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/hikki/ - NEET / Advice

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File: 1500002429665.jpg (36.99 KB, 450x281, anime_girl_by_tinkusandhu0….jpg)

 No.3641

Feeling suicidal right now. I have what my doctor calls major clinical depression and I also have some drug addiction. I've been living the neet life this year because I dropped out of school to be on medication. I feel like I'm only going to college in the first place so people don't yell at me.
I don't think I've posted here in years. I'm a wreck right now because one of my friends who has used this site from time to time died of drug overdose recently.
None of my friends seem to like me anymore and everyone I've cared about seems to hate me now. I have no motivation. I feel dead inside. All I want is to not be alone but I can't seem to alleviate that.
I've just been sitting here listening to sad piano music crying for an hour or so. I don't know what to do.
I'm a giant waste of potential no one cares about and I'm only getting older from here.
I can't function without antidepressants anymore. Nonstop suicidal thoughts all day everyday. I got back on them this week because I was going crazy again. I live in constant fear that I'm just going to snap one day. When I'm off my meds I have impulses to kill myself and my brain tells me exactly how to do it. It bothers me that I could end my life in less than a minute at all times.
I really don't know what to do.
I'm probaby never going to kill myself I'm just stuck in a constant state of my mind telling me to.

 No.3643

>>3641
I'm sorry the people in your life aren't as supportive of you as would be best for you. I have seen people say, 'Don't associate with negative people because you deserve better,' where a 'negative' person may be one who is complaining about their life but not to the person they're talking to in any way. Often a reason for doing this is a person would like support or validation of some kind from the world around them but frequently receive unwanted criticism, advice they won't use, and condescending, unhelpful comments that have a tendency to put people on the defensive instead of encouraging further communication.

I am quite familiar with people not being supportive of me when I am in a dark place. When I went through some bad violent abuse from my mother and my parents got divorced and I did not see my dad much. My mother hit me more and I remember her saying I will be a failure and eventually grow up to kill myself. I was very depressed then.

It is worth pointing out that, depending on how you define potential, there is no human being who has ever lived who has not wasted some of their potential, or everyone who has ever lived has lived up to their potential fully. This is because everyone makes decisions in their life that causes them to give something up when they spend their time in certain ways. Whether potential was wasted depends on how much free will you believe people to have and whether they would have been able to choose to do something else.

Sorry to hear about your situation.

 No.3648

File: 1500057358776.jpg (597.19 KB, 720x900, __shogun_sekaiju_no_meikyu….jpg)

Whatever your life could have been doesn't matter because it doesn't exist. Right now, think about where your life is and how you want your life to be in the future. If you hate your life now, what do you want it to be like in very specific terms? Once you get that picture in your head, do everything possible to work towards that ideal. I would be lying if I told you that you would definitely reach it, but the constant desire for improvement and more in your life is what drives people forward. You have to be more greedy and have an insatiable hunger for accomplishment. If the people you know wont help you and wont give you support because their, "love", isn't unconditional, don't expect them to and get depressed when they don't, and try to help yourself. If you want a good job, make yourself go to school and get good grades. If you focus your complete attention on studies, you wont have time to be depressed. Basically, try to distract yourself from your feelings at all times. Pretend that your emotions don't exist. Instead of thinking about suicide, do a math problem or something. A good mentality build momentum. The initial push is the hardest part, but once you get the ball rolling, things get a lot easier. A scientifically proven trick is to the smile despite how your feeling. It has been proven that if you smile you can trick your brain into being happier. Emotions are just chemicals in your brain that can be manipulated. Don't let your brain chemistry take control of your life. You are a human being, not some instinct driven animal living in the woods.

 No.3649

>>3648
ya I know all this already, it's hard to tell that I do sometimes. I fall into what I call are "depression holes" where I am overwhelmed in despair and am incapable of feeling good about anything. I was that way last night when I posted this.
I'm not going to say much more for now as I reflect on my emotional outbursts.

 No.3650

>>3649
How long do these depression holes usually last and is there something that triggers them, or do they come out of blue?

 No.3651

>>3650
Probably a day or so
feels like all the time when I'm not on medication
it's random or something triggers it. I don't take bad things happening very well.

