i'm looking for some perspective, as i'm not really sure where my life will be going.
i am about to enter for-real neetdom for the first time in my life, but i know my parents will not let that be the case for long. i don't want to get too detailed, mostly because a lot of it isn't relevant, but my relationship with my parents got really fucky when i first hit puberty. i couldn't explain why i was feeling the way i was, so i would lock myself in my room and shut them out. they didn't understand what was happening, some bad stuff happened over time, but after 3 years of constant fighting they gave up on me.
they still don't understand why i am the way i am, which is my fault for never letting them. thanks to something that happened during the years when we were fighting pretty much any sense of trust i had in people in real life was shattered. but i am about to drop out of college, i've never worked before, and i can't drive. they don't understand that i'm not exactly doing the best mentally, they've always thought of me as lazy. because of this they'll want me to get my shit together, but i genuinely don't feel like i can.
i guess my question is whether or not i should show them that i am not well. i don't think a shrink would have anything worthwhile to offer me, but i think going though all the bullshit get better type stuff would be infinitely better than continuing on day to day ready to fucking blow my brains out. i'm not exactly sure how i would muster up the courage/design a situation to show them i am currently not fit to live a "normal" life, and, beyond that, i don't know if they would believe me or care. right before my parents completely gave up on my i told my mom that i wanted to die and that i think seeing someone would be good for me, which was pretty much the only insight i gave her into how i was feeling. she told me to take a shower and "just cheer up."
it's feels like a bit of a miracle that i haven't had a serious break down or anything like that, but i don't think i can keep existing this way.
does your family know how you feel? do they accept it?
I can't really give much exact advice, because health service costs (or lack of) change per country, people's parents are different, etc.
Assuming it's not pointlessly expensive, I'd recommend going to your doctor alone and explaining things to them. In this country, at least, they may be able to refer you to a psychologist/psychiatrist (can be free, at least over here). They may not necessarily be much help, and I'd heavily recommend against starting on any medications unless you cannot even begin to understand and remove what's causing you problems, but doing such and then informing your parents would, in many situations I believe, be enough to make them begin to realize how serious you are about this. From there, you could begin (again, depending on country) to get into a welfare system for the time being.
I was in a pretty similar situation when I dropped out of university. The thing I went there to learn ended up not being something I was really interested in enough to go through several more years of study, tests and a heavily flawed education system. So I just stopped going to classes and wandered around the campus instead, then eventually dropped out. It all went a lot easier than you'd think. From there, if you mend things with family (you don't have to be doing this for them or anything, it's quite fine to see it as for your own peace and comfortable living conditions) and take a break from stressful life, you'll gradually become more open to doing things and may find something you'd be happy to study or do for a job. That is, on the condition that you keep an open mind, and don't develop aversions to those things, which it seems many of the longer-term NEETs tend to. Basically, enjoy the NEETlife, but don't feel anger, resentment or depression for the "outside" world. That was what held me back for the longest. If that sounds or becomes something that's difficult for you to do, meditate every day. I'd be happy to give advice on this, if you'd like. It's easily the single most effective path towards an open mind, willpower, control of your emotions, and the complete destruction of suffering. I learned that a breakdown, if handled well, is a chance to purge what you've learned is harmful for you and completely start over.
Finding a community of online friends can be helpful to some, but finding satisfaction in solitude is also helpful and without the clinging and trust and other emotional risks that come from depending on others.