/hikki/ - NEET / Advice

>i know what i am saying you even not try to anything and why you think you can be happy? why you hope on others and you don't do anything?
i think others would think like that to me
i feel even if i tell how i feel, nobody can understands
>how i feel anxiety for many things, how i am scared of the social world, how scary to meet to the humans, how scary to walk the outside under the sun, and just see somebody walking to me, and passing the side of me, how i feel
>i feel very scary, and i don't know what face should have like that time, just don't think and walk, all do it
>but i cannot it very well always i hope if i could be a shadow
>and nobody can see me, nobody can say about my appearance, nobody can think anything about me, and >i don't need to disgusting others with my appearance or some attitude i really not have a big courage i feel its more than anybody else sometimes i feel so
>i don't know i have too many things that i have to write for find my ideal person really
>i did many mistake i was almost to be with wrong one, some lied to me and tried to close to me or like that
>there was many happens to me until now but i am still alone and have to feel lonely
>i really feel sad and crying because lonely also there is nothing fun most of the time for me.. ):,
>i wanted to talk with somebody interesting person it would helps me i thought though
>oh… no…
>i know me is boring ):,
>i don't like saying i know i know
>but i care about what others would think about me and give me a boring lecture because its enough for me
>i want is not such a boring lecture or like that shitty things
>so i feel i always have to explain for each things, many things to those kind of idiots
there is really many idiots
>i am an idiot too, but nowadays i noticed that there is too many idiots more than me but they are friends each others well
>so just not close to me i don't hate idiots, but i just not like those kind of idiots :i but i am really an idiot
>but i don't think me is for something like… yes..
>i don't like meaningless things that much too but all are meaningless what i am doing now too but i thought this is good more than think about only the death
>and wish i die right now or like that
>…oh no…
>thank you for the space and reading
See you now ):,

What do you guys think?

Oh wait, there's more on her site.
http://xbhdjshsgsusdhdbd.blogspot.com/p/i-have-been-waiting-for-my-ideal-person.html
>my brain is almost like that most of the time
so let me keep having a hope
>that ideal person will helps me from this loneliness
>we all can have somebody like right person or just shitty friends
>we can have what we want if you hope or wish or do something
>everyone thinks just waiting will be nothing or like that
>but i already do this Waiting. this is not easy for me
>because i cannot get interested in somebody from me and send a message or like that on the internet also in the real world me is not like that active person too
>i am shy too, also since i feel nobody can understands me, and hates me, or think i am just crazy or like that
>i might be depressed, but you don't need recommend me to go to a therapist or like that place
>because my right person cures me i can smile when i feel happy, i cry a lot for many things because i get hurts and shock pretty easily somehow and i really hate that.. because its very sad and most of humans cannot understand why i feel bad for like that things ):, but i think me is just a spoiled kid and selfish one
>i have many things that i want that person to know me.. i know.. omg.. not want to use i know.. so.. umm..
>i.. okay maybe its okay, i know.. no… i am confused ):, i forgot what i wanted to say now..
so,.. oh i see..???
>i really forgot ):, i am sorry
just let me have a hope and waiting for your message
>i hope you are someone who will tell me your details and like that things neatly and in the future i need to know everything about you too
every every everything
>for make sure that that person is someone who i could be with in the future or not or like that
but i.. know that nobody wants to be with like this one first of all ):, i am not playing
>i am serious for have like that person even from on the internet
>i can tell that why i don't find that person from my own country, i be like this, because i live in this country, and i know those humans, japanese, not all are bad, but they scare me, i want to run to the english world, so i am using english and not want to read so much japanese scary words or like that, i don't like their talking way, for example on 3channel, no 2channel or like that, but that is sad, there is like that place in english world, 4channel or like that. i don't like someone who like using like that place :i because they always mock others together with many humans right? i don't know very well. but i hate it. i like talk one to one too
>i don't like groups
>i have too many thing that i need to write here :i really because not need wrong messages or like that things for me
>so here you are https://tghlpgic4rvuygdghkj.blogspot.com
>this is good for telling you what i am looking for and what kind of one me is, you could know with this, i just saved my profiles on there most of the time
>then you could know how i am troublesome and like that terrible one
>i think nobody could accept me how i am because me is like that one
>and i don't want you to be unhappy too, so i just hope somebody would accepts me someday and help me to not feel lonely anymore ):,
>i am sorry to use this place and if i disgusted you a lot with these gross letters ):,
>see you until we can connect ):,
>and i hope you really don't have anybody in anywhere
>at least i don't have anybody anymore now
>i have only pains always ):, each times i be serious but cannot go well because how i feel is always bad ):,
>i don't wish to be like others, but sometimes i thought it was easy to live in this world if i could feel like others does
>for example, your love person petpet the pet, how do you feel?
>i feel very bad because of jealous
>i hate both that time i think that pet and that person but for avoding those bad feelings, i made my ideal person because i cannot deal with those kind of feelings with fake feelings
>i live with real feelings
>i am totally like an animal but i understand what is bad or good but i think there is more terrible one who would kill the pet because felt jealous or like that
>i won't do like that things i will just leave from that person for not feel bad
>i am like that type of human
>i am avoding many things
>so i am hikikomori.

