my birthday, as normally I don't celebrate it. She was really determined to make me happy.
Then, since there could be no life for me without drama, out of a sudden she had to cut contact with me. According to her final message, "she doesn't want to ruin my life and my career". Without me even saying or doing anything. And when I say cut contact, I mean completely severing all means of communication with me.
Sure, you'd say: go find another one! But the thing is, I don't "just want a girl". I never had problems with socializing, being around girls, starting relationships and stuff. If I just needed a girl in my life, I could find one. But after many relationships (both long and short), I don't want just another one. I wanted her, and only her.
And here I am. Without anything or anybody to live for. Without any motivation. And due to my age, no chance to start studying something new. There's no way out of this. There's no future for me. There's no hope for me ever finding happiness. I believe I simply don't deserve happiness. What comes natural to (almost) anyone else, I had to fiercely fight for it, only to end up being defeated.
Strictly speaking, I'm aware that at the moment I don't qualify as either a NEET or a hikikomori, but trust me, I'm heading that way. And I always sympathized with you anyway. (Even the girl I'm grieving about is a hardcore otaku and borderline hikikomori.)
Thank you for reading, guys! Now over to you.
I don't know how long since it's been since all of this went down, which is important, but given what you told us and your tone, it seems very recent. If that's the case, I don't know how honest you're being about being too old. Wouldn't rule out you being melodramatic.
Anyway, if you've been lurking here for a long time, you should have absorbed some of our wisdom. First of all, you picked a dog-shit tier thing to study. Anybody that has a basic sense of common-sense would immediately know how shitty and useless it is. It's for wannabe artists. Very few people ever make it anywhere and making it viable is 60% luck. Art's also not the best choice, but it's a hell of a lot better considering how many people want it. Art requires skills that people need to possess in order to make it, while anybody could make a photograph for practical usage. Art is also something that requires an immense ammount of self-growth and grueling hard work. It's more creative. You're gaining the ability to remake reality and create something from nothing but your mind. It has intrinsic value while human photography is becoming more and more obsolete. Maybe directing would have been a better choice.
Number 2: You let your source of happiness and self-reassurance come from another human being. Always a mistake. It's always flimsy. People are shitty, never forget that. There's a good chance she resented your relationship and just kept it going because it gave her the sense that she's helping somebody and therefore suddenly useful. Who knows what happened, but the point is she stopped needing you.
As for myself, i'm studying something I've been interested in since the fourth grade. Don't let yourself fall into a slump. Even if you, "peaked", there's always a better option than falling into a slump. Doing literally anything productive is better than nothing. Don't delete this after you have a change of heart or something.
Whoops, I was drunk when I wrote this. The pic looked like a camera from a distance. Anyway, you should have thought harder about what you wanted to spend your life doing.
I never really had some moment where I ruined everything. My life has been just kind of disappointing and mediocre. I think a lot of it has to do with my shitty upbringing: abuse, violence, deaths in my family, negligence, bullying, mentally ill family members, people in my life having substance abuse problems and encouraging me to join them and get drunk/high starting when I was young, etc.
Considering the cards I was dealt, I think I'm doing pretty well. If you compare me to someone who had a more well-adjusted upbringing, I probably seem low-functioning though.
Most people think I'm weird and quiet but they don't know what I've been through.
Can't say things were ever "fine" (or even promising on the first place, if I'm being honest) but everything got a lot fucked when a close family member got into a car accident and I had to start taking care of them instead of keeping up with college.
And while it's been 4 years since I dropped out because of that, I still haven't been able to bring myself to actually study something once more. Not for lack of trying but because I'm an idiot, mostly.
on a completely unrelated and unimportant note, would you believe me if I said we share a birthday?
OP here, thank you all for your replies!>>5104
About school, you are indeed right, it's mostly my fault. However, when I say it's too late to start afresh, I mean it. In this place, above a certain age, if you want to start another vocational/college/university course (or even just drop the one you're doing, and change to something else), you have to pay absurdly high amount of fees (could be up to 10 times you'd normally pay below that certain age). This is the government's idea on "lifelong learning" that they advertise all the time, I guess…
About people: I cannot find happiness in material things. I cannot find happiness in doing something productive. I can only be happy if I have somebody in my life I can live for. And I don't mean "friends". I have many, and if I really wanted to spend my birthday with someone, I could go out with them. But I don't, as getting drunk and/or going to clubs won't make me happy (nor forget what just happened), and the least I want to hear is them either asking me about "how things are going with that girl", or just inevitably mentioning what they were doing yesterday or were they've been last week with their girlfriends/significant others. Not to hurt me, but because it comes natural to them. As they are happy. They have that special someone I cannot have.
