No.12572
It's weird. By all accounts my life is finally in an upswing. I'm on course to finish my associate's degree next may, and to return to the university I dropped out to finish a bachelor's by 2016.
I also escaped from a nightmarish overnight schedule stocking shelves - by, strangely enough, making enough monthly writing fetish fiction. Still - a more fulfilling job than stocking shelves.
I've even battled my social anxiety (that caused me to initially drop out in the first place) to the point where I can actually bring myself to somewhat social events without needing a friend for comfort. I guess that's the best thing I can thank wal mart for.
Anyway… despite all this, I feel more disconnected than ever before.
I never really noticed before, but now that I'm 23, I realize that… well, nobody actually cares. Everyone is so wrapped up in their own existences that I'm not even a blip on their personal radars unless I force myself into their lives - and that's the thing, I don't want to.
My best friend and I had a falling out early this year, and despite some efforts on my part, he didn't want to take any time at all to repair what we had. After enough time apart, I realized I didn't even truly know him. He never opened up.
Another friend and I started hanging out all the time. She would even go so far as to get out of work early just to grab coffee with me. Then suddenly, as soon as she got a somewhat higher tier job (teacher) she can't find the time of day to hang out more than twice over the span of literal 7 months - despite constantly filling her schedule with other activities with other people.
She claims it isn't me. I'm not sure if she's a liar, or somehow deluded herself in bout of cognitive dissonance to retain her self righteousness.
And then it hit me. I simultaneously know everything and nothing about everyone around me.
I don't know when it happened, or how, but I can almost immediately discern an entire person's emotional profile with just a few cues.
Then I realized the sheer disparity of disconnect. Everything started to click. The dualities and hypocrisies of the human condition. How we're so insignificant, yet simultaneously infinitely important in the vast unfathomably large existence we are apart of.
And goddamn. I'm so lonely. It's been literal years since I've been with a woman. A little under 4 to be precise. November of 2010 was when my second (and last) relationship ended.
I guess I'm not a kissless virgin, but, fuck, I may as well be at this point since it's been so long.
I'm not even sure if I'm attractive. Been told by fair number of girls I am. Been told by guys I'm ugly. Can't even judge myself. Sometimes I look great in mirror, and can't believe I'm not a model. Sometimes I'm so ugly I literally can't bare to look at myself.
So cold. I keep telling myself I'm going to get /fit/ and get /fa/ but goddammit I know that's not going to happen. Still too socially anxious to go to a gym.
Even so, don't know how I could realistically date someone while living at home. don't know how i can date someone without being too clingy.
I have such beautiful hair. When it's all washed and brushed, could be a dark-haired young reinhard. But even that is receding it seems.
Everything grows and decays. Spirals.
And goddamn nobody is going to read this or care - yet I so desperately want you to. Anyone. I need attention. An insecure attention whore i am.
Please, anyone, I don't think I can save myself. I'm drowning here.
No.12574
Im know how you must feel right about now.
I dont know how you could be helped tough, i guess you will have to hang in there and try to maintain your balance and hope that things will regulate themselfs somehow.
Good luck.
No.12575
…You're just now realizing all this at 23? You're a little late to the party.
Also
>I don't know when it happened, or how, but I can almost immediately discern an entire person's emotional profile with just a few cues.
This is a bit delusional. You figured out how to read simple people, like most humans who are socially aware can; you did not figure out how to lay a person's psyche completely bare before your eyes based on a few clues that hint at the subtexts of their actions - clues which they may in fact be trying to get you to pick up on anyway.
No.12576
>Still too socially anxious to go to a gym.
If you are too anxious to go to the gymn, do what I did (actually because of lazyness) and buy a set of dumbells, and get some kind of routine from /fit/ or a book or something.
It will be enough to start and you will feel better about yourself. Later you can buy a longer iron bar and put all the weights from the dumbell set on it, so you can do even more things. Also you can do body weight exercises such as crunches with no equipment.
You gotta start with something bro
No.12577
Save yourself from what? Boredom? What is it that you require? I'm pretty bereft of attention myself.