I don't know what the hell her address is since she didn't list it. Maybe she'd find her ideal person faster if she didn't abuse web-services.

>What if I was died today
>What if I didn't stop to choke myself with the belt more
>I thought so
This is just one long rabbit-hole or blogspot posts rambling about being suicidal and how shitty people are. Can't say i'm disappointed at least.

At first I felt pity. But the more I read, the more interested I felt on her. Granted, she has some serious mental problems there, but she also made some very solid points on "other people", their interactions and the vanity of their lives. On a way, she's like a tumblr teen ranting, but with the difference that her problems are, let's assume for the sake of argument, "real", contrary to those attention whores. But also, she's like an outsider observing the life of others through a very distorted lens. Do you think this is, maybe, one way of seeing how madotsuki would feel?

On one hand, I'd like to talk with her; if anything to help her with english and discuss music, at the very least. But at the same time, I feel I'd be betraying her expectations, since I am by no means a non-boring person, as she says. And, suppose she actually enjoys talking with me, am I really the kind of person who would put up with such an extremely dependent person? I don't think so. I'm not all the time on a computer, and I actually enjoy being by my own when using one; I barely chat with people nowadays.

In a way, she's all alone, but she won't at the same time. I'll be cheering for her. And there's probably more people out there too. Although I guess she doesn't really care for that either. Hah, truly, what a vain and worthless action.
She's quite right about it.

