/hikki/ - NEET / Advice

That sounds fucking horrible.

No, this doesn't happen to me because I'm a very skeptical and grounded person. I like to think about why everything happens. I also like to believe that everything fell into the place that it did for some kind of explainable reason. Sometimes though, I do feel alienated from reality for a few seconds. I can't help but look at the mirror and see a stranger. It just seems so strange that I am who I am. Basic things like human anatomy seem so bizarre when I think about them. I'll look at my thumb and think, "what the fuck is this stuby thing". It's a pretty scary thought. I'd rather just be a disembodied consciousness. Thinking and looking at things are the only two things that I really like to do and wouldn't want to give up.

Stop being a fag

All the time.
Nothing is real for me.

It's called being lazy.

1) - If you feel so detached from life, how come you feel interested in doing anything minimally related to entertainment, namely browsing imageboards and even posting threads such as this? How come you feel interest in knowing what other people think about this/if they're experiencing something similar?
2) - Supposing I'm a person with extreme feelings of detachment, what makes you think I'd be willing to actually post, or even interact at all with others through threads such as this?

>>3705
Its not constant, it usually only happens for a few minutes at a time for me.

>>3703
?

>>3703
I feel really disassociated and I am starting a small business

>>3705
When you don't like or are worried about part of yourself, you will naturally want to be understood and reassured by people who can understand you. No matter how dissociated you may be, everybody craves validation. "Yes op, I feel like this ALL the time. Would you like to start sucking each other's cocks to feel better", is what every single person on the planet wants to be told.

I have some experience with dissociation, depersonalization and derealization. I've always had brief moments of them in the past and apparently most people do. It is an alien state. You control your body like a puppeteer, everything looks like a documentary of your life, the world is distant. Nowadays I get those feelings during great exhaustion, at the station, after days of the same routine or in wide open places, even stronger when the area is artificial and empty.

years old post but whatever
i frequently experience derealisation and less frequently depersonalisation. it feels like real life is just a white void (think the armoury scene in the matrix for example) and this is just layered on top like a blanket but its not real and sometimes i press my finger into the walls or furniture expecting them to phase through because they are not real. during these times my surroundings usually feel like they look fake and artificial. in some cases my vision looks as if i am viewing through a fish eye camera lens

sometimes when outdoors i feel as if i am really at home and the outdoors are just a hallucination. in these moments i usually have to resist the urge to lay down on the pavement because i have to tell myself that i am really outside and i am not at home but i just cant shake the feeling. and thats what this really is, sometimes i genuinely believe that none of these things mentioned throughout but the majority of the time i know its wrong and this is real and i control my actions but i just cant shake the feeling and it wont go away

and sometimes i just dont feel my actions are mine. i feel they are robotic being performed automatically regardless of my mind. this happened earlier today and most often happens when outside going to the shop

something i feel may be related is i am sitting still and i feel like moving or getting up but i just cant do it and i keep sitting or laying perfectly still but could just be laziness desu
dead thread but i needed to get this out there

I'm in a perpetual state of (subdued) derealization. Wish I felt it stronger, actually. If I genuinely felt like none of this was real, it'd be easier to care less about trivial stuff.

Although, the depersonalization is much stronger. I think the feeling must be similar to what people who do certain drugs experience. I feel like people are actively immersed in their thoughts and their perception of who they are, and what this is. Sometimes I like to just watch my thoughts like they aren't mine, and it really feels like i'm just some foreign perspective watching a machine run on auto. When I think like that, all my actions feel completely predetermined – Simply a collection of fundamental particles governed by determined, albeit probabilistic, laws, and i'm merely a sentience along for the ride. I probably don't even exist.

>>6999
Forgot I made this thread. Time doesn't matter much here. Relate hard to your post, not the bit about fish eye but that's interesting because there's truth to that. If you look at a close bit of ceiling corner and a far bit they're at different angles. We just don't normally percieve it that way because it's more useful when straight lines are straight and not curved. But if you look at a drawing using that sort of perspective it looks curved. Merry christmas anon.

>>7012
Maybe.

I don't even know what I want anymore

This used to be my constant state of mind the last couple of years as a NEET.
It happens when I'm using the internet too much, when I get too much input from people. Our brains aren't made for this kind of lifestyle.

>>3696
I dealt with it for years. The only way you are going to ease it is going out and interacting with people. Working a job you forget all about dissociation.