Alright, so I guess you wish to connect with us over your problems. You really didn't give us much to work with. Most people would rather talk about something else, but I guess we all need to vent once in a while, don't you agree?
Unfortunately, I find that there is no meaningful attention without connection. So both sides need to open up a little.
I'm also really lonely sometimes. Such is the fate of an introvert who chooses to spend most of the time in their room, I suppose.
It's good that you're trying to get fit and fashionable, the world needs more good-looking men. But do you do something interesting in your free time? Exercise sounds like boring, hard work to me. Rewarding one, to be sure, but boring nonetheless. Don't you have something in common with us losers? Any animu or vidya? Or something productive you find fun?
Or do you want to wax philosophical and speak in metaphors…
In which case: do you feel the need to ponder your place in this world? Have you found a good reason to live yet? And do you not agree that man's search for meaning is absurd, as there seems to be no inherent meaning, yet we always keep searching?
There is something ridiculous about people who get really engaged discussing such general ideas. They inevitably sound silly and a little mad. Life is complicated, and trying to make sense of it is rarely within our sphere.
Please, tell me this, Anon… where do you think I could find some friends? I need them like a fish needs water.
No.12580
>>12572I can relate to one thing op.
My whole situation got a lot better lately …yet I feel worse than before.
All that praise and those fucking expectations.
Having top scores in tests is suffering.
I just want to go back and watch animu and play vidya.
No.12582
I wonder OP, what is it exactly that you desire out of life?
>>12579A raging narcissist does not feel guilt over speaking their mind and hoping someone pays enough attention to it to speak with them it.
No.12584
first off, I'd like to apologize. It was 5 AM when I made this and I was feeling particularly strange and in a poor frame of mine.
>>12574Yeah, pretty much. Thanks, and good luck to you too.
>>12575Sorry. Not as edgy nor as intelligent as you are I suppose.
>>12576Yeah, that's a good idea. I'm not fat or anything, but it would be nice to have a body that would be more deisreable to most females.
>>12579There seem to be a lot of non-neets here. Not looking to feel better /than/ anyone. Just got lonely. When I get lonely I lurk Uboachan because YN invokes a myriad of feels that are unique to it. Finally posted something.
I might be narcissistic, yes. and I was probably raging a bit there.
>>12580Yeah, I know that feeling. I was a full-blown legit NEET for like 1.5 years. I remember those days and there's a simplicity to them I do miss. It's unfortunate we can't have a UBI or something in this country and we're obsessed with the cult of work.
>>12582That… is something I wish I could answer. I guess I just want to find someone who truly loves me. In a perfect world she'd be a somewhat muscular girl with the same nerdy interests as mine, though that sounds like an immense unicorn. would definitely settle for someone much different - as long as they actually truly liked me.
>>12577I will respond to this in depth in a bit
No.12585
>>12577You are correct, my post was poor form. I had been awake for a very long time and was in a particularly low emotional state, and kind of just vomited everywhere. Sorry for that.
I'm pretty obsessed with vidya. I view it as the next important artform, so I'm constantly trying to play the best experiences like a bizarre scholarly pursuit.
I do enjoy anime, though I have a hard time simply sitting down and watching something. Read some manga (as indicated by my choice of picture for the post)
I do really love pretentious shitty metaphors, a big pleasure of mine.
>do you feel the need to ponder your place in this world? Yes
>Have you found a good reason to live yet? I tell myself I would like to make a difference, but I know that's just self righteousness
>And do you not agree that man's search for meaning is absurd, as there seems to be no inherent meaning, yet we always keep searching?Yes
>Please, tell me this, Anon… where do you think I could find some friends? I need them like a fish needs water. What are your interests? There are some easy to enter social circles, like Magic the Gathering or similar hobbies (though that does have a financial barrier)
I do warn you that once you find friends, you may end up more disappointed than you are now.
