No.10397
Hey there, friends. Who knew that deciding to play Yume Nikki and then casually stumbling upon this website would have led me to this thread. I must say, I feel a lot of genuine sympathy for your guys, because, though everybody's experience is unique, I know how it feels to be in your situation; I have been there myself, I still am to an extent, but I slowly but surely getting out of it, little by little.
In my case, the reason was a lost adolescence. After a bout of severe bullying in middle school, I found refuge on the Internet and never looked back. What resulted was a feeling of complete alienation from the real world surrounding me, outright crippling social anxiety (I couldn't even say hi!), and inability to interact with anyone. When I started to long for friendship, I realized an invisible, insurmountable barrier had developed between me and all my peers; I desperately wanted friendship, but I could never connect with anyone, even with those who tried to reach out.
I remember my late teens as a period of isolation, intense disappointment, lingering regret, and some moments that will never vanish from my head. Even writing about this now triggers a sense of loss and sadness; a youth I wanted so much to have and never could get. This kind of social and emotional pain during one's formative years is not something that can ever be truly forgotten.
Unsurprisingly, my young adulthood was one of complete loss of direction, prolonged loneliness (I had no friends, not even online), dropping out of my studies, and just living from moment to moment. Videogames, anorexia, coffee. I was thoroughly dulled at life and had no ambition.
Yet, things do change. In my mid-teens, I decided to return to college; slowly but surely, I realized I really liked studying. I started feeling a genuine sense of gravity and meaning from the subjects I studied; I feel like I can still dream about getting somewhere in life, and not ending up like a failure, stuck forever in a provincial rut, consumed by my loneliness.
I am not saying I have already gotten over my past self, but I am trying.
To all of you: I can assure you you're not a bad person. I would like to be your friend if I could, and I would like you to be mine. We owe nothing to the world, the world nothing to us; what we are is entirely the story we write for ourselves. I know it's easier said than done, and that a sensation of pointless, lack of direction, anxiety, a sensation of being unloved and unlovable, is often more powerful than whatever rationalization to the contrary we may attempt. But, trust me: you can get out of this, and it all starts with realizing you are a good person. Yes, you really are. My advice is to, perhaps, start gently by experiencing beautiful things in your solitude: learn more about humanity through great music (maybe some Bob Dylan?), great movies (Ingmar Bergman, Akira Kurosawa, Woody Allen), great games (Celeste, Life is Strange). The point of life are human beings; us and others, and art is one of the best ways to explore humanity. At some point, perhaps try something creative; I discovered I found it quite pleasant to write, for instance. Just write.
I'll give you a good idea to begin with; watch Ikiru tonight. It's an intensely beautiful, lyrical movie. It's sad, but it's also so happy. I know it impacted me, I know it can impact you.
Trust me, you can get out of this. Just be gentle with yourself, a little less hard, and you can make your life yours again.