 No.3652

>>3651
Maybe you should put a poster on your wall that reminds you to cheer up or something.

 No.3653

>>3652
I'd probably find a reason to get upset because of it. When I say I'm incapable of feeling good about anything I mean it. When I'm with my therapist I can tell how irrational I'm being.

 No.3672

>I feel like I'm only going to college in the first place so people don't yell at me.
same here. Quit my job because I could not handle it anymore. Then neet for a few months then started my studies to get parents off my back. I have no idea if I can graduate in 2 years and whether I could get a job at all even with good grades.

>hunger for accomplishment

this is called the hunger for more. People who are driven by this hunger can achieve everything in life. Once you lose this hunger because you see no future for yourself, you are a dead man walking.



I am sorry for your situation OP but this is just how things end up like for people like us.

 No.3680

>>3672
Things have gotten better. My meds are working again. I figured out some stuff for the future recently and I have found some local opportunities to help me get started.

I have to work but i can't fathom working a normal job so I am looking into doing consultant work which I have a few weeks of jobs already for. Mostly got lucky on this but it was due to actively making connections with people I meet

When I'm in a good mood I tend to be pretty socialable it has just been so rare lately.

 No.3682

>drug addiction
fuck off normie

 No.3683

>>3682
Now being a drug addict equals being a normie? Well, most people I know from university use drugs, so I guess it could be.

 No.3684

>>3683
Using drugs just makes you a retard, not a normie XD.

 No.3685

>>3684
There's a pretty big overlap between those two groups.

 No.3686

>>3683
i think the implication is that he has a connection to a real life human being that will sell him drugs instead of being 100% friendless/devoid of contact in the meatspace

 No.3687

>>3686
Wait, people get drugs from their friends? I thought it all went down like in Breaking Bad where some guy sits on a bench and you go up to him and you subtly exchange cash for product. Guess not.

 No.3688

>>3687
i'm pretty sure most people that buy drugs for personal use have at least some level of "freindship" with their dealer

 No.3689

>>3688
He's still a massive retard for using drugs.

 No.3690

Using drugs is fashion nowdays, so we can call it a normal behavior.

 No.3692

>>3690
It being popular doesn't make it not-retarded. Holy shit you're actually trying to justify your idiocy with 'but most people do it!'.

You have no self esteem and are just a follower. Your parents must look down on you.

 No.3693

op here
drugs are dumb dont do them maybe pot

 No.3694

>>3690
>nowdays

I agree that many things are changing in the world with computer technology being so widespread but I don't think this is one of them. People have always done drugs as far as I know.

 No.3695

>>3692
I didn't mean that, it's both normal AND retarded.

 No.3698

ran out of meds last night
none til tomorrow
everything feels awful, i just want to die
only productive thing my brain ever does anymore is teach me new ways to kill myself and new reasons why I should.

 No.3707

>>3698
finally have meds again
this is hell
Pretty much spent the past 24 hours thinking about how everyone hates me, nobody puts any effort into trying not to hate me, and many different ways to go about cutting and stabbing myself. I'm currently worried what the next depression hole will be like and will probably throw out my knives soon.

 No.3710

>>3707
Read a book or watch an anime of something. Escapist media exists for a reason.

 No.3711

>>3710
is this how normal people work?

 No.3712

>>3711
Yeah, we can easily pretend that our problems don't exist by immersing our selves in the fiction that we like. Depression can't be the only thing that you feel right? When was the last time you watched an anime? How did you feel the last time that you watched an anime? There's two kinds of people, those who let their emotions control them, and those that control their emotions. Instead of thinking that you're not in the mood to watch something uplifting, watch something uplifting to try to feel better. Also, it has been scientifically proven that smiling regardless of how you feel can trick your brain into being happier. So you can try that too.

 No.3717

File: 1502857378286.png (216.25 KB, 600x338, 3cd8a33a.png)

>it has been scientifically proven that smiling regardless of how you feel can trick your brain into being happier

 No.3718


 No.3719

>>3718
I wasn't discounting the evidence. It just feels incredibly fake to me. Maybe my subconscious simply doesn't want to be happy.

