>>15098I'm sorry to hear about your childhood. I had similar experiences myself and while I've come a long, long way and put most of it behind me they still affect me to this day.
>eventually after it was too late I had come to realize that I'd developed major trust issuesIt's never too late. It's only over when you give in and you don't sound like you've given in to me.
Trust issues can be a real problem and in many ways they're your only problem. You cannot trust anyone else because you do not trust yourself.
>Sometimes I think I am just being overly harsh, but I think maybe I'm just in denial.I'd bet good money you're being overly harsh. You obviously aren't feeling too great about yourself and that tends to make people too harsh regardless of how things really are. You may not look as good as you once did, but the gap is probably far less than you think it is.
I could harp on about how judging yourself by your appearance isn't wise but as much as I don't think it's a good idea, it's not my place to tell you how to evaluate your life.
>I have no passions, I envy those who do.Passion is a fire and envy does not burn well. It's not something you can force, don't make the mistake of assuming that the people you see are happy because they were passionate, they're passionate because they were happy. Focus on the rest of your life. Learn to trust yourself and be happy and passion will follow.
>Looking back I don't think I have ever been passionate about a single thing, besides video games/anime/looking good.Games/anime/looking good are perfectly good passions and 3 isn't a bad number.
In many ways this is a telling sentence. I'm going to go out on an extended limb here and try and guess what you were thinking, my apologies in advance. Like all guessing what an individual is thinking, there's a very good chance that I'm very wrong, but this is more meant as a portrait of your average depressed person.
When depressed you think to yourself "looking back I can't see any <insert good stuff here>" even when the good stuff is there. Most of the time it ends here, and you feel bad about your life despite the actual evidence saying something total different. Depression feeds you lies about how bad things are and then makes it easy to believe them without really checking. Sometimes it has a tough job of it, and you happen to type it out for an imageboard and look a bit closer at the reality of it, but depression just keeps doing its thing and the reality is downplayed to a simple "besides <insert genuine good stuff here>" as if somehow the original point still stood in light of this.
Again, sorry, I really don't like trying to pull apart peoples motivations like that.
>I want to erase myself and start fresh but I know that's not possible.You know very, very wrong but, while it may be possible, I'm not sure it's the right course for you. From what little I've read, what you have can still be saved.
>>15103>I think the important thing is that you want help. Help will come as long as you want it.I agree, that's why I think what he already has can be saved.
>Like a few others here, i've reached a point of self destruction and don't want any help.Now, this is an interesting situation. Depression is a whirlpool. Almost everyone feels the pull at one point or another but for most it just alters their course a little and they easily correct it. Some get pulled in, become "depressed" and usually manage to pull themselves out. Some, however, don't manage it. While they're not exactly easy people to reach, it is always possible. Now, this isn't some "you too can escape the whirlpool please just take my hand", you told me you don't want that and I can respect that. I'm just talking reality, no matter who you are it is possible to pull you out. For some, however, it is very, very difficult. They're beyond the reach of medication, professionals and everything else short of a miracle.
At this point there are three outcomes. Some pull back against the current softly. They spin and spin and never go anywhere and just kinda feel miserable for the rest of their lives. Some take their own lives those poor lost souls. Others get pulled into the centre. If you want to spin I can only beg you keep moving. If you want to take you own life I can only beg you please don't. If you're headed for the centre there is nothing that I can say to change that and why ever would I want to? Good travels friend.
