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Captchas didn't work. Sticking to janitors while we try to think of something else.

File: 1441014924522.jpg (103.45 KB, 667x518, 1383986029971.jpg)

 No.15098

I grew up the happiest child, I was always smiling and I loved life. Throughout my early school life I was always popular. I was funny: people would gather around me and I was friends with every single person I came across. I always knew that my parent's relationship was not the best, but at some point in time they just finally couldn't tolerate each other anymore, and I sat there for hours in our small 2 bed room apartment with nowhere to hide, listening to them yell at each-other at max volume for hours at a time. This was every single day; they would not give me a reason when I asked why they would not get a divorce. A lot of the yelling and abuse spilled over and my mother would take her frustration/rage out on me.

Even throughout this I thought that I was alright; "I am still good looking and have a charming personality". This was the one thing that kept me going, but eventually after it was too late I had come to realize that I'd developed major trust issues. I withdrew from all of my relationships and I am scared to develop new ones. On-top of this I got major acne problems and lost all of my self-confidence. I started to look at myself differently, I thought that I was a pretty boy but now I just seem ugly. I am so disgusted by who I am now, and what I look like. When I look at my face I see all these flaws that I have never seen before. Sometimes I think I am just being overly harsh, but I think maybe I'm just in denial. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I have no passions, I envy those who do. Looking back I don't think I have ever been passionate about a single thing, besides video games/anime/looking good. When I look at myself I want to get plastic surgery or something, but I have no money and no job. I want to erase myself and start fresh but I know that's not possible. I just want to be happy again.

Sorry for the wall of text. I feel like garbage and just wanted to tell my story. Thanks for your time.

 No.15099

File: 1441059807421.jpg (57.87 KB, 1000x667, 1317437183486.jpg)

*sigh* It's hard to read something like this and have this uneasy sense of helplessness. I'm pretty much the same as you - my lifes' story is really similar; but I think it's better now for me - so if you want, we could talk about it by mail or YIM - as you want. You will always have ppl by your side. Don't get consumed by life. Hug for you.

 No.15103

I think the important thing is that you want help. Help will come as long as you want it.
Like a few others here, i've reached a point of self destruction and don't want any help.

 No.15104

>>15099
>>15103
Sometimes I feel like everything is getting better, but then again those seem to be bouts of mania as my mood will quickly drop again. I am looking into nootropics so hopefully I find a stack that will help.

Thanks for reaching out/back.

 No.15105

>>15098
I'm sorry to hear about your childhood. I had similar experiences myself and while I've come a long, long way and put most of it behind me they still affect me to this day.

>eventually after it was too late I had come to realize that I'd developed major trust issues

It's never too late. It's only over when you give in and you don't sound like you've given in to me.

Trust issues can be a real problem and in many ways they're your only problem. You cannot trust anyone else because you do not trust yourself.

>Sometimes I think I am just being overly harsh, but I think maybe I'm just in denial.

I'd bet good money you're being overly harsh. You obviously aren't feeling too great about yourself and that tends to make people too harsh regardless of how things really are. You may not look as good as you once did, but the gap is probably far less than you think it is.

I could harp on about how judging yourself by your appearance isn't wise but as much as I don't think it's a good idea, it's not my place to tell you how to evaluate your life.

>I have no passions, I envy those who do.

Passion is a fire and envy does not burn well. It's not something you can force, don't make the mistake of assuming that the people you see are happy because they were passionate, they're passionate because they were happy. Focus on the rest of your life. Learn to trust yourself and be happy and passion will follow.

>Looking back I don't think I have ever been passionate about a single thing, besides video games/anime/looking good.

Games/anime/looking good are perfectly good passions and 3 isn't a bad number.

In many ways this is a telling sentence. I'm going to go out on an extended limb here and try and guess what you were thinking, my apologies in advance. Like all guessing what an individual is thinking, there's a very good chance that I'm very wrong, but this is more meant as a portrait of your average depressed person.

When depressed you think to yourself "looking back I can't see any <insert good stuff here>" even when the good stuff is there. Most of the time it ends here, and you feel bad about your life despite the actual evidence saying something total different. Depression feeds you lies about how bad things are and then makes it easy to believe them without really checking. Sometimes it has a tough job of it, and you happen to type it out for an imageboard and look a bit closer at the reality of it, but depression just keeps doing its thing and the reality is downplayed to a simple "besides <insert genuine good stuff here>" as if somehow the original point still stood in light of this.