 No.3720

>>3719
>>3718
To be fair, all the thing doesn't hold shit, scientifically speaking. For one, it's all psychologists who suggest this, and the only thing with some validity inside that article is that some real scientist studied brainwaves during experiments to check whether something happened, only to say "botox subjects had much lower activity in the brain circuits involved in emotional processing and responses" (which doesn't mean anything!) and later throws "hurr durr science words" such as the amygdala, hypothal­amus and "parts of the brain stem". In other words, nothing conclusive.

Maybe if they studied people with severe depression and verified whether forced smiling really made them happier or at least less unhappy then I'd start to believe on the idea, but insofar it smells too much like click bait.

 No.3741

update
I tried being with normies but it turns out normies hate me still

 No.3742

>>3741
Could you elaborate? Under what circumstances did you meet these normies? Did you already know these normies previously? What did you do with and say to these normies?

 No.3743

>>3742
I was going to college for no reason and realized I felt no sense of belonging there.

 No.3745

>>3743
That doesn't mean that they, "hate you". Did you actually try to interact with them to see how they would react to it? I'm guessing not. If some normie came onto this board and acted like a normie, they wouldn't be very liked. The same goes for you in a college. All humans like to be around similar people. Don't blame the group of people, just blame people period.

 No.3748

>>3745
It seems once again people prefer to assume the worst with me and not consider how I feel. I try to put myself out there a lot with people but I spent too much time cooking neet spaghetti .

 No.3749

>>3748
>neet spaghetti
What the fuck are you even talking about? Why do you keep giving me generalities? Give me a play by play of exactly how you tried to put yourself out there.

 No.3755

>>3749
What happened didn't even matter I was just blanting out crap because I was in a bad mood so I don't care enough to give exact details about me or the events of my life.
Reflected me feels like I've just been looking for an excuse to stop doing some things my superego tells me to do like going to college or caring about people who can feel offended by my presence in general.
I feel really burnt out on giving people any respect anymore. It's making me feel a bit sociopathic lately. Every interaction I have with anyone feels like I'm manipulating everything because I see way too many details and know how to get the most out of any situation. This is a good thing and a bad thing. I tend to have this problem where I'm just kinda drifting in existence picking up all my sensory data and analyzing the infinitesimal creative fractal growth potential of any energy input I receive. I feel like because I try to consider everything as best as I can I lose my identity as a person and begin to feel like a chat bot with moods.

I guess this leads me into thinking about free will. My sense of identity has been shattered tons of times. Dealt with psychological and emotional abuse. Had ego death a few times. My personality has probably "killed itself" 3 times by now. My overall sense of self has been riddled with duality for the entirety of my life as well, all of this compounded by social isolation and being a shut in.

Luckily I have a job at the moment due to simply being able to respond in a constructive way to anything that happens around me. I met someone who needed someone with tons of skills like me.

I feel weird, I am a shut-in but I know how to take initiative in any situation confidentially, complete any task and respond to any threat. I've controlled many life or death situations in my life so I have become very confident in my abilities. This makes me feel like the only reason I am a shut-in is that I simply don't like people and/or being around people and they don't like being around me.
I feel so fucked up by my life
and mad at the same time because of how people respond to how damaged I am.
like, the last 2 people I had feelings for told me they prefer virgins now, that shit fucks with my head.
Being damaged is a shitty excuse. No one in my life ever just understands how emotions and clinical depression work so every situation I get into gets out of hand and I get worse because I have to deal with ever increasing levels of anxiety.

I smoked a lot of weed and wrote this.

 No.3756

>>3755
Unless you're 25 and up, weed rots your brain. Anyway, you seem to really be going the extra mile to excuse your laziness. Get a fucking hobby or something. How hard is it to go outside and go to college? People are supposed to go college to learn shit, not to stroke their ego. Stop being so needy. Stop craving other people's validation. Nobody is taking a knife and shoving it through your chest and nobody is telling you to kill yourself. Why do hate people so much, huh? People have their own shit to do, so stop acting like they care so much about you because they don't. They don't hate or love you, they just go on with their lives and you should to.