No.12587
>>12584I don't really feel like I'm in a position to offer advice because I'm a NEET, but I'd like to add two things: one, I empathize with you, at least to the limited extent I can empathize with an anonymous person I don't really know but is in a shitty situation that's somewhat relatable, so you were wrong when you said nobody would or would even read any of that. Even the anon that thinks you're a raging narcissist who deserves to drown for posting here about your problems despite not being a NEET or kissless virgin appears to care, since he seems to have gotten pretty mad.
Two, people do tend to not really open up ever and you can have a "friendship" with them without knowing them at all, but it doesn't have to be like that, and it's possible to have caring friendships. It isn't easy or likely to find and people do seem really selfish on an intrinsic level, but it's possible to find people you can actually relate to and bring yourself to really care about, and since others are looking for the same thing it certainly must be at least somewhat possible that one would run into someone who might actually care about them.
.. Eh, that might just be me hoping that myself.
Anyway, I assume it doesn't matter to you and now I'm curious so what kind of fetish fiction have you written?
No.12588
>>12586
On the first point - thanks. You do raise a very valid point. A big part of why I had a mini meltdown there was because I realized that I have to go far out of my way to get people to do things with me. Like - I have to organize everything myself, or else nothing will ever happen. I'm not sure if it's because I'm shitty company, or if that's just how it is in general unless you're a hot grill.
On the second point - The thing is I did open up to him. I would tell him everything that was going on. All of my doubts, fears, etc. I guess I selfishly used him as an emotional sounding board, but he seemed to enjoy it. Then one day, when we fancied the same girl and he told her a lot of shit about me. After that everything kind of fell apart, heh.
It's obviously possible to find people who do actually care, but goddamn, I have to yet encounter that.
As for what I write, well, it does matter, but what the fuck I'll reveal all. I write about women becoming more powerful - whether that's more muscular, intelligent, taller, hotter, etc. Sometimes dips into super powers. Something about a female becoming more is just… ridiculously exciting to me. don't know why really.
I don't consider myself a good writer btw, but enough do that I can make a humble living from it.
No.12589
berserk desu
No.13404
>>12589Berserker desu indeed
No.13413
>nobody actually cares. Everyone is so wrapped up in their own existences that I'm not even a blip on their personal radars unless I force myself into their lives - and that's the thing, I don't want to.
This is a realization I've come to recently, and it's put me in a strikingly similar state to the one you describe yourself to be in.
Just thought I'd let you know.
No.13416
>I also escaped from a nightmarish overnight schedule stocking shelves - by, strangely enough, making enough monthly writing fetish fiction.
How and where did you pulled this off? I hate mycurrent job and I wouldn't mind to make money writing kinky stuff.
No.13421
>>12584I don't think you're a narcissist OP, at least from what you posted I don't get that vibe. You seem alright, a little cynical and paranoid but HAHAHAAHA aren't we all? No need to apologize, a lot of people come on here to emotionally vomit there problems all over the place. We only get to read a small portion of each others' lives so I don't think what you post really reflects poorly on you or anything.
No.13483
Hi those of you in this thread. Sorry for not returning sooner, I honestly thought this little pity party of mine died.
It's kind of embarrassing to read in hindsight (3 months later and all that).
>>13413Yeah, it's a really strange realization. Other people here are saying it's super obvious, but it wasn't for me. It's also possible it hasn't fully sunk it for them.
It's kind of painful to look at people you presumed cared about you, and to realize you only matter when you force yourself onto their radars.
>>13416I've been reading stories in this niche ever since I was 14 I believe.
A couple years ago I ran out of material to read and was left somewhat dissatisfied. I decided to create something for myself and shared it. From there, I offered cheap commissions and people quickly started queuing up. After that, I started charging more per commission, and my fame slowly grew. Eventually Patreon came out and after joining up on there, it was fairly easy (with the fanbase I developed) to earn enough to earn more than I would be stocking shelves.
>>13421Thanks anon. I'm kind of embarrassed about what I wrote (some of it is very pretentious/stupid) but it was like 5AM or something and I was in a very rough place emotionally.