>>4955
Yeah, there's no way in hell anybody would actually satisfy her expectations. Notice how she defines her ideal person through negatives mostly. There NOT this and not that. It's weird and unpleasant how much of my own outlook I see in her's. The parallels really make me look at myself. Is it bad to think like this by itself? Or is it only bad to live unhealthy in part because of this mindset? Her view of other Japanese people is interesting. Here's some of my favorite quotes.
>I hate humans, i hate disgusting creatures, and most of humans are very disgusting me a lot also all are liars and try to use me
>friends might be something who you can share something together with, who has common hobbies, and you can feel comfortable to stay with that person, so they can be friends
>so but i don't know what should i do really, really humans scare me and i feel that i am someone who shouldn't exist in this world
>i don't think i can connect with many humans deeply, it is like a miracle if i could have someone who i want to have actually, because i know me is someone who really not accepted by others how i am. i am just insane to most of them
>and nothing to those humans as well, just a piece of poo poo from the internet to others
>don't think me is same with those common human beings.
>cannot enjoy talk with somebody who likes parties and drinking and go there a lot and dancing
>those humans told me that me is only think about myself, me memememe. but i always felt they also think about only themselves only, i can feel it from their messages each times, and why not reply to me?
>some males hurts me a lot before so i really hate most of males about many things.
>my head is broken, and need to ah.. mom disturbed me again.. and confused.. i need to focus on when i write these things :i so bad.. always.. wantelkja
>I don't live in the real world… i cannot wear that fake mask which most of adults wear too. i can wear but i think it is not like other adult's mask i felt.
> like funny things also poo poo, it would makes me not a serious person?
>because they couldn't explain to me very well, but they think i am an idiot so cannot understand. it is very same with my school teachers and classmates… but this is english, no wonder mostly mysterious. please be easy or you confusing me a lot :i i try to study english more, maybe :i also tend to misunderstand you i think, need a lot of words, this is texts now. we all needs words for understanding each others i believe… think about me as an idiot. its more easy to live for me without any pressures.
>Dislike: Humans, smokers, alcohols, noises, parties, dixkheads, cuxtheads, tomatoes, carrots, religions, wars, weaboo, 4chan, 2chan, chan, porn, shitxts, hot, makeup
>My problems:semi-Hikikomori, lonely, sadness, anxiety, jealousy, spongebob, social phobia, depression, shut-in, shy, coward, passive, piece of shxit, introvert, pervert, unsociable, moody, low self-esteem, a bit paranoid, clean freak in some way, some sleeping problem,
>i am too shy and feel stress a lot and pressures.. even just buy something alone and go to the cashier and pay money.. and say thank you.. oh no.. how stressful.. too hardcore.. i can do it though.. maybe.. but um.. too much courage.. so most of other humans seems very strong for me.. you just can go to outside alone and go somewhere and deal with humans, that is too strong, not shy?
>also cannot look at that person's eye balls for sure, i hate how me is that appearance too.. too much.. me is really fugly..
>i have really shitty body too ):, useless shitty body.. i am trying to get some strong arms, as like Popeye now actually :)… i want to carry many things very well, it is just for mom now, but someday i could help you too
>English, I am a native Japanese speaker, but this language is really boring. I like English, Danish, Russian, German.
>you want to eat meats? but i cannot touch to meats i think :i if it was like square meats, maybe okay, but if it was like real animal
>my cooking way is very messy. i never tried to cook neatly, but always good so far so its okay, but only to mom and me though, because she won't hurts me!
>but i want to try to cook for my ideal person someday too :j i hope you don't vomit… also cannot use oil things too. and its a bit scary to use a knife, i don't know how to cut so fast without cutting the fingers really, there is many good super chefs ?

>>4956
>my ideal person:who will never leave me alone, who can stay with me 365/24/60, who won't make me lonely anymore, no smoker, no drinker,, not have friends in everywhere, not have anybody to talk to, not have pets, not recommend me to go to therapist, not recommend me to take a medication, listen to me neatly, serious for many things, not angry person, don't scare me, a calm person, not lie to me, have no secrests, no mosquito voice, who can understand mental health problems and not call me insane, who won't watch porn or can stop from now, who thinks inside is the most important, who thinks inside is the most important, misanthropy, I hate parties and being around many humans, misanthropy, I hate racists, I hate all religion humans, I hate politics, i hate adults, i hate kids, I love my future person
>I don't want to hate anybody
>i like reading about killers… but always those killers are males, I so cannot understand completely
>i try to believe in something always
>you guys humans should go not me
>I will never love anybody who would hates me because of my fugliness
>But I just want to be most cute or like that one to that person is also my wish ? it's shy to say though
>i want to live in a sweet shop… because mom won't give me so much sweets anymore ):,
>that is sad my house be poooooor but mom told me that find a rich man when i point to some houses and say i want to live in like this house
>but i think most of rich humans has not so good personality
>rich man never can have a good heart girl i feel
>maybe its good to pretend to be a homeless one and see how she treat him
>most of girls who loves rich man will spit on him if he was like a homeless
>i will spit on every kind of males though
>my legs getting better already :) because me is just a monkey
>my person will find me
>i am here :)
She makes some good points, but they're drowned by hypocrisy and delirium.

she has a psn account but she hasnt played a game since April

She has a private Steam account as well, and seems to move even her personal website around a lot. The link that was posted here (https://tghlpgic4rvuygdghkj.blogspot.com) and one linked on her hub page or whatever you'd call it, which I'd bookmarked yesterday, (https://bvhgjjkctfghj.blogspot.com/) are already dead.

>>4961
Nice job keeping track. I thought about archiving them. Regret not doing so. At least the gist is perserved here.

this is interesting to say the least, although im not quite sure i follow exactly. i'm not sure if you are in communication with her, but id say go for it if you are really that interested. worst that can happen is she thinks youre boring and it ends there, which is not too bad.