 No.3757

>>3756
That's not nice.

 No.3758

>>3756
I have a job, career, and many hobbies stop being so triggered it is making you assume the worst.

Maybe I believe in creating a world where my default interaction with people isn't being annoyed with some bs and actually enjoy life together.

 No.3759

>>3758
>stop being so triggered
You're the one who wrote three paragraphs about why you hate you're life. My point was that if you actually have things to occupy your time, I don't see why you're so miserable. Hobbies are supposed to make you happy. You're mentality that the rest of the world is wrong and that you need to, "create", a better one is toxic. Maybe you're the problem. If you have a job and all that, why are you talking about not being able to do anything or go to college because of, "ego death", if you have hobbies how could your personality have killed itself three times? Normal people don't say shit like that unless they have a reason to, so excuse me for thinking that you have nothing going on in your life.

 No.3762

>>3759
there is too much to try to explain
point is
I'm unhappy
I have mental illness that makes me feel vastly worse than I should at all times.
The only things that every made me happy are love and friendship

 No.3763

>>3762
to add some actual substance here
People keep acting like I'm doing nothing about my problems
I'm not doing nothing, I'm just not succeeding. So i have to deal with continuous failure and people acting like i'm a lazy piece of shit loser at the same time. My best friend told me they have no respect for me because I'm lazy and blocked all contact with me. Getting told I'm not doing anything about my problems drives me crazy.
I'm miserable at the moment because I turned into a shitty person for a while because of all the shitty thing that happened in my life and now that I have reached a point in my life where I am doing better I am surrounded by people who hate me and I fail to have proper social relations with anyone.
It turns out I was absolutely riddled with self hate, so much so it overtook my personality and sabotaged pretty much every interaction I had with anyone for the past decade.

This is important to me right now because I am learning to let go of my self hate and not judge myself for the way I am.
I'm still lonely though. It's nice to try thinking my hobbies can make me happy but they never really did, it has always been the people I do my hobbies with that made me happy. I feel a lot of duality in this feeling. Either humans feeling sad when lonely is natural or I am so horribly psychologically malformed crybaby who craves attention.

 No.3764

>>3763
another thing I wanted to add is I am kind really pissed off about my social situation at the moment. My friend just died recently because of drugs and In my ex group of friends I was the most anti-drug when it came to certain drugs and the most pro-safety. So here I am nobody wants anything to do with me and than someone I might have been able to help if I was actually around dies.

 No.3765

>>3762
>The only things that every made me happy are love and friendship
That's really pathetic. Maybe you would still have friends if you didn't bitch at them so much. People aren't your emotional tampons. I thought that you had enough good sense to only talk about your, "problems", to people online because real people obviously aren't willing to listen to incessant complaining about something they could do nothing to help with. Did you at least try to see a therapist, or take some meds? Maybe you should be less anti-drug if that's the reason why you're not willing to take medicine. Prescription drugs help a lot of people like you. Also, there's no way that if you had been around your friend wouldn't have died, so stop thinking that. You said so yourself, all your friends cut off contact with you, doesn't that mean that they're not really your friends? Obviously. They don't care about you. Why would you even hang around a bunch of druggies anyway? Those are the worst sort of people and they're obviously not going to be loyal enough to you to listen to you bitch and moan. In your desperation to have some kind of companionship, you settled for the bottom of the barrel. This is what's called toxic extroversion. Even when you did have a friend, you still had, "problems", to complain about, so no, companionship doesn't make you happy. It's just a crutch you use to validate your existence. Exist for you, see a therapist, and grow a backbone. You remind me of my sister, and I fucking hate my sister.

 No.3766

>>3765
That's not nice.

 No.3768

>>3765
you sound like you don't live in a very happy reality.

 No.3769

>>3765
The thing I find the most funny is, I have my own life, and I would be doing the exact same thing regardless of who chooses to be in it, so we people start making arbitrary drama with me it makes me feel like people are sabotaging themselves.

