No.10400
Needed to get all of this off my chest before exploding. While I could talk through this with close friends, I honestly don't want them worrying about my baggage. And I refuse to drag up past bullshit with my mom while her mood hasn't been great lately. So I'm putting it out here instead. Sorry for the long text, but I really got angry remembering everything.
> be me
> late 20s
> separated parents
> "father" left the city when I was 5
> he has never paid child maintenance
> nor has he ever phoned me, visited me or interacted with me in any way
> raised by single mom with zero family support, living with just enough to get by, but always pushing forward
> start primary school
> get bullied from age 5 to 8 (physically and psychologically)
> teachers do nothing
> my mum has had arguments with the parents of my classmates because of this
> now the bullying has spread to my mum as well, at the hands of the other parents
> mom reports this to the education inspectors, zero response
> during that time, mom teaches me how to defend myself, throw punches and low blows
> never used any of it in those 3 years
> they start using my parents' separation as a weapon against us
> mom finally switches me to a different school
> fresh start at the new school, but still same city
> mom and I make a pact
> reveal nothing about the transfer or "father" to any classmate or parent
> apparently everything is going well
> some idiot from another class starts messing with me
> this time i actually fight back
> leave his legs red
> never let anyone bother me without a response for the rest of elementary and high school
> still hold back (except the first few times) to avoid doing too much damage, since i'm usually the biggest guy around
> apparently everything is going well
> back in elementary school i'm known as the super forgetful and chaotic kid
> a year in, people start asking about my "father" and if my parents are SEPARATED (never ask if divorced)
> always deny it
> people keep asking me about it for years
> DENY
> move houses
> say goodbye to the tiny, damp, falling-apart rental home
> new place is rental too, but public housing
> big, way too big for just the two of us, and brand new
> same distance to school
> no need to transfer again
> shortly after moving, see some parent and a classmate of mine walking past the house
> they don't even live nearby
> they stop and stare from the outside
> happens again with someone else
> …
> middle school starts
> for the first time, bring an elementary school classmate over to the house
> walk him back to his place
> he tells me "i thought your parents were separated, but i see they're not"
> wondering how the hell he reached that conclusion
> he never saw him, never saw a picture of him either
> doubt his deductive skills
> realize it's because what he saw inside didn't match his bias about single-parent homes
> laugh with my mother while talking about it
> eventually, they stop asking about my dad
> "probably because the other guy told them" is just too simple
> real reason?
> no need to ask when a parent from the OTHER school went around telling my story to half the town
> fuck that gossip bitch
> first year of middle school
> pass everything with no trouble at all
> well actually
> passing every class with the bare minimum
> well
> turns out I have four subjects to retake in the makeup exams
> two of them just because I forgot to turn in my notebooks
> pass two out of those four and get promoted to 2nd year
> 2nd year
> get diagnosed with ADHD
> major respect to the child psychologist
> took him only 7 years of sessions to figure it out
> teachers give me their full support for the rest of middle school
> completely ignoring my condition
> teachers trying to convince my mom to put me in the curricular diversification program despite me never having failed a grade
> "your son might be smart, but he just can't study"
> "maybe after finishing the curricular diversification program he can become a gardener"
> they fail to convince her
> end up passing every single grade without ever failing once
> mediocre grades…
No.10401
> lose most of my connection with my elementary school "friends" during those years
> we go to the same high school and I hang out with them during recess
> they drink and I don't
> they go out all night until dawn and I don't
> they have whatsapp and I don't
> everything goes right for them
> I forget everything and end up having to retake subjects
> they call each other to celebrate birthdays
> they don't call me anymore
> couldn't give less of a shit
> while they were having the time of their lives smoking their first lawn grass weed joint
> I was having a great time playing video games
> graduated middle school
> mom buys me an xbox 360 for surviving middle school
> spend the entire summer playing skyrim every single day
> make it into high school
> same high school
> same people
> same dynamic
> graduated high school with a stellar 5.1 out of 10
> instead of going to uni, enroll in a higher vocational IT degree
> good times
> still talk and play games with the guys I met in that IT degree
> graduate with a 7.3 out of 10
> 7.3 nothing crazy, but not terrible either
> yet somehow everyone there treated me like some kind of genius
> start a computer science degree at university
> look back at middle school and high school
> get mad as hell thinking about it
> realize it's like starting over with a completely clean record
> no guys from middle school or high school around
> nobody knows who I am
> zero prejudice from the professors
> finish the degree
> top of my class
> finish with 31 out of 35 grades above a 9/10
> score a total of 22 honor distinctions
> seeing this, a professor convinces me to do a master's to eventually join his PhD program
> big plans being drawn up all around me
> turns out the guy has published over 140 scientific papers
> holy shit, peak science man right here
> I actually listen to him
> start the master's degree
> 2-hour commute there, 2-hour commute back, every single day just to attend classes
> master's isn't even specific to computer science
> already knew that. the one that actually mattered was even further away
> "the master's is just a formality for the PhD anyway"
> finish the master's
> scrape by with a 7/10 average or something
> genuinely exhausted
> too exhausted to even care about the actual grade
> 4 hours of bus + 1.5 hours of waiting every day completely wrecked me
> start the PhD
> soon realize there was no big plan for me
> from the start, the grand plan was always for him
> "we're aiming for one scientific paper per month during your PhD" he tells me
> "this guy is high on something" I thought
> start looking closely at his scientific publications
> the first author on a paper is usually the one who did all the actual work
> in my department, it usually means you did literally everything
> co-authors are added purely for politics, decided strictly by the advisor
> out of his 140+ papers, he's the first author on barely 1% of them
> to be generous, he's the first author on maybe 2 papers out of his entire publication history
> absolute fucking joke
> the entire time during my PhD, he kept pressuring me to pump out paper after paper, quality didn't mean shit to him
> "whatever, some journal will publish it anyway"
> considering we pay journals thousands of euros in grant money just to accept articles, yeah, of course someone will publish it
> no matter the situation, he called every 4 days like clockwork to pressure me
> mom breaks her bones and ends up in the hospital?
> advisor gives you a solid two-day grace period before calling about papers
> your mom ends up in the ICU almost dying, followed by a whole month in the hospital?
> "the ICU must have visiting hours, right? you can use the rest of the time to work on the paper"
> even though his constant pressure ticked me off, gave zero fucks and ignored him
> only wrote honest, ethical papers that actually mattered
> or at least tried to
> so the big plan got altered
> now he wants me to write the entire PhD thesis in 8 days
> all so he could claim he "supervised" a thesis this year for his own career goals
> and ship me off to a research institute 1.5 hours away—each way—just so he could check the "knowledge transfer" box on his grant metrics
> zero response to his calls for 7 months straight, best executive decision of my entire PhD
> written communication only
> bro is crashing out because he can't control me anymore, absolute cinema
> working on a PhD for a full year without even getting paid
> saved up EVERY SINGLE CENT from the previous two years anyway
> rule #1 of manipulation: know your target
> bro forgot to check who he was trying to play