>>4963
Nope. I stumbled upon her internet trail and decided to post the most intersting tidbits of her blog because it seemed relevant. It's not like there's much else going around here lately…

How'd you even find her blog? She's added a link to her InterPals account on one of her personal websites yesterday (though, for all I know, this doesn't have to be the first time she's done it), but there doesn't seem to be an obvious way to backtrack to the blog from there.

I kinda wanna try interacting with her, but at the same time I don't really care about forging friendships, I'm avoidant and most definitely a boring person, so the only thing to come out of it would be either her apathy or disappointment. Her personality, too, doesn't look like it'd vibe well with mine. Even though all of this is so fascinating to read through…

>>4965
It says in the op. She linked her blog on that pen pal site: penpalsnow
Her listed email is gotohellpoop@gmail.com
It seems to be real based on an online email verifier, but who knows if she checks it.

>>4965
Also, in her dislikes is says that she hates weebs and chan users, so you've got more problems than just being boring.

Isn't this almost doxxing/witch hunting at this point? What do her accounts have to do with anything?

>>4968
Not really. I don't know whether you actually know what doxxing is. All we're doing is sharing information that's not revealing of her real life identity in the slightest and already publicly available. Hell, she promoted it herself. If somebody wants to give a crack at shooting her an email for whatever reason, there's nothing wrong with that. She'd probably resent your unwarranted concern. Not surprised since I expected somebody to post something like this.

>>4969
>I don't know whether you actually know what doxxing is
There's a reason I said *almost* and why I included another term grouped in, there's no actual public identifiable information available but publicizing accounts and stuff is still a really shifty action that can bridge the steps and promote witch hunting. If this was merely a run and dump rant about someone, I wouldn't really care, but things as silly as linking or otherwise sharing information about steam/PSN accounts (why does that matter??), mails and blogs for entire communities to see, for what essentially is a random person who just happens to share a peculiar stream of thought, strikes it as a bit irresponsible no? OP could have easily just pasted what she wrote and blacking out links instead of unnecessarily linking stuff, and perception would still be the same.

>>4970
>witch hunting
Who here has expressed an actual hatred or a desire to mercilessly harass them? This person is interesting to some people and there's no way that all of what they write can be pasted here. If somebody wants to make the effort to read more that they wrote or see whatever they're up to, they should be able to do so. Providing links may be enabling, but I don't see it as enabling anything potentially harmful. I generally resent when somebody unnecessarily puts red tape around my ability to access information, especially information already out there, so I see no reason to do so to others. Besides, ubuu isn't the same as /b/ or something.
Really, why do care except that it goes against your sensibilities? If the subject of this thread died in some gutter right now, you probably wouldn't bat an eye or think about it for long.

>"I have no friends, I have penpals but none of them are close to me."
>So then why they have them? for what?
>Why they don't try to have a deep communicate with that one?

Has someone here actually tried to contact her to prompt this post? The English in the quote is too good to be hers, it looks as if she's pasted it from a fluent speaker's bio or conversation. "Them" being in the correct case and using the slightly rarer word "none", when so far she seems to have only been using "nobody", "no one" or "nothing."

just wanted to inform you people
she can actually be very sweet. I think this hatred and negativity she always posts about is like a protective layer she built around herself and I feel like if this goes on much longer it will completely consume her
I really hope she finds out of her pit

>she can actually be very swee
What do you mean by this? Do you know her personally, or read something she wrote, or what?

>>4979
read her profiles and blog postings.
She is very lonely and hopeless. Also very sensitive and I think this is why she errected this wall around her. She also writes about people always betraying her in the end. Sometimes even people who were in touch with her for a year or more. Cleary she is one of us

>>4980
None of that has to do with being sweet. Not all lonely people are actually loving on the inside. Many in fact aren't(including myself). She is not, "one of us". First of all, she hates chans and, "weebs". Secondly, she is truly mentally ill and has a warped perception of the world. She is massively hypocritical. I definitely don't identify with her. I don't expect a magic person to come and save the day. Her obsession with cutesy things and candy isn't sweet, it's juvenile. Arrested development. I don't think i'm anywhere near perfect or anything, but look at the list she wrote to describe her ideal person again. That's not sweet.