 No.3770

>>3769
so when people*

 No.3772

It occurs to me that just someone witnessing me venting during a depression hole on an imageboard is enough to make someone mad at me and not like me, I wonder how much this has effected the people I know in real life. I've heard a lot of stories where people come back into peoples lives after realizing how much someones mental illness was damaging their lives.
I can trace these depression holes back to gradeschool, had to be physically stopped from killing myself at 15 during one.

 No.3774

>>3769
>spending five minutes to try to give advice to somebody who wont stop bitching
>sabotaging themselves
I'm not significantly emotionally affected by online threads. I'm capable of being emotional about something trivial in the short term, without it affecting my actual life in any way what so ever. That's part of being a well-adjusted human being.

 No.3775

>>3774
You don't care because you don't suffer from major clinical depression. This thread became a science experiment for me to analyze where I'm overthinking things due to depression. I achieved this by posting in this thread when I would suffer from a depressive episode and attempted to analyze the posts I made.

This thread doesn't reflect the person who I am at this moment very well and finding a way to explain that was a bit out of my grasp until now.

This thread is also statistical evidence for reminding me of why I hate talking on the internet for more than one sentence exchanging at a time.

 No.3776

>>3775
A scientific experiment usually has a control. Any who, using people for an experiment unwittingly is a bit unethical, no? You weren't coming into this actually wanting advice, so you basically just wasted a bunch of people's time. Something cannot, "become a scientific experiment". That's what it was the whole time. Maybe you would be less depressed if you stopped insisting on hating people so much? What does that have to do with depression?

 No.3777

>>3776
I posted here sad and than in the very next post I made I made it clear I realized what had happened to me and that I was going to reflect on my behavior. My only regret is not being clear headed on what I was doing until now. If you feel like your volunteered time is wasted it seems like more your issue. I feel like if read properly there is a lot to learn about depression, the human psyche and existence, brought to the front of our minds for discussion.

After thinking things out I don't think people hate me and I don't really hate anyone else. I feel like we are suffering from a cosmic chain of karma where one person is poorly reacting to another person poorly reacting to something else over and over. I seek the truth a lot of the time in order to see things like this.
I don't hate people, I just get overwhelmed a lot. I'm pushing my thoughts in places like this imageboard post in order to uncover the truth about how I really feel and use what I learn from exploring to better myself. A long time ago is that if you don't put any attempt into nurturing your emotions it is going to slowly hurt you as a human being.
Anyway, I have a therapist and they are actively working with me to realize where depression has damaged my thinking patterns and self image. I feel embarrassed to be putting the worst possible version of myself in plain view to be quite frank. If you feel angered as an anonymous blip of energy by this thread I don't know what else to tell you.

 No.3786

>>3777
op here
man i'm a dick
I realize now my spirit has been very hostile to people lately. I just don't know how to work up the courage to turn that part of me off anymore. I'm really afraid of being taken advantage of again.

 No.4021

My mind is back on the subject of depression holes again. It's interesting to witness the effects of my deteriorated mental state when I make an intent of marking my place in the world somewhere such as a messageboard. Where was I at that moment? Why couldn't me in that moment feel the more overall lucid me? What thought mechanisms led me to think this way? Where did I pick these thought mechanisms Up? What do I give to others? That last question is one of the things that bothers me the most about my own depressive episodes. I have an extremely large presence due to the the nature of me being one of intellectual pursuit and awareness. That combined with being someone well studied at expressionism I feel like I can get people to understand the thought mechanisms I am using to think of the things I'm trying to express. Basically I am good at letting people know how I came to my conclusions(although this isn't always true due to the inherent imperfectness of nature, at least that's what I'm going to say for now anyway "don't quote me on anything")

 No.4022

File: 1509745993229.jpg (157.52 KB, 850x612, __karl_marx_real_life_draw….jpg)