I'm really fucked up. I am tough, I am quite resistant to physical pain and demand. (In fact, IRL most of you would think that I'm that stereotypical arrogant POS "jock" from any stereotypical North American high school, and would avoid me like plague.) But that is just the surface, and in reality, I just can't deal with being lonely.
>Don't delete this after you have a change of heart or something.
No way! I hate drama. Whatever I say or do, I taker responsibility for it. I asked for honest opinions, and you gave me your honest opinion. And I really appreciate that.>>5107>>5109
What happened to both of you were not your fault. I apologize for the misunderstanding. I meant to address my question to people with "normal" family/social life and good economic background. People who had all the support and resources to make it, but they couldn't, either because they just made bad decisions, or because they've been thrown off track by some external forces.
As for people like you two, I really respect your endurance. Hell, I can't even deal with being emotionally screwed by someone, I honestly don't know what I would do in your situations.>>5109In that case, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to us!
>>5112>I can only be happy if I have somebody in my life I can live for.
There is somebody like that already: YOURSELF
What do you like to do, not to be productive, but just because you like it? Do you have hobbies? Passions? Seems to me like you've spent too much of your life trying to appease other people, get their attention and favor. If you spent more time in your own company, you might have had introspection deep enough to avoid this in the first place. Maybe that's just the cultural expectation in your country, but it's a shame. The less dependent you are on others, the better. >Not to hurt me, but because it comes natural to them.
It comes natural to them because their whole lives revolve around it. They can't talk about anything else. They certainly can't muster the contentiousness to think about how you're feeling before saying something.
If it really comes down to it, you might want to consider moving to a place with cheaper education. Either you stay were you are and live a life of mediocrity, or use your youth while you still have it. Best of luck.
>>5113>There is somebody like that already: YOURSELF
I cannot wait for myself at home after a long day. I cannot go out with myself for a dinner, or to see a movie, or just to have fun. I can't show affection to myself. I can't hold myself. I can't kiss myself.
>Seems to me like you've spent too much of your life trying to appease other people, get their attention and favor.
Strangely enough, no. I never really used to care much about what others think about me, and I could care even less for norms and expectations, apart from really elementary things, of course. I always held the "go with the flow but stay at the helm" philosophy.
>Do you have hobbies?
I certainly do. Anime, for example. Guess who was the last person I watched something with. I also play the piano. Guess who was the last person I played for. And so on, and so on. Everything is a painful reminder.
>It comes natural to them because their whole lives revolve around it.
But isn't it how should be in any serious relationship?
>If it really comes down to it, you might want to consider moving to a place with cheaper education.
I'm moving from country to country since I was 19. This is the first place I could stay longer than 2 years, and this is the place where I feel at home the most. But at the same time, sometimes it feels like it would indeed help to move on, and this time, move out of this continent. Because here I've seen everything, or at least seen enough.
But even with all these said, I understand your point of view and I really appreciate your opinion.
"Ruin" is a funny word to describe it.
From a regular person's perspective, it would seem that I have done something to damage my life permanently… but I chose to see it as otherwise.
I've had this mindset ever since I was 14. I learned from every platonic and romantic relationship held between everyone I know, that forming any kind of connection to a person would only lead to one disappointing the other. So I bowed out early.
It took me a while to learn that people aren't worth putting effort into. It should have hit me earlier, I had neglectful parents who would let my oldest sibling abuse every other person in my family. I was left to be raised by everyone else in my life, so that was probably why.
My life ever since I was 14 is a bit of a prolonged internal protest to let people be loners without being pestered constantly. I didn't bring anyone into my life, and if there were people who forced themselves into it, I shoved them aside and let them conclude that I was a waste of time and resources.
Which in turn, left a lot more time and resources for myself. It's not being ruined so much as making them let me focus more on myself.
congrats on your bday and I hope you had a nice cake for celebration.
>This is for the ones who had the chance to make it big, and for a while did really well, but then, everything went downhill. How did you manage screw up your life?
Well I was always good in school but never social. Also hated school and just waited for time to pass so I can go home and be comfy. Everyone around me had high hopes for me. Called me future doctor and stuff. For some time I even wanted to become a doctor. However, in the end I was tempted by the easy money, so I went to learn a trade in tech sector. It was piss easy for me and after graduating I did okay money for easy work. Worked a few years. Got bored, quit and started a business college. I did well there too just had problems with project work and team work. It was so tiring, boring and I felt like I cannot do this shit. Writing endless word documents entire day. I thought it was about calculating investments and accounting. Maybe my problem is just that I just get bored of things fast. In college I just felt like back in high school and I did not befriend anyone.
>what am I doing here? And why do I keep doing it?