>>4983
"Weeb" and "chan user" are not personality traits. You could probably very well talk to her while simply keeping quiet about either of those and she wouldn't notice. The language barrier's already enough. If your character is entirely based on being those two things, you might want to reevaluate your life.
In regards to the chan thing, though, you could make the argument that chans perpetuate a certain culture, a way of thinking and speaking, that she dislikes, but you gotta keep in mind that she's Japanese and probably thinking of Futaba and the like, eventually 4chan, judging from a couple of her more politically coloured blog posts (which are all just jokes about Hitler looking かわいい anyway). If using chans has influenced you to your core, being on Uboa and making coherent posts about your feelings and all that gay shit should at least be some kind of confirmation that you're not too far gone to talk to her (since all she does is talk about her feelings). Smaller places like this one tend to have a somewhat different culture, after all. I definitely know that I feel completely alienated if I ever think of posting on 4chan, and the same goes for Uboa's discord where most of that crowd seems to gather, even though I'm perfectly fine with posting here.

However, I entirely agree with what you said about arrested development. The difference between her and ""us"" (whoever that mystical conglomeration might be) is her apparent childishness and naivete. Her expectations of an entirely inhuman being who will devote its existence to her needs - people here have said that they wish for such a thing, but I'm pretty sure all of them ackknowledge that it's impossible and drudgingly accept it. She switches between despising reality for it, to despising herself, which is something some people here might have in common. She's aware of her flaws, she's made posts about hating herself, her looks, her anxiety, her helplessness… But since she doesn't seem to be able to do much for herself (well, she's started to help her mom with cooking or something), the only realistic way for her to find a person she can become closer to is lowering her standards and accepting these same flaws in other people as well. Judging from her posts though, she just seems too self absorbed to ever figure that out. Odd, you'd think such experiences would at least make a person more empathetic.

>>4978
>she can actually be very sweet. I think this hatred and negativity she always posts about is like a protective layer she built around herself
The protective wall thing might even be right, honestly, but god knows if what's hiding inside is sweet or not.
I haven't checked her blog in a while (links are on another computer, damnit), but to answer the other anon, she's made posts about being glad about having her mom, thanking her for being nice to her, she thinks about how hurtful it would be for her parents if she killed herself/died before them, feels sad if she sees her mom crying, she's trying to help around the house more, felt elated about an old lady she met outside in passing being nice to her, and she does seem to hold some morally sound ideals like "don't judge a person by their appearance"… None of this cancels out the other unpleasant side of her, of course, but these nice aspects of her do coexist with it.

>>4983
she is hurt, alone and yearns for someone who will love her as she is. Of course it is driving her insane. Her standards for her ideal person are quite high for what she can offer but she probably just wants her person to be similar as she is. Sure her postings are full of hatred but this hatred is a reaction to not fitting in the world and not having your basic desire fulfilled.

>arrested development
she often posts how she found things in school complicated and nobody ever wanted to explain her stuff. How everyone just left her rot away in the swamp and moved on. She might have had struggles in school but she also reads about nihilism, nietsche and edison so it is hard to evaluate this one.

On the hypocritical parts you are right though. There are many instances where she calls other people fake but also claims she has a fake persona for interaction. At least she does not deny it though. With "one of us" I thought she is reclusive, socially handicapped, lonely and borderline suicidal / nihilistic. She hates weebs and chan users mainly because some of them wrote her only because she is Japanese and they expected a quick fuck. I would also be disgusted and more careful about them in future.

>>4988
School smarts don't encompass all of intelligence, but seeing how she writes and that she has printouts of what looks like math exercises for elementary school students, I dunno…

Oh, and would you mind pasting her comments on nihilism/Nietzsche/Edison that you've mentioned? I'd like to see more of her thoughts on these topics. I do remember her commenting on Freud I believe, saying something like "he's an interesting guy, he thinks in a strange way like me" and generally liking his stuff.

>>4990
i just looked again and she deleted the edison posts.

Anyways, This is my favorites from todays posting:
>I actually already have Popeye arms
>just it is covered by the gross fluffy meats

>see
>where we came from?
>it is like your mom pooped you out
>so we are shit
>real shit

I think she is heavily in depression. She writes that she cannot do much besides sleeping. Always tired. I know those feels as I have the same ones. When I read her postings I can see myself so often in her postings. It really hurts.