>>4021
I've got a question for you. You're one of the hikki-phantoms(that's what i'm gonna call people who only post in the hikki board) so you should be able to answer me. Why don't you guys ever post in any other threads, huh? Where were you on Halloween? Anyway, I feel like you're just drowning in your own pseudo-intellectualism. Instead of trying to change you, just brood and write long, overly verbose sentences to ask meaningless questions.
>It's interesting to witness the effects of my deteriorated mental state when I make an intent of marking my place in the world somewhere such as a messageboard.
Get a real hobby and mark the world with something more meaningful. At least write an actual book.
>Where was I at that moment?
Which moment?
>Why couldn't me in that moment feel the more overall lucid me?
Were you on drugs when you wrote this? Stop doing drugs. Depression does not force you to be a drug addict. It may be hard to quit, but depression or not, you should either at least try or be content with your shitty life and not complain about it, or try to improve.
>What thought mechanisms led me to think this way? Where did I pick these thought mechanisms Up?'
By thought mechanisms do you mean thought patterns, or the biological functions that cause thought? the latter can't be, "picked up", so i'm going to guess that you mean the former.
>What do I give to others? That last question is one of the things that bothers me the most about my own depressive episodes.
Care to elaborate on why this bothers you, or on anything at all in a clear way? You probably give them nothing. It is unbelievably arrogant of you to think that you're giving anybody anything by explaining your, "thought mechanisms", and philosophical ideas. This is especially true because of the surplus of philosophical writings that already exist and are better than anything you or I could come up with.
>I have an extremely large presence due to the the nature of me being one of intellectual pursuit and awareness.
No you don't. you have practically no impact on the world just like almost everybody else.
>That combined with being someone well studied at expressionism I feel like I can get people to understand the thought mechanisms I am using to think of the things I'm trying to express. Basically I am good at letting people know how I came to my conclusions(although this isn't always true due to the inherent imperfectness of nature, at least that's what I'm going to say for now anyway "don't quote me on anything")
You start this, "passage", by sucking your own dick and then quickly doing a 180 so we don't hold you to your own praise. The inherent flaws of nature don't explain or excuse how shitty you are at conveying ideas to others.

 No.4023

>>4022
>I've got a question for you. You're one of the hikki-phantoms(that's what i'm gonna call people who only post in the hikki board) so you should be able to answer me. Why don't you guys ever post in any other threads, huh? Where were you on Halloween? Anyway, I feel like you're just drowning in your own pseudo-intellectualism. Instead of trying to change you, just brood and write long, overly verbose sentences to ask meaningless questions.
I have many other posts on this website then just on /hikki/. I guess I'm just posting because yolo?

>Get a real hobby and mark the world with something more meaningful. At least write an actual book.

I'm a writer, message boards are just one of many portals I can access too improve my skills.

>Which moment?

The moment when I posted on this messaeboard, although I guess I'm also trying to sum up the idea of a vague moment of artistic expression and the idea that we can analyze those moments in the future with new eyes.

>Were you on drugs when you wrote this? Stop doing drugs. Depression does not force you to be a drug addict. It may be hard to quit, but depression or not, you should either at least try or be content with your shitty life and not complain about it, or try to improve.


Yea I was on drugs when i wrote this, I took some stuff to undo the damage to my brain that antidepressents did. A vicious cycle I know but I do not plan on taking any more substances from this point

>By thought mechanisms do you mean thought patterns, or the biological functions that cause thought? the latter can't be, "picked up", so i'm going to guess that you mean the former.


I don't think I'm dealing with ideas that can be scientifically proven in this statement so I don't know, both?
>Care to elaborate on why this bothers you, or on anything at all in a clear way? You probably give them nothing. It is unbelievably arrogant of you to think that you're giving anybody anything by explaining your, "thought mechanisms", and philosophical ideas. This is especially true because of the surplus of philosophical writings that already exist and are better than anything you or I could come up with.

I don't care about trying to teach people things, I'm more worried that my past behavior has infected others in negitive ways unintentionally, as I feel the same has been done to me throughout my life.
>No you don't. you have practically no impact on the world just like almost everybody else.
Yet you respond to me :^)
You start this, "passage", by sucking your own dick and then quickly doing a 180 so we don't hold you to your own praise. The inherent flaws of nature don't explain or excuse how shitty you are at conveying ideas to others.
I don't see how it is my problem that your annoyance with egotistical people impairs your ability to interact with the information I'm trying to discuss. The problem with conveying ideas is that the proper way to do it is contextual to the two or more individuals who are in an information exchange and the platform that is being used to exchange information.



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