I had the same thoughts. Then one day in 5th semester I just did not go to school anymore. Few weeks later I officially quit. Professor invited me to a talk and asked why someone would do this, even in 5th semester. Everyone in family told me how I threw away my life and future but I just could not picture myself doing this profession. When I started college I was kind of delusional. I was like, yeah, easy, go there, study 4 years then you come out with degree and have 6 figure job. No problem. The truth is that without social skills you will never score a job out there no matter how good you are. Because they would rather take one who is not as good but less of a troublesome guy (fits the team better).
Anyways, while in college I have become even more reclusive than I have already been. In 4th semester I upgraded from depressed to suicidal and anhedonia took away any joy I might have had left for video games or chinese cartoons. Today I am just a carricature of a human. No purpose. No directions. No passions. No dreams or goals in life. Like a cargo ship on the ocean with no direction and no home port. I also noticed that in my entire life I was unable to keep doing anything for more than 4 years at most. Be it a school or a hobby. So maybe I was just predestined to fail because I am a person without passions or talents. When you think of it, my main "hobbies" are not even hobbies but activities to kill time with it (anime, video games).
Needless to say I now feel this type of tiredness and headaches that prevents you from getting anything done in life. I think this is just natural when you reach the final stages of your product life cycle. You kind of just can't cope with all the stress and let everything rot.
I just want to hide in my room forever and not have to bother with anything anymore. Just be comfy and forget all the bullshit around me.
>Without anything or anybody to live for. Without any motivation
this is the same I feel. What am I even doing on this planet anymore? Everything is pointless and I have no future anyways. why even postpone the inevitable?
>the girl I was dating for a long time cut me off a few days ago
this is so hurtful to read. I wonder what the real reason might be. I hope she did not misinterpret something. >I wanted her, and only her.
this is the most painful thing you can ever feel. When you cannot have the thing you desire most. I am so sorry for you anon.
>but trust me, I'm heading that way.
this is also painful. When you know exactly what direction you are heading to, what fuckup you will become and yet you are powerless to change anything about it. So the only thing you can do is watch how everything gets torn apart in slow motion.
You lack passion. Think about this, what did you want before you became like this. What did you want as a kid? When did you fall into the mindset of craving easy money? Why would you even want that? Somebody with ability ought to do something they actually care about. You had to have cared about something as some point, right? Right now you're depressed, but would being dead actually be better? You would just cease to exist. Wouldn't you rather be happy than not be able to think at all? Why exactly is working with others so hard for you?
Anon, this is the best reply I ever got my entire life.
Really made me think and I will try to find the answers.
>what did you want before you became like this.
most of my life I just did what parents/teachers/government told me to do.
I am a dog-human with no own direction in life. Just following commands.
Somewhere I read this is what happens when parents never give you freedom while growing up. My parents were of that type and I guess I just never learned to make my own decissions.
>What did you want as a kid? When did you fall into the mindset of craving easy money? Why would you even want that?
I think it was the pokemon cards and video games I never could afford when I was a kid. Grew up in poorfag family and always wanted to fulfill this wish. Having money, no worries, buy the stuff you want to without begging mommy and daddy every time. I bought this stuff but now it just rots away in cardboard boxes. I like the cards though. I was always a collector and I like looking at beautiful and shiny things.
>Somebody with ability ought to do something they actually care about. You had to have cared about something as some point, right?
Manga and trading cards were my biggest interests at that time. For drawing managa I am not talented enough (was a drawfag in elementary but after junior high I gave up as I never amounted to anything). I guess I could run a cards store but holy shit this would be risky. What if I go bankrupt? How do you even run a company?
>Right now you're depressed, but would being dead actually be better? You would just cease to exist. Wouldn't you rather be happy than not be able to think at all?
I don't know. I think I don't hate myself for beeing who I am but because this world seems so incompatible with me. So living in a world you feel no connection with feels pointless and void.
I would love to be happy but at this point I don't even know anymore how beeing truly happy feels like.
>Why exactly is working with others so hard for you?
In junior high I was bullied and when I got back into college I felt like this is high school 2.0 again. Cliques and all that stuff. I guess it was my fault for beeing to much afraid of the other students but even if I didn't. I had nothing in common with those people. I did not even have a smartphone or facebook to keep in touch.
Thank you for your reply. I did not expect to get this introspective thanks to you.
>>5167>most of my life I just did what parents/teachers/government told me to do
That's definitely a problem. You've got to start thinking for yourself. I mean really thinking. It's hard to make that kind of change, but it's necessary. Whenever any decision comes up, think about what you actually want and why. Whatever your parents could have done better isn't worth dwelling on.>the pokemon cards and video games I never could afford when I was a kid
That's called materialism. It's another thing that should be kicked to the curb. What's better: owning paintings or being able to make them? The most valuable possession people have is themselves and their own abilities. Nothing else even compares.>I am not talented enough
Art is more handwork than talent. Talent can actually be a hindrance to improvement if you let yourself get stuck in a comfort zone.>I guess I could run a cards store
Do you want to? If that's what you're passionate about. Have you thought about why you like manga? Getting to the root of that can help you think about translating that interest into something productive. >I don't even know anymore how beeing truly happy feels like.
