No.10274
I feel like I can't leave home by myself. I would not assume that I am a hikikomori neither any type of neet, since I went outside mostly 2-3 times a month. I feel embarassed and damned myself so many times. I feel like I want, but also can't. When I notice I've woke up at a rainy day, I would feel glad because I'm allowed to skip going outside, and that the world itself seems to have compassion with me, as if the only mutual feeling I can have with everyone else is sadness, laments etc etc.
I realized my postponer nature keeps my tracks off.
It looks like they eventually will discover something darker, yet darker, about me that even I don't know what is that could even repel an loved one from me. I struggle with this kind of problems every since now and then, I guess 4 years.
I also have a pretty strange relationship with my parents, and even at most conversations with my friends. I feel like none of them true knows me, as according to myself, I tend to cover myself from everything because I will lost my high ground of being a true neutral person. I wonder how would come of they seeing me as someone academically or professionaly.
Thanks for reading. I guess my truly wish is to be alone. My real wish is to explore an new world and new people without anyone who ever met me before. But I know this is dangerous, and I will only apply it on my works, if it does even helps at all. I fear what will become of me, so I must finish the things that'll put my true self sign to the world. As my physical self, let's see how things will follow. Should I care less about the others? How should I behave in front of strangers? Who am I? Don't know if anyone has these answers. Actually I won't ever feel satiated with any words, but advices and opinions, or any good comments are always welcome.
I want to go out alone. I want to treat my dog, people and things better, and I want, become a wonderful person, as the world is full of them. You should also. Do something. Let's all appreciate other's efforts to exist.