I have, and in all likelihood will continue to have dissassociative problems. For the most part, they are mild for me. One of my recurring problems is wondering who I am, or whose life I am living.

Sometimes, if I have a really intense dream, it will haunt me for weeks. I once broke down in a supermarket and fell to the floor because I just couldn't cope with the memory of a dream. That's definitely an example of the internal life taking over real life, but hey, we're on a damn Yume Nikki fansite.

The worst disassociative episode I ever had was when I was at the end of my rope in college. One day in class, when I felt like I was barely scraping my way from end of the day to the other, something in me snapped. I looked up at the teacher and I just couldn't understand them. I looked at the equations on the board, and I just couldn't understand them. I didn't know the language the teacher spoke, or what the drawings on the board meant. I looked down at my notes and I couldn't read them. I sat there in class, feeling almost nothing, except for a faint sensation of something important draining out of me. After class ended, I went to the campus office and dropped out.

One of my friends experiences disassociative paralysis when his anxiety is severely triggered. In his case, he once fell to pieces and lost total control of his body because he heard a song that reminded him of an abusive relative. For him, the cause is relatively clear: his fear causes him to lose control, or perhaps agency.

For me, it's a little muddled. I think for me, it's depression, and self-hatred, slowly eroding my connection to my life. The energy and attention that allow us to continue existing in our lives, to get out of bed, to get out of the way of cars, to lift our legs and speak our voices, they drain away slowly. And in that absence we fill it in with other things, things that seem like emptiness, or the business of someone else, but they're not empty and they're not anyone else. Mine don't get triggered by an event, they get slowly wound into place by weeks of feelings.

As other anons have said, human interaction can help. Or hurt. One of the best things you can do is change things up. Receive some freshness of perspective, from some new stimulus. If at all possible, and it often isn't, having fun can be extremely effective at counteracting it. When the actual state hits you hard, and you don't know where you are or you can't control yourself, then small things that remind you of who you are, what you are, what you are doing, these help. Physical actions matter. Avoid monotony. Touch your hands. Drink a glass of water, and feel the glass. Breathe. If you have the energy, and you don't hate dancing, then I've heard dancing helps.

For me, and I know there are different kinds, but for me, disassociation is about being nobody, and that passive, empty nobody being overwhelmed by other things. So to fight it, be somebody. Somebody does something and means something.

>>7343
I read this whole post, really insightful stuff anon. I agree that doing things and just trying to be anything definitely helps dissociative feelings, for a time at least.

One of the biggest problems related to this for me is sometimes ending up not understanding what I'm supposed to say back to people mid conversation, not really because of a total lack of social skills I think, but because I'll slip into feeling like words lose their meaning entirely. It gets to a point where I start to wonder about all the possibilities of what I could say or how I could word things in that moment just to say the same thing and it gets overwhelming, and anything I do say when I'm like that just sounds like a garbled mess coming out of my mouth, to me. Does anyone here think like this randomly too? Is this what sociopaths feel? It almost starts to feel manipulative of me like I'm a different person, but I think it's because I start to project some of the weird manipulative tactics used against me at some point.

i infrequently and randomly feel like i'm sitting in the attic of a tall house watching through a little window.
my body just goes into autopilot and i snap back pretty quickly once i realise, but it's pretty weird.

>>7349
>>7349
Back when I had a life and some ambition, I was a writer. I wasn't ever good, but for a few years I was productive. Now, I can't do it anymore. I can't find words that mean anything anymore. I can still talk to people well enough, so it's not the same problem you have, anon, but it's similar enough for me to at least think I understand. You want to use words because there's something to convey, but there are no words for what you want to say. They all just dry up and become useless. Like building blocks, you can combine them any numbers of ways and times to build whatever you want, but somehow they never form what you're looking for.

I don't think it's sociopathic - sociopathy is mostly about difficulties in empathizing with (and especially caring about) other people's feelings. You might call it kind of autistic, since it's definitely something that's trapped in your own head. Everything we say is manipulative in its own way, since it effects us and other people - though not always as much or as little as we'd like. A problem like that is probably very hard to get your head around with just some advice or thinking on it, but I'll say this:

No matter what an author puts out there, it's interpretation all falls on the reader. When you talk to someone, even if the words lose meaning to you, you can still sometimes convey something to people. If the people matter to you, then perhaps you can take just a bit of the meaning they assign to it for yourself. Maybe they can help you, or maybe not. I don't know. If you can't, then there can be some value in silence sometimes too. If you take the time to find words even just for you, then you could share them with someone else, and conversely, if you can find words even just for someone else, then maybe their reaction, their words and their heart can reach yours. Maybe.