Happiness is when you feel a sense of accomplishment as a result of your own effort. That sense of satisfaction isn't something you can get by doing something you don't care about.>I had nothing in common with those people.
Doesn't matter. You still have to figure out how deal with them to be well-adjusted. Making small talk, learning from embarrassments, getting what you need from others and not being a hindrance to them. That's what's actually important.
The longer you wait the harder it'll be to get back on track, so start now.
whoa thank you again.
>You've got to start thinking for yourself.
well I guess the profession I learned was my own decission but nowadays I wonder if it was the right thing to do. I could also have gone to high school and later to college but I would have been a tech illiterate and still broke living on stipends and beeing doctor student for eternity as originally I wanted to be a doctor (because other people expected me to). I wonder if I would have found a group of people in high school or med college that I can relate to if I did this instead of the trade.
At trade school I was okay with everyone and close with one other guy. It was fun times going to school and not thinking how annoying it will be. However, that was more than a decade ago and it took me 1 year to become part of one clique. Never went to parties or anything with them but just beeing cool with everyone at school does feel much better than beeing the loner.
>That's called materialism. It's another thing that should be kicked to the curb.
I am actually in the process of getting rid of everything I don't need anymore. I want to have a minimalistic lifestyle.
>What's better: owning paintings or being able to make them?
This is just so true.
The thing about talent is true as well. It can tempt you to become lazy and overstimate your own capabilities.
>Do you want to? If that's what you're passionate about.
well I do like it a lot but I am not sure if I should call it a passion.
>Have you thought about why you like manga?
Never understood it either. When I grew up there was this big anime boom. I guess I got hooked on it. The art style was just fascinating because up until then I only knew about batman and spiderman type of cartoons. It was interesting to see the variety that the japanese had to offer.
>Happiness is when you feel a sense of accomplishment as a result of your own effort
actually this spring I planted some poppy flowers just for fun. Never did it before and I thought they will not blossom. I actually got them to blossom and I was very satisfied with my own work. This is true as well.
> You still have to figure out how deal with them to be well-adjusted
I know that unfucking myself and righting my wrongs will take a long time. I think thanks to you I can understand myself a little better now. Your advice is very solid anon. Thank you and help others as well!
I've been seen as "weird" since I was at least 4 years old, but it was at 14 that I really took a turn for the worse after so much bullying in school, few people know what I've been through and I think it as bound to happen anyway, that was half of my life ago.
sounds like gaslighting and learned helplessness
I don't understand what you mean.
I haven't ever done either of that to anybody.
I was implying that your issues might have been caused by those things, not that you do those things to other people
Who specifically do you think could have done those things to them?
family and friends can be abusive in many different ways, one way is gaslighting, which is trying to convince someone that they're crazy or have problems, which can mess with someone's self esteem and confidence and sense of self
learned helplessness is when you're convinced that you're stuck in your situation and there's nothing you can do about it, which can happen as a result of bullying, abuse, maladaptive learning, etc.
people don't exist in complete isolation, they are a product of their environment and relationships/interactions with people
Forgive me I didn't understand you before, you might as well be right.
I was already born damaged. Mood disorder, depression, severe anxiety, and not really bright. It took me years after going through multiple traumas to fix myself. I learned to mimic others behaviors in social settings so I wouldn't look like a freak having flashbacks and panic attacks in public.
When I hit junior year in high school, I had a crush on a teacher. He knew, and took advantage of it by slowly grooming me daily. Treats, private lessons, random spurts of affection and heavy petting.
When I graduated, he got fired. I had no real plans besides maybe getting into the art field. He promised me a future, that he'd propose and we'd grow old together. I fell for it. I relied on him heavily for a year. Having purpose felt good, having support felt good. They were things I haven't had or felt in a very, very, very long time if even at all.
Then he got worse. He did a lot of fucked up things, blamed it on me and left. He came back after a week or so for some ego stroking, got a new job and ghostsd me for good.
In a way, I guess I'm kind of blaming him for everything but it's really my fault. I shouldn't have fallen for fake love and I should have known better than to trust others after my first trauma. I don't have any purpose anymore and I've been sitting around idly doing nothing.
Even if I wanted to I can't do anything.
It's bad enough when your own life starts to fall apart, but then somehow there's always some sort of genius to take advantage of it. I guess humans are nothing but predators after all. So much for good doctor Peterson's views.