Again, sorry, I really don't like trying to pull apart peoples motivations like that.

>I want to erase myself and start fresh but I know that's not possible.

You know very, very wrong but, while it may be possible, I'm not sure it's the right course for you. From what little I've read, what you have can still be saved.

>>15103
>I think the important thing is that you want help. Help will come as long as you want it.
I agree, that's why I think what he already has can be saved.

>Like a few others here, i've reached a point of self destruction and don't want any help.

Now, this is an interesting situation. Depression is a whirlpool. Almost everyone feels the pull at one point or another but for most it just alters their course a little and they easily correct it. Some get pulled in, become "depressed" and usually manage to pull themselves out. Some, however, don't manage it. While they're not exactly easy people to reach, it is always possible. Now, this isn't some "you too can escape the whirlpool please just take my hand", you told me you don't want that and I can respect that. I'm just talking reality, no matter who you are it is possible to pull you out. For some, however, it is very, very difficult. They're beyond the reach of medication, professionals and everything else short of a miracle.

At this point there are three outcomes. Some pull back against the current softly. They spin and spin and never go anywhere and just kinda feel miserable for the rest of their lives. Some take their own lives those poor lost souls. Others get pulled into the centre. If you want to spin I can only beg you keep moving. If you want to take you own life I can only beg you please don't. If you're headed for the centre there is nothing that I can say to change that and why ever would I want to? Good travels friend.

 No.15126

File: 1441221173434.jpg (132.89 KB, 589x607, 2037413.jpg)

>>15105
What a strange person. Here, Mai wants you to have this for your troubles.
We hope you like it.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/1vhvb9jnth0l8fl/Angel%20Note%200-10.rar?dl=0

 No.15128

>>15105
>Passion is a fire and envy does not burn well. It's not something you can force, don't make the mistake of assuming that the people you see are happy because they were passionate, they're passionate because they were happy.
I just happened to be passing by the thread when you posted, and I wanted to say, thank you for this thought! It's inspiring. The rest of your post was a nice read as well, but that piece of guidance in particular stood out to me as something I really needed in life.

 No.15141

>>15126
Thank you.

I may be strange, but I am also a stranger here and to internet culture in general. As such, if there's any subtext here it's lost on me (Who's Mai? The girl in the picture? I haven't seen much anime sadly). Regardless, thank you for your kindness.

Still, I'm nobody special, just another anon.

>>15128
Remember how you felt the moment you read it. That moment and that feeling is yours to take with you wherever you go. I like to use short phrases (e.g. here "passion is a fire" might be appropriate, whatever spoke to you), but that's just something to aid my memory.

 No.15142

File: 1441334643527.jpg (63.35 KB, 450x550, mai01.jpg)

>>15141
Yes, she's Mai from Kanon. It's a long, long story that started more than 10 years ago. She could be considered my waifu by i prefer to address her as a very close friend, that's for more accurate.

Don't worry, this world needs more strange people, it's far saturated with "normal" and "perfect" people.
You're the kind of people the future desperately needs.
You're just one in more than 7 billion.
That's a lot to me.

I've uploaded some hard to come by music to >>>/media/ if you like japanese/otaku music.

 No.15228

>>15105
>Trust issues can be a real problem and in many ways they're your only problem. You cannot trust anyone else because you do not trust yourself.



How can I come to trust myself? What is it like? Trusting the decisions that I make?

I feel like I trust myself in that I trust that I do not need others to make me happy, and through experience I have come to find that others seem to just make me un-happy if anything.

I appreciate your response, I find it to be pretty accurate

 No.15229

>>15105
>Trust issues can be a real problem and in many ways they're your only problem. You cannot trust anyone else because you do not trust yourself.



How can I come to trust myself? What is it like? Trusting the decisions that I make?

I feel like I trust myself in that I trust that I do not need others to make me happy, and through experience I have come to find that others seem to just make me un-happy if anything.

I appreciate your response, I find it to be pretty accurate

 No.15269

>>15228
>Trusting the decisions that I make?
Yes and more besides. I trust that your looks and personality are enough that you can have friends and relationships. I trust that your wisdom is enough to know what you what and that your strength is enough to get it.

Do you?



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