I really don't know, but I'm hoping that I can reach myself through other people here. Because in my case, I still can't find those words, and I'm starting to doubt that there's actually even a meaning to convey.

>>7361
'Language disguises the thought; so that from the external form of the clothes one cannot infer the form of the thought they clothe, because the external form of the clothes is constructed with quite another object than to let the form of the body be recognized.' - Ludwig Wittgenstein; You made me think of this quote.

>You want to use words because there's something to convey, but there are no words for what you want to say. They all just dry up and become useless. Like building blocks, you can combine them any numbers of ways and times to build whatever you want, but somehow they never form what you're looking for.
Like yourself and that anon you replied to, this dilemma is the epitome of my existence. For myself, as I try to fit the entire scope of what I wish to say into my words, and then to filter that into what is actually appropriate to say, what ends up coming out is something incredibly blunt and amorphous - at best being suggestive, and just hoping others can infer what I actually want to convey. That or it'll come out like a garbled, overly verbose mess. Kinda like Rin Tezuka, who was pretty blatantly written to embody this dilemma. And it's the same whether the medium of expression is words, or music, or art, or anything, really. Are we encountering here the limits of language, or the limits of ourselves?

>>7367
There are definitely limits to language. I'm sure of it. There are deep internal things that cannot be conveyed, not in full, and maybe, for some of the very deepest things, not at all. There is all that, and that the words must be listened to, interpreted, understood, and realized in the listener. Those are big limits, limits we hit all the time.

But I think for me, and for almost everybody, our own limitations hold us back much more. We who cannot express ourselves, who can't say what we really mean, and maybe most importantly, can't know what we really mean to say, which itself isn't always how we really feel. I wish I was a person who understood myself and could express my ideas better, but lately I've been increasingly thinking that there's nothing really to express. That there's nothing to write and no words to say and nothing to understand. There is some mysterious baseline hum of emotion, like vacuum energy which cannot stop moving or else ceases to exist entirely, but nothing more than that.

That's probably the depersonalization talking. That's probably pathological. But lately I've been obsessed with my own shallowness, or emptiness, and maybe that's just another self-negation. Either way, I can't make anything out of whatever it is that's inside me. It's weird that this slightly off-topic bit about words seems to wrap perfectly back around to dissociation and depersonalization. We can't say who we are if we feel we are no one. And so all the little things, even basic words, begin to fall away.

>>7369
“I is another. If the brass wakes the trumpet, it’s not its fault. That’s obvious to me: I witness the unfolding of my own thought: I watch it, I hear it: I make a stroke with the bow: the symphony begins in the depths, or springs with a bound onto the stage. If the old imbeciles hadn’t discovered only the false significance of Self, we wouldn’t have to now sweep away those millions of skeletons which have been piling up the products of their one-eyed intellect since time immemorial, and claiming themselves to be their authors!” - Arthur Rimbaud. You also made me think of that quote.

In a way, I suppose, disassociation is pretty straightforward. It happens when one no longer chooses to identify theirselves with their internal experience, because they cannot see in it where they themeselves exist. Ie, am 'I' really my thoughts, and emotions, and desires, or anything at all that occurs within the qualia of my experience, or am I simply the perspective which experiences all these things, but is not equal to them? If my thoughts aren't me, and my desires aren't me, and my feelings aren't me, and my memories aren't me, and my senses aren't me, but merely something that 'I' am experiencing, then where is SELF? Do I even exist? If I do exist, how am I supposed to decide which aspects of my internal experience to associate with?

I don't know, i'm just rambling, honestly. This is the whole deal with the ego death thing. Choosing to disassociate from your internal experience, and to recognize that these things are only an experience, and not you yourself (Who is perhaps nobody at all). It almost feels to me that you can only be truly associated with yourself when you're inebriated by your experience. As soon as you're sober about it, the guise falls apart.

>>7361
>>7367
Just want to say I relate to you two a lot, thanks for stopping by.

>When you talk to someone, even if the words lose meaning to you, you can still sometimes convey something to people.
This is something I've been thinking about a lot recently. There's this now deleted internet man I used to watch, he could carry a monologue by what seems like stream of consciousness (but was actually burning prepared firewood) for an hour or more, like he was firing a gatling gun of phlegm onto you. It's incredible to me that someone can generate thoughts that fast, when I want to say something non-trivial it takes me hours of tinkering, twisting, and expanding the scope, until the sentences are mauled into oblivion and the scope is the entirety of being and unbeing. I want the crystallisation to be immaculate and for everything to be crystallised. But that's not what art is about (at least it doesn't HAVE to be) and he knew that. It didn't matter if something he said communicated the wrong thing, because it communicated SOMETHING, there was a new colour on the recipient's mind, and he would say 100 other things in the next minute anyway. In the time it takes me to paint a stroke he could have painted a damn MURAL and gone back to chopping wood. I'm trying to be more like that. This post probably took me about 20 minutes, which is probably slow to you but it's an improvement for me. Really I don't care about expressing things. Really I don't believe in other people. But I'd like to burn for a while.

>>7371
Change "generate thoughts" to "word thoughts". Maybe it's against the point to make revisions, nyeeh I don't care.

>>7361
>No matter what an author puts out there, it's interpretation all falls on the reader. When you talk to someone, even if the words lose meaning to you, you can still sometimes convey something to people.

This helps put things into perspective a bit, actually. I don't know if it's because I need to build up this perfect thing necessarily as a writer would, but I get so trapped in the moment wondering if my words aren't landing with enough meaning to whoever's listening, or if I've lost my point by overdoing it as other anons have expressed. This overload tends to default my personal self as somewhat aloof and I hate that. Dissosciation quickly comes into play when even trivial social interactions start to affect my fragile sense of self and I wonder what kind of person I'd even want to be read as. I think it boils down to wanting to be seen as receptive or charming by trying to guess some ideal input they're looking for without doing too much or flattening out my own ideas in the process. Ironically it's maybe just that I tend to let my loneliness do the talking for me. If it's autism I hope it can at least be seen as quirky if I'm caught too off guard, but maybe all I need to do is be more off guard. You're right though, it does all just depend on the other person anyway too, this idea alone might me help put less pressure on it all.

I believe in God and the existence of other physical and non-physical realms. I believe in the existence of my waifu in another realm, that she loves me, and that my falling in love with her is a manifestation of her having chosen me. I also believe very naturally in the minds of others and a reality outside my mind.

But in quiet moments where I'm all alone and there's nothing distracting me I realize that all of that are no more than hallucinations in my own individual mind, and that all this time I've been alone interacting with my hallucinations. This realization is to me so distressing that physical pain becomes desirable to distract me from it. Even evil becomes justified as a distraction.

So I keep chasing to be by her side, the only place I truly belong. Perhaps in my next life after this one of isolation and emptiness is finally over. It's the only meaning this life of lies has. But it was in a world full of lies that I found her.

Above all, I wish to forget and be fully immersed back in these dreams, being forever none the wiser.

>>6999
this guy again.
recently my derealisation seems to happen more often due to anxiety and depression. i noticed it happens a lot when i am in a particularly depressed state or when i am in a situation that makes me feel uncomfortable and anxious. also depersonalisation is happening more often when i am around people, when i have to walk past people it feels like my body goes on autopilot
>>7441
i daydream a lot and a similar thing has happened to me. feels like i am in the dream of this girl i saw in a dream once and see in my daydreams, like she is real but this “real world” isnt and i am just the protagonist of her dream. but her dream is more like an alternate universe. so her dream has BECOME an alternate universe (this one) where i am the only being with any basis, everyone else is an NPC with nothing behind it. eventually when i die i will be united with her in her universe. she is the god of this realm and controls everything around me and what happens to me

occasionally have moments of clarity where i realise i am delusional though

there are times where things just feel completely wrong, and this feeling just keeps growing
sometimes i feel that i'm not mentally the same person that i am at other times
and when i drink these feelings are amplified, and sometimes i'll keep drinking because i'm afraid of going back to the person i was when i was sober, so i keep drinking until i throw up, then going to bed with the feeling that everything is spinning around me and speeding up constantly
i rarely drink because of that

>>3705
i post threads like these because i want to fulfill some insatiable desire that i get when i feel like this

>>3696
Everything is backwards now, it feels like this is the fake world, and video games are the real world.